Just Goes to Shows... [RELAPSE]
I really need to talk more about my issues.
Manny tried to get me to talk today and it sorta worked. He wanted to ask me some personal questions (question I know he tried to get out of Leo) but it wasn't until I got home that depression hit me with full force.
And I was just starting to get better.
I don't want to think about it. I don't. I want to move on from high school and middle school, and well... it's hard having to talk about it...
...
...
...
Anyways... I don't have to wear the dress anymore. Morena broke her end of the deal and committed Taboo. I'm kinda (or was as it should be) miffed that this happened because it does require two people to try and better from a freaking disaster.
But you know, it's only Susana. She doesn't know what it's like, she doesn't understand.
I can hear be said from the both of them. I firmly believe that they are destined to destroy each other, and it's only a matter of time until I'm left alone.
And people wonder why I try to advert it.
Maybe I am being stupid. But I just want them to be happy. To be happy and learn from freaking self control. I'm more dissappointed in the other one, because he knew this was going to happen. He'll probably be "This wouldn't have happened if you didn't ask me to come."
I really hate myself. I feel like I have to start thinking more and more.
How to make them understand what I feel. How to make them happy. Have them do what's right for them.
Leo tells me I shouldn't be worrying over my friends. But I kinda have to because they tend to destroy each other. One says She needs the other for parking (He's not gonna be there for you, you know that, right?) while the other one... while He is the more rational one, I can't help but feel like He doesn't care about Her, or maybe, just maybe, He's that stupid (he's a smart one, yes he is. Damn good actor too.)
Anyways, because they both committed Taboo, I am no longer obligated to wear the dress.
...But I sorta wanted to...
Morena told me something harsh. She gave up on my trying to be girly. While I explained to her I was hoping to wear the dress, I can see why. I just wish she'd notice the things she said.
Like TAO.
No one really knows that I want to go. I really REALLY want to go. But no one invited me, so I feel sorta left out. So far it was only going to be Leo and Morena, but then they invited other people... except me.
Never have they asked, "HEY, SUZY WANT TO COME TO TAO WITH US?"
Hell, my cousin was invited.
Oh, and their reasoning? "Well, we'd invite you, but we know you're not gonna be able to."
Fuck, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't make the offer! At least I would know I was made the offer. I don't need people deciding for me, that I can or can't go (though the majority I know I can't). I don't know. I guess I'm just jealous my two self destructing best friends are gonna be together on New Years day, and they didn't bother to invite me, knowing how I get about being invited to stuff.
I don't want to invite myself. I don't know. I feel hurt and the more I'm reminded of everything that happened in the last couple of days, the more and more depressed I get.
I want to get over this damned thing.
I'm actually starting to sick of it. Literally. At Jack's today I felt sick, and went outside, because I thought I was gonna throw up. I can't right anymore and I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of acting on my stupid thoughts.
I feel like crying.
I wish things were simpler. This is why a relationship seems so unappealing to me. (Ah, I can just hear Leo now... DX ) Yes, yes. I know I shouldn't base it solely on other people's relationships.
But when the majority ends in cheating and separation, one begins to wonder. What will it take?
I guess my biggest mistake is getting involved. I want to stop everything and try to calm myself, because I've already injured myself with my own knife and I suppose one can say I convinced myself it was an accident.
Which brings into another topic...
I decided to train myself. I don't know how or anything, but I need to learn to control this impulse and yearning for self harm.
-Susana
Manny tried to get me to talk today and it sorta worked. He wanted to ask me some personal questions (question I know he tried to get out of Leo) but it wasn't until I got home that depression hit me with full force.
And I was just starting to get better.
I don't want to think about it. I don't. I want to move on from high school and middle school, and well... it's hard having to talk about it...
...
...
...
Anyways... I don't have to wear the dress anymore. Morena broke her end of the deal and committed Taboo. I'm kinda (or was as it should be) miffed that this happened because it does require two people to try and better from a freaking disaster.
But you know, it's only Susana. She doesn't know what it's like, she doesn't understand.
I can hear be said from the both of them. I firmly believe that they are destined to destroy each other, and it's only a matter of time until I'm left alone.
And people wonder why I try to advert it.
Maybe I am being stupid. But I just want them to be happy. To be happy and learn from freaking self control. I'm more dissappointed in the other one, because he knew this was going to happen. He'll probably be "This wouldn't have happened if you didn't ask me to come."
I really hate myself. I feel like I have to start thinking more and more.
How to make them understand what I feel. How to make them happy. Have them do what's right for them.
Leo tells me I shouldn't be worrying over my friends. But I kinda have to because they tend to destroy each other. One says She needs the other for parking (He's not gonna be there for you, you know that, right?) while the other one... while He is the more rational one, I can't help but feel like He doesn't care about Her, or maybe, just maybe, He's that stupid (he's a smart one, yes he is. Damn good actor too.)
Anyways, because they both committed Taboo, I am no longer obligated to wear the dress.
...But I sorta wanted to...
Morena told me something harsh. She gave up on my trying to be girly. While I explained to her I was hoping to wear the dress, I can see why. I just wish she'd notice the things she said.
Like TAO.
No one really knows that I want to go. I really REALLY want to go. But no one invited me, so I feel sorta left out. So far it was only going to be Leo and Morena, but then they invited other people... except me.
Never have they asked, "HEY, SUZY WANT TO COME TO TAO WITH US?"
Hell, my cousin was invited.
Oh, and their reasoning? "Well, we'd invite you, but we know you're not gonna be able to."
Fuck, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't make the offer! At least I would know I was made the offer. I don't need people deciding for me, that I can or can't go (though the majority I know I can't). I don't know. I guess I'm just jealous my two self destructing best friends are gonna be together on New Years day, and they didn't bother to invite me, knowing how I get about being invited to stuff.
I don't want to invite myself. I don't know. I feel hurt and the more I'm reminded of everything that happened in the last couple of days, the more and more depressed I get.
I want to get over this damned thing.
I'm actually starting to sick of it. Literally. At Jack's today I felt sick, and went outside, because I thought I was gonna throw up. I can't right anymore and I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of acting on my stupid thoughts.
I feel like crying.
I wish things were simpler. This is why a relationship seems so unappealing to me. (Ah, I can just hear Leo now... DX ) Yes, yes. I know I shouldn't base it solely on other people's relationships.
But when the majority ends in cheating and separation, one begins to wonder. What will it take?
I guess my biggest mistake is getting involved. I want to stop everything and try to calm myself, because I've already injured myself with my own knife and I suppose one can say I convinced myself it was an accident.
Which brings into another topic...
I decided to train myself. I don't know how or anything, but I need to learn to control this impulse and yearning for self harm.
-Susana