(no subject)
last night was the POPs concert at the high school. i sat behind my money box the whole time selling baked goods, and we made an ok penny. not great, but ok. Afterwards, Mike and i went to Terri's to watch Star Wars and we all pretty much fell asleep. then i went home at 11.
Today, i was spose to get together with Terri to finish watching the movies and go see the new star wars. Mom decided that wasnt going to happen. She didnt give me a reason. Unfortunately, i cant ask for one either because that would provoke an arguement which wouldnt exactly be good for her, or in that case, good for me, because she'd hate me the rest of the day. Anywho, that was, what i supposed, the climax of my day, and it was 9:15. However, i was very wrong. I have about twenty errands i need to run for various unannouncable reasons and they happen to be very important. three of which included job applications. when i asked dad if he could take me, his exact response was "bridget, im risking anger by saying this, but my focus is on your mother and your brother today." I kinda wish i'd have gotten that notice further in advance, so i wouldnt have planned my entire day around a car. He complains he doesnt get to spend enough time with us, and when i need him, i cant have him because hes already "booked up". Fuck it, i dont care anymore. Im sick of trying to keep him a part of my life. it doesnt work anymore. its all up to him now. if he wants to be part of my life, he better work for it. im not a rental daughter. im not going to be there at his conveinience. and i know this all sounds a tad drastic. i really do. but today was the last straw. He was the only one i could go to to talk about my mom. the only one who really understood. Hes going through the same thing. I just wish he would make time for me.
Im afraid. I wouldnt generally say some of this stuff here. im not that open. but im afraid. im really afraid im slipping into my moms depression. i hide in my room, im losing weight, everything upsets me, i feel like nobody's on my side and my self esteem is so low. Im afraid im losing you. losing you quickly, because of the state im in. Im holding on as tightly as i can. Please dont let me slip away.
Today, i was spose to get together with Terri to finish watching the movies and go see the new star wars. Mom decided that wasnt going to happen. She didnt give me a reason. Unfortunately, i cant ask for one either because that would provoke an arguement which wouldnt exactly be good for her, or in that case, good for me, because she'd hate me the rest of the day. Anywho, that was, what i supposed, the climax of my day, and it was 9:15. However, i was very wrong. I have about twenty errands i need to run for various unannouncable reasons and they happen to be very important. three of which included job applications. when i asked dad if he could take me, his exact response was "bridget, im risking anger by saying this, but my focus is on your mother and your brother today." I kinda wish i'd have gotten that notice further in advance, so i wouldnt have planned my entire day around a car. He complains he doesnt get to spend enough time with us, and when i need him, i cant have him because hes already "booked up". Fuck it, i dont care anymore. Im sick of trying to keep him a part of my life. it doesnt work anymore. its all up to him now. if he wants to be part of my life, he better work for it. im not a rental daughter. im not going to be there at his conveinience. and i know this all sounds a tad drastic. i really do. but today was the last straw. He was the only one i could go to to talk about my mom. the only one who really understood. Hes going through the same thing. I just wish he would make time for me.
Im afraid. I wouldnt generally say some of this stuff here. im not that open. but im afraid. im really afraid im slipping into my moms depression. i hide in my room, im losing weight, everything upsets me, i feel like nobody's on my side and my self esteem is so low. Im afraid im losing you. losing you quickly, because of the state im in. Im holding on as tightly as i can. Please dont let me slip away.