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Today started out okay, but then I logged on to the journal system, went to the home page, and checked to see if any birthdays were rolling around...
And HIS name was at the bottom. As if I needed any more reminders. Seeing the 24th still marked on the calendar for the one year anniversary of our engagement is bad enough. If Larxene hadn't ( Read more... )
And HIS name was at the bottom. As if I needed any more reminders. Seeing the 24th still marked on the calendar for the one year anniversary of our engagement is bad enough. If Larxene hadn't ( Read more... )
You know what? Fuck it. Fuck it all. You need some perspective, man, and you won't find it at the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels. You're just being a moron now. Alcohol doesn't solve your problems. You can numb your brain with liquor all you want, it won't make it go away. You're going to have to face it sooner or later and the longer you leave it, the worse it's going to be. There are elements of this that you have to confront yourself, and elements that you'll need help with, but if you try any of that pathetic little "oh, I don't want to bother Riku with my problems" shit, I'll have you shot.
Think about it this way: is everything you've gained worth more or less than everything you've lost?
And Demyx, I know you're reading this, so if you give him beer and painkillers, I'll shut you outside in the snow for Christmas. Yeah. You know I'm not joking.
You know where I am. Don't shut me out, okay? You pried my shit out of me with a fork, I'm going to afford you the same. You're still one of my best friends and you always will be. You can get a better shrink than Jack Daniels.
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What the hell are people supposed to help me with?! I'm missing someone, bro, that's not something you can get assistance with. Otherwise, there'd be break up consultants and they'd be the richest fucks in the world. Like you said, this is something I have to do... but it DOES have to be on my own, because no one can help with a broken heart.
To answer your question: I don't know. It's not like I can put a value on either one of them. I love them both. I mean, I can look over at her right now, her and Dilan teaching Hunter how to change a diaper... I can look at them and think, "This is the best life in the history of ever..." but then, if the roles were reversed- if she were the one that I'd been with since high school, if she were the one that died and Xaldin was the one my heart threw itself at... would I think the same? I can't make a choice between one or the other.
Pfft. No shrink around here has the guts for me, and I haven't heard from Kyrstin since August. I'm too old for them, anyway.
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It breaks me to see you like this, but I can't sit around and watch someone I care about destroy himself. Call me when Xigbar re-inhabits your body, okay? Tell him I miss him. A lot.
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And I guess there's no way of making you reconsider. Please stay. I don't know what to do, Riku. I don't know where to turn with this, and it's destroying the ones I love the most.
I'm tired of it.
What do I do?
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I can't fight you anymore. You don't want me to try and help you; you won't listen to me, you don't care about anyone but yourself and your own sadness and you have no idea how to cope but won't let anyone help you get through this!
You're not the first person to have loved and lost, and you won't be the last. Stop acting like you're the only person to ever have your heart ripped out, torn to pieces and buried at the bottom of the ocean.
Tip #1: Stop being an asshole
Tip #2: To do tip #1, try to accept that you can't do this alone (that much is freaking obvious) and you need support. Everyone needs it. Won't make you any less of a person to admit that and accept it.
Tip #3: Start accepting that, no matter how much you cry and weigh up shit, it's not going to change anything. You can play "What If..." all you want, it won't change the fact that he's dead. Oh yeah. Fucking dead. As the dodo. And because you can't accept that, you're missing out on something just as good: a young family all your own.
Here, I'll play too: My mother is dead. It took me three years (and then some) to be able to admit that to myself. She's dead. And so is my dad. Both dead. I can tell myself "oh, if I'd only done this, maybe they'd be alive", but it won't change the fact that they're gone and I'm never going to be with them again. It hurts, but what have I got now? I have a man in my life I adore with every piece of my heart, I have friends whom I consider family... and then there's you. Who's just cool enough to get his own spot.
Get how to do it? You're starting to turn out just how I did when I was seventeen, so I guess I just feel compelled to stop you...
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God, Larxene... Can you do me a favor, Riku? Call her and tell her to come take this stuff from me? She's not answering when I call, and if I stand up, it's likely I'm gonna fall over.
... I fucking hate me.
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What, like you think she'll do it? Bitch is steamed. You should know how she gets when she goes off on one...
Don't worry, I fucking hate you too. And I'm pretty sure other people fucking hate you, as well. You're currently disliked, but you're around same-minded folk. It's all good company.
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Well, goddamn, I hope she does SOMETHING. She's always bitching about how she wants me to let her help, well here's her fucking chance.
Fuck, I'm getting pissed at the wrong people. It's not her fault. Not her fault at all.
Nope, can't stand. Fuck.
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