(no subject)
Amelia Pond: What's wrong with you?
The Doctor: Wrong with me? It's not my fault. Why can't you give me any decent food? You're Scottish, fry something.
- Doctor Who, episode 5.01
14-year-old boy #1: You ever play any Chopin?
14-year-old boy #2: Yeah, I played one of his last year.
14-year-old boy #1: Can you play Fantasie-Impromptu? That one's mad hard.
14-year-old boy #2: No, I did an Etude. That's where you play scales and shit.
14-year-old boy #1: I read that he, like, bridged the gap between the classical and romantic eras.
14-year-old boy #2: No way, dude. You ever hear his Nocturnes? That shit is mad romantic. You're thinking of Beethoven.
14-year-old boy #1: Oh, right. Beethoven. He was a pimp.
- overheardinnyc.com
"My whole life I've wanted to feel comfortable in my skin. It's the most liberating thing in the world." - Drew Barrymore
Flight attendant: Welcome to Acapulco, where the local time is party time.
- overheardatthebeach.com
Female audience member: Mr. Colbert, have you been fucking Matt Damon?
Stephen Colbert: Why? Did his dick taste like me?
- celebritywit.com
"My relationship with my body is like that of an egomaniac with a self-esteem problem. Mostly I think about myself and how much I suck. But there are rare moments when I walk around for hours and think I look amazing. Either I feel great about myself or I’ve decided some guy is checking me out. Then I catch a side view of myself in a store window or a department store mirror and I’m plunged into despair. If I could always live in a place with no mirrors or disapproving glances, I would think I was the prettiest girl around." - Conversations with the Fat Girl, Liza Palmer
Little girl: How do you spell your name?
Father: D-a-d-d-y.
Little girl: Shark?
- overheardinnyc.com
Stefon: New York's hottest club is WESH. Nine year old Tokyo pimp Ichi Yakaguro is back with an all new hot spot that answers the question: 'WHAAT!?' This place has everything: trance, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powder, Teddy Graham people...
Seth: Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I gotta stop you for a sec...what are 'Teddy Graham people'?
Stefon: It's that thing of like when a guy has the stumpy arms but with the belly....
Seth: Yeah, that's definately not a thing.
Stefon: No, it is.
- Weekend Update, SNL
Stefon: New York's hottest club is TASTE. Nightlife designer Tranny Gryffith is back with an all new club that answers the question: 'Huh...?' Don't look for a bouncer - there isn't one. Instead the door is guarded by ten jacked homeless guys in old fashioned bathing suits. And inside is just sick: ice sculpturs, winos, Germfs...
Seth: Germfs?
Stefon: Germfs are German Smurfs.
Seth: Of course.
Stefon: ...a Teddy Ruxpin wearing mascara, an old lady with kitten-play hair and none other than DJ Baby Bachchoi.
Seth: Stefon, who is DJ Baby Bachchoi?
Stefon: He's a giant, three-hundred pound Chinese baby who wears tinted aviator glasses and he spins records with his little ravioli hands.
- Weekend Update, SNL
"Mom...how old is Lady Gaga? I’m kinda confused because she looks like she’s from the future." - Ryan, the almost 7 year old caitlinplus1 nannys
Stefon: New York's hottest club is SLASH. This place has everything: glass, steam, bear traps, and just when you think the fun is over: Knock, knock, who's there? It's black George Washington! All that and a party room filled with Human Bathmats.
Seth: What is a 'Human Bathmat'?
Stefon: It's that thing of when like midgets have dread-locks and they lay face down on the floor...
Seth: Stefon, we asked you here tonight for you to tell us some New York summer fun spots... And then you came out here and then you told us things that sound like nightmares of a crystal meth addict.
- Weekend Update, SNL
"I like it here in Denver and all, but you're so pretentious about the altitude. I swear, I'm not making this up, there's an oxygen tank backstage. And they're like, 'You might need to use this during the show, Conan.' Come on! It's not like you're on Saturn. And you guys are like, we're not just a mile high, but we're going to build an opera house that's 42 stories high! We don't need oxygen like all you lame...humans." - Conan O'Brien
Steve: Stanley Matthews was playing First Division football when he was fifty.
Paul: I'll bet you any money you like you're not playing First Division football when you're fifty.
Steve: [looks at his cigarette] Well, no. It's the smoking.
Paul: It's NOT the smoking, Steve. It's the crapness.
- Fever Pitch
"That is quality stitching. Damn the tiny brown hands that made this!" - Verna, 30 Rock
Hipster #1: I'm not a hipster. I'm a bisexual Jew with a penchant for interning at alternative magazines and weeklies.
Hipster #2: You've got the words "bisexual, Jew, penchant, interning," and "alternative" in a single sentence. Dude, that is the definition of hipster.
- overheardinnyc.com
"Welcome to Iceland, there is no sunlight. You are on fire, a demon takes your face. COME TO ICELAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!! AND GIVE US YOUR EYYYYYYYYEEESS!!!!" - Kristen Wiig as Bjork, SNL
Amy Pond: One little girl crying...so?
The Doctor: Crying silently. I mean children cry because they all want attention cause they’re hurt or afraid, but when they cry silently its because they just can’t stop. Any parent knows that.
- Doctor Who, episode 5.02
"A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth." - Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Buzz Aldrin: Sure, I'm a famous astronaut, decorated fighter pilot, doctorate from MIT, but even I sometimes...I see you! I see what you're doing! Return to the night! You've no business here!
Liz: Are you talking to the moon?
- 30 Rock
"The other day in English there were a couple guys talking while our teacher was talking. This was a common occurrence so I just ignored them. My teacher, however, told them if they didn't shut up he would place their desks at the very front and face them across from each other like a 'date'. They stopped talking for all of 10 seconds so he told them to move their desks to the front. Once positioned as a 'date' my teacher then proceeded to play romantic music from his laptop and turn off all the lights. The 2 guys who were on a 'date' couldn't even look at each other it was so awkward. I always knew he was my favourite teacher. MLIA." - mylifeisaverage.com
"It's very dear to me, the issue of gay marriage. Or as I like to call it: 'marriage'. You know, because I had lunch this afternoon, not gay lunch. I parked my car; I didn't gay park it." - Liz Feldman
"I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I'm watching "Lost." And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame, and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed - like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms, like a damned Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me. Even when I'm old. And that's what I want." - Liz Lemon, 30 Rock
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore." - Neil Gaiman
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." - Friedrich Nietzsche
Little girl, singing: Now we open door! Go to coffee store! Now we get a muffin...
Tired-looking mom: No more muffins.
Little girl, still singing: Now we beg for more!
- overheardinnyc.com
"I want to tell her how hot she is but, she’ll think I’m sexist. She’s so hot she’s making me sexist...bitch." - Flight of the Conchords
"I need some cash. I'm spending all my money on medical marijuana bills. They think I have glaucoma, but I just throw some crazy-ass parties." - Betty White
"I’m really proud to be an American, and I’m embarrassed to be a Californian right now. I’m disgusted that in a world that is so full of hatred and bigotry and war and famine... you know, we’re watching children overseas dying every day of starvation and Malaria... and we’re criticizing two people for loving each other. I think it’s devastating, and I just think it’s so sad that when we’ve been so progressive, we’ve also taken so many steps backwards." - Sophia Bush
"I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm gonna get real weird with it." - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
"He was my steady at Montclair High. The night before he was shipped off to Korea, I repeatedly lost my virginity to him while Waldo, the town perv, watched from the bushes." - Liz's Mom, 30 Rock
Buzz: Would you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?
Liz: Yes... please!
Buzz: I own you!
Liz: You dumb moon!
Buzz: I walked on your face!
Liz: Don’t you know it’s day!? Idiot!
- 30 Rock
"Some people think I’m a sick human being but I’m okay with that. Because my fans like me just the way that I am and I’m myself, and so are you, and don’t you fucking change a thing about yourselves. Got it? So put your hands up and remember that all over the world this is the symbol for the little monsters, for the Lady Gaga fans. This is the hand that you made so famous so when anyone ever tells you no, or you don’t feel like you fit in, you just remember that you fit in here at the Monster Ball and here you can be whoever you wanna be. So tonight, let’s raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts of all my fucked up friends." - Lady Gaga
"God enjoins you to treat women well, for they are your mothers, daughters, aunts." - Muhammad
Liz: Sex always makes things worse! This isn't fair to Nancy, you have to tell her about Avery.
Jack: I know, but Nancy is not Avery. Avery is cool, collected, descended from Swedish valley people. Nancy is a fiery Irish nut-job descended from bog people!
- 30 Rock
Wesley: I wouldn't be here if there was anybody else. I'm your best option. And you're mine! You see, I uh, lost my job two days ago and am now facing a little residency issue...
Liz: What?!
Wesley: I don't want to go back to England! I can't suffer through the London Olympics. We're not prepared, Liz! Did you see the Beijing opening ceremonies? We don't have control over our people like that!
- 30 Rock
"I don't know what depression is. Perhaps I am depressed. I don't feel depressed. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel sorrowful. But I don't feel weighed down, unable to smile or laugh, unable to find moments of joy and lightheartedness. I don't feel like pulling the covers over my head. I don't wish for happy oblivion. I look forward to each day. I feel that good things are around the corner. None of that keeps me from being sad. I spend half my waking hours tight-throated, holding down the urge to cry. But I still have fun and carefree periods. I don't know if that's healthy or just plain weird." - Jim Beaver
"Everything worth knowing leaves bruises." - unknown
"I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs. I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a ribcage. A ribcage! Some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish! I seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom. I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it. I seen a hooker eat a tire. A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully manned a Wendy's! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in was named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time. I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo. THEY WERE VERY DRUNK!" - Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock
"We rarely hear the inward music, but we're all dancing to it nevertheless." - Rumi
"Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within." - Sigmund Freud
The Doctor: Wrong with me? It's not my fault. Why can't you give me any decent food? You're Scottish, fry something.
- Doctor Who, episode 5.01
14-year-old boy #1: You ever play any Chopin?
14-year-old boy #2: Yeah, I played one of his last year.
14-year-old boy #1: Can you play Fantasie-Impromptu? That one's mad hard.
14-year-old boy #2: No, I did an Etude. That's where you play scales and shit.
14-year-old boy #1: I read that he, like, bridged the gap between the classical and romantic eras.
14-year-old boy #2: No way, dude. You ever hear his Nocturnes? That shit is mad romantic. You're thinking of Beethoven.
14-year-old boy #1: Oh, right. Beethoven. He was a pimp.
- overheardinnyc.com
"My whole life I've wanted to feel comfortable in my skin. It's the most liberating thing in the world." - Drew Barrymore
Flight attendant: Welcome to Acapulco, where the local time is party time.
- overheardatthebeach.com
Female audience member: Mr. Colbert, have you been fucking Matt Damon?
Stephen Colbert: Why? Did his dick taste like me?
- celebritywit.com
"My relationship with my body is like that of an egomaniac with a self-esteem problem. Mostly I think about myself and how much I suck. But there are rare moments when I walk around for hours and think I look amazing. Either I feel great about myself or I’ve decided some guy is checking me out. Then I catch a side view of myself in a store window or a department store mirror and I’m plunged into despair. If I could always live in a place with no mirrors or disapproving glances, I would think I was the prettiest girl around." - Conversations with the Fat Girl, Liza Palmer
Little girl: How do you spell your name?
Father: D-a-d-d-y.
Little girl: Shark?
- overheardinnyc.com
Stefon: New York's hottest club is WESH. Nine year old Tokyo pimp Ichi Yakaguro is back with an all new hot spot that answers the question: 'WHAAT!?' This place has everything: trance, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powder, Teddy Graham people...
Seth: Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I gotta stop you for a sec...what are 'Teddy Graham people'?
Stefon: It's that thing of like when a guy has the stumpy arms but with the belly....
Seth: Yeah, that's definately not a thing.
Stefon: No, it is.
- Weekend Update, SNL
Stefon: New York's hottest club is TASTE. Nightlife designer Tranny Gryffith is back with an all new club that answers the question: 'Huh...?' Don't look for a bouncer - there isn't one. Instead the door is guarded by ten jacked homeless guys in old fashioned bathing suits. And inside is just sick: ice sculpturs, winos, Germfs...
Seth: Germfs?
Stefon: Germfs are German Smurfs.
Seth: Of course.
Stefon: ...a Teddy Ruxpin wearing mascara, an old lady with kitten-play hair and none other than DJ Baby Bachchoi.
Seth: Stefon, who is DJ Baby Bachchoi?
Stefon: He's a giant, three-hundred pound Chinese baby who wears tinted aviator glasses and he spins records with his little ravioli hands.
- Weekend Update, SNL
"Mom...how old is Lady Gaga? I’m kinda confused because she looks like she’s from the future." - Ryan, the almost 7 year old caitlinplus1 nannys
Stefon: New York's hottest club is SLASH. This place has everything: glass, steam, bear traps, and just when you think the fun is over: Knock, knock, who's there? It's black George Washington! All that and a party room filled with Human Bathmats.
Seth: What is a 'Human Bathmat'?
Stefon: It's that thing of when like midgets have dread-locks and they lay face down on the floor...
Seth: Stefon, we asked you here tonight for you to tell us some New York summer fun spots... And then you came out here and then you told us things that sound like nightmares of a crystal meth addict.
- Weekend Update, SNL
"I like it here in Denver and all, but you're so pretentious about the altitude. I swear, I'm not making this up, there's an oxygen tank backstage. And they're like, 'You might need to use this during the show, Conan.' Come on! It's not like you're on Saturn. And you guys are like, we're not just a mile high, but we're going to build an opera house that's 42 stories high! We don't need oxygen like all you lame...humans." - Conan O'Brien
Steve: Stanley Matthews was playing First Division football when he was fifty.
Paul: I'll bet you any money you like you're not playing First Division football when you're fifty.
Steve: [looks at his cigarette] Well, no. It's the smoking.
Paul: It's NOT the smoking, Steve. It's the crapness.
- Fever Pitch
"That is quality stitching. Damn the tiny brown hands that made this!" - Verna, 30 Rock
Hipster #1: I'm not a hipster. I'm a bisexual Jew with a penchant for interning at alternative magazines and weeklies.
Hipster #2: You've got the words "bisexual, Jew, penchant, interning," and "alternative" in a single sentence. Dude, that is the definition of hipster.
- overheardinnyc.com
"Welcome to Iceland, there is no sunlight. You are on fire, a demon takes your face. COME TO ICELAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!! AND GIVE US YOUR EYYYYYYYYEEESS!!!!" - Kristen Wiig as Bjork, SNL
Amy Pond: One little girl crying...so?
The Doctor: Crying silently. I mean children cry because they all want attention cause they’re hurt or afraid, but when they cry silently its because they just can’t stop. Any parent knows that.
- Doctor Who, episode 5.02
"A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth." - Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Buzz Aldrin: Sure, I'm a famous astronaut, decorated fighter pilot, doctorate from MIT, but even I sometimes...I see you! I see what you're doing! Return to the night! You've no business here!
Liz: Are you talking to the moon?
- 30 Rock
"The other day in English there were a couple guys talking while our teacher was talking. This was a common occurrence so I just ignored them. My teacher, however, told them if they didn't shut up he would place their desks at the very front and face them across from each other like a 'date'. They stopped talking for all of 10 seconds so he told them to move their desks to the front. Once positioned as a 'date' my teacher then proceeded to play romantic music from his laptop and turn off all the lights. The 2 guys who were on a 'date' couldn't even look at each other it was so awkward. I always knew he was my favourite teacher. MLIA." - mylifeisaverage.com
"It's very dear to me, the issue of gay marriage. Or as I like to call it: 'marriage'. You know, because I had lunch this afternoon, not gay lunch. I parked my car; I didn't gay park it." - Liz Feldman
"I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I'm watching "Lost." And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame, and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed - like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms, like a damned Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me. Even when I'm old. And that's what I want." - Liz Lemon, 30 Rock
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore." - Neil Gaiman
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." - Friedrich Nietzsche
Little girl, singing: Now we open door! Go to coffee store! Now we get a muffin...
Tired-looking mom: No more muffins.
Little girl, still singing: Now we beg for more!
- overheardinnyc.com
"I want to tell her how hot she is but, she’ll think I’m sexist. She’s so hot she’s making me sexist...bitch." - Flight of the Conchords
"I need some cash. I'm spending all my money on medical marijuana bills. They think I have glaucoma, but I just throw some crazy-ass parties." - Betty White
"I’m really proud to be an American, and I’m embarrassed to be a Californian right now. I’m disgusted that in a world that is so full of hatred and bigotry and war and famine... you know, we’re watching children overseas dying every day of starvation and Malaria... and we’re criticizing two people for loving each other. I think it’s devastating, and I just think it’s so sad that when we’ve been so progressive, we’ve also taken so many steps backwards." - Sophia Bush
"I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm gonna get real weird with it." - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
"He was my steady at Montclair High. The night before he was shipped off to Korea, I repeatedly lost my virginity to him while Waldo, the town perv, watched from the bushes." - Liz's Mom, 30 Rock
Buzz: Would you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?
Liz: Yes... please!
Buzz: I own you!
Liz: You dumb moon!
Buzz: I walked on your face!
Liz: Don’t you know it’s day!? Idiot!
- 30 Rock
"Some people think I’m a sick human being but I’m okay with that. Because my fans like me just the way that I am and I’m myself, and so are you, and don’t you fucking change a thing about yourselves. Got it? So put your hands up and remember that all over the world this is the symbol for the little monsters, for the Lady Gaga fans. This is the hand that you made so famous so when anyone ever tells you no, or you don’t feel like you fit in, you just remember that you fit in here at the Monster Ball and here you can be whoever you wanna be. So tonight, let’s raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts of all my fucked up friends." - Lady Gaga
"God enjoins you to treat women well, for they are your mothers, daughters, aunts." - Muhammad
Liz: Sex always makes things worse! This isn't fair to Nancy, you have to tell her about Avery.
Jack: I know, but Nancy is not Avery. Avery is cool, collected, descended from Swedish valley people. Nancy is a fiery Irish nut-job descended from bog people!
- 30 Rock
Wesley: I wouldn't be here if there was anybody else. I'm your best option. And you're mine! You see, I uh, lost my job two days ago and am now facing a little residency issue...
Liz: What?!
Wesley: I don't want to go back to England! I can't suffer through the London Olympics. We're not prepared, Liz! Did you see the Beijing opening ceremonies? We don't have control over our people like that!
- 30 Rock
"I don't know what depression is. Perhaps I am depressed. I don't feel depressed. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel sorrowful. But I don't feel weighed down, unable to smile or laugh, unable to find moments of joy and lightheartedness. I don't feel like pulling the covers over my head. I don't wish for happy oblivion. I look forward to each day. I feel that good things are around the corner. None of that keeps me from being sad. I spend half my waking hours tight-throated, holding down the urge to cry. But I still have fun and carefree periods. I don't know if that's healthy or just plain weird." - Jim Beaver
"Everything worth knowing leaves bruises." - unknown
"I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs. I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a ribcage. A ribcage! Some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish! I seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom. I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it. I seen a hooker eat a tire. A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully manned a Wendy's! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in was named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time. I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo. THEY WERE VERY DRUNK!" - Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock
"We rarely hear the inward music, but we're all dancing to it nevertheless." - Rumi
"Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within." - Sigmund Freud