none [empty]
8.06 am- shitty night last night- makes me real twitchy/ a nervous wreck/ panicked/ worried right now.
basically, until i see him, i won't stop worrying. i meant to bring my rosary today, and ended up forgetting.
i swear, if jeff actually did crash his car last night, i'll kill him if he isn't already dead.
[he's not not not]
9.06 am- still havent seen him. prolly avoiding me to drive me nuts. he can't seem to figure it the fuck out, no way will i- nor can i- ever replace him. he's fucking awesome, keeps me sane. i gotta tell ya though, fucker pissed me off.
fucking questioned my faith- made me question my own faith. what the fuck. making it seem like God's not there- i wish i could make him understand, all the shit he's gone through- they're all challenges God has given him, to make him stronger. and he's a better person for it. He thinks people don't care, that no one will miss him, and that no one gives a shit. >>>
NEWS FLASH McKEE:
I fucking give a shit.
I fucking care, and FUCK yes, I will miss you. like you don't even know. you say i don't know how much you'll miss me. i think i fucking do know jeff. i gonna miss you so fucking much it almost hurts. yoou say its not like i love you?
THINK FUCKING AGAIN PUNK.
maybe you're just blind, or maybe i'm afraid of fucking shit up, -but you know what- fucking whatever, i dont care what the hell happens to us anymore- if you're leaving, you need to know, and i'm not hiding it anymore.
I fucking love you, ok? i love you. i said it, ok? do with it what you will, take my heart or break it, at least you know.
so maybe we never talk again, cuz you dont feel the same anymore, but dont tell me you dont remember that conversation we had like what? two days, three dats before school. -->
[with hands held high into a sky so blue, as the ocean opens up to swallow you...]
[[amen]]
i told you i liked you- i fucking meant every word of it. so maybe i was stupid cuz i didnt do something about it sooner, and i should have. oh well, i'm doing something about it now.
i told you i'd support you whether you stayed at gunnery for the five months [five jeff. just five months.] you have left, or if you went to newtown. and i will, but i sure as hell won't be happy about it.
[show me how it ends, its alright
show me how defenseless you reall are
satisfy an empty inside
well that's alright, let's give this another try...]
you're fucked up. i get that. i know, believe me i do. i'm fucked up too. you don't even know how many times i came close to jumping out that third floor window last year, just to get it done with, and be gone. >
its the scariest fucking feeling in the world, wanting to kill yourself, or try just to see going just past the edge enough to see who cares enough to pull you back over- who cares enough to reach out and grab your hand.
[and the rain will kill us all
throw ourselves against the wall
but no one else can see
the preservation of the martyr in me...]
i know that feeling too well- scary as shit- i still feel it- it scares the fuck outta me too jeff. my wrists? constantly feel like i've cut them. i haven't- i never went to my wrists [lie- once- seventh grade]. but i still know the feeling. and no one else understands- just how fucking frightening it is.
Gerard Way said something once that i live by:
"If you, or someone you know, are severely depressed, you NEED to fucking TALK to somebody: Your best friend, your mom, somebody at school, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK- because pissing your life away on suicide is FUCKING BULL SHIT."
I LIVE those words jeff. i talk to you cause you know it- you know the feeling of helplessness. you've helped me.
now let me help you.
ALIVE- wake up, you're alive, we're on your side.
- to write love her arms.
xxxNell.
-no, no more sorrow
i've paid for your mistakes.
-linkin park, no more sorrow.
[i am not afraid to keep on living.
i am not afraid to walk this world alone.]