I was wrong about marriage
I did not put much time, and even less money into the campaign for equal marriage in Canada. Sure, I wrote a few letters to politicians, and I said publicly "that if the government was going to be in the business of legislating relationships, it should be available to all." but I was not "active" on the issue. I put my time and energy into other, more urgent matters. Urgent matters that remain urgent, and in some case have become more urgent. I didn't see marriage as my fight. It didn't seem like the most urgent matter facing people living in Canada, or even facing LGBTQ people living in Canada. I really did not think marriage mattered all that much. I would have told you that it was the stamp of societal approval, available only to those willing to conform to heteronormative values and not part of queer liberation.
And then (with work and effort and a supreme court ruling) marriage laws changed.
And some time later I got married. I got religiously married and legally married.
Because I was married, it was easier to sponsor my partner to come to Canada. Because I was married, we did not have to swear to the government that we were monogamous. Because we were married my application to sponsor hir was fast-tracked. Because we are married, we can jointly file taxes, which saves us money. Because we are married it was easier to both be legal parents to our child, and some protections are afforded in the event of the death of one or both of us. Because we are married, border crossing became easier as our relationship is one that border guards find easier to recognize. It's true, I have directly benefited from legally being able to get married in Canada. And even after getting married, I would have told you that marriage was a societal stamp of approval, available only to those willing to conform to heteronormative values - and certainly not the be all and end all of LGBTQ rights.
I still work with queer youth in schools who need more protections, and images of themselves, and to learn about LGBTQ individuals, histories and social movements. And sexworkers still aren't safe at work, and trans people are not specifically protected in the human rights code, or able to access medical care related to transition in an accessible respectful way, and there is still a lack of affordable housing, and the compassionate city of Toronto that I live in and love is at risk of being gutted, and... and... And I am coming around to the idea that perhaps equal marriage had some benefits for all of us after all.
In part this is due to a brief stop we made some months ago in a town I'm going to call The Valley of the Homophobes. We were driving home from the Philli Trans Health Conference, me, My Tender Beast, our Homotastic Friend and the Small Boy. We pulled off the interstate, somewhere between Philli and the border and stopped at what appeared to be a very popular ice-cream location. We were perhaps the gayest thing The Valley of the Homophobes had ever seen; we were using hair product, we were relatively well dressed, there may even have been glitter. Not incidentally, all the grown-ups would claim queer as an identity. The Small Boy calls two of us "Abba" and "Papa" and is very fond of our Homotastic Friend. The Small Boy and I headed for the children's play structure. The dad who was there gathered up his two children and corralled them into a car with a lie about their mother being home. I know it was a lie as the children protested that she was at work, where they had just dropped her off. Dad eventually got upset and made them go "Just because". When we got in line for ice-cream, a hush fell over the crowd. No one would make eye contact, and all but one physically turned away from us. The one who did not was a young boy who's face clearly said "take me with you, you are my people", and he was turned around by his mother. We got our ice-cream and got back in the car and left. There were not pitch forks, and we were not physically at risk, but the message was clear - they did not want us there.
In the context of my work, I have more than often talked about the impact of a school clearly and openly stating that it welcomes LGBTQ people. When a school says that it will not allow homophobia, and that LGBTQ people are a valued part of the school community it sets the tone for teachers, students, parents and caregivers. When the values are visible - on the school website, posted in the building, in the student handbook, talked about, included in diversity celebrations, present in library materials incidents of homophobia go down. Policy and even publicly announcing policy is not going to make a school a welcoming space, but it is an important step in the right direction.
I find myself wondering if the same is true for countries. In Canada, the government has said that in marriage, as in housing, employment, adoption, spousal benefits and other areas, we're equal. It's a bit like getting the government stamp of approval, and while I don't personally need it, I think there are other people whose behaviour towards me has changed as a result. If the government says I'm equal, I am to them too, and they treat me accordingly. In the U.S.A. the government has said "something's wrong here", "something's not right" and "not as good" and LGBTQ people get treated that way.
Marriage is not "the most important LGBTQ issue" and the legal arrival of equal marriage does not mean we have achieved equality, but it's not true that it only benefits those who get married. Equal marriage is a clear statement of Canadian values - ones I hope we will continue to hold. If The Harper Governmenttm decide to challenge that, they'll hear more from me this time around.
I'm still pissed-off at all those people who got worked up about marriage, donated lots of money and then went home and stopped being involved with LGBTQ organizations, but I'm ready to offer them a deal. I'll admit that I was wrong about marriage not being good for us broadly. Now you get back involved; support movements for transrights, support LGBTQ youth, make homes for seniors LGBTQ welcoming, get trans people access to health care, to ensure the City of Toronto continues to fund AIDS Service Organizations and ethno-specific LGBTQ organizations and groups. We need you on these ones too, and I've a suspicion it might be good for you.
And then (with work and effort and a supreme court ruling) marriage laws changed.
And some time later I got married. I got religiously married and legally married.
Because I was married, it was easier to sponsor my partner to come to Canada. Because I was married, we did not have to swear to the government that we were monogamous. Because we were married my application to sponsor hir was fast-tracked. Because we are married, we can jointly file taxes, which saves us money. Because we are married it was easier to both be legal parents to our child, and some protections are afforded in the event of the death of one or both of us. Because we are married, border crossing became easier as our relationship is one that border guards find easier to recognize. It's true, I have directly benefited from legally being able to get married in Canada. And even after getting married, I would have told you that marriage was a societal stamp of approval, available only to those willing to conform to heteronormative values - and certainly not the be all and end all of LGBTQ rights.
I still work with queer youth in schools who need more protections, and images of themselves, and to learn about LGBTQ individuals, histories and social movements. And sexworkers still aren't safe at work, and trans people are not specifically protected in the human rights code, or able to access medical care related to transition in an accessible respectful way, and there is still a lack of affordable housing, and the compassionate city of Toronto that I live in and love is at risk of being gutted, and... and... And I am coming around to the idea that perhaps equal marriage had some benefits for all of us after all.
In part this is due to a brief stop we made some months ago in a town I'm going to call The Valley of the Homophobes. We were driving home from the Philli Trans Health Conference, me, My Tender Beast, our Homotastic Friend and the Small Boy. We pulled off the interstate, somewhere between Philli and the border and stopped at what appeared to be a very popular ice-cream location. We were perhaps the gayest thing The Valley of the Homophobes had ever seen; we were using hair product, we were relatively well dressed, there may even have been glitter. Not incidentally, all the grown-ups would claim queer as an identity. The Small Boy calls two of us "Abba" and "Papa" and is very fond of our Homotastic Friend. The Small Boy and I headed for the children's play structure. The dad who was there gathered up his two children and corralled them into a car with a lie about their mother being home. I know it was a lie as the children protested that she was at work, where they had just dropped her off. Dad eventually got upset and made them go "Just because". When we got in line for ice-cream, a hush fell over the crowd. No one would make eye contact, and all but one physically turned away from us. The one who did not was a young boy who's face clearly said "take me with you, you are my people", and he was turned around by his mother. We got our ice-cream and got back in the car and left. There were not pitch forks, and we were not physically at risk, but the message was clear - they did not want us there.
In the context of my work, I have more than often talked about the impact of a school clearly and openly stating that it welcomes LGBTQ people. When a school says that it will not allow homophobia, and that LGBTQ people are a valued part of the school community it sets the tone for teachers, students, parents and caregivers. When the values are visible - on the school website, posted in the building, in the student handbook, talked about, included in diversity celebrations, present in library materials incidents of homophobia go down. Policy and even publicly announcing policy is not going to make a school a welcoming space, but it is an important step in the right direction.
I find myself wondering if the same is true for countries. In Canada, the government has said that in marriage, as in housing, employment, adoption, spousal benefits and other areas, we're equal. It's a bit like getting the government stamp of approval, and while I don't personally need it, I think there are other people whose behaviour towards me has changed as a result. If the government says I'm equal, I am to them too, and they treat me accordingly. In the U.S.A. the government has said "something's wrong here", "something's not right" and "not as good" and LGBTQ people get treated that way.
Marriage is not "the most important LGBTQ issue" and the legal arrival of equal marriage does not mean we have achieved equality, but it's not true that it only benefits those who get married. Equal marriage is a clear statement of Canadian values - ones I hope we will continue to hold. If The Harper Governmenttm decide to challenge that, they'll hear more from me this time around.
I'm still pissed-off at all those people who got worked up about marriage, donated lots of money and then went home and stopped being involved with LGBTQ organizations, but I'm ready to offer them a deal. I'll admit that I was wrong about marriage not being good for us broadly. Now you get back involved; support movements for transrights, support LGBTQ youth, make homes for seniors LGBTQ welcoming, get trans people access to health care, to ensure the City of Toronto continues to fund AIDS Service Organizations and ethno-specific LGBTQ organizations and groups. We need you on these ones too, and I've a suspicion it might be good for you.