letting go
letting go
jaebum/junho, junho/junsu, junho/wooyoung
2725 words
So Junho continues pretending, even if it means hurting both him and Wooyoung along the way.
letting go
we went through so much time together,
how are you telling me to live by myself now?
- i can't let you go even if i die (2am)
It's been five months and Junho still misses him. It's been five months and Junho still wakes up in the morning expecting Jaebum's cheerful smile accompanied by a gloating hey you're late again, expecting things that can never happen again like Jaebum dancing with that beautiful flicker of emotion in his eyes.
Junho wants to laugh whenever he remembers how much he used to wish Jaebum would just leave him alone or whenever he thinks about all the times he'd gotten irritated with Jaebum and yelled about how he always managed to screw Junho's life up (and watched the spark dull in Jaebum's eyes, listened to his soft but shaky I'm sorry).
Be careful what you wish for, Junho thinks, and the smile on his face splinters apart like his heart. But Junho goes about his life as usual, because there is no point in waiting for someone that will never come back.
(Junho stared, wide-eyed, at the boy sitting on his couch in his apartment.
"Who are you?" Junho finally managed, and the boy turned, hair flopping messily across his eyes.
"Park Jaebum," the boy answered easily, and grinned. "Hello there, new owner."
Junho blinked. "How the hell did you get in here?" He asked, surreptitiously digging his hands into his jeans pockets in search for something sharp in case he needed a weapon to protect himself from this strange boy.
Park Jaebum's eyes had an almost mischievous flicker in them. "I'm a ghost," he said casually, and Junho's mouth fell open in shock.)
Junsu understands what Jaebum means to Junho, even when Junho himself hasn't managed to grasp how much he loves Jaebum. Junsu sees it; he has been watching Junho through it all.
He listened when Junho told him about Jaebum, listened and believed (because if Junho told him one day that the sky was purple and the clouds were blue, or that the sea was orange and the Sun was black, he would believe Junho. He would believe Junho. This is what he does, everyday: he believes in Junho.)
He saw the way Junho's eyes smiled whenever he talked about what Jaebum did to him today or how Jaebum could do backflips like no other person. He followed Junho in search of Jaebum when he vanished, he was in charge of putting together Junho's heart when Jaebum never came back.
Junsu knows that even when Junho tells him he has gotten over Jaebum, he will never be able to replace Jaebum's presence in Junho's heart. It isn't that he thinks Junho is lying to him, it's that he knows Junho is lying to himself.
But he goes along with this lie, even though he knows that he might wind up even more broken than before. If he was nothing more than Junho's best friend, he would get Junho to wake up and face reality, to move on and acknowledge that Jaebum will never be coming back, that Jaebum wasn't even supposed to exist in the first place.
But in truth, Junsu is something more. Junsu is so much more than a best friend, but Junho is too preoccupied with Jaebum to see this.
(As it turned out, Park Jaebum really was a ghost. Who was not willing to budge from the apartment Junho had paid for (Junho finally understood why the previous owner was so willing to sell such a beautiful place away for such a low price) and did the most irritating things like appear in the bathroom suddenly when Junho was showering or blast music in the middle of the night and get Junho scolded by the neighbours.
"Did you do this to the previous owners as well?" Junho asked, annoyed, as he shoveled a spoonful of rice into his mouth. "No wonder they were so happy to sell the house."
Jaebum slid easily into the seat next to Junho, propping his head on his hands and grinning. "Well, I didn't appear or anything," he said happily. "I just did things like make plates on the table fall to the ground suddenly or the door slam when there was no wind or taps come on in the middle of the night. You know, the kind of things that happen in horror movies."
Junho rolled his eyes, taking his empty bowl to the sink. "Well, at least I can actually get to have a conversation with you," he said sarcastically. "I mean, God forbid you drifting around without my knowledge and doing scary things."
Jaebum huffed. "It's a talent, okay," he insisted, and Junho turned, shooting him a glare.
"Well, get your talented self over here and help me wash the dishes," Junho said, jerking his head towards the dirty dishes in the sink. "I'm going to school."
Jaebum made a face and muttered something under his breath. Junho simply ignored him and walked out of the door.)
Junho meets Jang Wooyoung purely by coincidence. Wooyoung is having a dance battle with a group of other boys on the street, and Junho just stands and stares as Wooyoung does complicated moves and flips, the bright grin on his face never fading.
Junsu taps Junho's shoulder. "Is there something wrong?" He asks, and Junho turns towards him slowly, eyes bright like uncut diamonds.
"He," Junho breathes. "He reminds me of Jaebum so much."
And Junho swivels back to stare at the strange boy with the shiny smile, not noticing as Junsu's lips tilt upwards knowingly and his eyes dim just a notch. Junho stares until the entire battle is over, and Wooyoung tosses a cap onto his head and gives him a weird look.
"Do you want something?" The dancer asks finally, slinging a bag over his shoulder.
Junho manages a small, half-hearted smile. "Yes," he says. "What's your name?"
"Jang Wooyoung," Wooyoung says, and smiles back.
(Junho and Jaebum stood side by side, looking down at the spot where Jaebum's body lay, underneath all that soil and grass and flowers from friends and relatives. Jaebum was unusually silent, his head bent low, and Junho had no idea what to say to comfort a ghost who was visiting his own grave.
"Hey," Junho finally said, touching Jaebum's elbow lightly. "It's okay."
Jaebum shrugged his shoulders a little, then glanced up at Junho, who blinked and tightened his grip on Jaebum's elbow as something sparkled its way down Jaebum's cheek. "Jaebum?"
Jaebum wiped his tears away roughly, then smiled. "I'm okay," he said. "Junnie."
The sudden bout of sympathy for Jaebum disappeared. Junho shot him a glare, protesting, "don't call me that!"
"Junnie, Junnie, Junnie," Jaebum chanted, and grinned, dodging Junho's kicks.
Junho didn't miss the spark of sadness that was dancing in Jaebum's eyes. Jaebum's smile was brighter than ever before, and Junho understood that this was how Jaebum coped with sorrow - push it away and pretend that nothing ever happened.
But Jaebum can't pretend forever. When the time comes for Jaebum to jolt awake and into reality, Junho will be beside him.)
"Junho," Junsu is saying, his voice low and serious. "Wooyoung is Wooyoung. Wooyoung is not Jaebum, no matter how hard you try to pretend -"
Junho cuts him off, eyes flashing, fingers curled. "I know that perfectly well, thank you very much, Junsu-sshi," he hisses. "I'm not insane."
He stalks out of the restaurant, leaving the other customers staring after him and Junsu sitting by himself with a sad, sad smile.
(Jaebum likes to tell Junho stories about what he was like back when he was alive. He'd grown up in Seattle learning how to dance and bboy, and when he was sixteen he went to Korea because he wanted to learn how to be someone he wasn't. After four years of hard work, four years of tears and sweat and blood, he debuted in a group with six other boys. They were called 2PM because they were the hottest time of the day and with the appearance of them in the music industry, it was time for change, time for a new generation. In the very beginning, Jaebum had hated Korea, but when he was around these six cheerful, lovable boys, he gradually got used to calling Korea home. But someone dredged up old internet entries of Jaebum insulting Korea and its citizens, people got angry and even created suicide petitions for Jaebum. People wanted Jaebum to leave Korea. The other members didn't, but six people are not strong enough to withstand the pressure and disappointment of the rest of the country and company, so Jaebum quit and left voluntarily. The fans boycotted the company, said they wouldn't support a group without him, but these protests too died down after time ("Everything dies down after time," Jaebum said, and gave a wistful smile). Jaebum got a job at a garage, studied music and took up piano lessons. Jaebum never went back. But Jaebum never forget the rest, never stopped asking how they were and checking up on them for updates. When Jaebum died - a drunk driver had crashed into him one night, a hit-and-run accident -, the entire South Korea was at a loss for what to do. Fans blamed the media and anti-fans for doing this ("if you hadn't chased our oppa away, this would never have happened"), but Jaebum never blamed anyone.
"Everything was my fault," Jaebum said, his hands trembling and his eyes watery, and Junho bit his lower lip, helpless as he watched the disintegration of Jaebum's heart.)
"Chansung-sshi," Junho says politely. "What did you know about Jaebum?"
Chansung widens his eyes and starts coughing; Wooyoung, wearing a concerned look, pushes a glass of water over to the old man.
"Isn't 2PM a little out of your time?" Chansung wants to know, but he smiles nonetheless.
Junho clears his throat, shifts awkwardly. "I just heard about you, so I sort of wanted to know more."
"Jaebum-hyung?" Chansung asks, and Junho nods, eyes fever-bright. "He was the greatest leader anyone could possibly ask for, and the best friend ever. He was always so brilliant and strong and determined, and..."
Junho laughs when Chansung tells him about Jaebum's little pranks, about the ridiculous noises Jaebum would make when he was bored, about the countless of times Jaebum got into trouble.
Junho feels his heart throb a little, because this is the Jaebum he knew and fell in love with.
("He likes you, you know," Jaebum said, bumping Junho's shoulder playfully.
Junho rolled his eyes. "He's my best friend," he said, trying and failing to imagine dating Junsu. Junsu had been his best friend since elementary school, had stuck with him throughout the many years, throughout fights and misunderstandings. Junsu was Junsu, the Best Friend, and would never be more than that. "That would be sick, seriously."
"Heartbreaker," Jaebum said.)
Junho doesn't really want to do this, doesn't really want to fit Jaebum into Wooyoung, doesn't really want to see all their similarities and differences. He knows Jaebum and Wooyoung are two separate people, two different people, but all the same, he cannot unsee the quirk of Jaebum's smile on Wooyoung's face or the same bright spark in Wooyoung's eyes that he'd used to see in Jaebum's.
Junho's not really sure whether he cannot stop or he doesn't want to stop. Because unseeing it all would mean no trace of Jaebum left in this world, nothing left except dull, black-and-white memories of Jaebum's laughter and Jaebum's grin. Because unseeing it all would mean confirmation of what Junho never wanted to believe - that Jaebum was gone, and he would never come back.
So Junho continues pretending, even if it means hurting both him and Wooyoung along the way. Junho's too far gone to realise what this means.
(In a way, Junho had always known it, deep down. Jaebum wasn't a part of this world, Jaebum was meant to move on, and Jaebum will one day leave. But Junho refused to see the signs, refused to register that Jaebum was acting a little weird lately, that he was always furrowing his brows or rubbing at his forehead or shimmering at the edges. Junho refused to see it, so he didn't.
So when Jaebum started to disappear bit by bit, Junho promptly dropped his mug onto the kitchen floor. It shattered, falling to pieces, but Junho just stared and stared and stared at Jaebum.
"You're disappearing," Junho said.
Jaebum glanced down at his non-existent hands. "Oh," he said.
And then he disappeared, leaving Junho -)
Wooyoung's eyes are ice-cold as he looks at Junho. "Stop it," he says. "Stop looking for someone else in me."
Junho's heart stutters a little as he stares right back at Wooyoung. "I'm not," he begins, but they both know whatever Junho says next will be a lie.
"It's like you see right through me, sometimes," Wooyoung says, and his voice cracks, but he is still wearing a smile. Junho bites his lip; he can tell that Wooyoung is putting up a strong front when he is falling apart inside.
"I'm sorry," Junho says. "I'm sorry."
Wooyoung slides his eyes shut and sways a little. "But at the same time, it's like there is some part of me wishing for you to do that. Like I want you to be searching for that someone else in me. Like -"
When Wooyoung falls to the ground, Junho drops to his knees in fear. "Oh my God," he breathes, shaking Wooyoung's shoulders even as his hands start trembling uncontrollably. "Wooyoung!"
Wooyoung grabs at Junho's hand like a hook onto reality. "Junnie," he whispers (Junho's heart jolts so hard it hurts) and then his tight grip on Junho's hand ebbs away.
(- all alone.
Life goes by. Junho hadn't expected time to stop when Jaebum left, but it still came as something of a shock - why was the world still turning when Jaebum wasn't here? They'd gone through so much together; how was Junho expected to live by himself now?
Life goes by, albeit a little slower than usual, a little more difficult. A little more sadness, a little more empty space in the apartment that had always been meant for one from the start.)
When Wooyoung wakes up, he doesn't remember anything that had happened previously. Junho just sits there silently when Wooyoung tells him that, then nods and smiles. After that, Junsu corners him outside Wooyoung's hospital room, eyes blazing and mouth drawn.
Junho flinches when Junsu's grip on his wrist is so tight it hurts, and glares right back. He's been expecting Junsu to yell at him, so he is a little confused when Junsu just sighs and rubs against his eyes, the fire inside cooling.
"Junho," Junsu says. "You know what you're doing, don't you?"
Junho nods, unsure of what Junsu is trying to say. "I do," he says, but it comes out sounding more like a question, and Junsu sighs again.
"You know that Jaebum isn't coming back. You know that Wooyoung isn't Jaebum. You know that you shouldn't hurt Wooyoung by pretending he is someone he isn't."
Junho nods. "I do," he repeats, sounding surer this time, because God, he really does know.
"I believe in you," Junsu tells him, a small smile spreading across his face, and Junho reaches out to lay a hand on his shoulder because there is so much he wants to tell Junsu yet cannot find the words to say; he wants to thank Junsu for being by him all this time, wants to thank Junsu for listening and believing in him, wants to thank Junsu for being the best friend anyone could ever wish for.
Junsu's eyes are strangely bright today as he strides away, and Junho watches him leave before pushing the door to Wooyoung's ward open again. Wooyoung is sleeping, his breathing slow and steady, and Junho goes over to sit beside him, clutching at Wooyoung's hand.
Junho knows that Jaebum isn't coming back. Junho knows that Wooyoung isn't Jaebum. Junho knows that he shouldn't hurt Wooyoung by pretending he is someone he isn't. God, Junho really does know, but that doesn't mean that he can't believe in the impossible. So he sits there and watches Wooyoung sleep, feels the touch of Jaebum's hand against his, sees the flutter of Jaebum's eyelashes against his cheek, listens to Jaebum's heartbeat.
jaebum/junho, junho/junsu, junho/wooyoung
2725 words
So Junho continues pretending, even if it means hurting both him and Wooyoung along the way.
letting go
we went through so much time together,
how are you telling me to live by myself now?
- i can't let you go even if i die (2am)
It's been five months and Junho still misses him. It's been five months and Junho still wakes up in the morning expecting Jaebum's cheerful smile accompanied by a gloating hey you're late again, expecting things that can never happen again like Jaebum dancing with that beautiful flicker of emotion in his eyes.
Junho wants to laugh whenever he remembers how much he used to wish Jaebum would just leave him alone or whenever he thinks about all the times he'd gotten irritated with Jaebum and yelled about how he always managed to screw Junho's life up (and watched the spark dull in Jaebum's eyes, listened to his soft but shaky I'm sorry).
Be careful what you wish for, Junho thinks, and the smile on his face splinters apart like his heart. But Junho goes about his life as usual, because there is no point in waiting for someone that will never come back.
(Junho stared, wide-eyed, at the boy sitting on his couch in his apartment.
"Who are you?" Junho finally managed, and the boy turned, hair flopping messily across his eyes.
"Park Jaebum," the boy answered easily, and grinned. "Hello there, new owner."
Junho blinked. "How the hell did you get in here?" He asked, surreptitiously digging his hands into his jeans pockets in search for something sharp in case he needed a weapon to protect himself from this strange boy.
Park Jaebum's eyes had an almost mischievous flicker in them. "I'm a ghost," he said casually, and Junho's mouth fell open in shock.)
Junsu understands what Jaebum means to Junho, even when Junho himself hasn't managed to grasp how much he loves Jaebum. Junsu sees it; he has been watching Junho through it all.
He listened when Junho told him about Jaebum, listened and believed (because if Junho told him one day that the sky was purple and the clouds were blue, or that the sea was orange and the Sun was black, he would believe Junho. He would believe Junho. This is what he does, everyday: he believes in Junho.)
He saw the way Junho's eyes smiled whenever he talked about what Jaebum did to him today or how Jaebum could do backflips like no other person. He followed Junho in search of Jaebum when he vanished, he was in charge of putting together Junho's heart when Jaebum never came back.
Junsu knows that even when Junho tells him he has gotten over Jaebum, he will never be able to replace Jaebum's presence in Junho's heart. It isn't that he thinks Junho is lying to him, it's that he knows Junho is lying to himself.
But he goes along with this lie, even though he knows that he might wind up even more broken than before. If he was nothing more than Junho's best friend, he would get Junho to wake up and face reality, to move on and acknowledge that Jaebum will never be coming back, that Jaebum wasn't even supposed to exist in the first place.
But in truth, Junsu is something more. Junsu is so much more than a best friend, but Junho is too preoccupied with Jaebum to see this.
(As it turned out, Park Jaebum really was a ghost. Who was not willing to budge from the apartment Junho had paid for (Junho finally understood why the previous owner was so willing to sell such a beautiful place away for such a low price) and did the most irritating things like appear in the bathroom suddenly when Junho was showering or blast music in the middle of the night and get Junho scolded by the neighbours.
"Did you do this to the previous owners as well?" Junho asked, annoyed, as he shoveled a spoonful of rice into his mouth. "No wonder they were so happy to sell the house."
Jaebum slid easily into the seat next to Junho, propping his head on his hands and grinning. "Well, I didn't appear or anything," he said happily. "I just did things like make plates on the table fall to the ground suddenly or the door slam when there was no wind or taps come on in the middle of the night. You know, the kind of things that happen in horror movies."
Junho rolled his eyes, taking his empty bowl to the sink. "Well, at least I can actually get to have a conversation with you," he said sarcastically. "I mean, God forbid you drifting around without my knowledge and doing scary things."
Jaebum huffed. "It's a talent, okay," he insisted, and Junho turned, shooting him a glare.
"Well, get your talented self over here and help me wash the dishes," Junho said, jerking his head towards the dirty dishes in the sink. "I'm going to school."
Jaebum made a face and muttered something under his breath. Junho simply ignored him and walked out of the door.)
Junho meets Jang Wooyoung purely by coincidence. Wooyoung is having a dance battle with a group of other boys on the street, and Junho just stands and stares as Wooyoung does complicated moves and flips, the bright grin on his face never fading.
Junsu taps Junho's shoulder. "Is there something wrong?" He asks, and Junho turns towards him slowly, eyes bright like uncut diamonds.
"He," Junho breathes. "He reminds me of Jaebum so much."
And Junho swivels back to stare at the strange boy with the shiny smile, not noticing as Junsu's lips tilt upwards knowingly and his eyes dim just a notch. Junho stares until the entire battle is over, and Wooyoung tosses a cap onto his head and gives him a weird look.
"Do you want something?" The dancer asks finally, slinging a bag over his shoulder.
Junho manages a small, half-hearted smile. "Yes," he says. "What's your name?"
"Jang Wooyoung," Wooyoung says, and smiles back.
(Junho and Jaebum stood side by side, looking down at the spot where Jaebum's body lay, underneath all that soil and grass and flowers from friends and relatives. Jaebum was unusually silent, his head bent low, and Junho had no idea what to say to comfort a ghost who was visiting his own grave.
"Hey," Junho finally said, touching Jaebum's elbow lightly. "It's okay."
Jaebum shrugged his shoulders a little, then glanced up at Junho, who blinked and tightened his grip on Jaebum's elbow as something sparkled its way down Jaebum's cheek. "Jaebum?"
Jaebum wiped his tears away roughly, then smiled. "I'm okay," he said. "Junnie."
The sudden bout of sympathy for Jaebum disappeared. Junho shot him a glare, protesting, "don't call me that!"
"Junnie, Junnie, Junnie," Jaebum chanted, and grinned, dodging Junho's kicks.
Junho didn't miss the spark of sadness that was dancing in Jaebum's eyes. Jaebum's smile was brighter than ever before, and Junho understood that this was how Jaebum coped with sorrow - push it away and pretend that nothing ever happened.
But Jaebum can't pretend forever. When the time comes for Jaebum to jolt awake and into reality, Junho will be beside him.)
"Junho," Junsu is saying, his voice low and serious. "Wooyoung is Wooyoung. Wooyoung is not Jaebum, no matter how hard you try to pretend -"
Junho cuts him off, eyes flashing, fingers curled. "I know that perfectly well, thank you very much, Junsu-sshi," he hisses. "I'm not insane."
He stalks out of the restaurant, leaving the other customers staring after him and Junsu sitting by himself with a sad, sad smile.
(Jaebum likes to tell Junho stories about what he was like back when he was alive. He'd grown up in Seattle learning how to dance and bboy, and when he was sixteen he went to Korea because he wanted to learn how to be someone he wasn't. After four years of hard work, four years of tears and sweat and blood, he debuted in a group with six other boys. They were called 2PM because they were the hottest time of the day and with the appearance of them in the music industry, it was time for change, time for a new generation. In the very beginning, Jaebum had hated Korea, but when he was around these six cheerful, lovable boys, he gradually got used to calling Korea home. But someone dredged up old internet entries of Jaebum insulting Korea and its citizens, people got angry and even created suicide petitions for Jaebum. People wanted Jaebum to leave Korea. The other members didn't, but six people are not strong enough to withstand the pressure and disappointment of the rest of the country and company, so Jaebum quit and left voluntarily. The fans boycotted the company, said they wouldn't support a group without him, but these protests too died down after time ("Everything dies down after time," Jaebum said, and gave a wistful smile). Jaebum got a job at a garage, studied music and took up piano lessons. Jaebum never went back. But Jaebum never forget the rest, never stopped asking how they were and checking up on them for updates. When Jaebum died - a drunk driver had crashed into him one night, a hit-and-run accident -, the entire South Korea was at a loss for what to do. Fans blamed the media and anti-fans for doing this ("if you hadn't chased our oppa away, this would never have happened"), but Jaebum never blamed anyone.
"Everything was my fault," Jaebum said, his hands trembling and his eyes watery, and Junho bit his lower lip, helpless as he watched the disintegration of Jaebum's heart.)
"Chansung-sshi," Junho says politely. "What did you know about Jaebum?"
Chansung widens his eyes and starts coughing; Wooyoung, wearing a concerned look, pushes a glass of water over to the old man.
"Isn't 2PM a little out of your time?" Chansung wants to know, but he smiles nonetheless.
Junho clears his throat, shifts awkwardly. "I just heard about you, so I sort of wanted to know more."
"Jaebum-hyung?" Chansung asks, and Junho nods, eyes fever-bright. "He was the greatest leader anyone could possibly ask for, and the best friend ever. He was always so brilliant and strong and determined, and..."
Junho laughs when Chansung tells him about Jaebum's little pranks, about the ridiculous noises Jaebum would make when he was bored, about the countless of times Jaebum got into trouble.
Junho feels his heart throb a little, because this is the Jaebum he knew and fell in love with.
("He likes you, you know," Jaebum said, bumping Junho's shoulder playfully.
Junho rolled his eyes. "He's my best friend," he said, trying and failing to imagine dating Junsu. Junsu had been his best friend since elementary school, had stuck with him throughout the many years, throughout fights and misunderstandings. Junsu was Junsu, the Best Friend, and would never be more than that. "That would be sick, seriously."
"Heartbreaker," Jaebum said.)
Junho doesn't really want to do this, doesn't really want to fit Jaebum into Wooyoung, doesn't really want to see all their similarities and differences. He knows Jaebum and Wooyoung are two separate people, two different people, but all the same, he cannot unsee the quirk of Jaebum's smile on Wooyoung's face or the same bright spark in Wooyoung's eyes that he'd used to see in Jaebum's.
Junho's not really sure whether he cannot stop or he doesn't want to stop. Because unseeing it all would mean no trace of Jaebum left in this world, nothing left except dull, black-and-white memories of Jaebum's laughter and Jaebum's grin. Because unseeing it all would mean confirmation of what Junho never wanted to believe - that Jaebum was gone, and he would never come back.
So Junho continues pretending, even if it means hurting both him and Wooyoung along the way. Junho's too far gone to realise what this means.
(In a way, Junho had always known it, deep down. Jaebum wasn't a part of this world, Jaebum was meant to move on, and Jaebum will one day leave. But Junho refused to see the signs, refused to register that Jaebum was acting a little weird lately, that he was always furrowing his brows or rubbing at his forehead or shimmering at the edges. Junho refused to see it, so he didn't.
So when Jaebum started to disappear bit by bit, Junho promptly dropped his mug onto the kitchen floor. It shattered, falling to pieces, but Junho just stared and stared and stared at Jaebum.
"You're disappearing," Junho said.
Jaebum glanced down at his non-existent hands. "Oh," he said.
And then he disappeared, leaving Junho -)
Wooyoung's eyes are ice-cold as he looks at Junho. "Stop it," he says. "Stop looking for someone else in me."
Junho's heart stutters a little as he stares right back at Wooyoung. "I'm not," he begins, but they both know whatever Junho says next will be a lie.
"It's like you see right through me, sometimes," Wooyoung says, and his voice cracks, but he is still wearing a smile. Junho bites his lip; he can tell that Wooyoung is putting up a strong front when he is falling apart inside.
"I'm sorry," Junho says. "I'm sorry."
Wooyoung slides his eyes shut and sways a little. "But at the same time, it's like there is some part of me wishing for you to do that. Like I want you to be searching for that someone else in me. Like -"
When Wooyoung falls to the ground, Junho drops to his knees in fear. "Oh my God," he breathes, shaking Wooyoung's shoulders even as his hands start trembling uncontrollably. "Wooyoung!"
Wooyoung grabs at Junho's hand like a hook onto reality. "Junnie," he whispers (Junho's heart jolts so hard it hurts) and then his tight grip on Junho's hand ebbs away.
(- all alone.
Life goes by. Junho hadn't expected time to stop when Jaebum left, but it still came as something of a shock - why was the world still turning when Jaebum wasn't here? They'd gone through so much together; how was Junho expected to live by himself now?
Life goes by, albeit a little slower than usual, a little more difficult. A little more sadness, a little more empty space in the apartment that had always been meant for one from the start.)
When Wooyoung wakes up, he doesn't remember anything that had happened previously. Junho just sits there silently when Wooyoung tells him that, then nods and smiles. After that, Junsu corners him outside Wooyoung's hospital room, eyes blazing and mouth drawn.
Junho flinches when Junsu's grip on his wrist is so tight it hurts, and glares right back. He's been expecting Junsu to yell at him, so he is a little confused when Junsu just sighs and rubs against his eyes, the fire inside cooling.
"Junho," Junsu says. "You know what you're doing, don't you?"
Junho nods, unsure of what Junsu is trying to say. "I do," he says, but it comes out sounding more like a question, and Junsu sighs again.
"You know that Jaebum isn't coming back. You know that Wooyoung isn't Jaebum. You know that you shouldn't hurt Wooyoung by pretending he is someone he isn't."
Junho nods. "I do," he repeats, sounding surer this time, because God, he really does know.
"I believe in you," Junsu tells him, a small smile spreading across his face, and Junho reaches out to lay a hand on his shoulder because there is so much he wants to tell Junsu yet cannot find the words to say; he wants to thank Junsu for being by him all this time, wants to thank Junsu for listening and believing in him, wants to thank Junsu for being the best friend anyone could ever wish for.
Junsu's eyes are strangely bright today as he strides away, and Junho watches him leave before pushing the door to Wooyoung's ward open again. Wooyoung is sleeping, his breathing slow and steady, and Junho goes over to sit beside him, clutching at Wooyoung's hand.
Junho knows that Jaebum isn't coming back. Junho knows that Wooyoung isn't Jaebum. Junho knows that he shouldn't hurt Wooyoung by pretending he is someone he isn't. God, Junho really does know, but that doesn't mean that he can't believe in the impossible. So he sits there and watches Wooyoung sleep, feels the touch of Jaebum's hand against his, sees the flutter of Jaebum's eyelashes against his cheek, listens to Jaebum's heartbeat.