repairing burning bridges (aka 6 things 2pm never told jaebum)
repairing burning bridges (aka 6 things 2pm never told jaebum)
3453 words
So much has changed, so much has shifted off-balance that Wooyoung is afraid that nothing will be the same again.
how bastard!2pm stopped being... bastardy :|
repairing burning bridges (aka 6 things 2pm never told jaebum)
you asked me:
how can you be homesick
for a place
that longer is?
- nostalgia (aaron lee)
1.
"He was the best leader any idol group could ever have," Junsu says one day. They are sitting in their practice room, weary and wrung out from hours and hours of doing the same steps over and over again.
Chansung snorts, setting his bottle of water down on the floor loudly. Junsu flinches a little. "And you decide to say this after he's gone?" Chansung says, rolling his eyes. "Who was the one who refused to speak a word to him or even listen to his apologies? You're such a hypocrite, Kim Junsu."
Junsu flushes, glances away. "I'm sick and tired of you guys," he snaps back, face still red. "At least he had the energy and patience to put up with you guys. Honestly, I have no idea how he did it."
"Let's not talk about him," Taecyeon says, a scowl flitting across his face. "It's annoying enough hearing fans gush over his fucking youtube video, I don't need to get that from you guys too."
Nichkhun is eerily calm, considering how he'd used to bite back against anyone who insulted Jay in front of him. Wooyoung can still remember how Nichkhun had punched Junho the day after Jaebum left, when Junho had said some spiteful things about good riddance, it's not like we ever wanted him here anyway. They'd all stood there in silence, watching as Junho's hand flew to the corner of his mouth, as Nichkhun strode out of the room, as all that was left of them as a group completely disintegrated. But this time Nichkhun is deathly silent, albeit a little pale. Wooyoung wonders if Nichkhun has simply decided to give up, if Nichkhun thinks that there is no more hope for them, insuffering bastards that they are.
Junho laughs a little. His eyes brighten, and he mimes flipping non-existent hair over his shoulder and bats his eyelashes at Taecyeon. "But Jaebum-oppa was the best!" He squeaks in a high-pitched voice that has Chansung doubled over in laughter. "Nobody can replace our oppa! Our oppa must be so hurt that people are thinking like this!"
"Please, Jay isn't a fucking saint," Taecyeon says. He drums his fingers against the ground, a steady beat.
Nichkhun's face is getting ashier by the minute, and his hands are shaking a little. Wooyoung gives him a worried look, and Junho's eyes follow Wooyoung's gaze to see Nichkhun chewing on his lower lip, eyes fixed on a spot on the floor. "What's wrong with you, Nichkhun?" Junho asks snidely, a smirk darting across his face.
For a moment, Wooyoung half-expects Nichkhun to punch Junho again, but instead, he just shakes his head, offers a shaky smile. "Let's get back to practice," Nichkhun says.
2.
"I miss him," Wooyoung says.
Nichkhun's hand jerks, and he ends up spilling his cup of water on the floor. "Shit," he mutters, heading to the kitchen to get a rag. He comes back a while later, avoids Wooyoung's gaze, then starts mopping the water up.
"You're still keeping in touch with him, right?"
Nichkhun straightens, the wet rag in his hands. "Since when have you cared?" Nichkhun wants to know, and a flash of anger sparks in his eyes and works its way down to a frown on his mouth.
It is Wooyoung's turn to dodge Nichkhun's piercing look, and he stares at the ground. There is still a small puddle of water on the floor which Nichkhun must have missed. "I don't know," Wooyoung says finally.
They are the only two awake at this time of the night - morning, really -, and the rest of the apartment is quiet. Chansung is out somewhere with his friends, so there is nobody else in the living room except for Wooyoung and Nichkhun.
"Wooyoungie," Nichkhun says, and Wooyoung glances up, more shocked than surprised. It's been more than three months since Nichkhun has called Wooyoung that, and a lump gathers at the base of Wooyoung's throat. So much has changed, so much has shifted off-balance that Wooyoung is afraid that nothing will be the same again. It was only when Jaebum left that Wooyoung started to realize how their leader had sort of been the glue of their group, that he'd been the one holding them together by pacifying Chansung when he was in one of his moods, by not arguing back to Taecyeon, by laughing off Junho's insensitive and rude comments, by giving Junsu subtle advice so he wouldn't do the wrong thing or feel patronized, by making Nichkhun smile, by keeping Wooyoung's heart whole.
"You can't not know for the rest of your life," Nichkhun is saying, and Wooyoung's heart is being eaten by the raw guilt in his chest. He thinks of that day, when they'd had a vote as to whether Jaebum should be kept in the company, and the look of pure disappointment on Nichkhun's face when Wooyoung had raised up his hand along with the other five. He thinks of two weeks ago, when he'd walked in on Nichkhun speaking to Jaebum over the phone, and how Nichkhun had held out the phone to him and said he wants to talk to you, and Wooyoung had simply turned and walked out of the room. He thinks of yesterday, when he'd laughed along to one of Taecyeon's jokes about how Jaebum was whoring himself out on youtube because no other company wanted him, and how he'd forced himself to look away from Nichkhun.
"I'm sorry," Wooyoung says, and when he blinks, there is moisture in his eyes. His voice is trembling but he doesn't even care anymore, and when he squats down something slips from his eyes and splashes into that puddle of water on the floor. "Fuck, I'm sorry."
And then Nichkhun is there, hovering over him with that familiar look of absolute worry, and when he pats Wooyoung's shoulder comfortingly, Wooyoung feels as if he is coming undone.
3.
"I didn't mean it," Chansung is saying hoarsely. Wooyoung just sits there in silence, watching as the maknae of the group downs yet another mug of beer. "It's just. I don't know, Taec-hyung and Junho were saying so much stuff and I just... believed them."
Wooyoung understands. For once, Chansung doesn't look like the old maknae anymore, he just looks like the youngest of the group, with his runny nose and tear-streaked cheeks. "I know," Wooyoung says. "I know."
Chansung glances up at him. "You don't," he tells Wooyoung matter-of-factly, and reaches for Wooyoung's beer. Wooyoung tugs it away, out of his reach, and after straining a few times Chansung simply gives up, lying with his cheek pressed against the bar counter. "He promised me he'd bring me out to drink when I turned twenty," Chansung says, and he looks so lost and bewildered and miserable that Wooyoung's heart hurts for him, for them, for what they have all become.
"Who gave him permission to just leave like that?" Chansung wants to know, and Wooyoung stops himself from pointing out that he was supposed to come back had they not agreed to the termination of his contract. Even if you disagree, they're not going to let him come back, Taecyeon had told them, then laughed dryly. You mean you actually believed them? Wooyoung had exchanged panicked looks with Chansung, turned to Taecyeon, asked, you mean they were lying to us? You mean they never planned his comeback? And Junho had scoffed, obviously not, we all know they had some personal issue with him, right? Everything was just an excuse to get him out, to make us co-operate with them. He's never going to be able to come back, to 2pm at least.
"He said," Chansung says, hiccups a little. "He said even if we protested, Jaebum-hyung wouldn't be able to come back, and it'd just be bad for our careers as well. And you know I have my family to look out for, I have parents to take care of, and I can't just throw them away like this." His voice softens, and Wooyoung shuts his eyes. He has regretted stepping onto this path too many times to count, back from pre-debut days when he'd tried and tried but couldn't get anything right, and again when Jaebum left, and again when the fans pointed fingers at them, stopped giving them their love, accused them of mistreating Jaebum and Nichkhun, of being uncaring bastards who should kill themselves.
"Do you think he knows?" Chansung asks, voice so tiny Wooyoung barely manages to catch his question.
Wooyoung meets Chansung's gaze. "I think he does," Wooyoung says, because the Jaebum he's always known is strong and forgiving and determined, because the Jaebum he's always known wouldn't give up on them so easily. Because somewhere deep down, he's praying that they aren't the uncaring bastards ex-fans have labeled them as.
4.
"He was a great hyung," Junho says, avoids Wooyoung's knowing gaze. "But that doesn't change anything."
It changes a lot, Wooyoung thinks. You could save Nichkhun a lot of disappointment, you could save Jaebum a lot of hurt, you could save the fans a lot of heartache. But all these he doesn't say, because he knows how Junho is like; the more you push and force him to do something, the more he won't, but if you leave him alone to think it through, he'll probably do it anyway because it's the correct and responsible thing to do.
Junho turns to go, but Wooyoung reaches out and grabs at his wrist, tugging him back. "Junho," Wooyoung says, and he can feel the muscles in Junho's arm tense. "What. Just, I was wondering, what made you do it?"
"What made me do what?" Junho asks, meeting Wooyoung's gaze and holding it. They stare at each other until Wooyoung's eyeballs feel sort of dry, and then Junho breaks it off, looks down to stare at Wooyoung's fingers wrapped around his wrist instead.
Wooyoung doesn't let go. "Stop denying it," Wooyoung says. "I know you used to be mean to Jaebum-hyung back during trainee days, but after debuting you were fine with him. Didn't you tell me that before, too? You said at first you thought he was some dumb yank who thought he was all that, but then after spending some time with him you realized he wasn't, that he was loyal to his friends and didn't hold a grudge against you even though you were so awful, that -"
A look of desperation crosses Junho's face, and he struggles out of Wooyoung's hold, slapping Wooyoung's hand away. "Enough," he says, and his clenched fists are trembling. "You don't know anything, Jang Wooyoung, so stop acting like you do."
"Then tell me!" Wooyoung bursts out, and Junho flinches a little, staring at Wooyoung with wide eyes. "If you think I don't know anything, then tell me what you think I should know, God damn it."
It's been a long time since Wooyoung's exploded like this, and he tries his best to rein his anger in, to keep it under wraps. "I just don't understand you anymore," Wooyoung says finally, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. "So help me understand, Junho."
"You won't get it," Junho says quietly. "You're always under the spotlight, Wooyoung, how would you be able to understand how it feels? You don't know how it feels like when people barely register the fact that you are there, that you exist. You don't know how it feels like when people say they wish they could get to see more of you, when it's not your fault you always get cut out of shows. You don't know how it feels like to win a competition and think you've finally made it, and then hear people saying that you only won because you had plastic surgery to look like someone else."
But Wooyoung knows. He's sort of known from the start, has seen the look on Junho's face when he never gets a chance to speak, but he'd just pushed it out of his mind because he was a little greedy and a little selfish and never stopped to think about how Junho would feel. "I'm sorry," Wooyoung says. He turns away, sliding his eyes shut.
There is such a long period of silence that Wooyoung thinks Junho is gone, but when he opens his eyes, Junho is still there. "You don't know how it feels like," Junho whispers. "To know that you played a part in ruining someone's life, but you cannot stop because you've already started."
And then Junho leaves, Wooyoung staring wide-eyed after him.
5.
"I hate him," Taecyeon says.
You don't honestly mean that, Wooyoung thinks - hopes, actually, because he refuses to believe that Taecyeon never saw Jaebum as a friend, as someone he respects, or even as an equal. He feels like a child whose parents are facing an impending divorce, who still remembers a time when they'd laughed and talked with obvious love in their eyes, who still wishes, as ridiculous as it seems, that they will go back to that period of time again.
Wooyoung still remembers Taecyeon and Jaebum huddled in a corner speaking in voices too soft for anyone to catch, but it didn't matter since the rest of them - except Nichkhun - probably wouldn't have been able to understand anyway. Taecyeon forcing Jaebum to eat Korean food and Jaebum protesting until Taecyeon flung down his spoon and said fuck, Jay I'm doing this for you, if you don't learn to adjust you never will and then you might as well go back to Seattle because you'll just die here, and how Jaebum had quieted, and then slid a forkfull of the food into his mouth. Jaebum calling Taecyeon from Seattle saying I wish I could stay here forever, and Taecyeon responding with I know how you feel, but you have responsibilities here, and Jaebum saying I know, that's why I'm coming back, you idiot.
"Hyung," Wooyoung says. "Is popularity really that important to you?" Because Taecyeon is not like Junho, not dependent on being in the spotlight or receiving love from other people. To be honest, Taecyeon was the last person Wooyoung had expected to turn his back on Jaebum in order to climb higher on the career ladder, to become brighter in the entertainment scene. Wooyoung never found out what made Taecyeon change like that overnight, to turn from a silent supporter of the boycott to the person who'd convinced the rest of them to say you don't want him back, it's what's best for us, and this unanswered question has been taking root in Wooyoung's mind for a long time, and he is determined to wheedle out the answer from Taecyeon today no matter what.
"I know you want to know why," Taecyeon says, and Wooyoung's heart skips a beat. "But Wooyoung, I can't tell you."
"But I'm a member of this group," Wooyoung says, aware of how whiny he sounds, but not even caring anymore. "I have the right to know, don't you think?"
Taecyeon just gives him a look. "I can't tell you," he repeats, and Wooyoung scuffs his shoe against the floor in a silent tantrum.
And then it all just clicks, and Wooyoung stares up at Taecyeon and there is something like panic clawing its way up his throat. "Don't tell me," Wooyoung breathes. "Don't tell me they weren't lying, don't tell me we weren't lying, that he actually really did something?"
Taecyeon is dodging Wooyoung's gaze, and Wooyoung just sinks down to the floor. "Oh God," he says, as his world tilts in the oddest directions possible. "What did he do?"
"I can't tell you," Taecyeon says for the third time, but this time it's a lot more resigned and helpless and heartbreaking. "Fuck, I can't tell you, Wooyoung, he told me not to."
"Please?" Wooyoung pleads, because his heart feels all wrong and his mind is sort of exploding and when he thinks of Jaebum's smile he has the urge to slam his fist against the wall and if there's anything Wooyoung has ever wanted, it is nothing compared to how much he wants to know what Jaebum did. "Fuck, hyung, please, just tell me."
It sounds like Taecyeon's voice is a lot thicker than usual, but Wooyoung cannot tell for certain because his heartbeat is pounding in his ears and his vision is all blurry. "I can't," Taecyeon says again. "I can't, Wooyoung, just let it go, okay?"
"You can."
"But I won't."
"Is it really that bad?" Wooyoung says in a voice barely louder than a whisper. "Is it really impossible to forgive?"
Taecyeon looks as if he's smiling, but then he looks as if he's crying too, and the world is just too ridiculous for Wooyoung to make sense of. "I forgave him," Taecyeon says softly. "God help me, I forgave him, but that doesn't mean I will forget."
Wooyoung doesn't say anything, just lets himself fall apart as Taecyeon sits down beside him. He lays his head on Taecyeon's broad shoulder and listens to Taecyeon breathe, listens to the soundtrack of everything going awfully, awfully wrong. "Pretend this conversation never happened," Taecyeon breathes, and Wooyoung nods, lets himself believe.
6.
"I believe in them," Nichkhun is saying. "They'll figure out the truth for themselves."
The five of them are huddled outside the door to Nichkhun's room. Wooyoung and Junsu get the crack of the door to peer through, and Chansung is lying flat on the ground, pressing his ear against the slit between the door and the floor. Junho and Taecyeon are hovering somewhere further away, pretending not to care, but hiss what's going on now at the rest of them every minute anyway.
"Uh-huh," Nichkhun says into the phone. When he turns towards the door, Wooyoung nearly trips in his desperate effort to hide, but ends up stepping on Chansung's head.
"Ow!" Chansung yelps, then widens his eyes and clamps a hand over his mouth. Junho kicks his shoulder lightly, and Chansung sits up, rubbing his head while Wooyoung mouths sorry to him over and over again.
The door opens, and the five of them smile sheepishly at Nichkhun, whose phone is still pressed against his ear. What the hell is going on, squawks Jaebum, so loudly they can all hear him. Did Chansung slam the door on his own finger again?
"No!" Chansung wails, and Junsu laughs at him while Wooyoung squeezes his cheeks affectionately. "That was only one time, stop bringing it up already!"
"Nothing much," Nichkhun says, smiling. "Just being their usual ridiculous selves." He looks at Taecyeon and Junho, then raises an eyebrow. Junho shrugs, Taecyeon shuffles his feet, and Nichkhun laughs.
Tell them apoeufopawuef, Jaebum is saying, too soft for them to catch. Speaker-phone! Taecyeon mouths, and Nichkhun turns away from him, still smiling as he listens to whatever Jaebum is saying. "Tell me in Korean," Nichkhun says, his lips lifting upwards. "So I don't have to translate for them."
"Nichkhun Horvejkul," Taecyeon says warningly, and Nichkhun swats his arm away. There is a tiny struggle, and then Taecyeon manages to tug the phone out of Nichkhun's hands, pressing the speaker option on Nichkhun's phone with a triumphant grin. Junho gives him a thumbs-up, and Wooyoung presses closer to listen.
"I hope they're doing okay," Jaebum is saying, voice crackling out of the phone. It's a lot more low-quality than Wooyoung would have liked - it's been months since he's heard Jaebum's voice properly -, but beggars can't be choosers, so the six of them huddle around the phone and listen quietly. "And uh, don't let whatever the anti-fans say get them down. God, my Korean's rusty, can I stop already?"
Chansung shakes his head, a panicked spark in his eyes. Nooo, he mouths. But I won't understand!
Nichkhun ruffles Chansung's hair, still smiling. "No," he says. "Go on."
"So uh... tell them to remember to sleep whenever they're supposed to. Especially that Chansung, he goes out with his friends way too often. And Junho and Wooyoung, don't go clubbing so much, and remember to keep up your images in public. Oh, and Junsu, tell him to stop obsessing over his face so much, he's fine."
All eyes dart to Taecyeon then, when Jaebum pauses for what seems like hours. "Taec," Jaebum says finally, voice soft as it filters through the speaker of Nichkhun's phone. "Tell him I'm sorry for everything."
And then Taecyeon is grabbing for the phone and saying something to it in English. Wooyoung doesn't understand much except for idiot and sorry and fuck, but Nichkhun's grin is widening, and Taecyeon is sort of sobbing, and Jaebum sounds really surprised, and Wooyoung guesses that everything is going to be alright.
3453 words
So much has changed, so much has shifted off-balance that Wooyoung is afraid that nothing will be the same again.
how bastard!2pm stopped being... bastardy :|
repairing burning bridges (aka 6 things 2pm never told jaebum)
you asked me:
how can you be homesick
for a place
that longer is?
- nostalgia (aaron lee)
1.
"He was the best leader any idol group could ever have," Junsu says one day. They are sitting in their practice room, weary and wrung out from hours and hours of doing the same steps over and over again.
Chansung snorts, setting his bottle of water down on the floor loudly. Junsu flinches a little. "And you decide to say this after he's gone?" Chansung says, rolling his eyes. "Who was the one who refused to speak a word to him or even listen to his apologies? You're such a hypocrite, Kim Junsu."
Junsu flushes, glances away. "I'm sick and tired of you guys," he snaps back, face still red. "At least he had the energy and patience to put up with you guys. Honestly, I have no idea how he did it."
"Let's not talk about him," Taecyeon says, a scowl flitting across his face. "It's annoying enough hearing fans gush over his fucking youtube video, I don't need to get that from you guys too."
Nichkhun is eerily calm, considering how he'd used to bite back against anyone who insulted Jay in front of him. Wooyoung can still remember how Nichkhun had punched Junho the day after Jaebum left, when Junho had said some spiteful things about good riddance, it's not like we ever wanted him here anyway. They'd all stood there in silence, watching as Junho's hand flew to the corner of his mouth, as Nichkhun strode out of the room, as all that was left of them as a group completely disintegrated. But this time Nichkhun is deathly silent, albeit a little pale. Wooyoung wonders if Nichkhun has simply decided to give up, if Nichkhun thinks that there is no more hope for them, insuffering bastards that they are.
Junho laughs a little. His eyes brighten, and he mimes flipping non-existent hair over his shoulder and bats his eyelashes at Taecyeon. "But Jaebum-oppa was the best!" He squeaks in a high-pitched voice that has Chansung doubled over in laughter. "Nobody can replace our oppa! Our oppa must be so hurt that people are thinking like this!"
"Please, Jay isn't a fucking saint," Taecyeon says. He drums his fingers against the ground, a steady beat.
Nichkhun's face is getting ashier by the minute, and his hands are shaking a little. Wooyoung gives him a worried look, and Junho's eyes follow Wooyoung's gaze to see Nichkhun chewing on his lower lip, eyes fixed on a spot on the floor. "What's wrong with you, Nichkhun?" Junho asks snidely, a smirk darting across his face.
For a moment, Wooyoung half-expects Nichkhun to punch Junho again, but instead, he just shakes his head, offers a shaky smile. "Let's get back to practice," Nichkhun says.
2.
"I miss him," Wooyoung says.
Nichkhun's hand jerks, and he ends up spilling his cup of water on the floor. "Shit," he mutters, heading to the kitchen to get a rag. He comes back a while later, avoids Wooyoung's gaze, then starts mopping the water up.
"You're still keeping in touch with him, right?"
Nichkhun straightens, the wet rag in his hands. "Since when have you cared?" Nichkhun wants to know, and a flash of anger sparks in his eyes and works its way down to a frown on his mouth.
It is Wooyoung's turn to dodge Nichkhun's piercing look, and he stares at the ground. There is still a small puddle of water on the floor which Nichkhun must have missed. "I don't know," Wooyoung says finally.
They are the only two awake at this time of the night - morning, really -, and the rest of the apartment is quiet. Chansung is out somewhere with his friends, so there is nobody else in the living room except for Wooyoung and Nichkhun.
"Wooyoungie," Nichkhun says, and Wooyoung glances up, more shocked than surprised. It's been more than three months since Nichkhun has called Wooyoung that, and a lump gathers at the base of Wooyoung's throat. So much has changed, so much has shifted off-balance that Wooyoung is afraid that nothing will be the same again. It was only when Jaebum left that Wooyoung started to realize how their leader had sort of been the glue of their group, that he'd been the one holding them together by pacifying Chansung when he was in one of his moods, by not arguing back to Taecyeon, by laughing off Junho's insensitive and rude comments, by giving Junsu subtle advice so he wouldn't do the wrong thing or feel patronized, by making Nichkhun smile, by keeping Wooyoung's heart whole.
"You can't not know for the rest of your life," Nichkhun is saying, and Wooyoung's heart is being eaten by the raw guilt in his chest. He thinks of that day, when they'd had a vote as to whether Jaebum should be kept in the company, and the look of pure disappointment on Nichkhun's face when Wooyoung had raised up his hand along with the other five. He thinks of two weeks ago, when he'd walked in on Nichkhun speaking to Jaebum over the phone, and how Nichkhun had held out the phone to him and said he wants to talk to you, and Wooyoung had simply turned and walked out of the room. He thinks of yesterday, when he'd laughed along to one of Taecyeon's jokes about how Jaebum was whoring himself out on youtube because no other company wanted him, and how he'd forced himself to look away from Nichkhun.
"I'm sorry," Wooyoung says, and when he blinks, there is moisture in his eyes. His voice is trembling but he doesn't even care anymore, and when he squats down something slips from his eyes and splashes into that puddle of water on the floor. "Fuck, I'm sorry."
And then Nichkhun is there, hovering over him with that familiar look of absolute worry, and when he pats Wooyoung's shoulder comfortingly, Wooyoung feels as if he is coming undone.
3.
"I didn't mean it," Chansung is saying hoarsely. Wooyoung just sits there in silence, watching as the maknae of the group downs yet another mug of beer. "It's just. I don't know, Taec-hyung and Junho were saying so much stuff and I just... believed them."
Wooyoung understands. For once, Chansung doesn't look like the old maknae anymore, he just looks like the youngest of the group, with his runny nose and tear-streaked cheeks. "I know," Wooyoung says. "I know."
Chansung glances up at him. "You don't," he tells Wooyoung matter-of-factly, and reaches for Wooyoung's beer. Wooyoung tugs it away, out of his reach, and after straining a few times Chansung simply gives up, lying with his cheek pressed against the bar counter. "He promised me he'd bring me out to drink when I turned twenty," Chansung says, and he looks so lost and bewildered and miserable that Wooyoung's heart hurts for him, for them, for what they have all become.
"Who gave him permission to just leave like that?" Chansung wants to know, and Wooyoung stops himself from pointing out that he was supposed to come back had they not agreed to the termination of his contract. Even if you disagree, they're not going to let him come back, Taecyeon had told them, then laughed dryly. You mean you actually believed them? Wooyoung had exchanged panicked looks with Chansung, turned to Taecyeon, asked, you mean they were lying to us? You mean they never planned his comeback? And Junho had scoffed, obviously not, we all know they had some personal issue with him, right? Everything was just an excuse to get him out, to make us co-operate with them. He's never going to be able to come back, to 2pm at least.
"He said," Chansung says, hiccups a little. "He said even if we protested, Jaebum-hyung wouldn't be able to come back, and it'd just be bad for our careers as well. And you know I have my family to look out for, I have parents to take care of, and I can't just throw them away like this." His voice softens, and Wooyoung shuts his eyes. He has regretted stepping onto this path too many times to count, back from pre-debut days when he'd tried and tried but couldn't get anything right, and again when Jaebum left, and again when the fans pointed fingers at them, stopped giving them their love, accused them of mistreating Jaebum and Nichkhun, of being uncaring bastards who should kill themselves.
"Do you think he knows?" Chansung asks, voice so tiny Wooyoung barely manages to catch his question.
Wooyoung meets Chansung's gaze. "I think he does," Wooyoung says, because the Jaebum he's always known is strong and forgiving and determined, because the Jaebum he's always known wouldn't give up on them so easily. Because somewhere deep down, he's praying that they aren't the uncaring bastards ex-fans have labeled them as.
4.
"He was a great hyung," Junho says, avoids Wooyoung's knowing gaze. "But that doesn't change anything."
It changes a lot, Wooyoung thinks. You could save Nichkhun a lot of disappointment, you could save Jaebum a lot of hurt, you could save the fans a lot of heartache. But all these he doesn't say, because he knows how Junho is like; the more you push and force him to do something, the more he won't, but if you leave him alone to think it through, he'll probably do it anyway because it's the correct and responsible thing to do.
Junho turns to go, but Wooyoung reaches out and grabs at his wrist, tugging him back. "Junho," Wooyoung says, and he can feel the muscles in Junho's arm tense. "What. Just, I was wondering, what made you do it?"
"What made me do what?" Junho asks, meeting Wooyoung's gaze and holding it. They stare at each other until Wooyoung's eyeballs feel sort of dry, and then Junho breaks it off, looks down to stare at Wooyoung's fingers wrapped around his wrist instead.
Wooyoung doesn't let go. "Stop denying it," Wooyoung says. "I know you used to be mean to Jaebum-hyung back during trainee days, but after debuting you were fine with him. Didn't you tell me that before, too? You said at first you thought he was some dumb yank who thought he was all that, but then after spending some time with him you realized he wasn't, that he was loyal to his friends and didn't hold a grudge against you even though you were so awful, that -"
A look of desperation crosses Junho's face, and he struggles out of Wooyoung's hold, slapping Wooyoung's hand away. "Enough," he says, and his clenched fists are trembling. "You don't know anything, Jang Wooyoung, so stop acting like you do."
"Then tell me!" Wooyoung bursts out, and Junho flinches a little, staring at Wooyoung with wide eyes. "If you think I don't know anything, then tell me what you think I should know, God damn it."
It's been a long time since Wooyoung's exploded like this, and he tries his best to rein his anger in, to keep it under wraps. "I just don't understand you anymore," Wooyoung says finally, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. "So help me understand, Junho."
"You won't get it," Junho says quietly. "You're always under the spotlight, Wooyoung, how would you be able to understand how it feels? You don't know how it feels like when people barely register the fact that you are there, that you exist. You don't know how it feels like when people say they wish they could get to see more of you, when it's not your fault you always get cut out of shows. You don't know how it feels like to win a competition and think you've finally made it, and then hear people saying that you only won because you had plastic surgery to look like someone else."
But Wooyoung knows. He's sort of known from the start, has seen the look on Junho's face when he never gets a chance to speak, but he'd just pushed it out of his mind because he was a little greedy and a little selfish and never stopped to think about how Junho would feel. "I'm sorry," Wooyoung says. He turns away, sliding his eyes shut.
There is such a long period of silence that Wooyoung thinks Junho is gone, but when he opens his eyes, Junho is still there. "You don't know how it feels like," Junho whispers. "To know that you played a part in ruining someone's life, but you cannot stop because you've already started."
And then Junho leaves, Wooyoung staring wide-eyed after him.
5.
"I hate him," Taecyeon says.
You don't honestly mean that, Wooyoung thinks - hopes, actually, because he refuses to believe that Taecyeon never saw Jaebum as a friend, as someone he respects, or even as an equal. He feels like a child whose parents are facing an impending divorce, who still remembers a time when they'd laughed and talked with obvious love in their eyes, who still wishes, as ridiculous as it seems, that they will go back to that period of time again.
Wooyoung still remembers Taecyeon and Jaebum huddled in a corner speaking in voices too soft for anyone to catch, but it didn't matter since the rest of them - except Nichkhun - probably wouldn't have been able to understand anyway. Taecyeon forcing Jaebum to eat Korean food and Jaebum protesting until Taecyeon flung down his spoon and said fuck, Jay I'm doing this for you, if you don't learn to adjust you never will and then you might as well go back to Seattle because you'll just die here, and how Jaebum had quieted, and then slid a forkfull of the food into his mouth. Jaebum calling Taecyeon from Seattle saying I wish I could stay here forever, and Taecyeon responding with I know how you feel, but you have responsibilities here, and Jaebum saying I know, that's why I'm coming back, you idiot.
"Hyung," Wooyoung says. "Is popularity really that important to you?" Because Taecyeon is not like Junho, not dependent on being in the spotlight or receiving love from other people. To be honest, Taecyeon was the last person Wooyoung had expected to turn his back on Jaebum in order to climb higher on the career ladder, to become brighter in the entertainment scene. Wooyoung never found out what made Taecyeon change like that overnight, to turn from a silent supporter of the boycott to the person who'd convinced the rest of them to say you don't want him back, it's what's best for us, and this unanswered question has been taking root in Wooyoung's mind for a long time, and he is determined to wheedle out the answer from Taecyeon today no matter what.
"I know you want to know why," Taecyeon says, and Wooyoung's heart skips a beat. "But Wooyoung, I can't tell you."
"But I'm a member of this group," Wooyoung says, aware of how whiny he sounds, but not even caring anymore. "I have the right to know, don't you think?"
Taecyeon just gives him a look. "I can't tell you," he repeats, and Wooyoung scuffs his shoe against the floor in a silent tantrum.
And then it all just clicks, and Wooyoung stares up at Taecyeon and there is something like panic clawing its way up his throat. "Don't tell me," Wooyoung breathes. "Don't tell me they weren't lying, don't tell me we weren't lying, that he actually really did something?"
Taecyeon is dodging Wooyoung's gaze, and Wooyoung just sinks down to the floor. "Oh God," he says, as his world tilts in the oddest directions possible. "What did he do?"
"I can't tell you," Taecyeon says for the third time, but this time it's a lot more resigned and helpless and heartbreaking. "Fuck, I can't tell you, Wooyoung, he told me not to."
"Please?" Wooyoung pleads, because his heart feels all wrong and his mind is sort of exploding and when he thinks of Jaebum's smile he has the urge to slam his fist against the wall and if there's anything Wooyoung has ever wanted, it is nothing compared to how much he wants to know what Jaebum did. "Fuck, hyung, please, just tell me."
It sounds like Taecyeon's voice is a lot thicker than usual, but Wooyoung cannot tell for certain because his heartbeat is pounding in his ears and his vision is all blurry. "I can't," Taecyeon says again. "I can't, Wooyoung, just let it go, okay?"
"You can."
"But I won't."
"Is it really that bad?" Wooyoung says in a voice barely louder than a whisper. "Is it really impossible to forgive?"
Taecyeon looks as if he's smiling, but then he looks as if he's crying too, and the world is just too ridiculous for Wooyoung to make sense of. "I forgave him," Taecyeon says softly. "God help me, I forgave him, but that doesn't mean I will forget."
Wooyoung doesn't say anything, just lets himself fall apart as Taecyeon sits down beside him. He lays his head on Taecyeon's broad shoulder and listens to Taecyeon breathe, listens to the soundtrack of everything going awfully, awfully wrong. "Pretend this conversation never happened," Taecyeon breathes, and Wooyoung nods, lets himself believe.
6.
"I believe in them," Nichkhun is saying. "They'll figure out the truth for themselves."
The five of them are huddled outside the door to Nichkhun's room. Wooyoung and Junsu get the crack of the door to peer through, and Chansung is lying flat on the ground, pressing his ear against the slit between the door and the floor. Junho and Taecyeon are hovering somewhere further away, pretending not to care, but hiss what's going on now at the rest of them every minute anyway.
"Uh-huh," Nichkhun says into the phone. When he turns towards the door, Wooyoung nearly trips in his desperate effort to hide, but ends up stepping on Chansung's head.
"Ow!" Chansung yelps, then widens his eyes and clamps a hand over his mouth. Junho kicks his shoulder lightly, and Chansung sits up, rubbing his head while Wooyoung mouths sorry to him over and over again.
The door opens, and the five of them smile sheepishly at Nichkhun, whose phone is still pressed against his ear. What the hell is going on, squawks Jaebum, so loudly they can all hear him. Did Chansung slam the door on his own finger again?
"No!" Chansung wails, and Junsu laughs at him while Wooyoung squeezes his cheeks affectionately. "That was only one time, stop bringing it up already!"
"Nothing much," Nichkhun says, smiling. "Just being their usual ridiculous selves." He looks at Taecyeon and Junho, then raises an eyebrow. Junho shrugs, Taecyeon shuffles his feet, and Nichkhun laughs.
Tell them apoeufopawuef, Jaebum is saying, too soft for them to catch. Speaker-phone! Taecyeon mouths, and Nichkhun turns away from him, still smiling as he listens to whatever Jaebum is saying. "Tell me in Korean," Nichkhun says, his lips lifting upwards. "So I don't have to translate for them."
"Nichkhun Horvejkul," Taecyeon says warningly, and Nichkhun swats his arm away. There is a tiny struggle, and then Taecyeon manages to tug the phone out of Nichkhun's hands, pressing the speaker option on Nichkhun's phone with a triumphant grin. Junho gives him a thumbs-up, and Wooyoung presses closer to listen.
"I hope they're doing okay," Jaebum is saying, voice crackling out of the phone. It's a lot more low-quality than Wooyoung would have liked - it's been months since he's heard Jaebum's voice properly -, but beggars can't be choosers, so the six of them huddle around the phone and listen quietly. "And uh, don't let whatever the anti-fans say get them down. God, my Korean's rusty, can I stop already?"
Chansung shakes his head, a panicked spark in his eyes. Nooo, he mouths. But I won't understand!
Nichkhun ruffles Chansung's hair, still smiling. "No," he says. "Go on."
"So uh... tell them to remember to sleep whenever they're supposed to. Especially that Chansung, he goes out with his friends way too often. And Junho and Wooyoung, don't go clubbing so much, and remember to keep up your images in public. Oh, and Junsu, tell him to stop obsessing over his face so much, he's fine."
All eyes dart to Taecyeon then, when Jaebum pauses for what seems like hours. "Taec," Jaebum says finally, voice soft as it filters through the speaker of Nichkhun's phone. "Tell him I'm sorry for everything."
And then Taecyeon is grabbing for the phone and saying something to it in English. Wooyoung doesn't understand much except for idiot and sorry and fuck, but Nichkhun's grin is widening, and Taecyeon is sort of sobbing, and Jaebum sounds really surprised, and Wooyoung guesses that everything is going to be alright.