Second round...
First round picks: 7 for 8, bitches! And that one I missed went to overtime Game 7. None too shabby, I do say so myself. Three series went to Game 7s, and in each one the team I was rooting for lost. Ugh.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Montreal Canadiens vs. #8 Boston Bruins
My pick: Canadiens in 5.
Actual result: Canadiens in 7.
Ouch. This one hurt. A lot. I was perfectly resigned to the fact that the Bruins would lose in the first round. Montreal was all set to win this one in 5 (like I said they would!) except their rookie goalie had a major meltdown in the third period of Game 5, and then the Bruins won that game and the next one. They got my hopes up, the jerks. Of course Montreal crushed them in Game 7. It was pretty ugly. The city of Montreal then had a big ol' hockey riot. Wow, seriously? Rocket Richard wasn't just suspended; you, THE TOP SEED IN THE CONFERENCE just beat Boston, THE LOWEST SEED IN THE CONFERENCE, in the FIRST ROUND of the playoffs. Settle down and save it for the finals. Also, as a general rule, it's a good idea to not set fire to municipal property. I hear Bruins fans love their rookie, Milan Lucic, and have compared him to a young Cameron Neely. I would normally consider this blasphemy, except I kind of see what they mean. He rocks. Game 6 in Boston was the best hockey game I've seen in a long, long time. The Bruins made me love them again, like I did when they had Neely, Ray Bourque, and Glen Wesley...and then they broke my heart. Bastards. But I guess it's better to have loved and lost than blah blah blah.
#2 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #7 Ottawa Senators
My pick: Penguins in 6.
Actual result: Penguins in 4.
Holy. Shit. That was so awesome. "...the Penguins could and should kick some ass this year." And I still didn't expect a sweep. The Senators were just that bad. Last year the best line in all of the playoffs was the Spezza-Heatley-Alfredsson line on the Senators, so even though Alfredsson didn't play until Game 3 this year, I thought they could bring some of that magic back and steal a game or two. No. Not even close.
#3 Washington Capitals vs. #6 Philadelphia Flyers
My pick: Capitals in 7.
Actual result: Flyers in 7.
God, this is another one that was painful. The Caps also made me love them this round, so losing to the Flyers in Game 7 overtime was an extra little kick in the balls. Oh, sorry, Patrick Thoresen. I refuse to link to any video of it happening, but in Game 1 that dude took a slapshot right in his business. It DENTED HIS CUP, y'all. They thought at first that a testicle had ruptured and they would have to remove it. They didn't. I'm told. He missed one game, and I don't think they even bothered with that "lower body injury" nonsense. Official injury report: puck in the nuts. Eddie Olczyk put it thusly: Thoresen "got hit up high in the low groin area." The Flyers managed to shut down Alexander Ovechkin for most of the series, matching him up against Kimmo Timonen and, yes, Braydon Coburn, who by the way had the most ice time of anybody in Game 7!! Attaboy, Braydon! They grow up so fast. Ovie had a pretty ugly beard going that I appreciated, which he trimmed down to just a goatee for Game 6. But that just made him look like his own evil twin. His play really picked up right about then, though, so maybe he got sent to the Agony Booth. Ovechkin during the handshake line clearly said something nice to Braydon Coburn (awww) and gave a nice hug and started to say more nice things to Daniel Briere, but Versus abruptly cut away from the handshake line entirely. Nice work, Versus. Way to ignore any subtext that might be present. Try hiring a game director who remembers things like Ovechkin boarding Briere, and Briere responding by spearing Ovie right in his thoresens. Fucking Steve Downie actually dressed for the Flyers for Game 7 after sitting out the first six games. Fuckers. I really hate that guy. Game 6 in HD: I swear I saw Victor Kozlov pick his nose. Also in that game, Donald Brashear called Braydon Coburn a pussy (reading lips in HD is the best!), so he can just suck it and die.
#4 New Jersey Devils vs. #5 New York Rangers
My pick: Rangers in 7.
Actual result: Rangers in 5.
Oh, Devils. For fuck's sake. I do admit to being a Rangers fan (albeit a self-loathing one), but I was pretty actively rooting for the Devils after that Sean Avery nonsense. I loathe him so. I am impressed that the NHL actually changed the rules in the middle of the playoffs because of that incident. I am also kind of impressed with Martin Brodeur for refusing to shake Avery's hand after the series. How he managed to keep himself from spitting in Avery's stupid face, I'll never know. The good thing about this series was that Brandon Dubinsky was pretty awesome and everyone loves him. They grow up so fast. He and his babyface are showing no signs of any growth, though.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Detroit Red Wings vs. #8 Nashville Predators
My pick: Red Wings in 5.
Actual result: Red Wings in 6.
I learned in this series that the Predators have never won a road playoff game in franchise history. I think they've made the playoffs four years running now, so that's just pathetic. Dominik Hasek is old. His sciatica was acting up or something, so Chris Osgood had to take over in goal, and he was great as everyone always forgets he is. Ozzie! This series featured Jason Arnott scoring an important goal for the Preds, followed by his teammate Alexander Radulov crushing him into the boards celebrating, injuring Arnott. Careful, fool! They scored an empty net goal a few minutes later, and you could see Radulov on the bench very gingerly giving Arnott a hug. It was cute.
#2 San Jose Sharks vs. #7 Calgary Flames
My pick: Sharks in 6.
Actual result: Sharks in 7.
Holy nuts, this one was a little bit awesome. Too bad my Flames lost in Game 7, but it was nice to see the Sharks actually play as well as they look on paper. They almost handed this series to Calgary, but they scared me a little in Game 7 with their goodness at hockey. Jeremy Roenick! I keep forgetting he still hasn't retired, but he had two goals and an assist in Game 7. Not bad for an 80-year-old. Devin Setoguchi got his first career playoff goal, so give up for the Japanese-Canadians! Dion Phaneuf got nominated for the Norris Trophy this week, which is bullshit.
#3 Minnesota Wild vs. #6 Colorado Avalanche
My pick: Avalanche in 6.
Actual result: Avalanche in 6.
Yawn. I fell sleep for most of Game 6.
#4 Anaheim Ducks vs. #5 Dallas Stars
My pick: Stars in 7.
Actual result: Stars in 6.
"This one might be epic." Not really. It was pretty disappointing, actually. The Ducks lost for two reasons: they didn't get nearly enough offense, and their much-lauded defense was pretty ordinary. I will blame Chris Pronger, because it's just easier that way. Damn it is easy not to root for a Pronger-captained team. I found myself unwittingly rooting for the Stars, right up until the moment in Game 6 when the camera focused on Scott Niedermayer sitting on the bench, already with the most perfect playoff beard so far this year. And then I suddenly had a massive desire for the Ducks to win. That man just has a hold on me. Damn you, Scott Niedermayer's playoff beard! Good thing it is much easier to root for a Brendan Morrow-captained team. He rules. I still can't believe he married Guy Carbonneau's daughter. OH MY GOD what if the Stars play the Canadiens in the final?! I can't believe that only just occurred to me.
A few highlights from the first round:
The biggest hit of the first round, Cory Sarich on Patrick Marleau. The video starts with the aftermath of the hit -- Marleau's bloody face -- and then shows a replay of the hit. To be fair, the blood by his eye was actually caused by a hit from Dion Phaneuf earlier in the period, but the bloody nose was all Sarich. Don't watch the whole video because it goes on a bit.
Dubi looking a bit like a madman after scoring his second career playoff goal (his first was earlier in this game).
I dare you to be cuter, Devils.
That Sarich hit again. Good lord, look how far Marleau's helmet went flying!
Not technically from the playoffs, but in memory of the Caps here is kind of a cute video of the Capitals on a promotional Segway tour of...the Capital. See what they did there? There's a long section in the middle where it's just black and nothing, but keep watching because at the end, you get to see Mike Green wipe out. He ran into a cement planter. And that's Ovechkin's crazy laugh, by the way, like, who else would that be? By the way, when I originally saw a segment about this on tv, they showed Green wipe out and Ovechkin demanding they show the video of it over and over. It made me laugh because I definitely watched it several times as well.
There are other videos on youtube of this same Segway business, and one has Ovechkin yelling "Let's go Caps!" in that crazy voice of his, and also some dude stops him on the street and asks if he's the Segway tour guide. Which he's totally not. Because he's ALEXANDER OVECHKIN. Damn, know your local team's superstars! Yet another video of this is a parody of "CHiPs". And here's an article. They really got a lot of mileage out of this one little outing.
Also, the Stanley Cup had a cameo on 30 Rock last week, so watch it if you missed it. The Mighty Ducks got a mention, too, ha. Flying V!
And on to the second round:
EASTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Montreal Canadiens vs. #6 Philadelphia Flyers
These two both took out teams I was rooting for, so I'm a little pissed off at them right now. Also, my auntie totally hates Montreal's fans because they're jerks. Normally I like the Canadiens, but their fans are ruining it for me. They do that "na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye" song that I hate, and they inexplicably booed Zdeno Chara whenever he touched the puck. The Flyers fans are, of course, dicks. Clearly I need to root for the Habs, despite Braydon Coburn's continued and awesome presence on the Flyer's blueline. I love the way the Flyers played in their series, so Montreal should be worried. The Canadiens are the better team, so they had better win.
My pick: Canadiens in 7.
#2 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #5 New York Rangers
Crikey, this could be extremely awesome. It's a shame that my two favorite teams left in this thing are playing each other this round, but oh well. This should be one hell of an entertaining series. I recommend watching this one, if you can stomach that douche Sean Avery. I would absolutely love to see the kids on the Penguins go far in the playoffs this year, so this is a good test for them. The Rangers have a solid ton of experience on their side, and an outstanding goalie. They're both coming off of long layoffs after demolishing their opponents last round, so getting off to a good start will be crucial. I think the Penguins might need a little more seasoning...hmm. This one is hard!
My pick: Rangers in 7.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Detroit Red Wings vs. #6 Colorado Avalanche
There was a time when this was the meanest rivalry in all of sports, but does anyone outside of Detroit or Denver really care anymore? The Wings looked pretty blah against the Predators, so they'd better wake up for this round. The Avs are old, but Jose Theodore (I know!) was fairly outstanding for them in goal. Who knew? I sure didn't.
My pick: Red Wings in 6.
#2 San Jose Sharks vs. #5 Dallas Stars
Okay, Sharks. You win. I'm sold. I think they're the team to beat now. They got all of that nonsense out of their systems in the first round, what with the blowing 3-goal leads and whatnot, and Patrick Marleau might actually play well beyond the first round this year. I think that Sarich hit worked wonders for them. Also, and I may be wrong here, but I think I detected the beginnings of a playoff beard on Marleau in Game 7 against the Flames. FINALLY. I can only assume this is Joe Thornton's influence, so thank you, Joe. Each team here has an old former-superstar American (Jeremy Roenick for the Sharks and Mike Modano for the Stars), so that could be fun to watch. Mike Modano needs to retire yesterday. I do like how Dallas played in the first round, but the Sharks are much, much better than the Ducks. However, the Sharks need someone other than Ryan Clowe (I know!) to be their top scorer this round. Jonathan Cheechoo, where are you??
My pick: Sharks in 6.
I should point out that after predicting the Stanley Cup Final matchup to be Penguins vs. Stars, I have now picked them both to lose in the second round! Whoops.
ex-Winter Hawks remaining in the playoffs:
Marian Hossa, Pittsburgh Penguins; Braydon Coburn, Philadelphia Flyers; Brandon Dubinsky, New York Rangers; Brendan Morrow, Dallas Stars; Cody McLeod, Colorado Avalanche.
ex-Winter Hawks eliminated this round:
Andrew Ference, Boston Bruins; Scott Nichol, Nashville Predators.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Montreal Canadiens vs. #8 Boston Bruins
My pick: Canadiens in 5.
Actual result: Canadiens in 7.
Ouch. This one hurt. A lot. I was perfectly resigned to the fact that the Bruins would lose in the first round. Montreal was all set to win this one in 5 (like I said they would!) except their rookie goalie had a major meltdown in the third period of Game 5, and then the Bruins won that game and the next one. They got my hopes up, the jerks. Of course Montreal crushed them in Game 7. It was pretty ugly. The city of Montreal then had a big ol' hockey riot. Wow, seriously? Rocket Richard wasn't just suspended; you, THE TOP SEED IN THE CONFERENCE just beat Boston, THE LOWEST SEED IN THE CONFERENCE, in the FIRST ROUND of the playoffs. Settle down and save it for the finals. Also, as a general rule, it's a good idea to not set fire to municipal property. I hear Bruins fans love their rookie, Milan Lucic, and have compared him to a young Cameron Neely. I would normally consider this blasphemy, except I kind of see what they mean. He rocks. Game 6 in Boston was the best hockey game I've seen in a long, long time. The Bruins made me love them again, like I did when they had Neely, Ray Bourque, and Glen Wesley...and then they broke my heart. Bastards. But I guess it's better to have loved and lost than blah blah blah.
#2 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #7 Ottawa Senators
My pick: Penguins in 6.
Actual result: Penguins in 4.
Holy. Shit. That was so awesome. "...the Penguins could and should kick some ass this year." And I still didn't expect a sweep. The Senators were just that bad. Last year the best line in all of the playoffs was the Spezza-Heatley-Alfredsson line on the Senators, so even though Alfredsson didn't play until Game 3 this year, I thought they could bring some of that magic back and steal a game or two. No. Not even close.
#3 Washington Capitals vs. #6 Philadelphia Flyers
My pick: Capitals in 7.
Actual result: Flyers in 7.
God, this is another one that was painful. The Caps also made me love them this round, so losing to the Flyers in Game 7 overtime was an extra little kick in the balls. Oh, sorry, Patrick Thoresen. I refuse to link to any video of it happening, but in Game 1 that dude took a slapshot right in his business. It DENTED HIS CUP, y'all. They thought at first that a testicle had ruptured and they would have to remove it. They didn't. I'm told. He missed one game, and I don't think they even bothered with that "lower body injury" nonsense. Official injury report: puck in the nuts. Eddie Olczyk put it thusly: Thoresen "got hit up high in the low groin area." The Flyers managed to shut down Alexander Ovechkin for most of the series, matching him up against Kimmo Timonen and, yes, Braydon Coburn, who by the way had the most ice time of anybody in Game 7!! Attaboy, Braydon! They grow up so fast. Ovie had a pretty ugly beard going that I appreciated, which he trimmed down to just a goatee for Game 6. But that just made him look like his own evil twin. His play really picked up right about then, though, so maybe he got sent to the Agony Booth. Ovechkin during the handshake line clearly said something nice to Braydon Coburn (awww) and gave a nice hug and started to say more nice things to Daniel Briere, but Versus abruptly cut away from the handshake line entirely. Nice work, Versus. Way to ignore any subtext that might be present. Try hiring a game director who remembers things like Ovechkin boarding Briere, and Briere responding by spearing Ovie right in his thoresens. Fucking Steve Downie actually dressed for the Flyers for Game 7 after sitting out the first six games. Fuckers. I really hate that guy. Game 6 in HD: I swear I saw Victor Kozlov pick his nose. Also in that game, Donald Brashear called Braydon Coburn a pussy (reading lips in HD is the best!), so he can just suck it and die.
#4 New Jersey Devils vs. #5 New York Rangers
My pick: Rangers in 7.
Actual result: Rangers in 5.
Oh, Devils. For fuck's sake. I do admit to being a Rangers fan (albeit a self-loathing one), but I was pretty actively rooting for the Devils after that Sean Avery nonsense. I loathe him so. I am impressed that the NHL actually changed the rules in the middle of the playoffs because of that incident. I am also kind of impressed with Martin Brodeur for refusing to shake Avery's hand after the series. How he managed to keep himself from spitting in Avery's stupid face, I'll never know. The good thing about this series was that Brandon Dubinsky was pretty awesome and everyone loves him. They grow up so fast. He and his babyface are showing no signs of any growth, though.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Detroit Red Wings vs. #8 Nashville Predators
My pick: Red Wings in 5.
Actual result: Red Wings in 6.
I learned in this series that the Predators have never won a road playoff game in franchise history. I think they've made the playoffs four years running now, so that's just pathetic. Dominik Hasek is old. His sciatica was acting up or something, so Chris Osgood had to take over in goal, and he was great as everyone always forgets he is. Ozzie! This series featured Jason Arnott scoring an important goal for the Preds, followed by his teammate Alexander Radulov crushing him into the boards celebrating, injuring Arnott. Careful, fool! They scored an empty net goal a few minutes later, and you could see Radulov on the bench very gingerly giving Arnott a hug. It was cute.
#2 San Jose Sharks vs. #7 Calgary Flames
My pick: Sharks in 6.
Actual result: Sharks in 7.
Holy nuts, this one was a little bit awesome. Too bad my Flames lost in Game 7, but it was nice to see the Sharks actually play as well as they look on paper. They almost handed this series to Calgary, but they scared me a little in Game 7 with their goodness at hockey. Jeremy Roenick! I keep forgetting he still hasn't retired, but he had two goals and an assist in Game 7. Not bad for an 80-year-old. Devin Setoguchi got his first career playoff goal, so give up for the Japanese-Canadians! Dion Phaneuf got nominated for the Norris Trophy this week, which is bullshit.
#3 Minnesota Wild vs. #6 Colorado Avalanche
My pick: Avalanche in 6.
Actual result: Avalanche in 6.
Yawn. I fell sleep for most of Game 6.
#4 Anaheim Ducks vs. #5 Dallas Stars
My pick: Stars in 7.
Actual result: Stars in 6.
"This one might be epic." Not really. It was pretty disappointing, actually. The Ducks lost for two reasons: they didn't get nearly enough offense, and their much-lauded defense was pretty ordinary. I will blame Chris Pronger, because it's just easier that way. Damn it is easy not to root for a Pronger-captained team. I found myself unwittingly rooting for the Stars, right up until the moment in Game 6 when the camera focused on Scott Niedermayer sitting on the bench, already with the most perfect playoff beard so far this year. And then I suddenly had a massive desire for the Ducks to win. That man just has a hold on me. Damn you, Scott Niedermayer's playoff beard! Good thing it is much easier to root for a Brendan Morrow-captained team. He rules. I still can't believe he married Guy Carbonneau's daughter. OH MY GOD what if the Stars play the Canadiens in the final?! I can't believe that only just occurred to me.
A few highlights from the first round:
The biggest hit of the first round, Cory Sarich on Patrick Marleau. The video starts with the aftermath of the hit -- Marleau's bloody face -- and then shows a replay of the hit. To be fair, the blood by his eye was actually caused by a hit from Dion Phaneuf earlier in the period, but the bloody nose was all Sarich. Don't watch the whole video because it goes on a bit.
Click to viewDubi looking a bit like a madman after scoring his second career playoff goal (his first was earlier in this game).
I dare you to be cuter, Devils.
That Sarich hit again. Good lord, look how far Marleau's helmet went flying!
Not technically from the playoffs, but in memory of the Caps here is kind of a cute video of the Capitals on a promotional Segway tour of...the Capital. See what they did there? There's a long section in the middle where it's just black and nothing, but keep watching because at the end, you get to see Mike Green wipe out. He ran into a cement planter. And that's Ovechkin's crazy laugh, by the way, like, who else would that be? By the way, when I originally saw a segment about this on tv, they showed Green wipe out and Ovechkin demanding they show the video of it over and over. It made me laugh because I definitely watched it several times as well.
There are other videos on youtube of this same Segway business, and one has Ovechkin yelling "Let's go Caps!" in that crazy voice of his, and also some dude stops him on the street and asks if he's the Segway tour guide. Which he's totally not. Because he's ALEXANDER OVECHKIN. Damn, know your local team's superstars! Yet another video of this is a parody of "CHiPs". And here's an article. They really got a lot of mileage out of this one little outing.
Also, the Stanley Cup had a cameo on 30 Rock last week, so watch it if you missed it. The Mighty Ducks got a mention, too, ha. Flying V!
And on to the second round:
EASTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Montreal Canadiens vs. #6 Philadelphia Flyers
These two both took out teams I was rooting for, so I'm a little pissed off at them right now. Also, my auntie totally hates Montreal's fans because they're jerks. Normally I like the Canadiens, but their fans are ruining it for me. They do that "na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye" song that I hate, and they inexplicably booed Zdeno Chara whenever he touched the puck. The Flyers fans are, of course, dicks. Clearly I need to root for the Habs, despite Braydon Coburn's continued and awesome presence on the Flyer's blueline. I love the way the Flyers played in their series, so Montreal should be worried. The Canadiens are the better team, so they had better win.
My pick: Canadiens in 7.
#2 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #5 New York Rangers
Crikey, this could be extremely awesome. It's a shame that my two favorite teams left in this thing are playing each other this round, but oh well. This should be one hell of an entertaining series. I recommend watching this one, if you can stomach that douche Sean Avery. I would absolutely love to see the kids on the Penguins go far in the playoffs this year, so this is a good test for them. The Rangers have a solid ton of experience on their side, and an outstanding goalie. They're both coming off of long layoffs after demolishing their opponents last round, so getting off to a good start will be crucial. I think the Penguins might need a little more seasoning...hmm. This one is hard!
My pick: Rangers in 7.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Detroit Red Wings vs. #6 Colorado Avalanche
There was a time when this was the meanest rivalry in all of sports, but does anyone outside of Detroit or Denver really care anymore? The Wings looked pretty blah against the Predators, so they'd better wake up for this round. The Avs are old, but Jose Theodore (I know!) was fairly outstanding for them in goal. Who knew? I sure didn't.
My pick: Red Wings in 6.
#2 San Jose Sharks vs. #5 Dallas Stars
Okay, Sharks. You win. I'm sold. I think they're the team to beat now. They got all of that nonsense out of their systems in the first round, what with the blowing 3-goal leads and whatnot, and Patrick Marleau might actually play well beyond the first round this year. I think that Sarich hit worked wonders for them. Also, and I may be wrong here, but I think I detected the beginnings of a playoff beard on Marleau in Game 7 against the Flames. FINALLY. I can only assume this is Joe Thornton's influence, so thank you, Joe. Each team here has an old former-superstar American (Jeremy Roenick for the Sharks and Mike Modano for the Stars), so that could be fun to watch. Mike Modano needs to retire yesterday. I do like how Dallas played in the first round, but the Sharks are much, much better than the Ducks. However, the Sharks need someone other than Ryan Clowe (I know!) to be their top scorer this round. Jonathan Cheechoo, where are you??
My pick: Sharks in 6.
I should point out that after predicting the Stanley Cup Final matchup to be Penguins vs. Stars, I have now picked them both to lose in the second round! Whoops.
ex-Winter Hawks remaining in the playoffs:
Marian Hossa, Pittsburgh Penguins; Braydon Coburn, Philadelphia Flyers; Brandon Dubinsky, New York Rangers; Brendan Morrow, Dallas Stars; Cody McLeod, Colorado Avalanche.
ex-Winter Hawks eliminated this round:
Andrew Ference, Boston Bruins; Scott Nichol, Nashville Predators.