A Day Changes A Lot
My condo sold in one day. I got full asking price and they are covering the closing costs for me. They don't need to take possession until mid-November, which should give me plenty of time to get in there and situated. In fact, I'll be all decorated for the holidays by the time I move into Arlington Drive.
Back to Arlington Drive. I never, never thought I would see that day come. I believed that I would sell that place before I ended up living in it again. But there's a lot about it that makes sense to me. It's simple. It's what I want for now...something nice and easy. Familiar. When I left Arlington Drive, I was associating it with devastating sadness. A terrible union, a fast divorce, trying to absorb the grief of my mother's death. But now, I think of growing into adulthood there. I remember the good things. And going back there will be good for me. I'm more than ready to give up this crazy long commute. I can't really say whether or not I'm ready to leave Youngstown for good but what's there for me anymore? Home is, most definitely, where I hang my hat.
I'm missing Matt a lot today. The reality of being alone is starting to sink in for me. It's that answerless question. Is being alone the worst thing, or is being in a less-than-fulfilling relationship? I always opt for the alone thing. And then I am left thinking about what went RIGHT instead of remembering what went WRONG between us. And that's what I'm doing today. It's leaving me longing for him. I need to take my focus off of that and move it on to the decisions and changes that always accompany a move.
We've been texting and emailing but I noticed he's curbing that today. He probably is allowing it to sink in a bit more today and he realizes that it's real, this is happening. So he's starting to cut the tie. Rightly so. I can't blame him for that. He told me earlier that he's got to guard his heart and if I'm emailing him like it's just another day, how is it possible for him to do that? It's not fair for me to ask him to participate in the daily goings-on of my life, even though there's a huge, major change happening now. He did write that the thought of selling Arrowhead Bay suddenly made him very sad. I understand that. And, of course, it signals the true blue end of us. I wonder if he believes me when I tell him that I'm hurting, too. It's painful when something ends.
My classes are so unruly, they can't even sit still for a movie. It's unreal. What I've signed up for by moving closer to this is at least 11 more years of this shit. Perhaps 15. Can I play along with this for that long? Can I play school that long? Perhaps. I need to take it a year at a time.
I'm so muddled today. I'm sure it's because I got the news that we'd struck a deal with the condo last night, couldn't sleep, and I got up feeling tired. Feeling tired just isn't good for clear thinking. I'm feeling impatient with my students, grouchy...if I felt like I could get out of here for the day, for the rest of the week, I would do it. I'm feeling sad and lonely, too. Despite all of that, I know that I can't ask him to come back. I still know that it's over between us. That's so painful. It's still really painful.
So if a day can change a lot, I'm happy that this day means that my life is on the way to being simpler. But if a day can change a lot, I'm also praying that tomorrow is a lighter, easier day when it comes to thoughts of my parting with him.
Back to Arlington Drive. I never, never thought I would see that day come. I believed that I would sell that place before I ended up living in it again. But there's a lot about it that makes sense to me. It's simple. It's what I want for now...something nice and easy. Familiar. When I left Arlington Drive, I was associating it with devastating sadness. A terrible union, a fast divorce, trying to absorb the grief of my mother's death. But now, I think of growing into adulthood there. I remember the good things. And going back there will be good for me. I'm more than ready to give up this crazy long commute. I can't really say whether or not I'm ready to leave Youngstown for good but what's there for me anymore? Home is, most definitely, where I hang my hat.
I'm missing Matt a lot today. The reality of being alone is starting to sink in for me. It's that answerless question. Is being alone the worst thing, or is being in a less-than-fulfilling relationship? I always opt for the alone thing. And then I am left thinking about what went RIGHT instead of remembering what went WRONG between us. And that's what I'm doing today. It's leaving me longing for him. I need to take my focus off of that and move it on to the decisions and changes that always accompany a move.
We've been texting and emailing but I noticed he's curbing that today. He probably is allowing it to sink in a bit more today and he realizes that it's real, this is happening. So he's starting to cut the tie. Rightly so. I can't blame him for that. He told me earlier that he's got to guard his heart and if I'm emailing him like it's just another day, how is it possible for him to do that? It's not fair for me to ask him to participate in the daily goings-on of my life, even though there's a huge, major change happening now. He did write that the thought of selling Arrowhead Bay suddenly made him very sad. I understand that. And, of course, it signals the true blue end of us. I wonder if he believes me when I tell him that I'm hurting, too. It's painful when something ends.
My classes are so unruly, they can't even sit still for a movie. It's unreal. What I've signed up for by moving closer to this is at least 11 more years of this shit. Perhaps 15. Can I play along with this for that long? Can I play school that long? Perhaps. I need to take it a year at a time.
I'm so muddled today. I'm sure it's because I got the news that we'd struck a deal with the condo last night, couldn't sleep, and I got up feeling tired. Feeling tired just isn't good for clear thinking. I'm feeling impatient with my students, grouchy...if I felt like I could get out of here for the day, for the rest of the week, I would do it. I'm feeling sad and lonely, too. Despite all of that, I know that I can't ask him to come back. I still know that it's over between us. That's so painful. It's still really painful.
So if a day can change a lot, I'm happy that this day means that my life is on the way to being simpler. But if a day can change a lot, I'm also praying that tomorrow is a lighter, easier day when it comes to thoughts of my parting with him.