I'm a fucking retard.
Mom asks me.
: jacob will you be buying the house?
I say.
Mother, I might not even be in the state.
She says okay. Give me a decision soon.
I say, that's fucking impossible I can't foresee the future.
I miss Tory Louthen. God. FUCKING. DAMNIT. I keep having dreams and nightmare with her in them. She wont get out of my head. That little smile and the way she would look up at me. Fuck. I'm god damn ice. Melting all over the place. I'm going to a party tomorrow night to get trashed. It's an all girl party. They looked at me and they say; "jacob you're fine to get wasted with us". They Pause. "Because we know you're not out for ass. We don't know why we know, but we do! You really like spending time with us!".
And they're right. I do fucking love spending time with them. Due to my ill persuit of sex i'm looking more like an alcoholic. I've lost 15-20 pounds. That's bad. I drank and ate substaintially. That's counter intuitive. I don't feel like i'm ready to open up. You know? Tory fucked me up and seeing her again I would probably have an issue. I just want her to be as far away from me as possible. My heart though it says there is hope, the lying cheating slut of a boss could be redeemable. We know it's incorrect. She's a controlling manipulative bitch. We know better.
A girl at school asked me all these questions about my sexual history. Vday is around the corner. I wont hae sex with you. Those were running through my mind. She grills and prys. Seemingly really interested. Class ends, I pack up, and leave her behind.
Ran into my old ASM out on a date with one of the barista's at my old store. He was "caught red handed" the first words I could see them saying was FUCK! So I played dumb, oh my gosh! I can't believe I ran into you guys! Oh my Old ASM who has a GF and oh! my old co worker who has a husband that's a nice intimate lunch you two are having! oH oh! oH! I laugh I smile, they are uneasy. I let myself out and send him a friendly text. Christ I don't fucking care. I don't fucking care.'
One of my very christainy friends she's a total slut now. Yea basically hoping on anything that's erect. She tells me she has a date and it kept her up all night. Pauses; and says but there's nothign wrong with me dating around! My ex is in love with some girl and having the time of his life! So there's nothing wrong with me doing this!!! and I think to myself.
I'm not her to judge you, you're the one who is lying to yourself. It is not appropriate to you. Just like when I told you how many girls i've fucked you made a note to never have sex with me. You are going down the path and trying to justify it. to who? To me? It's for you hun.
I tell her I love her everyday.
I tell my old drinking buddy that I love her almost everyday. She's pregnant and not having a blast with her boyfriend.
I wonder if I use the words I love you more and more, if those words will develope meaning.
At least it has meaning to other people, even if I lack a meaning of it for myself. That's useful right?
: jacob will you be buying the house?
I say.
Mother, I might not even be in the state.
She says okay. Give me a decision soon.
I say, that's fucking impossible I can't foresee the future.
I miss Tory Louthen. God. FUCKING. DAMNIT. I keep having dreams and nightmare with her in them. She wont get out of my head. That little smile and the way she would look up at me. Fuck. I'm god damn ice. Melting all over the place. I'm going to a party tomorrow night to get trashed. It's an all girl party. They looked at me and they say; "jacob you're fine to get wasted with us". They Pause. "Because we know you're not out for ass. We don't know why we know, but we do! You really like spending time with us!".
And they're right. I do fucking love spending time with them. Due to my ill persuit of sex i'm looking more like an alcoholic. I've lost 15-20 pounds. That's bad. I drank and ate substaintially. That's counter intuitive. I don't feel like i'm ready to open up. You know? Tory fucked me up and seeing her again I would probably have an issue. I just want her to be as far away from me as possible. My heart though it says there is hope, the lying cheating slut of a boss could be redeemable. We know it's incorrect. She's a controlling manipulative bitch. We know better.
A girl at school asked me all these questions about my sexual history. Vday is around the corner. I wont hae sex with you. Those were running through my mind. She grills and prys. Seemingly really interested. Class ends, I pack up, and leave her behind.
Ran into my old ASM out on a date with one of the barista's at my old store. He was "caught red handed" the first words I could see them saying was FUCK! So I played dumb, oh my gosh! I can't believe I ran into you guys! Oh my Old ASM who has a GF and oh! my old co worker who has a husband that's a nice intimate lunch you two are having! oH oh! oH! I laugh I smile, they are uneasy. I let myself out and send him a friendly text. Christ I don't fucking care. I don't fucking care.'
One of my very christainy friends she's a total slut now. Yea basically hoping on anything that's erect. She tells me she has a date and it kept her up all night. Pauses; and says but there's nothign wrong with me dating around! My ex is in love with some girl and having the time of his life! So there's nothing wrong with me doing this!!! and I think to myself.
I'm not her to judge you, you're the one who is lying to yourself. It is not appropriate to you. Just like when I told you how many girls i've fucked you made a note to never have sex with me. You are going down the path and trying to justify it. to who? To me? It's for you hun.
I tell her I love her everyday.
I tell my old drinking buddy that I love her almost everyday. She's pregnant and not having a blast with her boyfriend.
I wonder if I use the words I love you more and more, if those words will develope meaning.
At least it has meaning to other people, even if I lack a meaning of it for myself. That's useful right?