Changes and Efforts (drabble)
Changes and Efforts (drabble)
YooSu, DBSJ, angst, friendship, AU
people mostly stay blind at things you want them to notice but there would always be that special someone who'll stay by your side whatever may happen
A/N: a dream
“Why do you always fucking look only at my bad side? Can't you see that I'm freaking doing my efforts too?” I was pissed, extremely pissed. They were my friends, aren't they? So why are they judging me too much? This has been going on for months and I'm already doing my best to change!
Their faces were full of shock as they heard what I said, their mouths slightly agape. But the very person I considered as my mother had a disappointed look on his face. I scoffed and rolled my eyes; he was thinking that I didn't accept my failures and mistakes again, that I'm defending myself cause I think that I'm the one who's always right.
But, fuck, no! He doesn't know what's on my mind. He doesn't even know how I feel! He doesn't even see my efforts on changing. Why? … Because he won't even look at it! I'm trying my best, can't they see that? I'm just tired, too fucking tired of this.
I sighed as I felt tears pooling my eyes, I continued, “I'm being hurt too, don't you know? Why don't you feel or see that? The times when the two of you,” I emphasized, looking at my friends that I considered my parents, “talk about me as if I'm the only one who does all the sins in this freaking world … don't you think I don't hear you? Those looks on your faces, those looks of disappointments and irritations, do you think that I don't see it? Do you think that I'm fucking blind?” I screamed at them, my tears already falling from my cheeks.
I gulped as I stood up and turned my backs to them. “Why won't you try to look on my good side too? Why don't you look for the efforts that I'm doing so that I could change to what you fucking think is better?” I harshly removed the tear stains on my face with the back of my hand before looking at my so-called mother. “I thought you said that changing doesn't happen fast. I thought you said that this won't happen again?” I laughed bitterly at myself. “Or maybe I misheard? Or were you just faking it all this time? I'm trying my best can't you fucking see?”
I looked at the sky above us and heaved a deep breath using my mouth and exhaled. “I know that I do mistakes - I know, of course, since I'm only a human being. I also know that I can't control myself. But, what? What the freaking fuck do you expect me to do? I can't just be who you want me to be within a snap of a finger! I can't be who you want to be, simply to be put! I have my own fucking limitations too!”
I looked at my other friends, and rolled my eyes. “Am I the only one who makes mistakes here? Am I the only one who needs to be fucking reprimanded? Just because my personality is the most different from all of you, I receive all these?”
I pointed at one of my friends, shouting, “You! You're too shallow, you take everything as a mistake, as a freaking problem. You also think that no one talks to you, that we're awkward with each other even though we're supposed to be friends!” I scoffed and bit my lower lip before bringing my arm down and tucking it inside my pant's pockets. “Well, you're the only one who thinks that. I'm giving all my effort to talk to you, to stay by your side, but what? FUCKING WHAT? You stay silent! You reply with short phrases, sentences, words, whichever! You don't even freaking start a topic yourself! What? Am I the only one who's going to do the effort? Every conversation is a give and take, freaking got it?”
I looked at my other friend and sighed, “You are too negative, you know? If you want to do something, do it! Don't cry to us when you haven't even tried, saying that you were supposed to be the one. It's your freaking choice, damn it! And don't say you're too stressed because you're not the only one in this world! We are all trying our best to live! So why do you cry, huh? Because all things are thrown onto you? The fuck, no!”
I sighed and gulped. I looked at all of them before turning around. Walking away is the best option, isn't it? So I did that, not forgetting to say, I don't hate you, guys, I don't want you to hate me either. I just want to clear out my frustration since nothing would happen if we continue this nonsense. Everybody makes mistakes, you, and of course myself. I'm sorry for everything, just please forgive me.
“Junsu - ya!” I heard a calming voice call for me, I looked up and smiled, my eyes filled with tears, and maybe my face so red because of exhaustion. It was Yoochun. God, thank you for such a perfect timing. I ran to him and hugged him like a life-line.
Yoochun stumbled a bit as he caught me, a worried expression on his face. “What happened, baby? Why are you crying?”
I just sniffed and held on him tighter. “Nothing. Nothing happened. Just please forever be by my side, okay? I don't want you to leave me.”
“Of course, baby. Of course.”