This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race
This time last week I was a ball of nerves, the thought of picking up where I left off with school threw me into a fit of panic. I am taking Intro to Sociology, Fundamentals of Human Communications and Intermediate Algebra, you know, the classes I've dropped out of almost three times now. The only class from that small (yet not) list that I felt comfortable with is Sociology. I hate public speaking and mathematics and I were not on speaking terms so this quarter loomed ahead of me like a quarter of doom.
Fast forward seven days, and I'm chill. I started class on Wednesday and after a rough weekend of studying 10+ hours a day, I'm comfortable with where we are in Algebra and I have my first (short) Sociology paper done. I still have a two minute speech to write but that's nothing to flip out over. I am also thoroughly enjoying the fact that I only have class Monday-Thursday. That means that every single weekend is a three day weekend. Score 1 for me.
Want to know the best part? It started snowing yesterday, a steady flow of little white pretty snowflakes and I wished so hard that my wish came true. I am currently breezing through the first snow day of the year. Score 2 for me.
I woke up at seven this morning and immediately grabbed my phone. I found the prettiest little text from my school saying school was canceled in a very ominous tone and I fell back asleep with a small, smug, smile on my face. With all my homework finished, a long day still stretches before me and even though I could get a head start on this coming week's homework, I am probably going to lounge around and watch The Bachelor later and go right back to bed. But you know what? I ain't even mad.
What I am stressing over is my financial situation. I am scheduled to receive my Fin Aid refund by the end of the week and I know that for sure, I am going to buy a laptop. I almost absolutely have to as the one I have now is rapidly dying. And to be honest, I just really want a new one. I have been obsessively online window shopping and I even have the one I want picked out. I keep checking the Best Buy website three times a day to make sure they still have it in stock.
I can justify subtracting $900 from my refund for that. That's fine, but the problem is that now, I have set my heart on buying an Xbox 360 because I really want to play COD Black Ops and Halo Reach. Why? I have no idea, I just have my heart set on it and the heart wants what it wants without reason. But, I'm an adult. And I have so many bills that I have to catch up on that I can not justify buying it (this quarter at least!) which really bums me out. Though in addition to the feeling of accomplishment of paying some of my bills will give me, I'm also thinking I might buy myself something pretty and frivolous. I might buy myself a stylish winter coat or some fun, flirty, panties no one but me will ever see. Or a desk from IKEA (!!), since I have been window shopping at their online store for hours on end as well. Score 3 for me.
With all this free time on my hands today, I have been thinking about a few conversations I had with people last night. Last night, practically all the conversations I held had to deal with recovery of some form and when speaking of recovery, the issues of depression, darkness and worthiness always present themselves. The way I responded to these conversations surprised me as my answers weren't so negative. The person that participated in those conversations wasn't nearly as bitter or as hopeless as I would have predicted.
To be honest, it's a small miracle and on the other hand, it scares me a little. Am I really recovering or am I avoiding... everything? My nights are still rough and I feel as if I am unable to stay in one place for too long because I feel like I will start dwelling on my emotional state, over-analyzing my feelings until I sitting in the middle of my floor, a sobbing mess. I still cry at the drop of a hat and I feel an overwhelming despair inside of me when I think about how I might be alone for the rest of my life. I am scared that my doctor honestly suggested that we should talk about Bipolar Disorder and that my unofficially diagnosed FMS will drag me back down into the abyss.
But really? My days are clearer than I thought possible. I constantly relive the break of my last relationship in my sleep, in my dreams, every night and they haunt me throughout the day, but I am stronger now than I was then. And with this newly discovered strength, I feel better equipped to deal with the melancholy of it all. But am I really?
There is still a chasm inside of me, filled with demons that are still angry and ugly and I am not settled into thinking they have calmed. They are practicing ancient war tactics; trying to fool me into lowering my guard before they attack. They only stir in the shadows and in my periphery, for now. I am not fooled, I know they possess no mercy and that my battles with them are always on the wrong side of noble. They aren't gentlemen, they are not yielding to the fact that I need to recover my strength or recollect my thoughts. They are waiting for the cracks in my shield to reappear and then, there will be blood.
So, what am I filling the void with? Why am I so level-headed all of a sudden? School is something I am doing to better my odds in the future, not to pass the time. I am sleeping more than usual, but in all honesty, I have been deathly ill so I am just recovering from the pneumonia and the colds and the UTIs. In the past, it would be sex, drugs and destructive behavior and I'm really confused this time around because I am not doing anything to break myself apart further. And after reading that, I asked myself, "What's so wrong with that?" Nothing, I suppose. Leaning on self-destructive behavior has been the only coping mechanism that has really worked for me in the past, a coping mechanism that I have yet to employ. And that's where I start to question. What in me has changed so drastically that I am opting for the healthy instead of the not?
I am medicating myself with literature, music, and movies. I am calling/texting my friends to chat instead of locking myself in my darkened bedroom to cry until all the life is drained from me. I have made a commitment to myself to stay away from relationships until I feel ready, physically and emotionally. I am writing and making collages and I have started charcoal work again. I am being creative again and through the creativity, the worst of it funnels out of me so that the rest is manageable. I am continually looking deep within me for the answers. I am recreating my reactions and responses. I am looking at everything from a fresh perspective and even though on a lot of aspects, I still come up with the same old conclusion, I have found there are situations in my life where I have a new understanding or a new approach.
This either shows tremendous growth or it is just the calm before the storm.
Fast forward seven days, and I'm chill. I started class on Wednesday and after a rough weekend of studying 10+ hours a day, I'm comfortable with where we are in Algebra and I have my first (short) Sociology paper done. I still have a two minute speech to write but that's nothing to flip out over. I am also thoroughly enjoying the fact that I only have class Monday-Thursday. That means that every single weekend is a three day weekend. Score 1 for me.
Want to know the best part? It started snowing yesterday, a steady flow of little white pretty snowflakes and I wished so hard that my wish came true. I am currently breezing through the first snow day of the year. Score 2 for me.
I woke up at seven this morning and immediately grabbed my phone. I found the prettiest little text from my school saying school was canceled in a very ominous tone and I fell back asleep with a small, smug, smile on my face. With all my homework finished, a long day still stretches before me and even though I could get a head start on this coming week's homework, I am probably going to lounge around and watch The Bachelor later and go right back to bed. But you know what? I ain't even mad.
What I am stressing over is my financial situation. I am scheduled to receive my Fin Aid refund by the end of the week and I know that for sure, I am going to buy a laptop. I almost absolutely have to as the one I have now is rapidly dying. And to be honest, I just really want a new one. I have been obsessively online window shopping and I even have the one I want picked out. I keep checking the Best Buy website three times a day to make sure they still have it in stock.
I can justify subtracting $900 from my refund for that. That's fine, but the problem is that now, I have set my heart on buying an Xbox 360 because I really want to play COD Black Ops and Halo Reach. Why? I have no idea, I just have my heart set on it and the heart wants what it wants without reason. But, I'm an adult. And I have so many bills that I have to catch up on that I can not justify buying it (this quarter at least!) which really bums me out. Though in addition to the feeling of accomplishment of paying some of my bills will give me, I'm also thinking I might buy myself something pretty and frivolous. I might buy myself a stylish winter coat or some fun, flirty, panties no one but me will ever see. Or a desk from IKEA (!!), since I have been window shopping at their online store for hours on end as well. Score 3 for me.
With all this free time on my hands today, I have been thinking about a few conversations I had with people last night. Last night, practically all the conversations I held had to deal with recovery of some form and when speaking of recovery, the issues of depression, darkness and worthiness always present themselves. The way I responded to these conversations surprised me as my answers weren't so negative. The person that participated in those conversations wasn't nearly as bitter or as hopeless as I would have predicted.
To be honest, it's a small miracle and on the other hand, it scares me a little. Am I really recovering or am I avoiding... everything? My nights are still rough and I feel as if I am unable to stay in one place for too long because I feel like I will start dwelling on my emotional state, over-analyzing my feelings until I sitting in the middle of my floor, a sobbing mess. I still cry at the drop of a hat and I feel an overwhelming despair inside of me when I think about how I might be alone for the rest of my life. I am scared that my doctor honestly suggested that we should talk about Bipolar Disorder and that my unofficially diagnosed FMS will drag me back down into the abyss.
But really? My days are clearer than I thought possible. I constantly relive the break of my last relationship in my sleep, in my dreams, every night and they haunt me throughout the day, but I am stronger now than I was then. And with this newly discovered strength, I feel better equipped to deal with the melancholy of it all. But am I really?
There is still a chasm inside of me, filled with demons that are still angry and ugly and I am not settled into thinking they have calmed. They are practicing ancient war tactics; trying to fool me into lowering my guard before they attack. They only stir in the shadows and in my periphery, for now. I am not fooled, I know they possess no mercy and that my battles with them are always on the wrong side of noble. They aren't gentlemen, they are not yielding to the fact that I need to recover my strength or recollect my thoughts. They are waiting for the cracks in my shield to reappear and then, there will be blood.
So, what am I filling the void with? Why am I so level-headed all of a sudden? School is something I am doing to better my odds in the future, not to pass the time. I am sleeping more than usual, but in all honesty, I have been deathly ill so I am just recovering from the pneumonia and the colds and the UTIs. In the past, it would be sex, drugs and destructive behavior and I'm really confused this time around because I am not doing anything to break myself apart further. And after reading that, I asked myself, "What's so wrong with that?" Nothing, I suppose. Leaning on self-destructive behavior has been the only coping mechanism that has really worked for me in the past, a coping mechanism that I have yet to employ. And that's where I start to question. What in me has changed so drastically that I am opting for the healthy instead of the not?
I am medicating myself with literature, music, and movies. I am calling/texting my friends to chat instead of locking myself in my darkened bedroom to cry until all the life is drained from me. I have made a commitment to myself to stay away from relationships until I feel ready, physically and emotionally. I am writing and making collages and I have started charcoal work again. I am being creative again and through the creativity, the worst of it funnels out of me so that the rest is manageable. I am continually looking deep within me for the answers. I am recreating my reactions and responses. I am looking at everything from a fresh perspective and even though on a lot of aspects, I still come up with the same old conclusion, I have found there are situations in my life where I have a new understanding or a new approach.
This either shows tremendous growth or it is just the calm before the storm.