Text Messages, Sad but Real
Mike/Me
"First of all I didn't blow you off yesterday. I was cleaning my house until 12:30am last night. I kept checking my phone to see if you left me messages and I didn't have anything to say because, like I said, I didn't want to make the same claims I have before. I want to tell you that I did something after I do it. I was very depressed yesterday and I was realizing that I hadn't done a lot of things I want to do. I'm sorry I upset you."
Mon, Oct 22 12:18 PM
"I'm on my way to RVCC right now. Not for you though, for myself. I don't want and I'm not going to keep staying in retail."
Mon, Oct 22 12:35 PM
"You're right. I haven't been trying to be better. That has to change. I didn't mean to deceive you."
Mon, Oct 22 12:47 PM
"I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T DESERVE YOU! I am serious about getting my life in order that's why I went to rv today. I've NEVER said I deserve you."
Mon, Oct 22 1:33 PM
"I'll call you after work."
Mon, Oct 22 1:39 PM
"10"
Mon, Oct 22 1:42 PM
"Because I'm tired of giving up on things. I'm not going to do that with you. If you decide that you don't want me that's fine, but I'm not just going to let you leave me because of a text message argument. I will talk to you at 10 when I get out of here."
Mon, Oct 22 2:57 PM
"Can you talk for a second? I just want to clear something up."
Mon, Oct 22 5:03 PM
"No I'll wait."
Mon, Oct 22 5:06 PM
"Fine. How was I lying to you about wanting to get my life together when I'm going to in back to school? It wasn't untrue that I want that to happen. I was just sad about my own procrastination, and you act like I was lying about my intent."
Mon, Oct 22 5:16 PM
"Ok. Then you're tight about that then. I don't need to call you later then."
Mon, Oct 22 5:26 PM
"The only thing I can say is that I am trying now. I didn't have enough money to register for classes yet, but I will next week. I'm sorry I made you so upset."
Mon, Oct 22 5:33 PM
"I don't have a leg to stand on. What would you say if you were me? I need you. You push me in good directions. I love you and want to change for you. I was a 23 year old, part time, retail worker when you met me and you're surprised that I have trouble motivating myself? Didn't you think about that when we first started dating? I don't want to be like that. I usually let myself give up on things and the ract that I'm not running away from you, despite what you think, is a good step for me. It shows I'm growing a little bit. If I were like I was before we wouldn't be together now."
Mon, Oct 22 7:17 PM
"If I pushed you it wouldn't have taken ten months. Ten months of deceit. How could you tell me you loved me so much and lie to me? What did our relationship even mean to you if you would do that? Build it on a facade?"
Mon, Oct 22 7:26 PM
"How as our ENTIRE built on a facade?"
Mon, Oct 22 7:45 PM
"You always said we should be open with each other, and you weren't being genuine. And you yelled at me for being a hypocrite."
Mon, Oct 22 7:47 AM
"If I didn't want to in back to school woudl you still be with me?"
Mon, Oct 22 8:05 PM
"I would have made that decision if you had been honest from the start. Both with me and yourself."
Mon, Oct 22 8:06 AM
"I don't think you would have."
Mon, Oct 22 10:16 PM
"It would have been less damanging if you had been honest versus going back to school and deceiving me. And would I have been to blame if I hadn't? You wouldn't know my reasons now, and the situation would have been different, making it impossible to know now."
Mon, Oct 22 10:24 PM
"That's true."
Mon, Oct 22 10:26 PM
"If you have something to say to me, call me. I can't call you."
Mon, Oct 22 10:28 AM
"I don't have anything else to say."
Mon, Oct 22 10:29 PM
"Then why did you say earlier that you were going to talk to me?"
Mon, Oct 22 10:31 PM
"Well I wanted to, but I already asked you what I wanted to know."
Mon, Oct 22 10:35 PM
"I wasn't going to tell you, but it doesn't even matter. I am coming home Wednesday night and staying until Thursday. But if you can't even think of a reason to call me, I don't know why you would bother to see me."
Mon, Oct 22 11:08 PM
"Thursday of next week? Sorry my phone died."
Tue, Oct 23 1:21 AM
"No. This week."
Tue, Oct 23 1:34 AM
"You're not coming home this weekend?"
Tue, Oct 23 1:35 AM
"I am."
Tue, Oct 23 1:35 AM
"I could see you Wednesday if you want."
Tue, Oct 23 1:38 AM
"Why do you want to see me if you don't even want to talk to me?'
Tue, Oct 23 1:47 AM
"I just don't have anything to say right now."
Tue, Oct 23 1:48 AM
"Then why do you want to see me?"
Tue, Oct 23 1:51 AM
"I still want to see you, and I may have something to say then. Do you not want me there?"
Tue, Oct 23 1:54 AM
"I don't understand how you have nothing to say to me. Absolutely nothing."
Tue, Oct 23 1:56 AM
"I told you I was sorry and that I didn't mean to deceive you. I don't know what you want me to say."
Tue, Oct 23 2:03 AM
"I don't have expectations. But you aren't trying."
Tue, Oct 23 2:19 AM
"All I can say is I don't believe our whole relationship is based on a facade. I do love you and I will get better. Not just for you but having you helps."
Tue, Oct 23 2:34 AM
"I don't even understand how you just saw all of this. And deceit isn't love. You abused my love."
Tue, Oct 23 2:40 AM
"I really never intend to hurt you. Mostof the itme I don't think of things the way you do, but after you explain things i understand why you get upset. I know i can be a person that you respect and love."
Tue, Oct 23 2:50 AM
"Not being genuine could only be hurtful. You weren't being real."
Tue, Oct 23 2:51 AM
"I genuinely want to be that person for you."
Tue, Oct 23 2:52 AM
"If loving and wanting to deserve me wasn't enough to motivate you before, I don't know why now is different."
Tue, Oct 23 2:55 AM
"Well now is also coming up on a new semester. I have a chance to go to school. And I'm taking it."
Tue, Oct 23 2:57 AM
"But you haven't changed. Tell me how you have. Yo uare someone who lied to a girl who gave herself completely to you, blindly."
Tue, Oct 23 2:59 AM
"Even though things aren't good right now, when I was watching 300 yesterday, in the seen where Leonitis is dying and sees his wife in a golden field I saw you on the screen. I would give anything if you would smile at me."
Tue, Oct 23 3:06 AM
"Every time I smiled up at you, you knew you weren't being real. I gave myself to you. You took me. And you knew."
Tue, Oct 23 3:09 AM
"I didn't change completely, but I am taking steps in the right direction. Getting to rv before work today is really good. And next week I can register for classes."
Tue, Oct 23 3:06 AM
"I knew I had a motivation problem, but the intent was and is there. But I can't prove it until I am signed up and go I guess."
Tue, Oct 23 3:12 AM
"You lied to me! About being serious and trying at all. You lied to me about yourself. And I gave myself to you. I let you inside of me and gave you my heart. And I had done that to only one other person."
Tue, Oct 23 3:18 AM
"I am really tired now. I'm going to sleep now. I'll talk to you soon."
Tue, Oct 23 3:20 AM
"Can you forgive me?'
Tue, Oct 23 3:20 AM
"How could you do that to me? I am only eighteen, and the only two men I have been with hurt me and abused my love."
Tue, Oct 23 3:22 AM
"I didn't mean to hurt you so badly. I really didn't think of it the way you do. And we could have a future without me going to school. I am going back though. I never want to hurt you in anyway. If I do it's usually because of ignorance in some way."
Tue, Oct 23 3:29 AM
"How can you claim ignorance when you knew all along? I let you inside of me and let you take me. And this entire time I was loyal to you."
Tue, Oct 23 3:33 AM
"And I've been loyal to you. I'm tired and going to bed. I love you."
Tue, Oct 23 4:12 AM
I was falling asleep by the end, hence my redundancy and lack of composure.
If he seriously doesn't realize when he is hurting me or doing things incorrectly, then our differences aren't just surface-oriented character traits. Maybe we are too fundamentally different for me to be happy again. It's hard to look at him now and not feel my insides twist. There were already little things before just from being different and him being different in a childish way. Now there are other, bigger gaps on top of that.
I think it may just be too much, even if I do still care. Love is never the only thing you need. At this point, it's honestly difficult to believe that he can give me the other things I need.
I'll give it some time, but unless something extraordinary happens (and any serious change would be extraordinary at this point), I can only go on for so long before just ending it. If I see him, I am going to tell him everything that I don't like about him and the relationship. I think then he will see things as clearly as possible.