(no subject)
I recently encountered a dilemma of great proportions. Every man, during the course of a day, needs a role model. Someone that they can think of, and say "I need to live up to that man's standard." Of course, most of us fail miserably as we try to attain that goal. But reach for the stars, I suppose. Anyway. You see, my problem was that I realized I could no longer throw my full support behind one candidate for supreme Alpha male-ness. I am torn between which figure I should consider to be best, and try to live up to. That can't happen. Each male has to have their own idol, that they throw their full support behind. Now, it doesn't have to be the same idol, but the full weight and authority of their manhood has to be behind the decision. Casey, drawing a name out of the air, might prefer something like ULTIMEN, wheras others might prefer tradition figures, like Batman, or Superman.
I, however, cannot choose between three. On the one hand, we have James Bond. Dashing and debonair, no woman can resist his wit and charm. That's when he has time for women. Mostly he's beating the shit out of the Russian army with his PP7 (which does lose him points, actually, as it turns out the gun is in reality a woman's weapon.) and commandeered soviet tanks. In Soviet Russia, car drives you. With his plethora of awesome gadgets that can do everything from remotely drive a car, to making women instantly orgasm, Bond is one of my top pics.
Then we have Dr. Jones. Not only does Indiana dabble in the most interesting of subjects, history, but he constantly has sex and kills Nazis while doing it. He also shirks his boring duties and responsibilities, ie teaching and grading papers, in favor of more intriguing and better selling ones, like sex and killing. Thatta boy, Indy. He doesn't use the cool gadgets like Bond, but he more than makes up for it I think. He has that old fashioned whip he does everything with, and when he needs to fight Nazis, he doesn't teleport them to jail or some shit using Q's latest gadget...no, he punches them in the face until they stop moving. And I think he punches them even more, when the camera isn't focused on him. Let's not forget the sex. Dr. Jones has lots of sex with women he's never met, doing us all proud.
Before I move onto my next hero, I just connected some dots. A lot of the woman Bond sleeps with turn out to be enemy agents. A lot of the women Indiana sleeps with turn out to be enemy agents. The moral of the story? Women will always backstab you, so fuck 'em while you have the chance.
Moving on, Sam Fisher will always have a place in my heart. He's not as conventional as the previous two men, in that he's relatively new, and not many people will know about him. The enlightened few, however, know that even though he has no sex, and in in fact married and has a child, he is still a great man. One of the things that makes him so great is that you can actually be Sam Fisher using the video game. Rappelling down the side of a building to smash through a pane of glass and execute the General inside gets a man off faster than a hooker ever could, no matter how good at hand jobs she says she is. There's something very satisfying about snapping a man's neck after telling him the good news was that you saved a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico.
It will be really hard for me to settle and pick one of these greats...It would be nice if I could combine all three, into some sort of Alpha-male superhuman. After watching a video with Dr. Indiana James Fisher, however, I think nothing would be quite as beautiful.
As a result, I suspect that myself, along with hundreds of thousands of other men, would be inclined to gouge their own eyes out, since nothing like the combined power of those three men would ever be approachable in beauty or grace. He would be able to bring Soviet Germany and Nazi Russia to their knees, simply by announcing his presence. No...no, it is best we not consider things that are too good to be true.
I suspect I will have a hard time deciding which I should support, but I will pick one. And it will be a sad day, because when I choose one over the others, a little bit of myself will die.