Another Night.......
Another night, another opportunity to fuck up, and thats what I did, cause thats what I seem to do best. I've fucked up this whole week, and I've fucked up the last month. Nothing has gone right since christmas, NOTHING. I fucking hate working, I fucking hate doing anything. I wanna be able to sit back and fucking enjoy life, instead I find myself working shit hours for shit pay at a shit store. I work hard, but I doubt anyone'll ever notice. Every night I have a lunch I call kristin, and I hate calling her not because I don't want to talk, but because I want to talk in person, I can't say everything's gunna be alright and then tell her I have to go back and work 5 more hours, thats bullshit. I should be by her, but I fucked that up by not changing my hours, and that is my fault and no one else's. I hate this shit. So I fucking sit here alone (as usual) with my beer wanting so bad not to be here, for it to not be twelve 17. I want it to be noon on a beach somewhere, where I'm sitting there sipping haitian cocktails with krisitn, and then later on, we'll meet up with all of our friends for like a big party kinda thing, I wish that was my reality, but its not. My reality is the A&P and having no one happy with me. Kristin's mad at me which is understandable, my mother is mad at me, my grandmother is mad at me, I'm mad at me, and I'm sure there's a whole other list of people who are mad at me right now. I feel like I haven't done anything write, but I don't know what the right thing to do is. In my mind the first response is "give up, you can't handle it, give up, quite work" but in reality no one will ever be happy with me if I quit, I just have to fix it. I don't know, I just feel fucking helpless right now, like I just want everybody to be happy with what I do and for somone to fucking say "good job" once in a while, but I guess until I do a good job I won't hear those words. I hate myself, I hate my life right now. I just want everybody to be happy with me, and I want everybody to be happy with everything and thats the problem I don't know how to do it right. I'm not used to this, I'm not used to having to divide my time like this. I've never had anyone who I loved so much be so mad/dissappointed with me, and I don't know what to do. I think my biggest problem is that I want to give kristin the world, because she deserves it, but If I don't work I can't give her anything, and she deserves someone better then me, someone who can give her all the things that he wants and doesn't have to think twice about it, somone who is there for her, not somone who'll be there after his 4-12 shift at the A&P gets off. I feel more and more worthless everyday, like I'm a constant dissappointment, I hate this shit. I hate the fact that I don't know what to do, and I hate the fact that I'm even thinking like this. I just don't feel like I'm good enough to be anything, not even human. I'm just an animal thats here to take orders, I don't know how to stand up for myself, I don't know how to fight for myself, I don't know how to do anything, I'm useless to the human race. There'll be other cashiers, it doesn't take any special skills. I just wish I had the skills to balance my life. To strike that perfect balance that allows me to spend time with everything and everyone that means somthing to me. But what I have right now is just a world of compromise, the only problem is that I have yet to make any compromises, its everybody else keeps doing that for me. I hate it. I hate myself, I hate my life and I don't mean you know little whiny thirteen year old "I hate my life" I mean I understand my problems in life, I have a grasp on them, I just cannot deal with them and they are overwhelming me, and I hate it.