Fanworksathon Fic: The Ashes Left Behind
Title: The Ashes Left Behind
Author: iris_imer
Pairings: Sulu/Chekov
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 16, 200
Summary: This was written for the Fanworksathon prompt:
5-7 years ago, something went horribly awry on a mission. Chekov blamed himself ~ he already had huge un-dealt-with guilt re: what happened with Spock's mom, and this was devastating for him (though ultimately it wasn't actually his fault!), so he resigned from Starfleet.
Sulu has just made Captain but he's not sure he wants to accept the commission. At the end of his current mission and before he's made his decision, he decides to do some soul searching and ends up at Chekov's residence in Russia.
Chekov is a bitter, cynical wreck. Sulu is soft with him at first, but ends up getting really frustrated and angry, and yet can't let him go. They've both been in a lot of pain without each other, and they attempt to repel each other out of resentment and yet keep reeling each other back in during this week or so that Sulu is allowed to haunt Chekov's unrealized life.
H-happy ending please. ;__;
He woke to what seemed like a bright light shining in his eyes. Moaning he turned his head to the side.
"McCoy to Kirk, he's awake." Hikaru tried to make sense of the words but let it go quickly as warm hands pressed to his forehead, a comforting touch he hadn’t felt since his childhood when his mother would check for fever.
An eternity seemed to pass in those comforting hands when something moved next to him and blinking Hikaru looked to his side to see Kirk walk in, a look of concern on his face. Trying to smile, Hikaru made to speak.
“Hikaru,” Kirk said, stopping him. “You were on Xelosian for over a week without clean water or any real food. Don’t speak.”
Hikaru shook his head and grabbing Kirk’s arm asked, “Where is -?” He found he didn’t need the command not speak. He couldn’t speak. Talking was making his head spin.
McCoy stood beside Kirk. “Don't worry about that right now -“
The air leaving his lungs felt like razor blades sliding against his throat. “I need-”
McCoy shook his head. Exchanging a meaningful look with Kirk, he explained calmly, “Hikaru, listen to me. You've been in a coma for 2 weeks -“
Panic began to pool in Hikaru’s stomach. “Where?”
Kirk sighed. “Pavel resigned his commission. He left for earth a few days ago.”
"Jim, now isn't them time-" McCoy turned to Kirk, a dangerous look on his face but Hikaru has stopped listening. Their argument sounding like a faint buzzing as blood began to pound in his ears. His breathing was coming hard and fast.
Someone was talking, Hikaru couldn’t tell who. “I tried to talk him out of it but you know him. Once he has something in his head -“
A dry cough pushed itself outside of Hikaru’s lungs, the sound rasping. He felt like he was choking.
"Dammit Jim! He isn’t ready.
Hikaru tried to push his name out. If only he could say his name he would come, he knew it. P… Pa… P. Tears slid down his face, or maybe it was blood. He was on the planet. He had to be. It was forever. Pavel said, it was forever.
A hard shudder passed through his body that wouldn’t stop and then it was more than a shudder. His body felt like it was tearing itself apart. Later McCoy would explain that he had a seizure from too much blood collecting around his brain but Hikaru knew the truth.
Pavel was gone and he had taken pieces of Hikaru with him.
~~~~
Waking up early, Hikaru had washed and dressed quickly. Quietly walking down the hall past Pavel's room, he made his way to the kitchen, determined to start the morning off right for once.
He would have preferred to make things from scratch, using fresh foods from a local market, but the weather continued to be too threatening for such a walk. Washing his hands, Hikaru looked at the replicator warily.
“Ok, I don’t like you and you don’t like me but we are going to work together and make something delicious even if I have to rewire you myself.” Hikaru bit his bottom lip. I’m talking to a replicator. If he had to account for this kind of silly madness, he knew who to blame. With a small smile, he set to work.
“What is this?”
Hikaru jumped, surprised. God I wish he would stop that. Pavel looked at the table, a soft expression on his face. “I thought we could start the day with breakfast together.”
Pavel pressed his fingertips to the table and drew them along the cloth. Walking to the opposite side, he drew the chair out and sat quickly. “That - that sounds nice."
“I wasn't sure what to make.” Hikaru cringed at his lie. Hikaru had worked for the better part of an hour, testing each item that materialized from the replicator and rejecting more than he accepted. He had always had a somewhat strenuous relationship with technologies dealing with food. The foods would always taste flat to him and this very fact grew his interest in botany. But this time it was less about his need for richness in the flavour of his food but his need to replicate a moment in time between Pavel and him. He needed the right taste of lemon, the exact sweetness of honey.
It was a poor lie because everything he had done that morning was rooted in his deep intention to bring Pavel closer to him.
“We had this on our first shore leave together.” Pavel said shyly. He picked up his fork and cut a piece of the crepe. “We ate it in bed - it was a mess.”
Hikaru laughed, "Yeah, but only after you gave up on using a fork and knife." He smiled remembering how he had licked the remnants of the crepe off of Pavel's fingers before slowly making love to him.
Pavel blushed, clearly remembering the moment. He dipped his finger into the ricotta and brought it to his mouth. "It's wonderful." Looking to Hikaru, his eyes softened. "Thank you."
Hikaru swallowed hard, his own cheeks now burning. "You're welcome."
They ate silently. Hikaru slowly, savoring the moment with Pavel more than the food. Pavel quickly, his eyes darting from his plate to the window.
"Do you want mine?" Hikaru said, noticing the empty plate in front of Pavel and fearing he would leave if not plied with more food.
"No, I am full." Pavel said, rising from the table and moving toward the door. Sighing unhappily, Hikaru placed his elbows on the table and covered his hands with his eyes. He had felt there was a moment where he and Pavel could have -
"Are you not well?" Pavel said, sliding back in his seat, a cup of water in his hand.
Hikaru dropped his hands quickly, a look of happy surprise on his face. Always a fucking surprise with him. "No, I'm -" He paused, smiling widely at a blushing Pavel. "I'm great."
Talking didn't come easy. At first they sat on the couch and watched the sun creep across the floor silently. An hour had passed and nothing had been said between them. Then Hikaru turned to Pavel and pressing his back to the arm of the couch, he folded his legs in front of him and smiled shyly at Pavel. Pavel turned and, mirroring Hikaru's position, said quietly, "Will you tell me about you?" Looking at Hikaru, he rubbed his hands together, "I would like to know you now."
They talked. Sometimes quietly as if they were passing secrets between each other. Other times excitedly as they realized how little things had changed between them. Hikaru laughed loudly when Pavel explained his heated communication between a astrophysicist who, as Pavel said, got everything completely wrong and should be fired. Pavel watched Hikaru with large frightened eyes when he talked in quiet tones about his near death when a group of Klingons boarded his shuttlecraft during a mission. Hikaru tried to memorize each inflection, each gesture but soon found it wasn’t necessary. When Pavel had opened the door to him, Hikaru new that the man standing there wasn’t his Pavel. But this, this Pavel. This one was his and he didn’t need to know him as he was now because he had already committed this one to memory.
And then the ease of it all stopped as a sound broke the air.
“Oh," Hikaru said, turning his head toward his PADD lying on the table behind him. "I better get that."
Hikaru stood up quickly, a thin wave of anger running through. Great fucking timing! Picking up his PADD he recognized the transmission immediately. Dammit.
"I should take this - " Hikaru said looking at Pavel briefly before entering the kitchen. Raising the PADD, Hikaru tried to mask the frustrated look on his face.
"Hikaru, I was hoping for an update on your decision." Admiral Martin said, too loudly for Hikaru's tastes. His face bright but demanding.
"I thought I had as much time as I needed." Hikaru gripped the PADD tightly.
"You do, of course you do. I was just hoping you would have some good news early. The ship was made for you Hikaru, or maybe I should say Captain. You need to get use to hearing that." Admiral Martin chuckled, his certainty of Hikaru's decision annoying him.
"I will contact you as soon as a decision has been made. Thank you Admiral." Hikaru closed the transmission without waiting for reply.
It was poor form to dismiss the Admiral so easily but he was in no mood to draw out the conversation any further. Resting against the counter, Hikaru breathed deeply. In truth he hadn’t considered the commission since his arrival, his mind focused solely on - what? Coming to terms with his past? Building a new friendship with Pavel? Taking up where they had left off? Hikaru’s heart tightened. Shaking his head he returned to the other room, hoping to continue where he and Pavel had left off.
Pavel had moved away from the couch and was looking out the window, his arms crossed and back tight.
“Sorry about that.”
"I must look so pathetic to you." Pavel whispered, his breath fogging the window in front of him.
"What?" Stunned, Hikaru walked over to Pavel and placed a hand on his shoulder. Pavel shrugged it off, whirling around quickly to face him.
"Why are you really here?" Pavel yelled, his face flushed. "Did you want to show me how well you are doing, keptin? “ The last word coming out with a harsh inflection. "You want to show me what I lost when I left Starfleet?"
Hikaru's mouthed opened to object but the accusations kept flying. Pavel's eyes darted wildly, his voice lacked conviction.
"You are here to - to try and save me?"
"Pavel stop! Listen to yourself for a minute." Hikaru said, moving to take Pavel by the shoulders. Pavel moved away quickly, his eyes glassy.
"You do this!" Pavel clenched his fists, and looked a Hikaru, his face a mask of hurt. "You make things better for me and then you just - you just leave me?" Pavel finished, his hand flying to his open mouth, his eyes wide. The argument was confused, panicked and completely without the fire behind it that had accompanied every other argument they had this week. But this, the moment of silence where Hikaru stared at Pavel and knew that he had given away more than he wanted, this moment was real.
"If I recall, I wasn't the one who left." Hikaru said tentatively, hoping his words wouldn't stop what had been started here.
"No?" Pavel said questioningly, a look of confusion on his face. Walking to the couch he sat down on it's edge, his elbows on his knees, hands over his eyes.
Hikaru frowned, trying to take in everything that Pavel had just unloaded. His head spun with the effort.
"When will you be leaving?" Pavel dropped his hands from his face and rested back on the couch. His hands limp next to his legs.
Hikaru sighed and scratched the back of his head, unhappy with Pavel's quick retreat but not ready to push him further. "Tomorrow. I'm expected to make my decision when I've returned to Head Quarters." Walking to the couch, Hikaru sat gingerly next to Pavel, their legs barely touching.
"This is good thing. You have always wanted - " Pavel mumbled, letting the rest go unsaid as he sank further into the couch, his leg pressed tightly against Hikaru's. They sat in silence for some time, Hikaru's stomach fluttering as Pavel's hand settled against his own.
They had gone to bed early that night. The conversation from the afternoon having died out after Admiral Martin’s call. Hikaru thought he could kill the man.
The air was warm and thick in the room and Hikaru tossed in bed until he couldn't take it anymore. It was more than his mind that wouldn't let him rest, his body felt awake like he had electricity running through his limbs. His fingers seemed to tingle and when he touched anything. He felt too much. His covers were too soft, the glass of water next to his bed too cool. Everything coursed with more energy than he had ever felt, making it impossible to relax.
Sitting up in bed, Hikaru rustled through his bag for his PADD. Finding it, he scanned the messages he had been ignoring for the past few days. He already knew what to expect. His time was up. Throwing the PADD aside, he pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his arms on top of them.
The wind was whistling outside of his window but he couldn't tell if more snow was pouring down or if they finally had total reprieve from the storm. The rest of the house was impossibly quiet except for the soft creaking of the floor settling. Pulling the covers back, Hikaru stood. Grabbing a glass he had left next to his bed he left his room to find a strong drink. Perhaps that would let his mind rest.
Creeping down the hallway, he peered into the partially open door to Pavel's room, hoping to see his sleeping form. The stifling heat hit Hikaru in the face as he searched the room for Pavel, his eyes adjusting slowly. The room was small with only a bed and some books stacked on the floor. Pavel lay sprawled across the bed, his chest rising and falling quickly, soft moans escaping his lips. Suddenly his body turned toward the door making Hikaru jumped back quickly. Listening to his own breathe for a moment, Hikaru waited to hear the inevitable rush of angry words and the slamming of the door in his face. When no sound came from the room, he poked his head back in. Pavel was asleep but his body was thrashing around, the covers twisting around his body. His lips plump and his face flushed.
"Chekov?" Hikaru said, knocking at the door. A muffled groan was the only reply. Knocking louder, Hikaru pushed the door open. "Chekov, are you alright?"
"No-" Chekov moaned, his brow knit together, the blankets wrapped around his body tightly.
Hikaru walked to the side of the bed, kneeling on the floor he took Pavel by the shoulder and shook lightly. "Chekov, you're having a bad dream."
"God, no," Chekov mumbled.
Hikaru reached his hand up from Pavel's shoulder, stroking his hair, wishing he could feel the curls he remembered so clearly from before. "Everything is fine Cheko- Pavel." A moment passed where the air was filled only with the sound of Pavel's soft groans and the whistling wind.
This is a bad idea.
Hikaru held his breath as be climbed onto the bed. Positioning himself just at the edge, he raised his shaking hand to stroke Pavel's cheek. "It's just a dream."
"No, no." Pavel mumbled, unconsciously leaning into Hikaru's hand.
Hikaru's thumb rubbed gently under Pavel's eye, slipping in the heated moisture. God, what am I doing? Shifting closer, Hikaru breathed deeply, trembling as his body naturally remembered how to curve into and around Pavel's body. His muscles were betraying his head.
"Yes, Ensign Reed died but it wasn't your fault." He sad softly, his lips hovering over Pavel's forehead, "You have to stop doing this -"
"No! Hikaru!" Pavel eyes opened, his body shooting up, hands grabbing the sheets tightly.
Hikaru had one foot on the ground, one on the bed as if ready to leave or resume the position he had just left. Looking at Pavel warily, Hikaru made to speak.
"You died." Pavel said brokenly, staring wide-eyed at Hikaru. Hikaru frowned, thinking Pavel was still asleep but before he could speak there was a soft rustle of sheets and the creak of the bed dipping
"Unf -" Hikaru said, the wind rushing out of his lungs as he landed on the floor, his head hitting the wall. Shaking his head to clear his eyes, he looked down to find Pavel clinging to his chest, his hands fisting his shirt and his body trembling uncontrollably. There was a soft intake of breath, Hikaru wasn't certain whether it was Pavel's or his own, as he ran his fingers over the back of Pavel's head. A soft cry escaped Pavel as he curled into Hikaru even more. Hikaru was afraid to speak fearing that the moment would be broken and Pavel would return to the man he saw at the door - all fight. Leaning his head down, Hikaru breathed in Pavel's scent, praying to himself. Oh, please, please.
"I killed you." Pavel whispered, his voice cracking. Pavel whispered something in Russian before a sob escaped his lips and his shoulders began shaking with his cries. "You died and I killed you." Pavel pulled harder at Hikaru's shirt as if trying to bury himself in his chest. Hikaru wanted him to, he wanted Pavel to claw his way inside him so he would never be without him again. Hikaru wrapped his arms tightly around Pavel's frail body, gathering him as close as possible. He wanted Pavel to become his blood, the heat that would drive the rest of his body. He had been failing for over six years.
"I failed - " Pavel said, choking back another sob. "I was wrong - " Hikaru wanted to speak. He wanted to say all the right words, anything and everything that would keep Pavel right there with him but the feel of Pavel against his chest, his tears soaking his shirt, the weight of his body between his thighs was too much.
Pavel's cries suddenly stopped, he looked into Hikaru's eyes briefly before rubbing his face. Pushing Hikaru away from him, Pavel whispered brokenly, "No, you can not be here."
"Pavel, what are you - " Hikaru began, reaching for Pavel's arm, desperately wanting to pull him back into his arms. Pavel shook his head, shifting further away from Hikaru.
"No, you need to leave." Pavel said, his voice becoming steely even as tears continued to fall on his cheeks. Standing up, Pavel walked sluggishly to the far side of the bedroom, resting his hand against the window frame, his back to Hikaru.
Hikaru didn't move. Sitting on the floor he peered at Pavel who looked out the window. The light from the moon cast Pavel in a soft yellow light, the angles of his chest and hips visible through his thin clothes. "You will leave now." He said without so much as a backward glance toward Hikaru.
Hikaru swallowed, trying to find his voice. "No." Hikaru whispered.
"I said leave."
"No. You need to explain- "
"I do not have to explain anything Sulu, this is my room, my house - "
Hearing the formality of his last name broke Hikaru's last reserve. Closing the distance between them, Hikaru stopped behind him, so close his chest almost touched Pavel's back. "I deserve a fucking explanation, Pavel." Hikaru growled, "You said-"
Pavel looked into Hikaru's eyes through the window glass, his lips trembled. "I did not ask for you to come here." He whispered. "I did not invite you." He stated, each word coming from him sounding more resolved, his lips ceasing their trembling and settling into a grim line across his face. "I do not have to explain." His eyes becoming distant.
"Are you serious? You fucking owe me Pavel!" Hikaru shouted, pointing an accusing finger at him. "You left - You left without so much as a word." Hikaru moved closer, he could see Pavel’s face in the reflection of the window.
"I tried for years - " Hikaru continued, his voice breaking. "And nothing from you!" Pavel's shoulders slumped, his eyes filling with fresh tears. "You - " A frustrated sound erupted from Hikaru, his anger feeling bigger than any words he could put together. Pavel's mouth hung open, his hands grasped uselessly at his side, the effect making him look smaller, more like the boy Hikaru had loved so many years ago. "You- " Hikaru growled as he grabbed him by the arms, turning Pavel to face him. "Dammit-" He spat as his mouth crashed against Pavel's own. Pavel let out a small sound as Hikaru's mouth pressed against his lips. Winding his arms around Hikaru's waist, Pavel's lips opened to the insistence of Hikaru's tongue. Hikaru felt different than Pavel remembered, the desperation in his kiss making him light headed.
"Hikaru" Pavel gasped, pulling away for a moment to breathe, his head resting against Hikaru's chest. Hikaru moaned, his mouth exploring Pavel's neck. "Baby - " Hikaru whispered, his hands gripping Pavel's arms tightly enough to leave bruises.
Pavel stilled in Hikaru's arms, the sound of "Baby" bringing him back to a moment when that was whispered in his ear over and over until he came. Hikaru reached to trace the hallow of his cheek, turning Pavel’s face to his own, Hikaru’s eyes questioning. Pavel shook his head, his face unreadable as he twisted out of Hikaru's grasp. Taking a step back, Pavel looked at Hikaru sadly. "Get out!" He said, rubbing his arms as if Hikaru's touch had burned him.
Hikaru looked at Pavel, "What - "
Pavel closed his eyes, trying to erase the image of Hikaru in front of him. His hands reached toward Hikaru again but instead of drawing him in, Pavel pushed against Hikaru's chest weakly. "Get out!" He said, his eyes firmly resting on the place he had touched. "Please-" Hikaru stuttered, too shocked to respond with the anger that had started all of it. Pavel pushed again, harder this time. Hikaru stumbled. "Get out now!" He yelled, his voice rising to a panicked level.
The door shut on Hikaru. Pressing his hands against the cool metal, Hikaru's harsh breathing echoed back into his ears. Leaning his forehead against the door, a choked sound passed through his parted lips. "Fuck."
Part 6