(no subject)
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
OMG RAGE SO HARD RIGHT NOW.
I just got a facebook message from Kevin. I haven't spoken to him in over two years. And just his name in my inbox is enough to make me want to throw a computer screen. Seriously, I think my blood pressure just jumped.
I haven't even read the message yet, but I want to drive a baseball bat into his kneecaps.
...
Now that I've read it, I want to run him over in a humvee and then stomp on his remains with cleats.
Despite my rage, I feel sort of... triumphant. Like I've won the game. BUT THERE IS NO GAME. I want to tell him how big of a dick he was, how I'm TOTALLY super happy without him! How I'm SO SO glad he broke up with me, because fuck do I not want to be in that relationship (honestly.)
But I don't want to seem like a complete bitch. That's just not... me.
Dean says to tell him that I've moved on and that he should stop living in the past. But... I don't think that would satisfy my need to... one up him. I'm so awful, I want to tell him I'm engaged or something, even though I'm alone (and lonely. Sigh.) At the same time, I want to dump all my horrible emotions and make him feel SUPER GUILTY for what he did to me.
But I know I shouldn't. I'd regret it. Or something. I can't even think about what I want to write him now, because my mind is just... I never expected him to contact me. He was the one who broke it off. I secretly always wished he would come grovelling back, and naturally I thought about what I'd do... But I never thought it would actually HAPPEN.
Then again, he seriously can't get a girlfriend to save his life, it was a fucking fluke (and low self-esteem) that I ended up with him. Gyaaaaaah.
Is it cruel of me to want to tell him that what I've been up to is taking care of a fourteen month old and cleverly not mention it's my sister's kid? Oh God, all I can think of saying are these horrible things that will no doubt make me look crazy. Which is why I'm not responding. Not until I can rationally think this through. Even if my fingers are itching to tell him to go fuck himself.
OMG, how bad do I want to say, "What's the matter? Couldn't find a girl Mommy and Daddy approve of?" I'm literally biting my fingernails here.
Why does this make me happy and angry and nervous all at once? And despite all this, WHY AM I EVEN HAVING THOUGHTS OF RECONCILING, WHICH WOULD BE THE DUMBEST OF DUMB THINGS EVER.
I guess when someone asks you to marry them, and you expect that will actually happen, you never really get over them. Especially when it feels like you're never going to find someone that's actually good for you. But at least I know my family and friends would never let me stoop that low (I'm still pissed my family kept it from me until after we broke up that they all HATED HIM. Thanks, guys. I guess it's only fair, his family hated me.)
I need my pookie right now, because I think I'm losing it. I'm so... so... happy. At least there's someone out there who wants me... and will never have me! Muahahaha! >:D
What would you do? Is there even a rational thing to do in this situation?
OMG RAGE SO HARD RIGHT NOW.
I just got a facebook message from Kevin. I haven't spoken to him in over two years. And just his name in my inbox is enough to make me want to throw a computer screen. Seriously, I think my blood pressure just jumped.
I haven't even read the message yet, but I want to drive a baseball bat into his kneecaps.
...
Now that I've read it, I want to run him over in a humvee and then stomp on his remains with cleats.
Despite my rage, I feel sort of... triumphant. Like I've won the game. BUT THERE IS NO GAME. I want to tell him how big of a dick he was, how I'm TOTALLY super happy without him! How I'm SO SO glad he broke up with me, because fuck do I not want to be in that relationship (honestly.)
But I don't want to seem like a complete bitch. That's just not... me.
Dean says to tell him that I've moved on and that he should stop living in the past. But... I don't think that would satisfy my need to... one up him. I'm so awful, I want to tell him I'm engaged or something, even though I'm alone (and lonely. Sigh.) At the same time, I want to dump all my horrible emotions and make him feel SUPER GUILTY for what he did to me.
But I know I shouldn't. I'd regret it. Or something. I can't even think about what I want to write him now, because my mind is just... I never expected him to contact me. He was the one who broke it off. I secretly always wished he would come grovelling back, and naturally I thought about what I'd do... But I never thought it would actually HAPPEN.
Then again, he seriously can't get a girlfriend to save his life, it was a fucking fluke (and low self-esteem) that I ended up with him. Gyaaaaaah.
Is it cruel of me to want to tell him that what I've been up to is taking care of a fourteen month old and cleverly not mention it's my sister's kid? Oh God, all I can think of saying are these horrible things that will no doubt make me look crazy. Which is why I'm not responding. Not until I can rationally think this through. Even if my fingers are itching to tell him to go fuck himself.
OMG, how bad do I want to say, "What's the matter? Couldn't find a girl Mommy and Daddy approve of?" I'm literally biting my fingernails here.
Why does this make me happy and angry and nervous all at once? And despite all this, WHY AM I EVEN HAVING THOUGHTS OF RECONCILING, WHICH WOULD BE THE DUMBEST OF DUMB THINGS EVER.
I guess when someone asks you to marry them, and you expect that will actually happen, you never really get over them. Especially when it feels like you're never going to find someone that's actually good for you. But at least I know my family and friends would never let me stoop that low (I'm still pissed my family kept it from me until after we broke up that they all HATED HIM. Thanks, guys. I guess it's only fair, his family hated me.)
I need my pookie right now, because I think I'm losing it. I'm so... so... happy. At least there's someone out there who wants me... and will never have me! Muahahaha! >:D
What would you do? Is there even a rational thing to do in this situation?