ugh.

Aug 23, 2008 20:55

i feel like i've been in a constant state of grief and mourning since last april. i wonder if i ever will feel secure again. i'm afraid everything i have is going to abandon me. or i'm going to run away from it because i'm just unable to believe that anything is lasting right now. i love this city. but the regret i have when i am here for the life i ruined hurts me like a physical pain. i miss dane. i miss sadie. it just fucking hurts. it hurts that they aren't more a part of my life. it hurts that all of my friends are gone. it hurts that grant is gone. it hurts that mark is gone. i want them back so badly. it just isn't fair. i really knew mark and i really knew grant. i knew the dreams they had, i watched them struggle through hard times thinking that they were fighting through them to get to the days that would be good. i know and deeply understand with complete empathy the demons they battled. why am i the one who lived through it? i so badly want them back.
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