"If you could be anyone, what would you be?"
I'm doing it again. I'm feeling the butterflies and jitters inside me that make my stomach twist and turn. My palms are sweaty, and there's nowhere I can run or hide. No more lucky alleyways when I feel that I've hit a dead end.
I have a sick problem. No, I'm not an alcoholic. No, I don't do drugs. No, I'm not a caffeine addict. It's a different type of issue. I have a problem with sticking to my guns. I've committed myself to pursuing into further education beyond a bachelor's degree, but I'm beginning to have doubts. Doubts that kept me from doing well with my last "major".
I'm wondering whether I want to pursue law. I know it's something I want to do. It's something I can see myself in doing, and it's actually what I told my counselor what I wanted to do my senior year of high school.
And when it finally comes down to the practices and the preparation, I choke. I get nervous, and I freak out. And the underlying truth to this problem is my weakness.
I don't know how it started or when it happened. It just did. And the effect to that cause is the product of what I am now. A part of me that I want to dismember. I have the fear of failure. And what better way to not fail? Avoid it. But this time, it's something I can't avoid.
People have told me constantly that I give up too much, too easily. And it's true. I would have been the cheerleader. I would have been the debater. I would have been the overachiever. I would have been the straight A student. I would have been top 10%. I would have been all that. But I was lazy, and for that, I was (for the lack of a better term) dumb. I think luck has provided me more than enough for what I need.
Perseverance did not help me get through the early years of college. To be honest, it was luck. Pure luck. Something I really should stop relying on. I know one day I will run out of luck and what then?
But back to my statement earlier...The point of all this is, will I really become what I want to be? Life gives you trials and hardships. It also gives you friendships and reinforcements. And with that, you're supposed to define yourself. But I don't want to look back 10 years from now and wonder "What if?" I think I have done that too much.
4 years from now, I don't want to look back and say "I could have graduated with a JD degree." 4 years from now, I want to look back and say "That shit sucked. Those were the hardest years of my life. How the fuck did I get through all that shit? What the fuck am I going to do now? Oh yeah, that's right, I did it biiiitch!"
I have a sick problem. No, I'm not an alcoholic. No, I don't do drugs. No, I'm not a caffeine addict. It's a different type of issue. I have a problem with sticking to my guns. I've committed myself to pursuing into further education beyond a bachelor's degree, but I'm beginning to have doubts. Doubts that kept me from doing well with my last "major".
I'm wondering whether I want to pursue law. I know it's something I want to do. It's something I can see myself in doing, and it's actually what I told my counselor what I wanted to do my senior year of high school.
And when it finally comes down to the practices and the preparation, I choke. I get nervous, and I freak out. And the underlying truth to this problem is my weakness.
I don't know how it started or when it happened. It just did. And the effect to that cause is the product of what I am now. A part of me that I want to dismember. I have the fear of failure. And what better way to not fail? Avoid it. But this time, it's something I can't avoid.
People have told me constantly that I give up too much, too easily. And it's true. I would have been the cheerleader. I would have been the debater. I would have been the overachiever. I would have been the straight A student. I would have been top 10%. I would have been all that. But I was lazy, and for that, I was (for the lack of a better term) dumb. I think luck has provided me more than enough for what I need.
Perseverance did not help me get through the early years of college. To be honest, it was luck. Pure luck. Something I really should stop relying on. I know one day I will run out of luck and what then?
But back to my statement earlier...The point of all this is, will I really become what I want to be? Life gives you trials and hardships. It also gives you friendships and reinforcements. And with that, you're supposed to define yourself. But I don't want to look back 10 years from now and wonder "What if?" I think I have done that too much.
4 years from now, I don't want to look back and say "I could have graduated with a JD degree." 4 years from now, I want to look back and say "That shit sucked. Those were the hardest years of my life. How the fuck did I get through all that shit? What the fuck am I going to do now? Oh yeah, that's right, I did it biiiitch!"