(no subject)
Why is it always the TINIEST things that set you off? Like, yeah, you've had a pretty blah, maybe slightly crappy day all around, but you're doing okay until wham. There's no ice cream when you want it. Someone drank the last soda. Your favorite pencil broke. You spilled some juice. Whatever.
And it's like this wave of misery comes crashing down on you, even though you were fine before this tiny, insignificant thing happened.
I've been pretty happy this past week, but today was just... stressorama. I had to take Ophelia back to the vet for a followup on our last appointment, found out the antibiotics she was taking didn't work (surprise, she's been taking the same antibiotics for like, six different infections. Of course they're not going to work anymore.) So I ended up dropped $90 on ANOTHER exam and MORE pills. $90 I don't fucking have. In fact, I literally have zero money. Everything is on my credit card.
And all of these bills just keep piling up. My phone bill came in and it's something like $20 over the usual amount and just, wtf. I have to get my registration renewed and because of some fucking dickbag photoradar, I have an outstanding ticket to pay off (btw, I WASN'T speeding. I meant to contest it, but uh, shit happened and I didn't really have the time to go fight with a bunch of douches.)
I don't usually worry about money. Or at least, I try really hard not to. It's just money, right? It comes and goes and that's life and sometimes you go through a lot more of it than other times. But on top of everything else right now, it's just so stressful. Worrying about how the fuck I'm going to pay my bills, pay my parents back (considering it's been three months since Disneyland, they're being really great about me paying back my plane ticket... But uh, five hundred dollars still left owing there.) and God knows whatever else Ophelia will do to me. She has to go back for another damn visit this week and who knows how much they'll charge me for that.
I LITERALLY cannot count on two hands the amount of times I've been to the vet (and only ONE visit didn't cost me anything.) So, basically $120 per visit, plus the $850 for her surgery, I have spent over $2000 on Ophelia's vet costs alone in the past two months. I don't even know how I managed to pull that money out of my ass, but somehow I did it. But I can't afford to keep going on like this.
And yeah, the obvious choice would be to go out and get a damn job - but I don't even have TIME for a job. I'm too busy babysitting my niece, or running to the vet, or making sure the chores are done because my parents don't have time for that crap anymore, or picking up groceries (half the time with my money, also.) and trying to squeeze in a little time for me. I'm too fucking dependable or something. I wish I could be like my brother, who just bails out and does whatever the hell he wants whenever the hell he wants. Sure, he pisses off the parents a lot and my sister basically hates him, but at least he's not struggling to hold himself and everyone else together.
And let's not forget that I'm not qualified for anything that actually pays me what I need. But go to school to get my high school diploma? Go to college or university so that maybe I'll have something that people like to see when hiring? I don't have the money and I definitely don't have the time.
I know everyone's life sucks to a certain degree and I'm not some special snowflake, but it is so wrong to want ONE good thing happen? Just fucking ONE. I can't even enjoy a night out with friends to the fullest because a mild cold is enough to knock me around and give me a horribly painful sinus infection. I'm just so tired. And while everyone is always saying that I'm doing good things and they appreciate everything I do, is it wrong to want SOMETHING from that besides just words? I feel like I'm being hideously selfish, or trying to make it seem like I'm this great person with this horrible tragic life, and I don't want to seem that way. But that's really the attitude that always gets me into these messes.
I don't want to make people mad. I don't want to disappoint a single soul in the world. I don't want to let someone in need go without just because I want a break. So I bend over backwards for everyone, everywhere who ever asked something from me. And I hate it, I feel used constantly and stressed out for no GOOD reason. But will I change? No. Will I stop whining about this crap? No, because I'm a giant crybaby.
And all of this came about because... there was no fucking ice cream.
Well, that and my computer crashed for the first time ever and I lost six hours worth of Photoshop work. It wasn't anything important, but I just kind of stared at my screen in horror because my hand was literally aching from how much I'd done. And I was proud of it. And now it's gone forever in that infinite black hole of lost data. Even when I take a break on Saturday and do something I love, my computer decides to fuck with me.
It's a good thing I don't have a gun. I'd probably shoot my computer. And then I'd have to buy a new one. And my uncle wants to teach me how to use a rifle? IS HE CRAZY? Possibly. (I still don't understand why both my Uncle and my Dad keep insisting that I learn to use a gun. Not my brother or my sister, but specifically me. It's really weird. Especially when they said I had no choice when I told them guns freak me out and I don't even want to touch one...)
Ugh and then I read some rape apologist shit that brought up memories of what happened last October and I just want to beat my head into the wall. Why do I even fucking do this to myself?
And now I'm off to go find ice cream. Because dammit, I fucking need it. I don't care if I have to drive an hour into town just to get it.
And it's like this wave of misery comes crashing down on you, even though you were fine before this tiny, insignificant thing happened.
I've been pretty happy this past week, but today was just... stressorama. I had to take Ophelia back to the vet for a followup on our last appointment, found out the antibiotics she was taking didn't work (surprise, she's been taking the same antibiotics for like, six different infections. Of course they're not going to work anymore.) So I ended up dropped $90 on ANOTHER exam and MORE pills. $90 I don't fucking have. In fact, I literally have zero money. Everything is on my credit card.
And all of these bills just keep piling up. My phone bill came in and it's something like $20 over the usual amount and just, wtf. I have to get my registration renewed and because of some fucking dickbag photoradar, I have an outstanding ticket to pay off (btw, I WASN'T speeding. I meant to contest it, but uh, shit happened and I didn't really have the time to go fight with a bunch of douches.)
I don't usually worry about money. Or at least, I try really hard not to. It's just money, right? It comes and goes and that's life and sometimes you go through a lot more of it than other times. But on top of everything else right now, it's just so stressful. Worrying about how the fuck I'm going to pay my bills, pay my parents back (considering it's been three months since Disneyland, they're being really great about me paying back my plane ticket... But uh, five hundred dollars still left owing there.) and God knows whatever else Ophelia will do to me. She has to go back for another damn visit this week and who knows how much they'll charge me for that.
I LITERALLY cannot count on two hands the amount of times I've been to the vet (and only ONE visit didn't cost me anything.) So, basically $120 per visit, plus the $850 for her surgery, I have spent over $2000 on Ophelia's vet costs alone in the past two months. I don't even know how I managed to pull that money out of my ass, but somehow I did it. But I can't afford to keep going on like this.
And yeah, the obvious choice would be to go out and get a damn job - but I don't even have TIME for a job. I'm too busy babysitting my niece, or running to the vet, or making sure the chores are done because my parents don't have time for that crap anymore, or picking up groceries (half the time with my money, also.) and trying to squeeze in a little time for me. I'm too fucking dependable or something. I wish I could be like my brother, who just bails out and does whatever the hell he wants whenever the hell he wants. Sure, he pisses off the parents a lot and my sister basically hates him, but at least he's not struggling to hold himself and everyone else together.
And let's not forget that I'm not qualified for anything that actually pays me what I need. But go to school to get my high school diploma? Go to college or university so that maybe I'll have something that people like to see when hiring? I don't have the money and I definitely don't have the time.
I know everyone's life sucks to a certain degree and I'm not some special snowflake, but it is so wrong to want ONE good thing happen? Just fucking ONE. I can't even enjoy a night out with friends to the fullest because a mild cold is enough to knock me around and give me a horribly painful sinus infection. I'm just so tired. And while everyone is always saying that I'm doing good things and they appreciate everything I do, is it wrong to want SOMETHING from that besides just words? I feel like I'm being hideously selfish, or trying to make it seem like I'm this great person with this horrible tragic life, and I don't want to seem that way. But that's really the attitude that always gets me into these messes.
I don't want to make people mad. I don't want to disappoint a single soul in the world. I don't want to let someone in need go without just because I want a break. So I bend over backwards for everyone, everywhere who ever asked something from me. And I hate it, I feel used constantly and stressed out for no GOOD reason. But will I change? No. Will I stop whining about this crap? No, because I'm a giant crybaby.
And all of this came about because... there was no fucking ice cream.
Well, that and my computer crashed for the first time ever and I lost six hours worth of Photoshop work. It wasn't anything important, but I just kind of stared at my screen in horror because my hand was literally aching from how much I'd done. And I was proud of it. And now it's gone forever in that infinite black hole of lost data. Even when I take a break on Saturday and do something I love, my computer decides to fuck with me.
It's a good thing I don't have a gun. I'd probably shoot my computer. And then I'd have to buy a new one. And my uncle wants to teach me how to use a rifle? IS HE CRAZY? Possibly. (I still don't understand why both my Uncle and my Dad keep insisting that I learn to use a gun. Not my brother or my sister, but specifically me. It's really weird. Especially when they said I had no choice when I told them guns freak me out and I don't even want to touch one...)
Ugh and then I read some rape apologist shit that brought up memories of what happened last October and I just want to beat my head into the wall. Why do I even fucking do this to myself?
And now I'm off to go find ice cream. Because dammit, I fucking need it. I don't care if I have to drive an hour into town just to get it.