February 26th 2004
[protected post] sadness @ 01:47 am
I am talking to Chris right now, and it's sad. Not us talking, but what we are talking about. And this is not to offend teh crew, or hell, even ultra stupid (who was not part of it yet) or well, basically any of Chris's extended crew. We were talking about 80s night and how it is majorly lacking from two years ago. 2 years ago is when it used to be just Chris and I going, and we would see our respective friends (many of which do NOT live here anymore) and dance, and laugh, and, it was just happier. Not that im unhappy but its hard to explain. It was much simpler then. Pretentiousness was not in the air. people who went there went there because they loved it, and not because it was some hip thing to do. It didnt matter what you looked like, and still today it doesnt, but it does, you see the clones of everyone. It wasn't about making out, or meeting people, or schemes(which hey, I do love) it was just about having fun. Like I can't even put it into words. Maybe it's because I used to not have class (hah class how i remember thee) the next day and could drink and be merry and not care. Maybe its because I was meeting new people thru Chris. Or most likely it was because I had a crush on Chris and that whole weird situation of "what are we" was always there. But there was something in the air that screamed "excitement" and this carried thru for a while (the 80s nights being the most fun time ever for me), I think the height of my best times at 80s night was when my "crew" (not to be confused with "THE CREW") was Myself, Chris, John, Mike (eventho i hate him), Alf, and Patrick. It would just be insane amounts of fun.
Like I live in Chris's old place, and before when Chris lived here we would all come over here and drink before upstairs in the living room and laugh and watch Trigger Happy TV, and make jokes that we knew. I guess maybe cause we used to be all close and now look at us:
Chris has a gf now and lives back at home.
Patrick moved back to NY
Mike--well who cares as I said I dont care for Mike
John--Drama in itself what went down between us, how the innocent makeout, turned to not so innocent makeout, how it turned out into confessions of love, and how he has a gf
Alf--well I slept with him
and obviously dear readers you know me.
Not that Im totally dissin my girl crew, cause I have fun too. I like being able to go out with them there, check out boys, scheme for boys, dance it up with them, and hang with them too. But I truly miss my old boy crew.
It was just us, no "im bringing a friend" no "im having a party" (LET ME REITERATE I DO NOT MIND THIS AT ALL IM JUST BEING NOSTALGIC) it was US. Just US. And whomever said boys and girls cannot be friends was dumb. So we all liked eachother prolly at one point, so what? It did not stop our friendships with eachother.
I think I am just so sad because I know things can never go back to how they were with them. They dont even hang out much together anymore. We all just got busy and got jobs. Some stopped going, I was the first one to stop going with them, cause i needed major girl time. Then Mike stopped going, for reasons unknown (since i hate him and dont care). Then Alf stopped going as often. Patrick moved. John always went though, for a while there I was closer to John than any of them because he was always a constant...but talking to Chris tonight made me realize that he is the one Im closest with, he is the one I could tell anything too.
And I really cannot believe how sad I am about this.
And I really can't believe that I miss Chris, not in the crush way, but as the friend way, so much now. I mean, I still talk to him at 80s but I havent had a good convo with him in forever. Like tonight. A good SOBER convo. A convo lasting more than 10 minutes. It's funny, sometimes you do not realize how close you are to a person til you really talk to them.
But I wouldn't give up the girls for anything. I guess I just moved onto a different phase of my life. 80s won't ever be the same as it used to be to me, but that doesn't make it bad. , just different...and I hear different is good, but as we should know by now:
I hate change.
I must be hormonal or there is a full moon because I keep flipping moods so fast lately.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Ah I wonder what Chris is up to, probably a nice low key life. Its always weird when I think of the low key people from the past and wonder what they are up to, its probably a nice normal life. Though I wish I did know but sometimes, as stated numerous times, I like the idea of the past to be frozen so that reality doesnt destroy dreams.
This was a slightly loaded entry. I mean I remember feeling the feels and being like "what has changed" what changed was everyone and everything and also it wasnt shiny and new anymore. Granted I also used to go to 80s night pre-Chris but he actually got me to go out and have fun, which is also why I probably was so emo about this; after Matt I just numbed myself and stayed with my friends, never trying to do anything new, just finding solace in creature comforts but Chris pushed me out of my comfort zone and then I was just a trainwreck; obviously not his point but alas it made me grow more and for that I am grateful eternally. This time period was one of those growing periods of my life for sure, I can see it and i did grow from it. Other points are when I left Pittsburgh but decided I didnt like where my life was going so moved to Seattle. Then a year prior to meeting Paul was another growing period. And currently now I am in the midst of one, mainly with not being an asshole but also taking steps to futher my career and actually get the recognition of all the hard work that I have done (not only job wise but being a decent person wise). I still want to destroy my life though, I mean I am always on that metaphorical fence about just upping and leaving everything to start again, which I mean I am at a point in my life where I know this is NOT the smart thing, but oooh I do want to do it so badly more often than not. Not cause I hate my life. Not cause my life isnt going anywhere. Not cause I dont see my life going anywhere, simply because I am just in a routine, a routine that I am just bored of. I will keep throwing myself into things here and there just to get a new lease on life for a bit though! Ill make it more interesting and not just new and struggling. For now at least. I guarantee NOTHING.
I kind of wish I could pause my drum lessons for a bit, only because I am so stressed and busy with work that I dont have time to practice. If I pause, I essentially quit, and give up my teacher (the only one whom I have worked with that I feel I connect to) and my time slot (Ideal!) so I will keep going but I am being transparent that for the next few weeks I am not going to have much time or energy to even put into practicing. Que sera sera. Also it holds me accountable on continuing my lessons, which I;d like to think i'd repick up on but who knows.
Currently I have no Etsy orders but I had a Sunday fucking full of them (8!) so I am content on not doing that, but i do need to prep coffee and take a bath. I am NOT making dinner tonight as I am exhausted, my anxiety kept me up most of the night, hooray, but I'll sleep well tonight and tomorrow I have a meeting, a student shadowing me, and more training? Gah
Alright I really should get on this to do list since i hope Paul is coming home soon, if not, I am attacking that left over orange chicken and going to bed at like 7PM
xoxox
jenn
I am talking to Chris right now, and it's sad. Not us talking, but what we are talking about. And this is not to offend teh crew, or hell, even ultra stupid (who was not part of it yet) or well, basically any of Chris's extended crew. We were talking about 80s night and how it is majorly lacking from two years ago. 2 years ago is when it used to be just Chris and I going, and we would see our respective friends (many of which do NOT live here anymore) and dance, and laugh, and, it was just happier. Not that im unhappy but its hard to explain. It was much simpler then. Pretentiousness was not in the air. people who went there went there because they loved it, and not because it was some hip thing to do. It didnt matter what you looked like, and still today it doesnt, but it does, you see the clones of everyone. It wasn't about making out, or meeting people, or schemes(which hey, I do love) it was just about having fun. Like I can't even put it into words. Maybe it's because I used to not have class (hah class how i remember thee) the next day and could drink and be merry and not care. Maybe its because I was meeting new people thru Chris. Or most likely it was because I had a crush on Chris and that whole weird situation of "what are we" was always there. But there was something in the air that screamed "excitement" and this carried thru for a while (the 80s nights being the most fun time ever for me), I think the height of my best times at 80s night was when my "crew" (not to be confused with "THE CREW") was Myself, Chris, John, Mike (eventho i hate him), Alf, and Patrick. It would just be insane amounts of fun.
Like I live in Chris's old place, and before when Chris lived here we would all come over here and drink before upstairs in the living room and laugh and watch Trigger Happy TV, and make jokes that we knew. I guess maybe cause we used to be all close and now look at us:
Chris has a gf now and lives back at home.
Patrick moved back to NY
Mike--well who cares as I said I dont care for Mike
John--Drama in itself what went down between us, how the innocent makeout, turned to not so innocent makeout, how it turned out into confessions of love, and how he has a gf
Alf--well I slept with him
and obviously dear readers you know me.
Not that Im totally dissin my girl crew, cause I have fun too. I like being able to go out with them there, check out boys, scheme for boys, dance it up with them, and hang with them too. But I truly miss my old boy crew.
It was just us, no "im bringing a friend" no "im having a party" (LET ME REITERATE I DO NOT MIND THIS AT ALL IM JUST BEING NOSTALGIC) it was US. Just US. And whomever said boys and girls cannot be friends was dumb. So we all liked eachother prolly at one point, so what? It did not stop our friendships with eachother.
I think I am just so sad because I know things can never go back to how they were with them. They dont even hang out much together anymore. We all just got busy and got jobs. Some stopped going, I was the first one to stop going with them, cause i needed major girl time. Then Mike stopped going, for reasons unknown (since i hate him and dont care). Then Alf stopped going as often. Patrick moved. John always went though, for a while there I was closer to John than any of them because he was always a constant...but talking to Chris tonight made me realize that he is the one Im closest with, he is the one I could tell anything too.
And I really cannot believe how sad I am about this.
And I really can't believe that I miss Chris, not in the crush way, but as the friend way, so much now. I mean, I still talk to him at 80s but I havent had a good convo with him in forever. Like tonight. A good SOBER convo. A convo lasting more than 10 minutes. It's funny, sometimes you do not realize how close you are to a person til you really talk to them.
But I wouldn't give up the girls for anything. I guess I just moved onto a different phase of my life. 80s won't ever be the same as it used to be to me, but that doesn't make it bad. , just different...and I hear different is good, but as we should know by now:
I hate change.
I must be hormonal or there is a full moon because I keep flipping moods so fast lately.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Ah I wonder what Chris is up to, probably a nice low key life. Its always weird when I think of the low key people from the past and wonder what they are up to, its probably a nice normal life. Though I wish I did know but sometimes, as stated numerous times, I like the idea of the past to be frozen so that reality doesnt destroy dreams.
This was a slightly loaded entry. I mean I remember feeling the feels and being like "what has changed" what changed was everyone and everything and also it wasnt shiny and new anymore. Granted I also used to go to 80s night pre-Chris but he actually got me to go out and have fun, which is also why I probably was so emo about this; after Matt I just numbed myself and stayed with my friends, never trying to do anything new, just finding solace in creature comforts but Chris pushed me out of my comfort zone and then I was just a trainwreck; obviously not his point but alas it made me grow more and for that I am grateful eternally. This time period was one of those growing periods of my life for sure, I can see it and i did grow from it. Other points are when I left Pittsburgh but decided I didnt like where my life was going so moved to Seattle. Then a year prior to meeting Paul was another growing period. And currently now I am in the midst of one, mainly with not being an asshole but also taking steps to futher my career and actually get the recognition of all the hard work that I have done (not only job wise but being a decent person wise). I still want to destroy my life though, I mean I am always on that metaphorical fence about just upping and leaving everything to start again, which I mean I am at a point in my life where I know this is NOT the smart thing, but oooh I do want to do it so badly more often than not. Not cause I hate my life. Not cause my life isnt going anywhere. Not cause I dont see my life going anywhere, simply because I am just in a routine, a routine that I am just bored of. I will keep throwing myself into things here and there just to get a new lease on life for a bit though! Ill make it more interesting and not just new and struggling. For now at least. I guarantee NOTHING.
I kind of wish I could pause my drum lessons for a bit, only because I am so stressed and busy with work that I dont have time to practice. If I pause, I essentially quit, and give up my teacher (the only one whom I have worked with that I feel I connect to) and my time slot (Ideal!) so I will keep going but I am being transparent that for the next few weeks I am not going to have much time or energy to even put into practicing. Que sera sera. Also it holds me accountable on continuing my lessons, which I;d like to think i'd repick up on but who knows.
Currently I have no Etsy orders but I had a Sunday fucking full of them (8!) so I am content on not doing that, but i do need to prep coffee and take a bath. I am NOT making dinner tonight as I am exhausted, my anxiety kept me up most of the night, hooray, but I'll sleep well tonight and tomorrow I have a meeting, a student shadowing me, and more training? Gah
Alright I really should get on this to do list since i hope Paul is coming home soon, if not, I am attacking that left over orange chicken and going to bed at like 7PM
xoxox
jenn