Fanworksathon Fic: The Ashes Left Behind
Title: The Ashes Left Behind
Author: iris_imer
Pairings: Sulu/Chekov
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 16, 200
Summary: This was written for the Fanworksathon prompt:
5-7 years ago, something went horribly awry on a mission. Chekov blamed himself ~ he already had huge un-dealt-with guilt re: what happened with Spock's mom, and this was devastating for him (though ultimately it wasn't actually his fault!), so he resigned from Starfleet.
Sulu has just made Captain but he's not sure he wants to accept the commission. At the end of his current mission and before he's made his decision, he decides to do some soul searching and ends up at Chekov's residence in Russia.
Chekov is a bitter, cynical wreck. Sulu is soft with him at first, but ends up getting really frustrated and angry, and yet can't let him go. They've both been in a lot of pain without each other, and they attempt to repel each other out of resentment and yet keep reeling each other back in during this week or so that Sulu is allowed to haunt Chekov's unrealized life.
H-happy ending please. ;__;
How long had it been? He had stopped counting after 4 days. Or was it 6? His head felt heavy. The electrical storm had finally passed but the equipment from the shuttle wreckage was useless. He couldn't find the Enterprise. He would wait. They would find him.
He had taken Ensign Reed's body out of the remnants of the shuttle and, using small rocks from the terrain, had buried him beneath them. When the Enterprise found him he knew Reed's body would be brought back to the ship but it had seemed the right thing to do. He needed to honour his shipmate in someway that was personal and would only belong to them. It had seemed right at the time.
Hikaru had begun to lose consciousness more often within the past day. When carrying Reed out from the shuttle he had passed out in the hot sun, dropping the heavy body next to him. When he woke the storm's winds swept up dirt into the air making it impossible to see. Pulling Reed behind a boulder, he huddled for hours until the storm passed. It felt like blood was pounding between his ears. When he covered them with his hands to counter balance the pressure, his hands came back wet - black red.
When scouting on the first day - or was it the second - he had found a cave with a small pool of water that must have collected from the storms that stranded him there. He knew it was dangerous to drink without the proper sterilization equipment, but the dry heat combined with the fever that had begun to takeover his body pushed past his better sense. Cupping his hands in the water he brought them to his mouth. The feeling of the water traveling down his throat was beyond words. Relieved, he wept.
It was on the 4th day - actually, no, it was the 6th - he had stopped being able to use his legs. Numbness had slowly spread from his thighs to his toes and although he could sense them and feel a pinch or a scratch against his skin, he couldn't lift them. Concentrating he put all his efforts into wiggling his toes. They remained lifeless, pointing upward toward the sky.
He was losing time but he was fine with that. In the moments he did have he relived all of his most important firsts. The first time Pavel, after a brawl that had broken out between them and three upper classmen in the Starfleet dorms over a game of cards, had called Hikaru his friend. It had been a tender moment made completely absurd by the cold bottle of beer he held to his swollen sincere eye. The first time Pavel had tried to care for his Curtalian Moss flower while he was on an away mission. The flower, sensing his unease at caring for such a delicate plant, had shriveled to half of its usual size. This happened half a dozen more times. Pavel didn't have a green thumb but he did have stubborn persistence, a quality Hikaru fondly admired every time he secretly replaced the flower. The first time he had kissed Pavel. Pavel had drunk too much during a diplomatic gathering and, in his over exuberance, had launched himself at Hikaru. The kiss was too hard. Too wet. There was too much tongue and the force of Pavel's teeth had left Hikaru with a fat lip. It was horrible and perfect. The first time Pavel, while trembling beneath him, had admitted he loved him, something Hikaru had already know for months and was only waiting for him to finally realize it himself.
He was fine with losing time, as long as he didn't lose any of those times with him.
The 7th day - 8th day - maybe the 5th - he heard something like footsteps outside of shuttle where he remained huddled and unmoving on what use to be the floor. It must be time for him to die. No one was there. How could they be? He closed his eyes and remembered the time he asked Pavel to live with him. The uncertainty that passed over his face. It had taken some time to convince him and he asked three more times before Pavel had said, "I will live with you. I will be yours but it will be forever Hikaru." This was his first forever. Death would be his second. More footsteps.
Hikaru's dry lips cracked as he smiled.
~~~
Taking a sip of tea, Hikaru surveyed the landscape outside the kitchen window. The snow had stopped although the disaster it had left behind was apparent. There was a blanket of white as far as he could see and although the sight was beautiful, the snow flashing like crystals in the sunlight, Hikaru could tell the untouched drifts had hidden depth. Blowing over the top of his cup, the steam from his tea fogged the window and melted the frost on the glass. Hikaru sighed. I'm stuck here aren't I?
The night before hadn’t been easy. Pavel had shown him to his room and promptly excused himself for the night, claiming he was feeling unwell. Hikaru could sympathize.
The front door opened and slid shut, the force of the wind creating a draft of cold air that made Hikaru shiver. Pavel stamped his feet on the mat and brushed his mittened hands over the front of his thermal pants. Pavel wasn't a short man but the snow was deep enough to reach over his knees and part way up his thighs. Removing his gloves and tossing them on the floor, Pavel pulled the hood from his head, craining his neck around the corner as if looking for Hikaru.
"The storm was a strong one last night. I think it best to stay put for a few days." Pavel said as he bent to unclasp his boots, shucking them in the same pile as his mittens. Pulling off his jacket, Pavel turned to hang it on a hook next to the door. His back was drenched with what Hikaru knew to be sweat from trudging through the snow, the shirt clung to the muscles of his shoulders. Hikaru averted his eyes and clutched his cup more tightly.
"I'm sorry to have put you out like this. I don't want to be any further of an inconvenience." Hikaru stopped, watching Pavel as he entered the kitchen and stood across from him, his arms crossing in front of his chest. Leaning against the counter, Pavel looked at Hikaru for a moment, his face flush from the cold.
"I cannot send you out there today. You will stay." Pavel turned to the replicator, silent for a moment. Hot chocolate, Hikaru thought to himself.
"Hot chocolate." Pavel said, grabbing the cup that materialized, turning back to Hikaru. "What?" He asked tentatively, finding a smirk on Hikaru's face.
"Uh - Nothing." Hikaru smiled more widely. "Nothing at all."
The rest of the day was spent quietly, each in their own corner of the living room. Pavel worked solidly at his desk for what seemed like hours, before absentmindedly getting up for a glass of water, a PADD still in his hand as he collected it. Coming back to his desk, he sat without so much as a brief glance toward Hikaru. Hikaru began wondering if Pavel even remembered he was there when he turned in his chair and looked fixedly at him.
"I find you very distracting." His accent thickening on "very".
Hikaru looked at him stunned. "I - I thought I was being quiet."
"It is quiet but I can feel you sitting there. It is hard to work like this."
When they had lived together on the Enterprise Pavel had worked for hours on end with a determined concentration that had always surprised Hikaru. He had watered his plants, created vids to send to his family, played music which he would sing to, but never had Pavel told him that he was a distraction no matter how distracting he tried to make himself.
"Do you want me to go to the other room?" He said uncertainly.
Pavel sighed, rubbing a hand over his eyes. "It will not help me."
Hikaru watched as Pavel shifted in his chair, unsure how to proceed. "I'm sorry."
"That does not help either." Pavel sighed harshly, turning back to his work.
Hikaru bit his tongue, refusing to rise to it. "Perhaps I can help you with your work. That way I would be less of a - " Hikaru paused, trying to chose his words well, "-problem."
Hikaru dropped his PADD on the couch before standing up and walking toward Pavel. "What are you working on?"
"You cannot help me." Pavel's head lowered closer to his work.
"Well, I know I'm not as brilliant as you when it comes to theoretical astrophysics but I'm not totally hopeless." Hikaru said lightly. "Or are you working on something for work." Hikaru joked with a tentative smile, "You know, your eyes only?"
Pavel snorted. "Yes, that is it. There is very important work and secretive experiment being performed at the Mullova Factory."
Mullova Factory?
"Isn't the Mullova Factory responsible for producing nacelles for Galaxy class starships?" Hikaru questioned.
Pavel turned swiftly in his chair, his face a mask of annoyance. "Yes, that is right. Did you not know? You are speaking to the best worker there. You must be impressed." Pavel laughed harshly, his eyes flashing over Hikaru's face as if daring him to take the next inevitable step.
Hikaru remained silent for a moment, shifting uncomfortably under Pavel's gaze. Fuck it! "But why would you work there? You could do anything. You could have made it through the ranks-"
Pavel stood form his chair, his hands clenched at his side like a child preparing for a tantrum. His face remained cold. "There are more important things than Starfleet."
"You wanted to be there! You can't tell me that you're happy now." Hikaru blurted out quickly. He had decided to take on this conversation. He was going to say exactly what he wanted to, Pavel's bruised ego be damned.
"There it is!" Pavel spat harshly, pointing at Hikaru as if to drill the point into him. "The arrogance of a Starfleet officer!" Hikaru could tell he was working up for a real fight as a flush crossed over Pavel's face making its way to his ears. One of the worst fights they had was when Hikaru had mentioned, in passing, that he could predict the intensity of their arguments by the rising red shade of Pavel's ears.
He slept in the Botany Lab that night.
"Would you just stop for a minute!" Hikaru put his hands up in front of him in a sign of surrender. "I just want to know- "
"It is not your business what I do or why I do it." Pavel said quietly, sitting forcefully back in his chair. Turning to his work he rustled some sheets of paper, tearing a few in his carelessness.
Hikaru watched as Pavel rustled through his work aimlessly.
"I guess you're right." Hikaru began softly. "It isn't my business. Not anymore at least." Walking back to the couch, Hikaru sat on the edge, his body twisted toward Pavel. "What is it that you're working on if it isn't related to your career choice then?" The last words coming out a little more harshly than he had wanted.
Pavel shot out of his chair again, sending it flying backwards to the floor. Striding over to Hikaru, his hands gesturing wildly. "Yes, it is sad right? All my wasted gifts!"
Pavel's chest rose and fell quickly. "I could have been anything but instead I chose to be nothing. I chose this, this is what I am, this is what I deserve and you do not get to question that! You of all people!"
Storming from the room, Hikaru heard the door of Pavel’s bedroom slam. Slumping into the couch, Hikaru closed his eyes and waited.
Part 4