Starting Over?
I acted out a few days ago. In my defense, it was my birthday and I was particularly drunk and with this particularly attractive guy. I mean... I pretty much knew before the night was even underway that it would probably result in some bottom line activities. But it was just too good of an offer to pass up. I know I'm self-justifying there but, whatever.
It's only really acting out for me if I do it a lot and while sober. I was tipsy. I am sure that the drunk self and sober self are not the same person. And rarely do I get that drunk. Although perhaps I will probably have to start examining that aspect of my life as well. Especially if this becomes a pattern.
I'm a little upset about this lapse but it's okay. Every day is a new day. Another chance not to act out and to let in more of God and his infinite goodness. I was good Friday and today.
Although I suppose I'm beginning to understand what is meant by the term intrigue. I had a guy friend over for some beers by the pool today. I have known this friend for the majority of my time in this city. Things have always been friendly between us and our friendship revolves mostly around our shared interests. I always feel like there is a slight level of tension between us despite us both being involved with other people here and there throughout the course of our friendship. It's probably just a physical attraction on both parts and I think we both can realize that but it still exists. I wonder if this is a bad thing.
I want to say, so long as I'm single, it's okay to maintain friendships that might have other subconscious connotations to them. If we have never acted on these undertones, after years, why would we start? Especially when I am not allowing myself to give much thought to nor be interested in a physical or emotional relationship with anyone right now.
In other news, more and more I'm beginning to rethink my "friendship" with JC. We got into a bit of a disagreement on my birthday via texts. Everything is a power struggle with him it seems. He has told me things since his involvement with his new girlfriend that have made it difficult. Things which directly informed me they were physically involved in some capacity even though he too was remaining abstinent. (Apparently, it's selective abstinence?)
When I let him know of my relapse, he acted like I was out of line for sharing my failure. He told me to keep my exploits to myself when, less than a week or two ago, he was giving me an eval of his new girl's inferior skills... which he was comparing -- get this!! -- to mine. Oh. Because that doesn't compromise both our friendship and his relationship in some way?
In a moment of anger, I told him our friendship was unhealthy and I was ready to walk away from it. I text him later and told him I was sorry if he felt that I over-shared; it was never my intention. But that I still meant it when I said we were unhealthy. He told me he disagreed completely. I haven't talked to him since. I probably won't go to happy hour with him and his friends this week. And I'll probably feel bad about it.
I guess I would feel more comfortable if he didn't share things about his relationship with her with me. I know we're supposed to be friends and friends are supposed to depend on each other for support and whatnot but... some of those things didn't really need my support. I mean, if I were him, I probably wouldn't find our relationship very unhealthy either. He's always the beneficiary. Some people have the insight to see that, even when they're winning, they might really be losing. Apparently he isn't one of them. Everyone keeps asking why I still talk to him.
I wish I had an answer.
The only answer that readily comes to mind is the prospect of another physical relationship or at least another spell of physical interaction with him. If this is really my motivation for our continued involvement, it is quite clear our association needs to go out the window. I just crave that level of intensity again. It's not like it's a need that could probably ever be satisfied either. Even if we were we to become involved regularly like we were in the past, I would still want more when that was up. It would be a cycle.
Unfortunately, it's a cycle that's been proven before. When we decided to stop seeing each other (by whatever route that came about), I don't know why, but I stuck it out then too. Now I'm waiting for him to fall out of his current fleeting infatuation and sink back into physical involvement with me? I can't really hate myself for it... I was positively reinforced for being conveniently able and willing last time after all.
I'm thoroughly convinced a big part of this recovery is realizing there were some motivations for the way I've acted and I'm not completely irrational. The things I have been doing and the people I have been surrounding/involving myself with have filled very certain and important purposes for me. I've been leaning on these acting out crutches as a means of emotional and mental survival.
This doesn't make my past "okay." It just reassures me that I haven't totally lost it yet. Totally losing it would be failing to see the writing on the wall right now. This moment, right now, this new and struggling-to-emerge sobriety, is the brightest moment in my experience with this addiction. It is a step in the right direction, the first of which are always tough.
It's funny how I've always felt like I was winning all this time in nearly all of my decisions regarding my personal life. Only to now be facing the realization of the unfortunate truth that I've only been losing...
Thanking the Powers That Be for another day of not acting out.
Praying for the strength to continue. <3
It's only really acting out for me if I do it a lot and while sober. I was tipsy. I am sure that the drunk self and sober self are not the same person. And rarely do I get that drunk. Although perhaps I will probably have to start examining that aspect of my life as well. Especially if this becomes a pattern.
I'm a little upset about this lapse but it's okay. Every day is a new day. Another chance not to act out and to let in more of God and his infinite goodness. I was good Friday and today.
Although I suppose I'm beginning to understand what is meant by the term intrigue. I had a guy friend over for some beers by the pool today. I have known this friend for the majority of my time in this city. Things have always been friendly between us and our friendship revolves mostly around our shared interests. I always feel like there is a slight level of tension between us despite us both being involved with other people here and there throughout the course of our friendship. It's probably just a physical attraction on both parts and I think we both can realize that but it still exists. I wonder if this is a bad thing.
I want to say, so long as I'm single, it's okay to maintain friendships that might have other subconscious connotations to them. If we have never acted on these undertones, after years, why would we start? Especially when I am not allowing myself to give much thought to nor be interested in a physical or emotional relationship with anyone right now.
In other news, more and more I'm beginning to rethink my "friendship" with JC. We got into a bit of a disagreement on my birthday via texts. Everything is a power struggle with him it seems. He has told me things since his involvement with his new girlfriend that have made it difficult. Things which directly informed me they were physically involved in some capacity even though he too was remaining abstinent. (Apparently, it's selective abstinence?)
When I let him know of my relapse, he acted like I was out of line for sharing my failure. He told me to keep my exploits to myself when, less than a week or two ago, he was giving me an eval of his new girl's inferior skills... which he was comparing -- get this!! -- to mine. Oh. Because that doesn't compromise both our friendship and his relationship in some way?
In a moment of anger, I told him our friendship was unhealthy and I was ready to walk away from it. I text him later and told him I was sorry if he felt that I over-shared; it was never my intention. But that I still meant it when I said we were unhealthy. He told me he disagreed completely. I haven't talked to him since. I probably won't go to happy hour with him and his friends this week. And I'll probably feel bad about it.
I guess I would feel more comfortable if he didn't share things about his relationship with her with me. I know we're supposed to be friends and friends are supposed to depend on each other for support and whatnot but... some of those things didn't really need my support. I mean, if I were him, I probably wouldn't find our relationship very unhealthy either. He's always the beneficiary. Some people have the insight to see that, even when they're winning, they might really be losing. Apparently he isn't one of them. Everyone keeps asking why I still talk to him.
I wish I had an answer.
The only answer that readily comes to mind is the prospect of another physical relationship or at least another spell of physical interaction with him. If this is really my motivation for our continued involvement, it is quite clear our association needs to go out the window. I just crave that level of intensity again. It's not like it's a need that could probably ever be satisfied either. Even if we were we to become involved regularly like we were in the past, I would still want more when that was up. It would be a cycle.
Unfortunately, it's a cycle that's been proven before. When we decided to stop seeing each other (by whatever route that came about), I don't know why, but I stuck it out then too. Now I'm waiting for him to fall out of his current fleeting infatuation and sink back into physical involvement with me? I can't really hate myself for it... I was positively reinforced for being conveniently able and willing last time after all.
I'm thoroughly convinced a big part of this recovery is realizing there were some motivations for the way I've acted and I'm not completely irrational. The things I have been doing and the people I have been surrounding/involving myself with have filled very certain and important purposes for me. I've been leaning on these acting out crutches as a means of emotional and mental survival.
This doesn't make my past "okay." It just reassures me that I haven't totally lost it yet. Totally losing it would be failing to see the writing on the wall right now. This moment, right now, this new and struggling-to-emerge sobriety, is the brightest moment in my experience with this addiction. It is a step in the right direction, the first of which are always tough.
It's funny how I've always felt like I was winning all this time in nearly all of my decisions regarding my personal life. Only to now be facing the realization of the unfortunate truth that I've only been losing...
Thanking the Powers That Be for another day of not acting out.
Praying for the strength to continue. <3