Fanworksathon Fic: The Ashes Left Behind
Title: The Ashes Left Behind
Author: iris_imer
Pairings: Sulu/Chekov
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 16, 200
Summary: This was written for the Fanworksathon prompt:
5-7 years ago, something went horribly awry on a mission. Chekov blamed himself ~ he already had huge un-dealt-with guilt re: what happened with Spock's mom, and this was devastating for him (though ultimately it wasn't actually his fault!), so he resigned from Starfleet.
Sulu has just made Captain but he's not sure he wants to accept the commission. At the end of his current mission and before he's made his decision, he decides to do some soul searching and ends up at Chekov's residence in Russia.
Chekov is a bitter, cynical wreck. Sulu is soft with him at first, but ends up getting really frustrated and angry, and yet can't let him go. They've both been in a lot of pain without each other, and they attempt to repel each other out of resentment and yet keep reeling each other back in during this week or so that Sulu is allowed to haunt Chekov's unrealized life.
H-happy ending please. ;__;
Hikaru's eyes fluttered shut, the lights from the room burning him. His breathing was coming in small gasps as his tongue flicked over his dry bleeding lips. Every movement from the medical team seemed too slow but Hikaru couldn't quite catch up. Dr. McCoy stared intently down at him, his mouth forming words that didn't seem to make any sense to Hikaru. His lips curled into a smile as the confused sounds washed over him. "You aren't making any sense." He whispered, but just as McCoy's words made no sense to him, his words sounded like gibberish. Of course McCoy wouldn't understand him. His words came from a broken and bloody place. A look of concern passed over McCoy's face as Hikaru grabbed his wrist.
The brightness of the room, the swirl of people, the smell of his own blood and urine was overpowering. His head fell to the side followed by a sharp intake of breath. "Hikaru." The breathy words floated in his mind for a moment. That's my name. Hikaru forced his heavy eyes to look at the source of the sound.
Chekov was pale. His already small body seemed to crumple in on itself although he remained standing. His eyes were wide and glassy and his lips were moving, as if he was mumbling something to himself that no one was meant to hear.
"Chekov, we need him as calm as possible." McCoy stated flatly, working at cutting the shreds of Hikaru’s uniform from his body. "Hold his hand. Talk to him."
Chekov didn't move, his body tensing. His hands clenched into fists as if ready for a fight. "I..I-" Chekov stuttered, his eyes trailing over Hikaru's broken body.
"Ensign!" McCoy snapped, his blue eyes shrewdly taking Pavel in. "He needs you now!"
Hikaru's hand grasped in the air between himself and Chekov. Please. Please. The medical staff continued to strip his body of the tattered rags that were once his uniform. Each strip of cloth that was removed from his skin felt like fire liking at his bare flesh. Tears began pooling in his eyes, a high pitched cry escaping his throat as wounds he didn't even know he had began opening and pouring with fresh blood.
Chekov's eyes clenched shut for a moment, his head turning away from McCoy's sharp gaze. Backing away from the bio bed, Chekov's heels hit the wall. Stumbling, he pressed his hands against the cold surface, holding himself upright. His eyes roamed the room. His lips began to tremble as he clawed uselessly at the wall. Short puffs of air escaped his lips as his chest rose and fell unevenly. Trailing his eyes once more over the writhing bloody body, Chekov's eyes settled on Hikaru’s face.
"Dammit it Chekov." McCoy yelled, grabbing Hikaru by the arms, struggling to get him back on the bio bed? "Chapel, he needs the sedative now!" McCoy shouted, as she handed him the hypo spray. "But we don't know the extent of the head trauma." Chapel said discreetly, her worried eyes falling on Chekov.
"We can't wait! His blood pressure is rising. His heart will give out if we don't do something now!" McCoy jabbed the hypo spray into Hikaru's neck. A warmth spread through him, reaching the tips of his toes and fingers. The feeling was seductive, but Hikaru remained stubbornly awake. Grasping in the air, he blinked lazily at Chekov as he raced from the room, his legs and back flexing with the exertion.
So beautiful, Hikaru thought to himself before passing into unconsciousness. So beautiful, when he's leaving.
~~~
Hikaru filled a spray bottle and walked through the kitchen to the living room. In the short time he had stayed at Pavel's home, he had taken it upon himself to tend to the fern. He had spent time cleaning it's leaves, watering and fertilizing the soil, and of course, talking to it gently, something Pavel snickered at when he had caught him in the act. The ferns foliage looked fuller and brighter, although Hikaru knew rationally that it would take longer for such a change. Spraying the fern's leaves, Hikaru sighed, wishing his efforts with Pavel would yield such fast and easy results.
Pavel was absent from the house when Hikaru woke in the morning, putting him at ease. The day before had been somewhat of a disaster. Hikaru hadn't expected much different, but nonetheless Pavel's panicked anger had caught him off guard. Turning the fern to even out the sunlight on its leaves, Hikaru murmured a quiet encouragement for it to grow strong.
Walking back to the kitchen he emptied the bottle and placed it on the counter to dry. Stretching his arms he thought about going back to sleep. His night had been restless, filled with uneasy dreams he couldn't quite remember. Leaning against the counter he closed his eyes and turned his neck from side to side, hearing it crack in his ears. He couldn't remember the last time he had really slept.
Opening his eyes he turned his head to focus on Pavel's desk. Smiling to himself he remembered arguments about how cluttered Pavel would leave their shared quarters. It always amazed him how Pavel could work in such a distracting space. He would often wake to find Pavel sitting at the desk with a pencil, biting the end as he scanned through his work. He had asked Pavel once why he liked using such ancient technology. Pavel had looked a Hikaru and with an unreadable smile had said he liked the tactile feeling. Hikaru remembered laughing at that.
Walking to the desk, Hikaru looked at the door before picking up a PADD, afraid Pavel would burst in and begin a fresh round of arguments. Hikaru scanned through the contents. There were reports of the accident that had caused Ensign Reed's death and medical reports of Hikaru's recovery. Frowning, he picked up another PADD finding titles of papers on the functionality of impulse engines during ionic storm disruptions. Grabbing handfuls of papers, Hikaru found calculations in Pavel's scrawl that worked through reinforcing the shields on the Galileo, the shuttlecraft he had piloted during the mission. Hikaru found papers in Pavel's perfect controlled script but became quickly alarmed as he worked his way through the mess. Cyrillic letters were written in margins where calculations had been scratched out so forcefully the paper was torn, some papers had snippets of self defeating comments, others unaddressed half written letters of apology.
The door opening drew Hikaru's attention away from the papers. Pavel appeared from behind it, his hair drenched with sweat, his cheeks red and chest heaving from exertion. Pulling off his shoes and jacket, he grabbed the towel he had left at the entrance and wiped his face and hair roughly. Scanning the room his eyes drew to where Hikaru stood, a look of fear on his face.
"What are you doing?" Pavel said flatly, staring at Hikaru's hands.
Hikaru grasped the papers and PADD more tightly. "What is all this?" He said, a note of what seemed liked sympathy in his voice.
Pavel sighed, too tired from the night before to come up with anything more than the truth. "You know what it is." He looked at the towel in his hand before throwing it over the back of the couch. "Why ask?"
Walking over and standing next to Hikaru, he took the papers and PADD from his hand and placed them back on the pile. Sifting through another set of papers, Pavel pulled out a small yellowing notebook. Hikaru watched curiously as Pavel thumbed through a few pages before handing it to him. Walking back to the couch, Pavel flung himself carelessly on it.
"The ionic storm that made it impossible to beam anyone down to the planet had a curious electrical signature." Pavel took the towel again as he slumped lower on the couch, draping it over his shoulders. "I had thought the calculations I had worked through would compensate and ensure that there would be minimal damage to the engines of the shuttle. It would be a rough job piloting through the storm, but not unmanageable for someone - " Pavel paused, taking the edge of the towel he rubbed it over his eyes. "For you."
Hikaru shoved a thumb in the page Pavel had offered him and approached Pavel quietly, taking a seat opposite the couch. Opening the book again, he scanned the pages quickly. Pavel continued.
"The electrical signature was more complicated than I first understood it to be." Pavel said, Hikaru hearing a familiar tone is his voice, the one he would get when he worked through a particularly challenging problem. " The radiation from the rings of Xelosian fluctuated the patterns in the electrical signature making the ionic storm's effects on the engines unpredictable." Hikaru flipped through the pages of the book, astonished at the intricacies of the calculations. "I had not thought the radiation from the rings would have such a drastic effect." Pavel fidgeted, standing suddenly, making his way behind Hikaru to peer over his shoulder.
Turning a few pages in the notebook, Pavel leaned closer, Hikaru's face growing warm with the close contact. "See here," Hikaru could feel Pavel's breath against his ear. "If I had made this recursive," Pavel pointed to a particularly complex algorithmic function, "Then the shields may have been able to withstand the radiation." Pavel turned his head to Hikaru. This was the Pavel Hikaru remembered. Pavel, who worked through a puzzle with such focus and drive that he would draw everyone to him. This Pavel was infectious and Hikaru was happy to be infected.
A blush appeared on Pavel's face as he stared into Hikaru's unwavering eyes. "It's too late but I can work through this, I know it. I just need a little more time." Pavel mumbled something to himself, moving away from Hikaru and walking over to his desk, pushing over piles of papers as if looking for something, the towel from his shoulders sliding to the floor.
Hikaru watched him stunned. "How long?"
"Hmmm?" Pavel said, his back to Hikaru as he picked up a PADD.
"How long have you been working on this?" Hikaru said, clearing his throat.
Pavel turned to Hikaru, a distant look on his face. "I do not - " Pavel stumbled, knowing the absurdity of his words. "A while." He whispered, his hands dropping to his side, a frown appearing on his face.
Hikaru stood and walked to where Pavel was standing. Grabbing the PADD from Pavel's hand, he dropped it back on the desk, along with the notebook. "Pavel," He said, looking at the desk. "It wasn't your fault."
Pavel scoffed. "You are impossible. I knew this is what you would do." Pavel grabbed a handful of papers and flung them angrily on the desk, some falling to the floor. "Look. Here is proof that it is my fault." Pavel spat, "Do not try to tell me. I already know what is true."
Hikaru frowned. "No one could have predicted what would happen."
"Stop it!" Pavel shouted. "You do not get to forgive me."
"There is nothing to forgive!" Hikaru shouted back, tossing the book to the floor.
"No! I have failed so many times." Pavel shook his head. "I lost her -" Hikaru didn't have to ask whom Pavel was referring to. He remembered after losing Spock's mother how he found Pavel sitting in his darkened quarters, broken furniture surrounding him. "Ensign Reed and you. YOU, Hikar-" Pavel stuttered, pointing forcefully at Hikaru, as if his point could be made through this action. "You do not get to forgive that."
"It isn't something that I need to forgive. This-" He said quietly, pointing to the desk, "This is killing you." Pavel closed his eyes tightly as Hikaru held his arms. "You need to let this go."
"I do not think I can." Pavel said, turning out of Hikaru's arms he bent to pick up the discarded towel from the floor. Wrapping it back around his shoulders, he walked past Hikaru toward his room. "I do not know how." Hikaru heard him faintly say as the door closed behind him.
Part 5