the thought of rejection vs. rejection itself.
the thought of rejection versus rejection itself.
on one hand, we have the agonizing mental picture of hearing the exact opposite of what it is we want to hear. "no thanks, i have a boyfriend." which is best possible way to get rejected. but then there's "i'm sorry, are you lost?" or even worse, a simple back turn. although it's something that isn't tangible, it definitely exists. it's a fear that brews in the pit of our stomach, and constricts us from doing things our heart tells us to do...or hormones...thus leaving us feeling like we're missing out on life. a definite obstacle that can, by some of us, only be curbed after four long islands, but by others, never curbed at all.
on the other hand, we have the harsh reality of rejection itself, which can be defined as an individual which is deliberately excluded from a social relationship or social interaction. when this takes place, it can bruise our ego, scar our self-esteem, or leave us staring in a mirror asking "what is wrong with me?" feeling like an ugly and worthless schmo that has nothing to offer the opposite sex, we're compelled to call it an early night only to pop a dvd in, dive into a box of cold pizza, or for you ladies, a fresh carton of rocky road ice cream. correction: do women even get rejected? is that humanly possible for a male to do?
now i know what you're thinking. i'm doing a lot of talking but not proposing any answers.
so which is worse?
personally, i was always the guy that would allow the fear of rejection get the best of him when it came to approaching the opposite sex. i'd create all kinds of scenarios and possible outcomes in my head. "what if she says this" or "what if she does that." and one thing that i've learned while being on this rock is that dwelling and over-analyzing the situation will only make approaching a possible prospect that much more difficult. but over the years, this is something i've learned to overcome.
overcoming the fear of rejection is no easy task and requires getting your hands dirty, so to speak. even if making friends is easy for you, and you may even consider yourself a social butterfly...you can still be shy when it comes to striking up a conversation with a perfect stranger of the opposite sex.
first rule. it is important to know who to approach. is that person even making themselves seem approachable? is she the hottest girl in the place? know where you stand and never try to break the ice with someone who intimidates you. not if you're still learning, at least. take baby steps and don't start off looking to win the jackpot. i advise you not to approach the girl at the bar getting all the attention from barking males, milking them for free drinks and cheesy compliments. instead, give a shout to her buffalo butt friend that the other guys are overlooking. hell, even if you don't find her so attractive. like they say in anything competitive, practice makes perfect. and believe me, the bar/club scene is definitely a competitive sport. at least it is when you're single.
next. get comfortable with approaching people. don't be over-zealous, too aggressive, or corny with your pick-up lines. try being honest and friendly. there's nothing worse than a shy person trying too hard to break out of their shell. words come out wrong, they don't convey their thoughts properly, and things can turn into a huge mess. for the most part, people that are out for drinks are there to be social. they're there to meet people, mingle, show off their new shirt, etc. but remember, rejection does happen and will happen to you if you throw yourself out there enough. this is when it's key to remember that you're somebody that possesses "the attitude." the attitude? the attitude dictates you don't care if she comes, lays, stays or preys. whatever happens your toes are still tappin'. and when you got that...well, then you got the attitude.
that's fine, james...but what if you set your sights on someone while you're not out in a social meeting ground such as a bar or club? we often come across people we'd like to meet at places like a mall, bookstore, or downtown somewhere. personally, i wouldn't encourage talking to a stranger in places like these, because you don't know how busy they are or what they're there for. as i previously mentioned, bars and clubs typically work out best because everyone is there for the same reason. to have a few drinks and be around people.
speaking of drinks. downing a few helps when it comes to approaching someone. it takes the edge off. they don't call it liquid courage for nothing. sometimes the shit works like a charm. but never overdue it. that can sometimes act as the ultimate hate bomb. girls don't like a stumbling fool with eyes halfway shut. furthermore, never become dependent on it. that will just open up a whole new can of worms for you to deal with.
be confident, but don't get too cocky. no one likes a self-absorbed tool. besides, girls can sense a rooster from a mile away. just like a friend of mine who shall remain nameless, who seems to believe he's god's gift to women. be sure that you have some pre-meditated questions to bring up in case you find yourself at a loss for words. default questions like "so what do you do for fun?" and "what's one thing you can't get enough of?" switch things up. keep conversation interesting and ask a lot of questions...get to know them. hell, i'm jumping ahead of myself. you don't even need to be very impressive with your words to get someone remotely interested in you. a simple smile and introductory often suffices. be easy going and maybe throw a joke in there. come off cool and things will be just that.
but do remember this. rejection DOES take place and WILL if you get yourself out there. this is when it's helpful to become very good at lying to yourself. if you become a victim of rejection, convince yourself that something is wrong with HER and that SHE has bad taste and fails to see the good in you.
"they'll have you suicidal."
-jem
p.s. to answer a question raised in my last bulletin...
... true love is something you hold onto.
*note: i apologize for trailing off. i did not intend for this to turn into a 'how to approach a girl for dummies' tutorial. so to answer my original question; i believe rejection itself takes the cake over the actual fear of it. although the popular saying "the biggest risk is not taking one" proves to believe that the fear of rejection is far worse, i like to think that you can't strike out if you never step up to the plate. and though you may argue with "if you never bat, you can't get on base."... if you put yourself together right, you'll get a lucky walk now and again, or in this case, approached by the opposite sex as opposed to being the aggressor. but, i'll say this, my answer has definitely changed over the years...so i guess it all varies depending on where we're at during that moment in time.
on one hand, we have the agonizing mental picture of hearing the exact opposite of what it is we want to hear. "no thanks, i have a boyfriend." which is best possible way to get rejected. but then there's "i'm sorry, are you lost?" or even worse, a simple back turn. although it's something that isn't tangible, it definitely exists. it's a fear that brews in the pit of our stomach, and constricts us from doing things our heart tells us to do...or hormones...thus leaving us feeling like we're missing out on life. a definite obstacle that can, by some of us, only be curbed after four long islands, but by others, never curbed at all.
on the other hand, we have the harsh reality of rejection itself, which can be defined as an individual which is deliberately excluded from a social relationship or social interaction. when this takes place, it can bruise our ego, scar our self-esteem, or leave us staring in a mirror asking "what is wrong with me?" feeling like an ugly and worthless schmo that has nothing to offer the opposite sex, we're compelled to call it an early night only to pop a dvd in, dive into a box of cold pizza, or for you ladies, a fresh carton of rocky road ice cream. correction: do women even get rejected? is that humanly possible for a male to do?
now i know what you're thinking. i'm doing a lot of talking but not proposing any answers.
so which is worse?
personally, i was always the guy that would allow the fear of rejection get the best of him when it came to approaching the opposite sex. i'd create all kinds of scenarios and possible outcomes in my head. "what if she says this" or "what if she does that." and one thing that i've learned while being on this rock is that dwelling and over-analyzing the situation will only make approaching a possible prospect that much more difficult. but over the years, this is something i've learned to overcome.
overcoming the fear of rejection is no easy task and requires getting your hands dirty, so to speak. even if making friends is easy for you, and you may even consider yourself a social butterfly...you can still be shy when it comes to striking up a conversation with a perfect stranger of the opposite sex.
first rule. it is important to know who to approach. is that person even making themselves seem approachable? is she the hottest girl in the place? know where you stand and never try to break the ice with someone who intimidates you. not if you're still learning, at least. take baby steps and don't start off looking to win the jackpot. i advise you not to approach the girl at the bar getting all the attention from barking males, milking them for free drinks and cheesy compliments. instead, give a shout to her buffalo butt friend that the other guys are overlooking. hell, even if you don't find her so attractive. like they say in anything competitive, practice makes perfect. and believe me, the bar/club scene is definitely a competitive sport. at least it is when you're single.
next. get comfortable with approaching people. don't be over-zealous, too aggressive, or corny with your pick-up lines. try being honest and friendly. there's nothing worse than a shy person trying too hard to break out of their shell. words come out wrong, they don't convey their thoughts properly, and things can turn into a huge mess. for the most part, people that are out for drinks are there to be social. they're there to meet people, mingle, show off their new shirt, etc. but remember, rejection does happen and will happen to you if you throw yourself out there enough. this is when it's key to remember that you're somebody that possesses "the attitude." the attitude? the attitude dictates you don't care if she comes, lays, stays or preys. whatever happens your toes are still tappin'. and when you got that...well, then you got the attitude.
that's fine, james...but what if you set your sights on someone while you're not out in a social meeting ground such as a bar or club? we often come across people we'd like to meet at places like a mall, bookstore, or downtown somewhere. personally, i wouldn't encourage talking to a stranger in places like these, because you don't know how busy they are or what they're there for. as i previously mentioned, bars and clubs typically work out best because everyone is there for the same reason. to have a few drinks and be around people.
speaking of drinks. downing a few helps when it comes to approaching someone. it takes the edge off. they don't call it liquid courage for nothing. sometimes the shit works like a charm. but never overdue it. that can sometimes act as the ultimate hate bomb. girls don't like a stumbling fool with eyes halfway shut. furthermore, never become dependent on it. that will just open up a whole new can of worms for you to deal with.
be confident, but don't get too cocky. no one likes a self-absorbed tool. besides, girls can sense a rooster from a mile away. just like a friend of mine who shall remain nameless, who seems to believe he's god's gift to women. be sure that you have some pre-meditated questions to bring up in case you find yourself at a loss for words. default questions like "so what do you do for fun?" and "what's one thing you can't get enough of?" switch things up. keep conversation interesting and ask a lot of questions...get to know them. hell, i'm jumping ahead of myself. you don't even need to be very impressive with your words to get someone remotely interested in you. a simple smile and introductory often suffices. be easy going and maybe throw a joke in there. come off cool and things will be just that.
but do remember this. rejection DOES take place and WILL if you get yourself out there. this is when it's helpful to become very good at lying to yourself. if you become a victim of rejection, convince yourself that something is wrong with HER and that SHE has bad taste and fails to see the good in you.
"they'll have you suicidal."
-jem
p.s. to answer a question raised in my last bulletin...
... true love is something you hold onto.
*note: i apologize for trailing off. i did not intend for this to turn into a 'how to approach a girl for dummies' tutorial. so to answer my original question; i believe rejection itself takes the cake over the actual fear of it. although the popular saying "the biggest risk is not taking one" proves to believe that the fear of rejection is far worse, i like to think that you can't strike out if you never step up to the plate. and though you may argue with "if you never bat, you can't get on base."... if you put yourself together right, you'll get a lucky walk now and again, or in this case, approached by the opposite sex as opposed to being the aggressor. but, i'll say this, my answer has definitely changed over the years...so i guess it all varies depending on where we're at during that moment in time.