Across the Great Divide
We stopped in at the Carter's outlet on Thursday. We had pajamas to return, and The Small Boy just keeps growing out of things. And I realized how sheltered I've been from mainstream shopping for childrens' clothes. We've been the grateful recipients of many hand-me-downs, we often shop on Etsy, we've been given lovely clothing, we've bought in consignment stores and other second hand locations, and for the rest, My Tender Beast does the shopping. I was unprepared for Carter's.
The store was divided by a broad path, with one side being the Land of Pink and the other being for pint size varsity athletes and construction workers. They were distinct, divided, and distant from each other. Boys' shirts read: "Mommy's Hero", "Daddy's Helper", "Dad's Number One Record Breaker" and "Hunk". Girls' shirts read: "Mommy's silly monkey", "Mom's B.F.F. Forever", "Daddy's Princess", or "Daddy's girl" with pictures of hearts. The way both children and adults are being gendered on those shirts alone was stomach churning for me. What does a 2 year old do, for his mother that makes him a "hero". Why does mom need a hero, while dad gets a helper? Why do boys get rewarded and praised with "hero", "helper" and "number one record breaker" while girls are put-down with "silly monkey"? Both "Daddy's Girl" with the hearts, and the "Hunk" shirt seemed sexualized, which is totally inappropriate for shirts for children aged 4-6. Boys help and save, girls are silly, are friends and love, and both boys and girls get shortchanged in this. I compared a boys set of pajamas and a girls set and the cuts were identical - with two-year-olds the adult argument that different cuts are needed just is not true. The amount of instructions available to children in the very clothes about what and how to be a girl or boy is amazing.
I want to be clear that it's not that I am opposed to gender, or even to gendered clothing. I'm not suggesting that we all need to wear yellow sacks without messages all the time, or even some of the time. I am opposed to there being only two gender options, absolutely distinct pillars totally remote from each other. I imagined what a children's store might look like if there were masculine clothes and feminine clothes and several gradients in between. I imagine children's clothes arraigned by size and type (pajamas, outerwear, shirts etc) rather than into genders. Planet Kid does a great job of this in their bricks-and-mortar store, although their website is more divided, it's one of the reasons we have sometimes bought their beautiful and well constructed (if expensive) stuff. What if we did not train girls to wear pink and boys to eschew it?
I would tell you that we try to dress the Small Boy in relatively gender neutral clothing. And yet, in the Carter's world that means we are picking entirely from the boy's side of the store. When all the girls clothes are pink and have bows on them, it's clothing from the boys' side that becomes gender neutral. Clothing with animals on it, clothing with bright stripes, clothing with no messaging or images at all. Which makes me wonder, if the "gender neutral" comes only from the boy's side, does that further normalize being a boy, making girlhood the exception?
The Small Boy has a great love and appreciation for flowers at the moment and he and I wandered the Pink side looking for something with flowers on for him. Everything we found also said "girl" or "princess" on it, and we left without flowers for him. I want there to be flowered options for any child, but at Carter's on Thursday clearly only girls like flowers.
In recent days we've been putting a clip in his hair. A small, unadorned metal clip, although that aesthetic, choice has more to do with the fact that we have a great number of them left over from our wedding and that babies frequently loose hair clips than a particular commitment to style. And yet, the tiny clip in his long curls makes him a girl to many people. We've been told by more than one person that if we don't cut his hair people will think he's a girl. We're not ready to cut it - it's beautiful and we are unlikely to be scared into it cutting it to preserve other people's gender assumptions.
I want to work towards a world where children feel there are gender options. In the morning, we give The Small Boy a small amount of choice in his clothing, "Do you want the red shirt or the orange shirt today?" and I am hoping we can keep to give him choices, and respect the choices he makes. Clearly this will continue to require some work.
The store was divided by a broad path, with one side being the Land of Pink and the other being for pint size varsity athletes and construction workers. They were distinct, divided, and distant from each other. Boys' shirts read: "Mommy's Hero", "Daddy's Helper", "Dad's Number One Record Breaker" and "Hunk". Girls' shirts read: "Mommy's silly monkey", "Mom's B.F.F. Forever", "Daddy's Princess", or "Daddy's girl" with pictures of hearts. The way both children and adults are being gendered on those shirts alone was stomach churning for me. What does a 2 year old do, for his mother that makes him a "hero". Why does mom need a hero, while dad gets a helper? Why do boys get rewarded and praised with "hero", "helper" and "number one record breaker" while girls are put-down with "silly monkey"? Both "Daddy's Girl" with the hearts, and the "Hunk" shirt seemed sexualized, which is totally inappropriate for shirts for children aged 4-6. Boys help and save, girls are silly, are friends and love, and both boys and girls get shortchanged in this. I compared a boys set of pajamas and a girls set and the cuts were identical - with two-year-olds the adult argument that different cuts are needed just is not true. The amount of instructions available to children in the very clothes about what and how to be a girl or boy is amazing.
I want to be clear that it's not that I am opposed to gender, or even to gendered clothing. I'm not suggesting that we all need to wear yellow sacks without messages all the time, or even some of the time. I am opposed to there being only two gender options, absolutely distinct pillars totally remote from each other. I imagined what a children's store might look like if there were masculine clothes and feminine clothes and several gradients in between. I imagine children's clothes arraigned by size and type (pajamas, outerwear, shirts etc) rather than into genders. Planet Kid does a great job of this in their bricks-and-mortar store, although their website is more divided, it's one of the reasons we have sometimes bought their beautiful and well constructed (if expensive) stuff. What if we did not train girls to wear pink and boys to eschew it?
I would tell you that we try to dress the Small Boy in relatively gender neutral clothing. And yet, in the Carter's world that means we are picking entirely from the boy's side of the store. When all the girls clothes are pink and have bows on them, it's clothing from the boys' side that becomes gender neutral. Clothing with animals on it, clothing with bright stripes, clothing with no messaging or images at all. Which makes me wonder, if the "gender neutral" comes only from the boy's side, does that further normalize being a boy, making girlhood the exception?
The Small Boy has a great love and appreciation for flowers at the moment and he and I wandered the Pink side looking for something with flowers on for him. Everything we found also said "girl" or "princess" on it, and we left without flowers for him. I want there to be flowered options for any child, but at Carter's on Thursday clearly only girls like flowers.
In recent days we've been putting a clip in his hair. A small, unadorned metal clip, although that aesthetic, choice has more to do with the fact that we have a great number of them left over from our wedding and that babies frequently loose hair clips than a particular commitment to style. And yet, the tiny clip in his long curls makes him a girl to many people. We've been told by more than one person that if we don't cut his hair people will think he's a girl. We're not ready to cut it - it's beautiful and we are unlikely to be scared into it cutting it to preserve other people's gender assumptions.
I want to work towards a world where children feel there are gender options. In the morning, we give The Small Boy a small amount of choice in his clothing, "Do you want the red shirt or the orange shirt today?" and I am hoping we can keep to give him choices, and respect the choices he makes. Clearly this will continue to require some work.