stick to the status quo.
junior year in high school, during 5th period biology, we were assigned to conduct a lab which coincided with the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. each student was given a test tube vile and some kind of formula, while a few of the other students were given the "tainted" formula which carried the disease. we had to find 6 different "sex partners" to switch fluids with. so after mixing with 5 random girls, which was like a big deal at the time...i remember my classmates getting all giddy over it. like "omg, wanna have sex?" i set my eyes on a girl i haven't switched with, and made my way to her when suddenly the classroom 'thug' cuts me off and says "hey homie, pour your shit in real quick." i was like...nah, i'm gonna switch with a girl, and he ironically said "don't be a fag, just do it. i'm too lazy to get up and do it." so i was like "Ugh, fine." i poured my shit into his vile, and he did the same to me.
the teacher calls out "everyone done." to which we replied "yeah, yeah, blah blah blah". so after finishing that process, she made a huge chart on the board and asked each of us who our 6 partners were. and when i said my sixth partner was antonio or whatever the fuck his name was, the classroom busted up with laughter. "you had sex with a dude! haha." and although it wasn't really anything to be embarrassed about, my face turned red. that was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my short lived life.
god made dirt and dirt don't hurt. what bum made this rationality up? dirt don't hurt? really? try avoiding bathing for a month and see how much dirt will actually hurt you. you'll probably wake up with a nest of fleas and maggots in your hair, and mushrooms growing out of your mid-section. psh, dirt don't hurt.
small talk. i am not the slightest fan of small talk in any way. in fact, i hate it and i'm not very good at it. i don't care how the hot it's been outside lately or how much barry bonds' home run ball is worth. why do we even engage in it? is it that fear of coming off awkward, rude or uncomfortable? i think it is. people are afraid of awkward silence, but i think we should get over that. silence between two people shouldn't always be uncomfortable. running into an old friend i went to school with is never fun, either. it's like...oh great, here comes the slew of predictable questions; what have you been up to? still talk to so and so? i avoid it every chance i get. especially if it's with someone i was never really friends. that's why i hate going to the local mall. i'm always running into some jerk off that tends to think we were tight at some point. nope, we never were. i keep in zero touch with all of my old close friends. with the exception of hugo, i catch him at the gym now and again. and brian hicks. and a few others.
moving on.
three types of girls i could never see myself dating. not limited to 3, i just happen to like small lists.
1.) a girl that snores. sorry. snoring is like an itch i can't reach. drives me up the wall. she better at least sing me to sleep before she starts snoring like mr. wilson.
2.) a clinger. you know the type. a girl that ALWAYS needs to be by my side. that can be cute, but not when she freaks out because i decide to hit up the men's bathroom for a brief moment.
3.) a slob. slobs are unattractive. this includes belching and poor grooming habits. a sophisticated girl that knows how to chew her food before swallowing it is sexy. a girl that can get her butt in the gym is sexy, too.
i was running at the gym the other day, and they were playing that show "the girl next door" on one of the big T.V's in front of me. you know...that reality based show about those 3 knock out playmates. anyways, on this particular episode, the girls were posing naked with only small circles as censors, and naturally as a guy, i was drawn to it. but the funny part was when as i was watching it, i sped up my running and ended up running into the front of the treadmill. haha. proof that the good ol' carrot on a string trick doesn't only work in cartoons.
why is it so much easier for me to gain weight than to lose it? why is it so much easier regress than progress? yeah yeah, i know...because weight gain is the result of being lazy and fitness is the result of busting your ass, and any average slug can be lazy. i'm just upset over the fact that i can bust my ass in the gym for a month...blood sweat and tears...and maybe see one small extra line in my arms, but if i have just one weekend of beer and pizza, i end up looking 5 months pregnant.
but listen to how weird i am. when i prepare myself a meal, i end up making a mini meal for myself to eat while i finish making the "real" meal. isn't that weird? i also catch myself looking at ads of food while i eat. that's like a guy and girl watching porn while humping. do couples ever do that? would the girl get jealous of the one on television? i bet she would. girls are psycho like that.
never cough on my food. i'll freak.
that reminds me of the time josh clark and i went out for the all-you-can-eat lunch special at Mountain Mikes a few years back. He found a long strand of hair between his pizza and plate, and simply removed the strand and continued eating. i'll never forget that moment. he's punk as fuck.
the other day i was asked what my biggest fear was. and instead of responding with one of the cliche classics such as growing old, loneliness, or complete failure, i decided to go with my gut. imagine sleeping alone in your room, pitch dark inside and out, window shade up, blinds open, and you toss over barely waking up, only to glance up at your window to see a man standing outside with a plain white mask and an unnecessarily huge kitchen knife, and he quickly ducks, making it impossible for you to even get a good look at what you think you might have seen. you're left freaking out in the dark wondering what's worse, thinking that you're being paranoid or knowing that you should be?
a bay bay. if i hear someone quote that fucking stupid song one more time, i'm gonna...well...fuck...i don't know what i can do. i guess the best i can do is invest in some ear plugs. it's just a bad song, especially if 2nd and 3rd graders are running around singing it with snot dripping from their nose and kool-aid mustaches. i'm also tired of cobra style by teddybears. that song is literally in the trailor of every movie. BAW WIT THE BAW DA DANG DA DANG DIGGY DIGGY, dun dun dun! i like teddybears, but that song is shot.
i was using predictive text the other day, and i'm blown away and confused with how it really works. i really believe it's the pinnacle of all human accomplishments. i mean, how it can predict a word through a pattern of numbers being pressed is phenomenal. it's like there's a small brain living in our cell phones. either that, or i'm just too retarded to realize how simple of a concept it really is.
why do we insist on referring to a single pair of pants in plural form? who honestly goes out shopping for a pant? a single pant is never desired, so joining two together to give us pants is unnecessary. "oh this shirt would look good with this pant". that's what we should be saying. not "this shirt would look good with these pants." i need a new pant, not a new pair of pants. i can't afford a pair at the moment, i just want one. it's like...will war veterans with only one leg be offended? if we wise up and decide to change a single pair of pants to pant, will they get pissed at the fact that they can't go into a levi's and ask for a pant without confusing the store clerk? they shouldn't be pissed, cause they can just ask for half a pant.
how many ass kickings from pop-eye does it take for pluto to realize that he'll never get a chance to bang olive oil, let alone make her fall in love with him?
i challenge anyone to a mile run. i'll bet 50 bucks that i'll win, too. let me know if you're interested. this offer is only for myspace friends. no getting your friend that plays tailback for virginia tech.
three things i suck at taking care of; cds, clothes and money. i lend my cd's out far too much and never get them returned. i lose at least one article of clothing every 2 weeks, like my favorite jacket, my favorite ringer t, and my favorite hat. and i spend money like a millionaire when in all actuality i'm only a thousandaire. this reflects on my maturity, or lack there of. oh well, we all have our problems. at least i'm not a coke addict or compulsive liar.
i'd like my watch from sammy, my dog tags from keola, and my remaining cd's from joe.
i don't know how to properly hock a loogie and it pisses me off to the edge of the world and back. because occasionally i'll get that wad of snot lodged down the back of my throat...and most people can simply do that weird snort sound and make it air born...but i have to shove my finger down my throat to scoop it out. and even worse, i only end up getting a small portion of the wad of said snot. sometimes i'll accidentally hock a loogie, but i always fail to remember how i did it.
i think statistically the average height for a female is something like 5'4". how much would that suck if you were a male standing at 5'4"? man...i'd be so embarrassed to go out and try to mingle with people of the opposite sex. girls...would you ever even consider dating a man of that stature? i bet not. because a man of extremely short stature is a similar handicap to a girl being severely obese, in my humble opinion. girls look at short guys the same way guys look at fat girls. luckily for me, i'm standing at like 5'11" on a good day. however, i'd love to reach 6 flat. i think i will...i know i'm in my 20's, but i'm a late bloomer. come to think of it, i honestly didn't start puberty until my sophomore year in high school. i was the only guy on the football team with bald armpits and a high voice. i sounded like a young cory matthews for the longest time.
will my looks on a scale from 1 to 10 go up if i get a tattoo? i don't think so. in fact, i happen to have sleeves already. they're a bunch of tiny little dots called freckles. natures tattoo.
if i ever decide to get a tattoo, i'm going to get muscles inked on me.
my hair is getting long. should i make like joey gladstone and 'cut it out' or should i grow it out like a chia pet? you don't have to answer that...i suppose there are more important questions for us to ponder on. like...why are we here? what is our purpose? is the cure's next album really going to be double-disc? is zack effron really dating that fat bitch from hair spray?
-jem
the teacher calls out "everyone done." to which we replied "yeah, yeah, blah blah blah". so after finishing that process, she made a huge chart on the board and asked each of us who our 6 partners were. and when i said my sixth partner was antonio or whatever the fuck his name was, the classroom busted up with laughter. "you had sex with a dude! haha." and although it wasn't really anything to be embarrassed about, my face turned red. that was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my short lived life.
god made dirt and dirt don't hurt. what bum made this rationality up? dirt don't hurt? really? try avoiding bathing for a month and see how much dirt will actually hurt you. you'll probably wake up with a nest of fleas and maggots in your hair, and mushrooms growing out of your mid-section. psh, dirt don't hurt.
small talk. i am not the slightest fan of small talk in any way. in fact, i hate it and i'm not very good at it. i don't care how the hot it's been outside lately or how much barry bonds' home run ball is worth. why do we even engage in it? is it that fear of coming off awkward, rude or uncomfortable? i think it is. people are afraid of awkward silence, but i think we should get over that. silence between two people shouldn't always be uncomfortable. running into an old friend i went to school with is never fun, either. it's like...oh great, here comes the slew of predictable questions; what have you been up to? still talk to so and so? i avoid it every chance i get. especially if it's with someone i was never really friends. that's why i hate going to the local mall. i'm always running into some jerk off that tends to think we were tight at some point. nope, we never were. i keep in zero touch with all of my old close friends. with the exception of hugo, i catch him at the gym now and again. and brian hicks. and a few others.
moving on.
three types of girls i could never see myself dating. not limited to 3, i just happen to like small lists.
1.) a girl that snores. sorry. snoring is like an itch i can't reach. drives me up the wall. she better at least sing me to sleep before she starts snoring like mr. wilson.
2.) a clinger. you know the type. a girl that ALWAYS needs to be by my side. that can be cute, but not when she freaks out because i decide to hit up the men's bathroom for a brief moment.
3.) a slob. slobs are unattractive. this includes belching and poor grooming habits. a sophisticated girl that knows how to chew her food before swallowing it is sexy. a girl that can get her butt in the gym is sexy, too.
i was running at the gym the other day, and they were playing that show "the girl next door" on one of the big T.V's in front of me. you know...that reality based show about those 3 knock out playmates. anyways, on this particular episode, the girls were posing naked with only small circles as censors, and naturally as a guy, i was drawn to it. but the funny part was when as i was watching it, i sped up my running and ended up running into the front of the treadmill. haha. proof that the good ol' carrot on a string trick doesn't only work in cartoons.
why is it so much easier for me to gain weight than to lose it? why is it so much easier regress than progress? yeah yeah, i know...because weight gain is the result of being lazy and fitness is the result of busting your ass, and any average slug can be lazy. i'm just upset over the fact that i can bust my ass in the gym for a month...blood sweat and tears...and maybe see one small extra line in my arms, but if i have just one weekend of beer and pizza, i end up looking 5 months pregnant.
but listen to how weird i am. when i prepare myself a meal, i end up making a mini meal for myself to eat while i finish making the "real" meal. isn't that weird? i also catch myself looking at ads of food while i eat. that's like a guy and girl watching porn while humping. do couples ever do that? would the girl get jealous of the one on television? i bet she would. girls are psycho like that.
never cough on my food. i'll freak.
that reminds me of the time josh clark and i went out for the all-you-can-eat lunch special at Mountain Mikes a few years back. He found a long strand of hair between his pizza and plate, and simply removed the strand and continued eating. i'll never forget that moment. he's punk as fuck.
the other day i was asked what my biggest fear was. and instead of responding with one of the cliche classics such as growing old, loneliness, or complete failure, i decided to go with my gut. imagine sleeping alone in your room, pitch dark inside and out, window shade up, blinds open, and you toss over barely waking up, only to glance up at your window to see a man standing outside with a plain white mask and an unnecessarily huge kitchen knife, and he quickly ducks, making it impossible for you to even get a good look at what you think you might have seen. you're left freaking out in the dark wondering what's worse, thinking that you're being paranoid or knowing that you should be?
a bay bay. if i hear someone quote that fucking stupid song one more time, i'm gonna...well...fuck...i don't know what i can do. i guess the best i can do is invest in some ear plugs. it's just a bad song, especially if 2nd and 3rd graders are running around singing it with snot dripping from their nose and kool-aid mustaches. i'm also tired of cobra style by teddybears. that song is literally in the trailor of every movie. BAW WIT THE BAW DA DANG DA DANG DIGGY DIGGY, dun dun dun! i like teddybears, but that song is shot.
i was using predictive text the other day, and i'm blown away and confused with how it really works. i really believe it's the pinnacle of all human accomplishments. i mean, how it can predict a word through a pattern of numbers being pressed is phenomenal. it's like there's a small brain living in our cell phones. either that, or i'm just too retarded to realize how simple of a concept it really is.
why do we insist on referring to a single pair of pants in plural form? who honestly goes out shopping for a pant? a single pant is never desired, so joining two together to give us pants is unnecessary. "oh this shirt would look good with this pant". that's what we should be saying. not "this shirt would look good with these pants." i need a new pant, not a new pair of pants. i can't afford a pair at the moment, i just want one. it's like...will war veterans with only one leg be offended? if we wise up and decide to change a single pair of pants to pant, will they get pissed at the fact that they can't go into a levi's and ask for a pant without confusing the store clerk? they shouldn't be pissed, cause they can just ask for half a pant.
how many ass kickings from pop-eye does it take for pluto to realize that he'll never get a chance to bang olive oil, let alone make her fall in love with him?
i challenge anyone to a mile run. i'll bet 50 bucks that i'll win, too. let me know if you're interested. this offer is only for myspace friends. no getting your friend that plays tailback for virginia tech.
three things i suck at taking care of; cds, clothes and money. i lend my cd's out far too much and never get them returned. i lose at least one article of clothing every 2 weeks, like my favorite jacket, my favorite ringer t, and my favorite hat. and i spend money like a millionaire when in all actuality i'm only a thousandaire. this reflects on my maturity, or lack there of. oh well, we all have our problems. at least i'm not a coke addict or compulsive liar.
i'd like my watch from sammy, my dog tags from keola, and my remaining cd's from joe.
i don't know how to properly hock a loogie and it pisses me off to the edge of the world and back. because occasionally i'll get that wad of snot lodged down the back of my throat...and most people can simply do that weird snort sound and make it air born...but i have to shove my finger down my throat to scoop it out. and even worse, i only end up getting a small portion of the wad of said snot. sometimes i'll accidentally hock a loogie, but i always fail to remember how i did it.
i think statistically the average height for a female is something like 5'4". how much would that suck if you were a male standing at 5'4"? man...i'd be so embarrassed to go out and try to mingle with people of the opposite sex. girls...would you ever even consider dating a man of that stature? i bet not. because a man of extremely short stature is a similar handicap to a girl being severely obese, in my humble opinion. girls look at short guys the same way guys look at fat girls. luckily for me, i'm standing at like 5'11" on a good day. however, i'd love to reach 6 flat. i think i will...i know i'm in my 20's, but i'm a late bloomer. come to think of it, i honestly didn't start puberty until my sophomore year in high school. i was the only guy on the football team with bald armpits and a high voice. i sounded like a young cory matthews for the longest time.
will my looks on a scale from 1 to 10 go up if i get a tattoo? i don't think so. in fact, i happen to have sleeves already. they're a bunch of tiny little dots called freckles. natures tattoo.
if i ever decide to get a tattoo, i'm going to get muscles inked on me.
my hair is getting long. should i make like joey gladstone and 'cut it out' or should i grow it out like a chia pet? you don't have to answer that...i suppose there are more important questions for us to ponder on. like...why are we here? what is our purpose? is the cure's next album really going to be double-disc? is zack effron really dating that fat bitch from hair spray?
-jem