(no subject)
I was so excited for a new year to start but 2017 is pouring over into 2018 and I am not okay with it.
Started an entry like 4 months ago and never came back to it hahahaha WHOOPS.
We've finally slowed down enough at work that I can do random stuff in-between my actual work.
Let's see... last post was back in November of last year.
I'm just going to post whatever I can remember that's worth posting about from the last few months.
I ended up going out to Georgia about mid-way through January for a weekend.
Ryan completely bailed on me.
I felt like an absolute idiot.
Every time I take a leap with a guy, I end up flat on my ass.
The good news is the weekend wasn't a complete waste of my time.
I got to check out the Atlanta Aquarium and Coca Cola World as well as just take in some of Georgia's beautiful scenery which I wasn't able to do the past time I was out there since I was there for work.
I've come to really hate taking risks.
Ryan did message me the night before I was leaving and then I didn't hear from him again for a week.
We talked off and on for a little bit up until about mid-March and then I decided to delete and block him from everything I could.
He became non-responsive, would read everything I sent him and would never respond.
I was at a loss.
I put myself out there as usual and ended up crushed and broken like the last couple of dudes I gave chances to.
I ended up unblocking him from everything not too long ago and he messaged me this past Monday night.
Of course I let it sit there for a few because I wasn't even sure I wanted to respond but maybe just make it apparent that I saw it like he was doing to me.
My curse? I'm just too nice.
He apologized. He told me he got scared. He sent me his address to try and prove that he trust's me. Would have been helpful if I had it back when I went out there so I could at least show up and beat the shit out of him for avoiding me. .sighs.
We've been talking for the past few days but ultimately, it doesn't change anything.
I'm convinced that as much as he wants this (or so he says), he's never going to make the trip out this way.
Whether he understands or just doesn't realize, I'm not going out there again.
I've come to terms with the fact that my standards are high and they are going to remain that way.
The damage doesn't effect me so much these days.
There isn't much left of me to destroy at this point.
Work has been work.
Started looking for a new job about a month or 2 ago but called it quits because I realized I'm not going to find another place that pays for my health insurance and where I luck out with the extra spiff money that comes in at random too.
Do I hate taking phone calls? Yes.
Will I possibly go look for another job down the road still? Yes.
For right now, I'm just going to go with the flow.
I turned 30 years old in February.
Attempted to throw some kind of outing party but most people didn't show so I made the most of it with the people who did.
My cake made by an ex-coworker I worked with at O2 was PERFECT at least!
Minnie Mouse never disappoints :P
After February, I was hoping for some down-time but that never actually came.
Don't get me wrong, I would MUCH rather be busy than bored but sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I lose track of time.
Went off my birth control at the end of March which has made a WORLD of difference in my attitude.
I probably will make sure I never go back on a low dosage ever again, that's for sure.
I figured I wouldn't renew it right now since I'm not really sexually active and I HATE the gyno appointments. HATE them.
My energy has been SUPER low and its probably been because I've been eating so poorly.
I have still been fighting to turn myself around and get back on track with losing weight but that has shown to be an insane challenge.
I got majorly off track in the gym department, got back on track and of course fell off again recently.
I have no plans to QUIT for good and I want to find a routine that works for me.
The eating part will ALWAYS be the hardest part for me.
I have good days and I have bad so there's no consistency which I am really needing big time right now.
A couple of people I worked with at O2 and myself started a May Squat Challenge at the beginning of May and I've actually stuck with it which is amazing because squats were my least favorite thing to do.
My butt has already been looking pretty good from working out SO this hasn't been that rough on me.
My stomach and arms need MAJOR work.
We decided to do an ab challenge for the month of June, interested to see how that goes.
Honestly it's only going to make a difference if I turn my eating around.
I want to work on conquering lunges also, those are my number 1 enemy these days.
The left side of my body is the weakest and it shows.
We are heading into summer so it's getting hot outside which sucks.
At least I have some trips to look forward to in the next few months.
California in June with Brook, Vegas in July with Brook, random camping trip for Brittany's 30th birthday up north in August and Pennsylvania in October for Crystals wedding.
Brook and I have been spending a shit ton of time with each other, or at least trying to as often as possible.
Since her and Cody broke up and we cut Amanda off a few months ago for being a complete piece of shit to both of us, life has definitely gotten MUCH better.
Sure things are still pretty shitty but we are trying to make the most of it.
Our lease is up in either 3 or 4 months, I need to pull out the physical lease and take a look because I am sure we are going to have to give notice here soon.
We took Matthew in for far too long this year, trying to get him cleaned up from drugs and away from Teena for good.
The majority of my stress has come from dealing with family in the past year, year and a half.
He finally moved out last night for good.
We made it clear that he can't come back.
If there is 1 thing I would LOVE to get away from right now, it would be my family.
Don't get me wrong, I love them, I really do.
I didn't expect to have to deal with them as a grown adult though.
Dad has been trying to keep himself busy since he retired in February but I don't think that's been going very well.
Apparently Stephanie will be retiring from State Farm in February of next year, 2019.
That's going to be an awful shit show to have to deal with once that happens.
My ultimate goal is to continue saving money, pay off the damn IRS who I owe like $5000 to right now (UGH I know, I'm the only one to blame), keep travelling and getting out of Arizona and definitely get back to working on myself in the gym.
All I've ever wanted to do is live life and I feel like there's a lot of small, unimportant things holding me back these days.
Every day I consider quitting my job, dumping as many bills as possible and attempting to travel to somewhere new to start over.
Who knows... maybe one of these days I'll actually grow the balls and do so. ;)
< / 3.
Started an entry like 4 months ago and never came back to it hahahaha WHOOPS.
We've finally slowed down enough at work that I can do random stuff in-between my actual work.
Let's see... last post was back in November of last year.
I'm just going to post whatever I can remember that's worth posting about from the last few months.
I ended up going out to Georgia about mid-way through January for a weekend.
Ryan completely bailed on me.
I felt like an absolute idiot.
Every time I take a leap with a guy, I end up flat on my ass.
The good news is the weekend wasn't a complete waste of my time.
I got to check out the Atlanta Aquarium and Coca Cola World as well as just take in some of Georgia's beautiful scenery which I wasn't able to do the past time I was out there since I was there for work.
I've come to really hate taking risks.
Ryan did message me the night before I was leaving and then I didn't hear from him again for a week.
We talked off and on for a little bit up until about mid-March and then I decided to delete and block him from everything I could.
He became non-responsive, would read everything I sent him and would never respond.
I was at a loss.
I put myself out there as usual and ended up crushed and broken like the last couple of dudes I gave chances to.
I ended up unblocking him from everything not too long ago and he messaged me this past Monday night.
Of course I let it sit there for a few because I wasn't even sure I wanted to respond but maybe just make it apparent that I saw it like he was doing to me.
My curse? I'm just too nice.
He apologized. He told me he got scared. He sent me his address to try and prove that he trust's me. Would have been helpful if I had it back when I went out there so I could at least show up and beat the shit out of him for avoiding me. .sighs.
We've been talking for the past few days but ultimately, it doesn't change anything.
I'm convinced that as much as he wants this (or so he says), he's never going to make the trip out this way.
Whether he understands or just doesn't realize, I'm not going out there again.
I've come to terms with the fact that my standards are high and they are going to remain that way.
The damage doesn't effect me so much these days.
There isn't much left of me to destroy at this point.
Work has been work.
Started looking for a new job about a month or 2 ago but called it quits because I realized I'm not going to find another place that pays for my health insurance and where I luck out with the extra spiff money that comes in at random too.
Do I hate taking phone calls? Yes.
Will I possibly go look for another job down the road still? Yes.
For right now, I'm just going to go with the flow.
I turned 30 years old in February.
Attempted to throw some kind of outing party but most people didn't show so I made the most of it with the people who did.
My cake made by an ex-coworker I worked with at O2 was PERFECT at least!
Minnie Mouse never disappoints :P
After February, I was hoping for some down-time but that never actually came.
Don't get me wrong, I would MUCH rather be busy than bored but sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I lose track of time.
Went off my birth control at the end of March which has made a WORLD of difference in my attitude.
I probably will make sure I never go back on a low dosage ever again, that's for sure.
I figured I wouldn't renew it right now since I'm not really sexually active and I HATE the gyno appointments. HATE them.
My energy has been SUPER low and its probably been because I've been eating so poorly.
I have still been fighting to turn myself around and get back on track with losing weight but that has shown to be an insane challenge.
I got majorly off track in the gym department, got back on track and of course fell off again recently.
I have no plans to QUIT for good and I want to find a routine that works for me.
The eating part will ALWAYS be the hardest part for me.
I have good days and I have bad so there's no consistency which I am really needing big time right now.
A couple of people I worked with at O2 and myself started a May Squat Challenge at the beginning of May and I've actually stuck with it which is amazing because squats were my least favorite thing to do.
My butt has already been looking pretty good from working out SO this hasn't been that rough on me.
My stomach and arms need MAJOR work.
We decided to do an ab challenge for the month of June, interested to see how that goes.
Honestly it's only going to make a difference if I turn my eating around.
I want to work on conquering lunges also, those are my number 1 enemy these days.
The left side of my body is the weakest and it shows.
We are heading into summer so it's getting hot outside which sucks.
At least I have some trips to look forward to in the next few months.
California in June with Brook, Vegas in July with Brook, random camping trip for Brittany's 30th birthday up north in August and Pennsylvania in October for Crystals wedding.
Brook and I have been spending a shit ton of time with each other, or at least trying to as often as possible.
Since her and Cody broke up and we cut Amanda off a few months ago for being a complete piece of shit to both of us, life has definitely gotten MUCH better.
Sure things are still pretty shitty but we are trying to make the most of it.
Our lease is up in either 3 or 4 months, I need to pull out the physical lease and take a look because I am sure we are going to have to give notice here soon.
We took Matthew in for far too long this year, trying to get him cleaned up from drugs and away from Teena for good.
The majority of my stress has come from dealing with family in the past year, year and a half.
He finally moved out last night for good.
We made it clear that he can't come back.
If there is 1 thing I would LOVE to get away from right now, it would be my family.
Don't get me wrong, I love them, I really do.
I didn't expect to have to deal with them as a grown adult though.
Dad has been trying to keep himself busy since he retired in February but I don't think that's been going very well.
Apparently Stephanie will be retiring from State Farm in February of next year, 2019.
That's going to be an awful shit show to have to deal with once that happens.
My ultimate goal is to continue saving money, pay off the damn IRS who I owe like $5000 to right now (UGH I know, I'm the only one to blame), keep travelling and getting out of Arizona and definitely get back to working on myself in the gym.
All I've ever wanted to do is live life and I feel like there's a lot of small, unimportant things holding me back these days.
Every day I consider quitting my job, dumping as many bills as possible and attempting to travel to somewhere new to start over.
Who knows... maybe one of these days I'll actually grow the balls and do so. ;)
< / 3.