(no subject)
I know that what I'm doing now is just a means to an end... but I'm feeling really, truly inadequate for the first time in my life. I'm having the hardest time feeling "okay" with the fact that I'm JUST applying to grad school right now....that I'm nannying 40 hours a week and only applying to grad school. Like I said, I know it's a means to an end but I feel so blah about it. I don't have stories to tell when I get together with friends and I'm beginning to think that for the first time in my life I truly have nothing....I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a best friend that is closer than 30 min away, I'm not in school, I'm not in shape and I spend most of my day babysitting, watching TV, reading or sleeping. I mean......can we talk about how totally BLAH that is. The weird thing is... I'm not totally unhappy--granted I could be happier, I'm sure, but I'm not totally miserable either. Anyway, I think that during this transition period I need to just set some goals so that when I achieve them, I'll feel less like a loser. I CHOSE this path that I'm on so I might as well make the most of it. I chose not to go to law school which is why I'm so behind on applying for regular ol' grad school... it's not like I was lazy and didn't do my applications or something. I don't know. I guess APPLYING to grad school in the first place is something to be proud of and I need to really just see this whole nanny gig and just the MEANS. Truly accept that. Make goals. Move on. I think I'm going to spend the next couple days thinking about what goals I should achieve while I'm not in school. Of course there are the basic and rather boring ones (read at least two books a month, get into shape while I'm still young, focus on friends and family, stay organized..etc etc) but I'm thinking I should think bigger and better. Anyway, just had to air that.
In other news... I went to Chicago on Friday night to hang out with Alix and a bunch of her friends but it was kind of an awkward night b/c Alix had some dude in front out of town and a bunch of friends who all knew eachother so I was kinda just hanging out...so I got bored around midnight (and I could tell the girls were getting lame and would peace out soon) so I texted Matt and told he and Brandon (we had talked about it earlier) to come out to Wrigleyville and hang out for a bit. It took them over an hour to get there b/c they took the train and by then the girls had all left and it was just me, Sarah, Alix and here dude. They all left eventually and it was just me, Matt and Brandon. We had a really good time and I'm glad they came out. We left the bar around 4 and walked back to Alix's apt so I could get my car and Matt was going to drive us all home...the walk was sooo funny. First, some guys on the street were convinced I was Alicia Silverstone and they started freaking out when I didn't deny it hahaha..too funny. But what's weird is that one of the ladies I babysit for told me that I looked like her just last week. It comes in waves... I'll hear it a couple of times a month for awhile and then not at all. Anyway, back to my story...so we went to eat at this cafe that Matt and I like and George Lopez was there eating with a huge group. how funny. I used to love his show on the WB. After that we went back to Matt's apartment and I had a mini "mad" moment b/c his dry erase calendar was still up from August (last month, duh) and that whore he dated during August had written things on it and I just wanted to barf...."sleepover with babe" was written on there. OMG. I AM BABE! He walked into his room and he goes "I know what you're mad about but she didn't even sleep over here, she was moving way too fast...you can even ask her if you want..it didn't happen" and I was like "I'm actually more mad that she wrote BABE on there....I know MARY didn't spend the night so I have NO idea why it says BABE"...long story short it wasn't a big deal but I was definitely mad for a bit....he says he never called her babe and just explained how she moved way too fast etc etc....well THEN I noticed that someone had taken MY picture out of MY picture frame on his desk. He kinda freaked out about that too b/c it's the only framed picture of me that he had. I know you're thinking how did he not notice before, but the picture was on his desk whcih is totally used for storage b/c he doesn't have the internet so he never sits at his desk. Anyway, I bet you it was that hooker. There is no reason Matt would get rid of that picture and then LEAVE the 40 page scrap book I made him sitting right next to it...plus two cards. It had to have been someone else....someone who wouldn't have known that the red book was filled with hundreds of pics of Matt and I...and who also wouldn't have paid attention to the HUNDREDS of cards in a box that I had given him over 4 years ( used to send him a card a week while we were together and I was at school). I'm SO tempted to ask her if she did it but UGH... I know that's nuts..so I won't do it but it's fucking rude.
Blah blah... but like always, I have no idea what is going on with Matt and I. We definitely cuddled and slept in the same bed on Friday night and we had a blast while we were out together...we even danced while we were at the bar. I don't know. I'm so stupid. I know it. Why do I love this kid?! Seriously...on July 24th we were fighting and hating on eachother and then didn't see eachother for over a month..........then once I found out about that stupid hooker bitch, I've seen him 4 times and slept over once. I don't know. GOD....why isn't there a manual on how to deal with all of this?! I'm ALWAYS so confused when it comes to him. I never know what to do....the last time I tried to "go with the flow" and not freak out about getting back together etc we ended up fighting and not speaking bc I had thought we were exclusively dating and he...well....didn't. I don't want that to happen again but I'm afraid if I bring it up then it will ruin how much fun we've been having. I'm stuck. STUCK.
UGH!
In other news... I went to Chicago on Friday night to hang out with Alix and a bunch of her friends but it was kind of an awkward night b/c Alix had some dude in front out of town and a bunch of friends who all knew eachother so I was kinda just hanging out...so I got bored around midnight (and I could tell the girls were getting lame and would peace out soon) so I texted Matt and told he and Brandon (we had talked about it earlier) to come out to Wrigleyville and hang out for a bit. It took them over an hour to get there b/c they took the train and by then the girls had all left and it was just me, Sarah, Alix and here dude. They all left eventually and it was just me, Matt and Brandon. We had a really good time and I'm glad they came out. We left the bar around 4 and walked back to Alix's apt so I could get my car and Matt was going to drive us all home...the walk was sooo funny. First, some guys on the street were convinced I was Alicia Silverstone and they started freaking out when I didn't deny it hahaha..too funny. But what's weird is that one of the ladies I babysit for told me that I looked like her just last week. It comes in waves... I'll hear it a couple of times a month for awhile and then not at all. Anyway, back to my story...so we went to eat at this cafe that Matt and I like and George Lopez was there eating with a huge group. how funny. I used to love his show on the WB. After that we went back to Matt's apartment and I had a mini "mad" moment b/c his dry erase calendar was still up from August (last month, duh) and that whore he dated during August had written things on it and I just wanted to barf...."sleepover with babe" was written on there. OMG. I AM BABE! He walked into his room and he goes "I know what you're mad about but she didn't even sleep over here, she was moving way too fast...you can even ask her if you want..it didn't happen" and I was like "I'm actually more mad that she wrote BABE on there....I know MARY didn't spend the night so I have NO idea why it says BABE"...long story short it wasn't a big deal but I was definitely mad for a bit....he says he never called her babe and just explained how she moved way too fast etc etc....well THEN I noticed that someone had taken MY picture out of MY picture frame on his desk. He kinda freaked out about that too b/c it's the only framed picture of me that he had. I know you're thinking how did he not notice before, but the picture was on his desk whcih is totally used for storage b/c he doesn't have the internet so he never sits at his desk. Anyway, I bet you it was that hooker. There is no reason Matt would get rid of that picture and then LEAVE the 40 page scrap book I made him sitting right next to it...plus two cards. It had to have been someone else....someone who wouldn't have known that the red book was filled with hundreds of pics of Matt and I...and who also wouldn't have paid attention to the HUNDREDS of cards in a box that I had given him over 4 years ( used to send him a card a week while we were together and I was at school). I'm SO tempted to ask her if she did it but UGH... I know that's nuts..so I won't do it but it's fucking rude.
Blah blah... but like always, I have no idea what is going on with Matt and I. We definitely cuddled and slept in the same bed on Friday night and we had a blast while we were out together...we even danced while we were at the bar. I don't know. I'm so stupid. I know it. Why do I love this kid?! Seriously...on July 24th we were fighting and hating on eachother and then didn't see eachother for over a month..........then once I found out about that stupid hooker bitch, I've seen him 4 times and slept over once. I don't know. GOD....why isn't there a manual on how to deal with all of this?! I'm ALWAYS so confused when it comes to him. I never know what to do....the last time I tried to "go with the flow" and not freak out about getting back together etc we ended up fighting and not speaking bc I had thought we were exclusively dating and he...well....didn't. I don't want that to happen again but I'm afraid if I bring it up then it will ruin how much fun we've been having. I'm stuck. STUCK.
UGH!