a girl that knows her own power can't be tricked.
Walker, Texas ranger. ever see that t.v series? for those of you who are unfamiliar with it, here's a quick briefing: Walker, played by the illustrious Chuck Norris, is a ranger located in Dallas Texas, who not only leads a super-team consisting of 3 other rangers, but faces all kinds of problems ranging from drug lord smugglers to flat out terrorists waging war. now, these rangers are so fucking good, it takes longer to file a police report in Dallas than it does for these guys to solve a case. Walker can sense everything from a huge drug based operation about to go down to a boy buried alive in a 500 yard desert field. he's beaten up armies of men by himself, and has even caught a bullet with his teeth.
Walker is a well known ass-kicking ranger who easily holds the reputation of being unstoppable. now what i want to know is why do criminals even think about stirring shit up or plotting illegal acts in Dallas? they know Walker and his all-star rangers work those parts. And they know they sure as hell won't get away with it. why not relocate to stockon or san francisco, where car theft and drive-by's are never solved. where the police are too busy handing out petty parking tickets and busting jay walkers or drunken bums. these criminal masterminds would have a much better shot in a town protected by young cops with their heads up their asses.
oh, and another tip for those criminals; don't think about relocating to metropolis or gotham city, either. those cities are known to be under the surveillance of superheroes. so that wouldn't be too wise.
speaking of superheroes...does superman take dumps? he's not a girl, so i wouldn't mind knowing. furthermore, is he super at mastering musical instruments as well? he can pick up buildings, burn things with his eyes and freeze things with his breath, but i wonder if he can really wail on a guitar eddy van halen style. i'd want superman in my band. or batman...he'd make a good frontman. shooting his rope up in the rafters, swinging over the crowd with his cape and mask, singing about the joker and how much his job sucks. doing round-house kicks and shit, like that AFI video. and we'd have band practice back at the bat cave. that would be excellent. ever since the simpsons, whenever i think of the word excellent, montgomery burns comes to mind.
not to stay on the subject of superheroes, but.superman is an alien, right? from a distant planet called Kripton. so, can he get off in a sexual act with an earthling? is he only vulnerable to kripton, or can sexy women make him weak in the knees, as well? can he get drunk? does alcohol impair supermans judgment? does SEX impair his judgment? does he ever think with the wrong head?
and while we're on the subject of sex. such a conversation piece, by the way. if you could perform oral sex on yourself, and it felt good, would you do it? jaratt wouldn't leave the house.
if at any given situation, if i were fortunate enough to pull off getting jessica biel, jessica simpson, and jessica alba in a king size bed butt-naked, wanting every inch of my body, all at the same time, but i only get the chance to "go" once, i would not have the sexual virility of pleasing all three of them, let alone one. which in turn would leave me disappointed, as well. to have these three babes in a bed, wanting you, but not being able to do all the dirty acts you've constantly played out in your day dreams at work, would plain out suck. i would seriously have an orgasm faster than it takes walker to solve a case. faster than it takes sonic the hedge-hog to roll through a wall. faster than it takes the ice cream man to rip-off the little kids that steal the change from their mom's purse. it's hilarious that something like this bothers me. most people get upset over the pressures of paying their bills on time, or budgeting their money, or problems with their friends or significant others. you know...real life problems. and i'm here upset over the fact that i lack the ability to please the three jessica's. haha. i'm so lame sometimes.
kissing feels good. do we all agree? almost as good as food. like a nice big sandwich from gerards or the cajun chicken pasta served up at chilli's. i don't know what i rather do right now, make-out or take out.
i just realized how stupid most of the shit i write about actually is. people read this stuff? why? is it because there's a good amount of honesty portrayed in it? maybe because people are bored. in which case i can relate. i'm always bored. even when i'm not, i am. but busy people...like real busy people, are never bored. they can't be because they don't have the time. you need down time in order to even consider being bored. walking across the Mojave desert alone would be boring. waiting in line to pay your cell phone bill is boring. still bored? read on.
a girl that knows her own power can't be tricked.
theme parties. we all love them, right? wrong. well, i love the shit out of them, but i can tell most people don't due to the simple fact that when they're thrown, no one ever follows them! a huge pack of norcal douche bags end up strolling through without following the theme itself. personally, i always follow them. but i don't always like the ones that requires me to waste my time, energy and money putting together some goofy outfit just because someone felt it was cute to throw a "tennis ho's and office bro's" or "black and white" or whatever. the more original, the better. the easier to follow, the better. underwear is always a safe one, because if i show up without knowing it was a theme party to begin with, i can simply drop trousers, take my shirt off, roll it up in a ball and throw it on the couch and say "sup bro, where's my beer?"
considering the hot weather, shipwreck would be a fun theme to try out. baseball t's and undies was always an idea i had. but the best idea i've heard in a long time would the one my buddy charles told me about, which they call "the hook-up theme". this is where you are hand-cuffed to someone of the opposite sex, for X amount of time. half hour, hour, whatever. and then as soon as time is up, you have the option of cuffing up with someone else. or you can make it mandatory to switch. the reason why i love this theme is because it gives you 60 minutes to either impress a girl with your charm or, on the flipside, make a total jerk out of yourself. regardless, they're stuck with you and have nowhere to run. me likey! so let's break out the handcuffs and order a keg!
what happens in the back seat of my car..stays in the back seat of my car!
have you checked your weekly horoscope yet?
Taurus: you smell like little baby poop. the kind covered in inexplicable white stuff. it's probably baby-powder. your boyfriend/girlfriend is seeing someone else behind your back, and your car is due for a major tune-up soon.
Gemini: you'll get sick with mono, sleep the days away, and wake up with a boiler on right cheek of your face, which will so happen to burst open with baby spiders during a bubble bath.
Cancer: you'll undergo a long streak of good luck. you're the man, maaan. and you'll avoid any major drama that comes your way. you'll find money on the ground.
Leo: you're gonna die. too bad, so sad. cute leo's should make-out with cancers.
Aries: you'll join the taurus' in the baby poop club. not to mention the fact that you'll find a tooth in the next hot pocket you eat.
Virgo: you're a loner and nobody loves you. and things will remain that way.
Libra: cute libra's should hook up with cancers.
Scorpio: scorpio's don't read their horoscopes.
Sagittarius: you will go over your cell phone bill leaving you with a whopping bill over $834.67.
Capricorn: your zodiac name implies it. corn will grow on your feet, making it very painful and difficult to walk to work after someone steals your car at gun point.
Aquaries: fuck. i didn't realize how many of these things there are.
Pisces: i quit.
-jem
p.s. what's the very first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Walker is a well known ass-kicking ranger who easily holds the reputation of being unstoppable. now what i want to know is why do criminals even think about stirring shit up or plotting illegal acts in Dallas? they know Walker and his all-star rangers work those parts. And they know they sure as hell won't get away with it. why not relocate to stockon or san francisco, where car theft and drive-by's are never solved. where the police are too busy handing out petty parking tickets and busting jay walkers or drunken bums. these criminal masterminds would have a much better shot in a town protected by young cops with their heads up their asses.
oh, and another tip for those criminals; don't think about relocating to metropolis or gotham city, either. those cities are known to be under the surveillance of superheroes. so that wouldn't be too wise.
speaking of superheroes...does superman take dumps? he's not a girl, so i wouldn't mind knowing. furthermore, is he super at mastering musical instruments as well? he can pick up buildings, burn things with his eyes and freeze things with his breath, but i wonder if he can really wail on a guitar eddy van halen style. i'd want superman in my band. or batman...he'd make a good frontman. shooting his rope up in the rafters, swinging over the crowd with his cape and mask, singing about the joker and how much his job sucks. doing round-house kicks and shit, like that AFI video. and we'd have band practice back at the bat cave. that would be excellent. ever since the simpsons, whenever i think of the word excellent, montgomery burns comes to mind.
not to stay on the subject of superheroes, but.superman is an alien, right? from a distant planet called Kripton. so, can he get off in a sexual act with an earthling? is he only vulnerable to kripton, or can sexy women make him weak in the knees, as well? can he get drunk? does alcohol impair supermans judgment? does SEX impair his judgment? does he ever think with the wrong head?
and while we're on the subject of sex. such a conversation piece, by the way. if you could perform oral sex on yourself, and it felt good, would you do it? jaratt wouldn't leave the house.
if at any given situation, if i were fortunate enough to pull off getting jessica biel, jessica simpson, and jessica alba in a king size bed butt-naked, wanting every inch of my body, all at the same time, but i only get the chance to "go" once, i would not have the sexual virility of pleasing all three of them, let alone one. which in turn would leave me disappointed, as well. to have these three babes in a bed, wanting you, but not being able to do all the dirty acts you've constantly played out in your day dreams at work, would plain out suck. i would seriously have an orgasm faster than it takes walker to solve a case. faster than it takes sonic the hedge-hog to roll through a wall. faster than it takes the ice cream man to rip-off the little kids that steal the change from their mom's purse. it's hilarious that something like this bothers me. most people get upset over the pressures of paying their bills on time, or budgeting their money, or problems with their friends or significant others. you know...real life problems. and i'm here upset over the fact that i lack the ability to please the three jessica's. haha. i'm so lame sometimes.
kissing feels good. do we all agree? almost as good as food. like a nice big sandwich from gerards or the cajun chicken pasta served up at chilli's. i don't know what i rather do right now, make-out or take out.
i just realized how stupid most of the shit i write about actually is. people read this stuff? why? is it because there's a good amount of honesty portrayed in it? maybe because people are bored. in which case i can relate. i'm always bored. even when i'm not, i am. but busy people...like real busy people, are never bored. they can't be because they don't have the time. you need down time in order to even consider being bored. walking across the Mojave desert alone would be boring. waiting in line to pay your cell phone bill is boring. still bored? read on.
a girl that knows her own power can't be tricked.
theme parties. we all love them, right? wrong. well, i love the shit out of them, but i can tell most people don't due to the simple fact that when they're thrown, no one ever follows them! a huge pack of norcal douche bags end up strolling through without following the theme itself. personally, i always follow them. but i don't always like the ones that requires me to waste my time, energy and money putting together some goofy outfit just because someone felt it was cute to throw a "tennis ho's and office bro's" or "black and white" or whatever. the more original, the better. the easier to follow, the better. underwear is always a safe one, because if i show up without knowing it was a theme party to begin with, i can simply drop trousers, take my shirt off, roll it up in a ball and throw it on the couch and say "sup bro, where's my beer?"
considering the hot weather, shipwreck would be a fun theme to try out. baseball t's and undies was always an idea i had. but the best idea i've heard in a long time would the one my buddy charles told me about, which they call "the hook-up theme". this is where you are hand-cuffed to someone of the opposite sex, for X amount of time. half hour, hour, whatever. and then as soon as time is up, you have the option of cuffing up with someone else. or you can make it mandatory to switch. the reason why i love this theme is because it gives you 60 minutes to either impress a girl with your charm or, on the flipside, make a total jerk out of yourself. regardless, they're stuck with you and have nowhere to run. me likey! so let's break out the handcuffs and order a keg!
what happens in the back seat of my car..stays in the back seat of my car!
have you checked your weekly horoscope yet?
Taurus: you smell like little baby poop. the kind covered in inexplicable white stuff. it's probably baby-powder. your boyfriend/girlfriend is seeing someone else behind your back, and your car is due for a major tune-up soon.
Gemini: you'll get sick with mono, sleep the days away, and wake up with a boiler on right cheek of your face, which will so happen to burst open with baby spiders during a bubble bath.
Cancer: you'll undergo a long streak of good luck. you're the man, maaan. and you'll avoid any major drama that comes your way. you'll find money on the ground.
Leo: you're gonna die. too bad, so sad. cute leo's should make-out with cancers.
Aries: you'll join the taurus' in the baby poop club. not to mention the fact that you'll find a tooth in the next hot pocket you eat.
Virgo: you're a loner and nobody loves you. and things will remain that way.
Libra: cute libra's should hook up with cancers.
Scorpio: scorpio's don't read their horoscopes.
Sagittarius: you will go over your cell phone bill leaving you with a whopping bill over $834.67.
Capricorn: your zodiac name implies it. corn will grow on your feet, making it very painful and difficult to walk to work after someone steals your car at gun point.
Aquaries: fuck. i didn't realize how many of these things there are.
Pisces: i quit.
-jem
p.s. what's the very first thing you notice about the opposite sex?