superstar
superstar
jonghyun/key
1751 words
If it isn't okay, Jonghyun will make it okay. This is how it's always been.
superstar
why are you not there?
can i not see you?
- romantic (shinee)
Sometimes when Jonghyun watches Key perform on stage, he feels like they are of two different worlds. Key is bright, his smile almost glittery as he waves at his screaming fans below, and Jonghyun just fixes a tiny, tiny half-smile as he watches Kibum be Key, be the love of a million fans' lives, be an idol so many people look up to.
Jonghyun is just Jonghyun. When he was younger, Jonghyun had wanted to be a superstar, but in the end he grew up and realized this was a path he was never meant to take. So instead, Jonghyun works backstage, fixes the sound system and the lights, prepares the stage for other people to shine on.
Today is Key's solo concert. Jonghyun watches through it all, as Key smiles for the fans and cracks a lame joke, as Key sings with his eyes closed and his fists clenched, as Key morphs into someone else for the camera, for the lights, for the fans.
When it is all over, Key ducks backstage and pulls at Jonghyun's elbow. The steadiness of his smile vanishes, and he looks at Jonghyun with nothing but nervousness and uncertainty in his eyes. Jonghyun lifts a hand, places it on Key's cheek, and smiles. This is the Kibum he fell in love with.
It is the after party for the concert, and Kibum is back to being Key and off talking to famous people. Jonghyun just sits in a corner with a drink in front of him, his eyes following Key as he laughs and makes small talk.
Someone plops down next to him, and Jonghyun turns to see Minho. "Hey," Jonghyun says, mustering up a smile.
Minho appraises him for a moment, then sighs. "You're wallowing again, hyung," he says matter-of-factly.
"I'm not," Jonghyun defends, then meets Minho's knowing gaze and simply looks back down at his drink. "Whatever."
They sit in silence for a while, listening to the beat of the song playing in the club and watching Key flit around tables and people.
"I don't know," Jonghyun finally admits. "It's not like this is the first day it's been like this. It's not like I hadn't expected this from the start. It's not like I don't know this is his job."
Minho doesn't say anything, just tilts his head and listens to Jonghyun talk. The flashing lights dart across Minho's earnest face, and the loud music is starting to give Jonghyun a headache.
"It's just," Jonghyun says. "It's just that it hurts so fucking much."
Minho pats Jonghyun's arm comfortingly, and Jonghyun stops fighting and lets his eyes slide shut and his head slip onto Minho's shoulder. "I know," Minho is saying, and if this was any other day Jonghyun might lash back and say no, you don't know how this feels at all. But this is today, and today Jonghyun is so very tired. So he doesn't say anything, just lets Minho surround him with his warmth and strength, and tries to make himself feel better.
Jonghyun ends up going home first, sitting on the couch and watching his TV with glazed eyes. It is nearly four, and he wonders if Kibum has gone home by now. On screen, there is an advertisement for a new variety show, and he watches as Key's face fills the screen as he talks and laughs and plays along. Jonghyun's finger hovers over the red power button, ready to press down, but there is a knock on the door.
He gets up, a little unsteady as the blood suddenly rushes to his feet again. He stumbles towards the door, then pulls it open and automatically catches Kibum as he tips forward into his arms.
"Jonghyunnie," Kibum sing-songs, and the smell of alcohol coming from him is so strong that Jonghyun wrinkles his nose. He kicks the door shut, then tugs Kibum into the bedroom, where he lets Kibum fall onto the bed.
Kibum is startlingly drunk. Jonghyun has only seen him this drunk once or twice; Kibum rarely lets people see his weaker side. Kibum has a very wide smile across his face, and Jonghyun feels like he should be angry, but the smile tears down all his defenses and he has no choice but to smile back. This is the way it has always been - Kibum is always doing things to make Jonghyun angry, and Jonghyun is always forgiving him. But when Jonghyun does something to make Kibum angry, it takes days or sometimes even weeks before Jonghyun can coax Kibum into talking to him again.
Kibum snuggles against Jonghyun's lap, and Jonghyun absent-mindedly runs his fingers through Kibum's hair. His hair is amazingly soft, and highlighted in purple and green and blue and orange, and Kibum makes a satisfied noise as he slides his eyes shut.
"Good night," Jonghyun whispers, but Kibum doesn't hear it.
When Kibum gets up to run into the bathroom, Jonghyun jolts awake as well, following not long after. He hears Kibum retching inside, and Jonghyun pulls open the door to see Kibum sitting on the floor, face pale and tears in his eyes.
"I'm okay," Kibum says, before Jonghyun can even ask. Jonghyun stares at him for a while more before going to the kitchen and getting a glass of warm water for him, which Kibum gratefully accepts.
"Are you sure?"
Kibum offers a half-smile. "No," he confesses. "My head hurts like fuck."
Jonghyun bends down until he is eye-level with Kibum. "Now you know what the result will be when you get drunk off your ass," he says, and Kibum avoids his probing gaze.
Jonghyun lays a hand on Kibum's shoulder. "Are you really okay?" He wants to know, his voice softening, his tone more warm.
Kibum nods, then pushes Jonghyun towards the door. "Go back to sleep," he says. "I'll just be in here."
Jonghyun is silent for a while, then he gets up and starts to walk out of the bathroom. "Yell if you need me," he says, a hand skimming against the wall, and Kibum smiles and nods.
He has one foot inside his room when he hears Kibum's muffled sobbing, so he turns back and hovers outside the bathroom, unsure of what to do. After fifteen minutes, he just throws the door open and wraps Kibum in a tight hug. "It'll be okay," Jonghyun says, even though he doesn't even know what Kibum is crying about. Kibum has always been like this - strong on the surface, weak on the inside, yet he never wants to admit how he is feeling.
Kibum is shaking, and Jonghyun can feel Kibum's tears drip and slide onto his arm. "It'll be okay," Jonghyun repeats. If it isn't okay, Jonghyun will make it okay. This is how it's always been.
There are days when Kibum feels so far away, when there is that coolness radiating from Kibum's gaze, when there is an invisible wall between the two of them. This wall is something Jonghyun has never managed to be able to break down, and he usually just keeps quiet and waits until Kibum is back to his more cheerful self again.
Today is one of these days. Kibum's eyes are a little darker and his gaze is razor-sharp, his smile icy. He grabs his bag, puts one hand on the door-knob. "I have to go," he says. "I have schedules."
He always has schedules. Sometimes Jonghyun wonders who Kibum truly belongs to, whether Kibum loves the public more than him. But he knows this is something he cannot make Kibum choose, so he just nods and smiles. "Bye," he says, and Kibum waves briefly before disappearing out of the door.
Today is one of these days. Kibum feels like he could walk out and never come back, Kibum feels like he could disappear off the face of this earth, Kibum feels like part of Jonghyun's imagination. But Jonghyun cannot do anything except wait.
Life is hard when the person you love is a national star. Jonghyun's heart thumps a beat more painfully when he hears people talking about Key, has to turn away and pretend not to care as teenage girls fight about who Key belongs to ("No, Key-oppa is mine!" "But I liked him first!" "No way, but I love him more!" and all Jonghyun wants to do is to tell the world that Kim Kibum was his from the very start).
But then he tells himself this is Key they are all talking about. The Key who does girl group dances with a smirk on his face, the Key who bites back with cutting words, the Key with the bright, bright smile and the amazing voice.
And then there is Kibum. Kibum who tried to bake a cake for Jonghyun on his birthday and only accomplished in wrecking the kitchen, Kibum who cries and falls sick and admits that he is wrong, Kibum whose hand is always warm in Jonghyun's.
Jonghyun has gotten it all figured out: Key belongs to the public. His every smile and word and action is meant for them, whereas Kibum's grin and touches and kisses belong to Jonghyun. Only Jonghyun.
Jonghyun thinks he might be fine with this.
Key holds a fanmeeting on his birthday, and Jonghyun just hangs around at home doing things with Kibum hovering at the back of his mind. Kibum comes to him at midnight, and smiles at him with bright eyes when Jonghyun opens the door.
"It's not your birthday anymore," Jonghyun says, and Kibum brushes past him and into the house.
Kibum glances down at his watch. "It's not," he agrees. "But never mind."
Jonghyun just smiles back. He's used to this, used to Kibum not being around whenever Jonghyun needs him the most.
"But think about it," Kibum is saying. "Here I am, with you, on the anniversary of the second day of my life."
Jonghyun raises an eyebrow. "Isn't it the first day that matters?"
Kibum cocks his head to the side. "No," he says. "Because we still have many more years to celebrate."
Jonghyun wants to ask Kibum if he is telling the truth, wants a confirmation that Kibum will stay right here with him forever. But Kibum is smiling that smile yet again, and Jonghyun decides not to spoil the moment.
"Okay," Jonghyun says, reaches out to wrap his fingers around Kibum's thin wrist. "Happy anniversary of the second day of your life."
Kibum laughs. "Thank you," he answers, and Jonghyun thinks that he doesn't want to know the truth today. Today, all he wants is to believe in Kibum.
jonghyun/key
1751 words
If it isn't okay, Jonghyun will make it okay. This is how it's always been.
superstar
why are you not there?
can i not see you?
- romantic (shinee)
Sometimes when Jonghyun watches Key perform on stage, he feels like they are of two different worlds. Key is bright, his smile almost glittery as he waves at his screaming fans below, and Jonghyun just fixes a tiny, tiny half-smile as he watches Kibum be Key, be the love of a million fans' lives, be an idol so many people look up to.
Jonghyun is just Jonghyun. When he was younger, Jonghyun had wanted to be a superstar, but in the end he grew up and realized this was a path he was never meant to take. So instead, Jonghyun works backstage, fixes the sound system and the lights, prepares the stage for other people to shine on.
Today is Key's solo concert. Jonghyun watches through it all, as Key smiles for the fans and cracks a lame joke, as Key sings with his eyes closed and his fists clenched, as Key morphs into someone else for the camera, for the lights, for the fans.
When it is all over, Key ducks backstage and pulls at Jonghyun's elbow. The steadiness of his smile vanishes, and he looks at Jonghyun with nothing but nervousness and uncertainty in his eyes. Jonghyun lifts a hand, places it on Key's cheek, and smiles. This is the Kibum he fell in love with.
It is the after party for the concert, and Kibum is back to being Key and off talking to famous people. Jonghyun just sits in a corner with a drink in front of him, his eyes following Key as he laughs and makes small talk.
Someone plops down next to him, and Jonghyun turns to see Minho. "Hey," Jonghyun says, mustering up a smile.
Minho appraises him for a moment, then sighs. "You're wallowing again, hyung," he says matter-of-factly.
"I'm not," Jonghyun defends, then meets Minho's knowing gaze and simply looks back down at his drink. "Whatever."
They sit in silence for a while, listening to the beat of the song playing in the club and watching Key flit around tables and people.
"I don't know," Jonghyun finally admits. "It's not like this is the first day it's been like this. It's not like I hadn't expected this from the start. It's not like I don't know this is his job."
Minho doesn't say anything, just tilts his head and listens to Jonghyun talk. The flashing lights dart across Minho's earnest face, and the loud music is starting to give Jonghyun a headache.
"It's just," Jonghyun says. "It's just that it hurts so fucking much."
Minho pats Jonghyun's arm comfortingly, and Jonghyun stops fighting and lets his eyes slide shut and his head slip onto Minho's shoulder. "I know," Minho is saying, and if this was any other day Jonghyun might lash back and say no, you don't know how this feels at all. But this is today, and today Jonghyun is so very tired. So he doesn't say anything, just lets Minho surround him with his warmth and strength, and tries to make himself feel better.
Jonghyun ends up going home first, sitting on the couch and watching his TV with glazed eyes. It is nearly four, and he wonders if Kibum has gone home by now. On screen, there is an advertisement for a new variety show, and he watches as Key's face fills the screen as he talks and laughs and plays along. Jonghyun's finger hovers over the red power button, ready to press down, but there is a knock on the door.
He gets up, a little unsteady as the blood suddenly rushes to his feet again. He stumbles towards the door, then pulls it open and automatically catches Kibum as he tips forward into his arms.
"Jonghyunnie," Kibum sing-songs, and the smell of alcohol coming from him is so strong that Jonghyun wrinkles his nose. He kicks the door shut, then tugs Kibum into the bedroom, where he lets Kibum fall onto the bed.
Kibum is startlingly drunk. Jonghyun has only seen him this drunk once or twice; Kibum rarely lets people see his weaker side. Kibum has a very wide smile across his face, and Jonghyun feels like he should be angry, but the smile tears down all his defenses and he has no choice but to smile back. This is the way it has always been - Kibum is always doing things to make Jonghyun angry, and Jonghyun is always forgiving him. But when Jonghyun does something to make Kibum angry, it takes days or sometimes even weeks before Jonghyun can coax Kibum into talking to him again.
Kibum snuggles against Jonghyun's lap, and Jonghyun absent-mindedly runs his fingers through Kibum's hair. His hair is amazingly soft, and highlighted in purple and green and blue and orange, and Kibum makes a satisfied noise as he slides his eyes shut.
"Good night," Jonghyun whispers, but Kibum doesn't hear it.
When Kibum gets up to run into the bathroom, Jonghyun jolts awake as well, following not long after. He hears Kibum retching inside, and Jonghyun pulls open the door to see Kibum sitting on the floor, face pale and tears in his eyes.
"I'm okay," Kibum says, before Jonghyun can even ask. Jonghyun stares at him for a while more before going to the kitchen and getting a glass of warm water for him, which Kibum gratefully accepts.
"Are you sure?"
Kibum offers a half-smile. "No," he confesses. "My head hurts like fuck."
Jonghyun bends down until he is eye-level with Kibum. "Now you know what the result will be when you get drunk off your ass," he says, and Kibum avoids his probing gaze.
Jonghyun lays a hand on Kibum's shoulder. "Are you really okay?" He wants to know, his voice softening, his tone more warm.
Kibum nods, then pushes Jonghyun towards the door. "Go back to sleep," he says. "I'll just be in here."
Jonghyun is silent for a while, then he gets up and starts to walk out of the bathroom. "Yell if you need me," he says, a hand skimming against the wall, and Kibum smiles and nods.
He has one foot inside his room when he hears Kibum's muffled sobbing, so he turns back and hovers outside the bathroom, unsure of what to do. After fifteen minutes, he just throws the door open and wraps Kibum in a tight hug. "It'll be okay," Jonghyun says, even though he doesn't even know what Kibum is crying about. Kibum has always been like this - strong on the surface, weak on the inside, yet he never wants to admit how he is feeling.
Kibum is shaking, and Jonghyun can feel Kibum's tears drip and slide onto his arm. "It'll be okay," Jonghyun repeats. If it isn't okay, Jonghyun will make it okay. This is how it's always been.
There are days when Kibum feels so far away, when there is that coolness radiating from Kibum's gaze, when there is an invisible wall between the two of them. This wall is something Jonghyun has never managed to be able to break down, and he usually just keeps quiet and waits until Kibum is back to his more cheerful self again.
Today is one of these days. Kibum's eyes are a little darker and his gaze is razor-sharp, his smile icy. He grabs his bag, puts one hand on the door-knob. "I have to go," he says. "I have schedules."
He always has schedules. Sometimes Jonghyun wonders who Kibum truly belongs to, whether Kibum loves the public more than him. But he knows this is something he cannot make Kibum choose, so he just nods and smiles. "Bye," he says, and Kibum waves briefly before disappearing out of the door.
Today is one of these days. Kibum feels like he could walk out and never come back, Kibum feels like he could disappear off the face of this earth, Kibum feels like part of Jonghyun's imagination. But Jonghyun cannot do anything except wait.
Life is hard when the person you love is a national star. Jonghyun's heart thumps a beat more painfully when he hears people talking about Key, has to turn away and pretend not to care as teenage girls fight about who Key belongs to ("No, Key-oppa is mine!" "But I liked him first!" "No way, but I love him more!" and all Jonghyun wants to do is to tell the world that Kim Kibum was his from the very start).
But then he tells himself this is Key they are all talking about. The Key who does girl group dances with a smirk on his face, the Key who bites back with cutting words, the Key with the bright, bright smile and the amazing voice.
And then there is Kibum. Kibum who tried to bake a cake for Jonghyun on his birthday and only accomplished in wrecking the kitchen, Kibum who cries and falls sick and admits that he is wrong, Kibum whose hand is always warm in Jonghyun's.
Jonghyun has gotten it all figured out: Key belongs to the public. His every smile and word and action is meant for them, whereas Kibum's grin and touches and kisses belong to Jonghyun. Only Jonghyun.
Jonghyun thinks he might be fine with this.
Key holds a fanmeeting on his birthday, and Jonghyun just hangs around at home doing things with Kibum hovering at the back of his mind. Kibum comes to him at midnight, and smiles at him with bright eyes when Jonghyun opens the door.
"It's not your birthday anymore," Jonghyun says, and Kibum brushes past him and into the house.
Kibum glances down at his watch. "It's not," he agrees. "But never mind."
Jonghyun just smiles back. He's used to this, used to Kibum not being around whenever Jonghyun needs him the most.
"But think about it," Kibum is saying. "Here I am, with you, on the anniversary of the second day of my life."
Jonghyun raises an eyebrow. "Isn't it the first day that matters?"
Kibum cocks his head to the side. "No," he says. "Because we still have many more years to celebrate."
Jonghyun wants to ask Kibum if he is telling the truth, wants a confirmation that Kibum will stay right here with him forever. But Kibum is smiling that smile yet again, and Jonghyun decides not to spoil the moment.
"Okay," Jonghyun says, reaches out to wrap his fingers around Kibum's thin wrist. "Happy anniversary of the second day of your life."
Kibum laughs. "Thank you," he answers, and Jonghyun thinks that he doesn't want to know the truth today. Today, all he wants is to believe in Kibum.