growing up and apart
growing up and apart
onew/key
1062 words
Jinki had wanted more than Kibum could give, Kibum was too jaded to believe in love that could last forever.
growing up and apart
separation should be liveable, but it makes me suffer until i faint
for the first time, a hole went through my heart
- falling u (t-ara)
Kibum is fidgeting with his straw - a glass of orange juice is in front of him, and Jinki notes that his taste hasn't changed one bit -, his hair falling into his eyes. It's back to that slanted, highlighted hairstyle that he'd had way back when he was nineteen, and Jinki remembers Kibum, unsure and fragile, asking hey do you think I look okay, remembers himself smiling and saying, of course, you always do Kibum-ah.
"How are you?" Kibum asks. The cafe is empty except for the waitress casting looks at them every once in a while. She looks like she's about thirty, and Jinki wonders if she'd used to be a fan.
"Okay, I guess," Jinki answers, and they're back to that uncharacteristic silence. There used to be a time when nothing could shut them up, when Jonghyun had to kick them out of the room for disrupting the others' sleep ("talking until three a.m. and still complaining about lack of sleep, what is wrong with you guys?"). This feels strange yet unbelievably familiar at the same time, because twenty-eight year old Kibum still looks the same, albeit a little more mature, a little less sharp at the edges. Because Jinki can still remember the touch of Kibum's fingertips and the taste of his lips and the angle of his smile and the heat of his embrace.
Their disbandment had been nothing if not friendly, nothing like their DBSK or Super Junior seniors. They'd all grown up and apart, so going on their separate paths made the most sense, in a way. Taemin and Kibum are both solo artists, and Jonghyun writes songs for Kibum ("it's like performing, in a way, except a lot less tiring. Well, except for times when Kibum comes over to yell at me for attempting to screw his career up and I have to rewrite and rewrite until he's happy"). Minho took over his father's position as soccer coach, and is now coaching an entire team full of the children of ex-fans who bring lunchboxes for him everyday, courtesy of their mothers. And then there is Jinki, who is simply a normal nine-to-five employee at the bank - he tells the rest that he's exhausted, that he doesn't have the energy to go on in the entertainment industry any longer, and lies to himself that it's not because he can use this as an excuse to continue avoiding Kibum.
"Are you still dating what's-her-name?" Kibum wants to know, offhand.
The question catches Jinki off-guard, and he flushes, avoids Kibum's curious gaze. "No," he mutters. "How did you know about that, anyway?"
"It was all over the papers," Kibum says. "Ex-leader of SHINee dates... Whatever her name was."
Jinki blinks, and Kibum sighs. "Still as slow as ever, I see," Kibum says matter-of-factly, and the blush tinting Jinki's cheeks deepens. "I heard from Jonghyun."
"Oh," Jinki says. Of course. Kibum has always had the uncanny ability to make him feel incredibly stupid.
"So, what was the problem?" Kibum prompts. He takes another sip of his orange juice, then says, "Wasn't she The One?"
No, Jinki thinks. Because I was stupid enough to let you go with the excuse that you weren't right for me, and this is my retribution.
As teenagers, they were both a little too afraid of commitment, a little too idealistic. Jinki had wanted more than Kibum could give, Kibum was too jaded to believe in love that could last forever. They'd had a particularly big fight and Jinki had said things he never meant, but when he realized his mistake, everything was moving too fast for Jinki to change, and Kibum had walked out of his life just like that. They have regular meet-up sessions of course, but Kibum never appears when Jinki does, and vice-versa. Taemin always complains about it always being four, and never five, and Jonghyun simply fakes a bright smile and changes the topic.
Today Jinki was on his way home from work when he'd felt someone's stare and turned to meet Kibum's gaze, shaded behind sunglasses. Having spent years sneaking out of their apartment with him, it only took one look for all disguises to fall away and Jinki's resolve to crumble, for him to gather up the courage and say let's have a drink, are you free? Which is how they'd ended up sitting across from each other in this almost-empty cafe pretending that they'd never been in love with each other.
"Kibum," Jinki says. It's been ages since he's said his name - he always avoids talking about Kibum with Jonghyun -, but it somehow still slips easily from his tongue, like an old T-shirt that feels comfortable no matter how long it's been since you'd last worn it. "Are you happy?"
Kibum's gaze is a little too piercing, and Jinki shifts in his seat, trying his best not to avert his eyes. "In some ways, I guess," Kibum answers, smiling in a way that makes Jinki's heart feel all funny.
There are so many things Jinki has thought of saying should he ever meet Kibum again, but right now when Kibum is sitting in front of him wearing that smile, he doesn't remember a thing. Jinki fumbles to keep his thoughts together, dredges one word up from a faint memory of that list. "Sorry," he says quietly.
Kibum finishes his orange juice, pushes it away. "For what?"
For hurting you. For ruining it all. For not being able to tell the truth. For still thinking of you every fucking day. "You know," Jinki says.
Kibum laughs a little, and his eyes are brighter than usual. "I don't," he tells Jinki, then stands up to leave.
It takes all of his courage to whisper don't go. Kibum turns, and the look in his eyes shatters what is left of Jinki's heart. But you were the one who made me leave first, Kibum's eyes seem to say, and Jinki swallows, because he knows it's his fault but he's apologized already, fuck, what else can he do?
And then something softens in Kibum's gaze, and he tilts his head a little as he looks at Jinki. "Whenever you're ready," Kibum says, and smiles.
onew/key
1062 words
Jinki had wanted more than Kibum could give, Kibum was too jaded to believe in love that could last forever.
growing up and apart
separation should be liveable, but it makes me suffer until i faint
for the first time, a hole went through my heart
- falling u (t-ara)
Kibum is fidgeting with his straw - a glass of orange juice is in front of him, and Jinki notes that his taste hasn't changed one bit -, his hair falling into his eyes. It's back to that slanted, highlighted hairstyle that he'd had way back when he was nineteen, and Jinki remembers Kibum, unsure and fragile, asking hey do you think I look okay, remembers himself smiling and saying, of course, you always do Kibum-ah.
"How are you?" Kibum asks. The cafe is empty except for the waitress casting looks at them every once in a while. She looks like she's about thirty, and Jinki wonders if she'd used to be a fan.
"Okay, I guess," Jinki answers, and they're back to that uncharacteristic silence. There used to be a time when nothing could shut them up, when Jonghyun had to kick them out of the room for disrupting the others' sleep ("talking until three a.m. and still complaining about lack of sleep, what is wrong with you guys?"). This feels strange yet unbelievably familiar at the same time, because twenty-eight year old Kibum still looks the same, albeit a little more mature, a little less sharp at the edges. Because Jinki can still remember the touch of Kibum's fingertips and the taste of his lips and the angle of his smile and the heat of his embrace.
Their disbandment had been nothing if not friendly, nothing like their DBSK or Super Junior seniors. They'd all grown up and apart, so going on their separate paths made the most sense, in a way. Taemin and Kibum are both solo artists, and Jonghyun writes songs for Kibum ("it's like performing, in a way, except a lot less tiring. Well, except for times when Kibum comes over to yell at me for attempting to screw his career up and I have to rewrite and rewrite until he's happy"). Minho took over his father's position as soccer coach, and is now coaching an entire team full of the children of ex-fans who bring lunchboxes for him everyday, courtesy of their mothers. And then there is Jinki, who is simply a normal nine-to-five employee at the bank - he tells the rest that he's exhausted, that he doesn't have the energy to go on in the entertainment industry any longer, and lies to himself that it's not because he can use this as an excuse to continue avoiding Kibum.
"Are you still dating what's-her-name?" Kibum wants to know, offhand.
The question catches Jinki off-guard, and he flushes, avoids Kibum's curious gaze. "No," he mutters. "How did you know about that, anyway?"
"It was all over the papers," Kibum says. "Ex-leader of SHINee dates... Whatever her name was."
Jinki blinks, and Kibum sighs. "Still as slow as ever, I see," Kibum says matter-of-factly, and the blush tinting Jinki's cheeks deepens. "I heard from Jonghyun."
"Oh," Jinki says. Of course. Kibum has always had the uncanny ability to make him feel incredibly stupid.
"So, what was the problem?" Kibum prompts. He takes another sip of his orange juice, then says, "Wasn't she The One?"
No, Jinki thinks. Because I was stupid enough to let you go with the excuse that you weren't right for me, and this is my retribution.
As teenagers, they were both a little too afraid of commitment, a little too idealistic. Jinki had wanted more than Kibum could give, Kibum was too jaded to believe in love that could last forever. They'd had a particularly big fight and Jinki had said things he never meant, but when he realized his mistake, everything was moving too fast for Jinki to change, and Kibum had walked out of his life just like that. They have regular meet-up sessions of course, but Kibum never appears when Jinki does, and vice-versa. Taemin always complains about it always being four, and never five, and Jonghyun simply fakes a bright smile and changes the topic.
Today Jinki was on his way home from work when he'd felt someone's stare and turned to meet Kibum's gaze, shaded behind sunglasses. Having spent years sneaking out of their apartment with him, it only took one look for all disguises to fall away and Jinki's resolve to crumble, for him to gather up the courage and say let's have a drink, are you free? Which is how they'd ended up sitting across from each other in this almost-empty cafe pretending that they'd never been in love with each other.
"Kibum," Jinki says. It's been ages since he's said his name - he always avoids talking about Kibum with Jonghyun -, but it somehow still slips easily from his tongue, like an old T-shirt that feels comfortable no matter how long it's been since you'd last worn it. "Are you happy?"
Kibum's gaze is a little too piercing, and Jinki shifts in his seat, trying his best not to avert his eyes. "In some ways, I guess," Kibum answers, smiling in a way that makes Jinki's heart feel all funny.
There are so many things Jinki has thought of saying should he ever meet Kibum again, but right now when Kibum is sitting in front of him wearing that smile, he doesn't remember a thing. Jinki fumbles to keep his thoughts together, dredges one word up from a faint memory of that list. "Sorry," he says quietly.
Kibum finishes his orange juice, pushes it away. "For what?"
For hurting you. For ruining it all. For not being able to tell the truth. For still thinking of you every fucking day. "You know," Jinki says.
Kibum laughs a little, and his eyes are brighter than usual. "I don't," he tells Jinki, then stands up to leave.
It takes all of his courage to whisper don't go. Kibum turns, and the look in his eyes shatters what is left of Jinki's heart. But you were the one who made me leave first, Kibum's eyes seem to say, and Jinki swallows, because he knows it's his fault but he's apologized already, fuck, what else can he do?
And then something softens in Kibum's gaze, and he tilts his head a little as he looks at Jinki. "Whenever you're ready," Kibum says, and smiles.