Day #0006
It's been six days since I officially declared my sobriety. It's been nine days since my last bottom line behavior.
I didn't run today. I felt like I should but I've been so damn emotionally drained I just couldn't find it in me. I went to The Bar Formerly Known as Coco's for a Bud Light and Jack and Coke. People always say drinking by yourself is a telltale sign you have a problem. I find it relaxing. Maybe that's rationalizing. Anyways, I kept it to two drinks. Any exercise in self-restraint is a good one as far as I'm concerned.
I can't figure out where I am in The Steps. I feel like I'm way beyond Step One. I admitted to myself a very long time ago that there was a problem. I've considered for a long time that I had an addiction. It was only very recently though that I realized just how unmanageable my life had become. When I read Step Two, I know that there is something bigger than myself at work in life and that it can, very easily, restore me to sanity. After all, I haven't been able to do it alone. Something else has to at least assist me here. And I feel that I'm ready for Step Three -- to turn my will and life over to God. I know that all things are possible with my God. It's only been two meetings so I really can't say I'm ready for Step Four... then again, who is ever really ready to take a hard, honest look at their morals? I'm okay with tackling the first three for now. Really coming to terms with and grasping that there is a big problem in my life. A roadblock.
I bought my book tonight. I'm really excited to start reading it. And I'm even more excited the new version of the book doesn't say S.L.A.A. on the front of it. I have enough problems as it is without having to hide out in my house to read a book.
For the first time in years, resorting to some old coping methods crossed my mind again today. I know it won't get me anywhere. And then I'll just have to dwell on more bad decisions and feel worse about myself. Yet another thing I don't need. It just sucks knowing that I've backed myself into this corner... I'm alone and have a monster to deal with. Alone.
While I know these feelings I have to deal with now that I'm "standing still" suck, I just have to keep reminding myself they are temporary.
I didn't run today. I felt like I should but I've been so damn emotionally drained I just couldn't find it in me. I went to The Bar Formerly Known as Coco's for a Bud Light and Jack and Coke. People always say drinking by yourself is a telltale sign you have a problem. I find it relaxing. Maybe that's rationalizing. Anyways, I kept it to two drinks. Any exercise in self-restraint is a good one as far as I'm concerned.
I can't figure out where I am in The Steps. I feel like I'm way beyond Step One. I admitted to myself a very long time ago that there was a problem. I've considered for a long time that I had an addiction. It was only very recently though that I realized just how unmanageable my life had become. When I read Step Two, I know that there is something bigger than myself at work in life and that it can, very easily, restore me to sanity. After all, I haven't been able to do it alone. Something else has to at least assist me here. And I feel that I'm ready for Step Three -- to turn my will and life over to God. I know that all things are possible with my God. It's only been two meetings so I really can't say I'm ready for Step Four... then again, who is ever really ready to take a hard, honest look at their morals? I'm okay with tackling the first three for now. Really coming to terms with and grasping that there is a big problem in my life. A roadblock.
I bought my book tonight. I'm really excited to start reading it. And I'm even more excited the new version of the book doesn't say S.L.A.A. on the front of it. I have enough problems as it is without having to hide out in my house to read a book.
For the first time in years, resorting to some old coping methods crossed my mind again today. I know it won't get me anywhere. And then I'll just have to dwell on more bad decisions and feel worse about myself. Yet another thing I don't need. It just sucks knowing that I've backed myself into this corner... I'm alone and have a monster to deal with. Alone.
While I know these feelings I have to deal with now that I'm "standing still" suck, I just have to keep reminding myself they are temporary.