(no subject)
I want my dad to be healthy again.
This is getting so, so hard. It's harder every day. I'm watching him waste away and I can't stand it. I can't stand being completely helpless to help him. I want to make him better.
I want my dad back.
I never thought I'd miss his horrible humor or the way he mercilessly teases me sometimes. I actually miss the fact that he doesn't refer to my 'muchness' anymore. I miss DOING things with him. I miss my daddy. I miss the man who didn't show much emotion but was always there to lend a hand.
Some days he doesn't get out of bed. He can't even stand up on his own anymore. He's so doped up on drugs, he can't even maintain a single coherent thought. He's so out of it, half the time he doesn't know what we're saying. He speaks so softly half the time I can't even hear him.
Every time I hear a loud bang or a gasp or anything, my heart beats faster and my mind jumps to the worst conclusions. We're all on edge and we're all terrified. He slept all day today and my mom kept going in to make sure he was still breathing.
And I HATE going to work and pretending my life is normal and happy, that nothing is wrong. I HATE that I've shut myself away because of this, because I'm afraid people will think I'm just attention-mongering when I want to talk about it or explain why I've been so absent. I hate not being able to cry in front of my mom because I don't want her to worry anymore. I hate not being able to talk to my sister about it because I can't handle someone else crying.
I want my daddy back.
This is getting so, so hard. It's harder every day. I'm watching him waste away and I can't stand it. I can't stand being completely helpless to help him. I want to make him better.
I want my dad back.
I never thought I'd miss his horrible humor or the way he mercilessly teases me sometimes. I actually miss the fact that he doesn't refer to my 'muchness' anymore. I miss DOING things with him. I miss my daddy. I miss the man who didn't show much emotion but was always there to lend a hand.
Some days he doesn't get out of bed. He can't even stand up on his own anymore. He's so doped up on drugs, he can't even maintain a single coherent thought. He's so out of it, half the time he doesn't know what we're saying. He speaks so softly half the time I can't even hear him.
Every time I hear a loud bang or a gasp or anything, my heart beats faster and my mind jumps to the worst conclusions. We're all on edge and we're all terrified. He slept all day today and my mom kept going in to make sure he was still breathing.
And I HATE going to work and pretending my life is normal and happy, that nothing is wrong. I HATE that I've shut myself away because of this, because I'm afraid people will think I'm just attention-mongering when I want to talk about it or explain why I've been so absent. I hate not being able to cry in front of my mom because I don't want her to worry anymore. I hate not being able to talk to my sister about it because I can't handle someone else crying.
I want my daddy back.