Beat
SepukuElf: Hey ho there
asphyxiateit: yo
asphyxiateit: sup?
SepukuElf: Just in, another 12 hours
SepukuElf: Woo woo
asphyxiateit: more reading
asphyxiateit: ?
SepukuElf: Yes indeed. The repacement of the term "suspected terrorist" with "terrorist suspect". Propiganda
SepukuElf: With an a
SepukuElf: Propaganda
asphyxiateit: mmm semantics
SepukuElf: Important distinction, actually
SepukuElf: If you put terrorist first, it assumes guilt
SepukuElf: Anyway, what have you been doing?
asphyxiateit: it is important; I like the trickery of words
asphyxiateit: I had a good day, until just now
asphyxiateit: the good part was really excellent
asphyxiateit: I went out to lunch with Kristin, I went to my friend, Brian's, later
SepukuElf: Until just now, huh? YOU HATE ME!
asphyxiateit: pff, before that
SepukuElf: Naturally, I'm awesome
SepukuElf: So, what's up?
asphyxiateit: Brian's was bitching
asphyxiateit: I sledded for the first time and it made me feel really happy
asphyxiateit: it reminded me of how once I was on a football field for gym class and an airplane flew above us, and I looked up at the sky to see it and felt a resurgence of the way I felt at one point when I was younger
asphyxiateit: I couldn't identify exactly when that was; the most I could do was picture times I felt like that, but I distinctly remembered the feeling
asphyxiateit: it happened again later when my friend, Kayla, and I were swinging
asphyxiateit: there's snow everywhere, and Brian has this light in his yard that looks like moonlight
asphyxiateit: it hit a tree a certain way, and it reminded me of how when I was young I would swing up and see the moon
asphyxiateit: and I felt like I could swing higher and higher, until I eventually touched the tree in the sky
asphyxiateit: which was very neat
asphyxiateit: it made me feel something beyond me, and I like to be reminded of that
SepukuElf: That all sounds like living, and good living. What could possibly spoil it?
asphyxiateit: nothing spoile that
asphyxiateit: spoiled, rather
asphyxiateit: it is simply that a different event occured later
asphyxiateit: oh, and when we went back inside later, Brian's mother had a bunch of mugs lined up with hot chocolate mix and brownies she had just made
asphyxiateit: and it was really, really nice
asphyxiateit: but later that night I was talking to Mike about things, and he was reading one of the newer conversations I posted, when I was freaking out about him breaking up with me. We talked about Brandon and how he told me I give his life context, and it got to the topic of how people shouldn't rely on others to feel whole, as though they needed them
asphyxiateit: and I asked Mike what he meant when he once told me that he needed me, because we had just established that no one should need another person
asphyxiateit: He said something. It became clear that the idea that no one should need another person does not run congruent with that statement. Through a series of steps, the statement was thus retracted.
asphyxiateit: He told me that at that time he did not feel that I was with him as a temporary, for-now thing, and that I valued Brandon's place in my life above that, and so he said such a thing. I said that if you use that logic, then by that statement now being null, he felt that way now. He agreed that that line of logic lends to that conclusion, and was perplexed on how to explain himself.
asphyxiateit: He went on to remind me that he is not eloquent, and I went on to tell him that if I lend him my articulations on how he may feel, he would easily adopt whatever theory I give him because he cannot better explain himself, and that theory would likely not be a completely accurate depiction of what he meant.
asphyxiateit: I then went on to tell him that the feeling of need is not a complex, drawn-out feeling; it does not require eloquence because it is something felt innately, and simply
asphyxiateit: he told me that he the best he could explain was that he did not literally need me, but that he felt that he needed me. I found that acceptable, because I understand and agree with that idea.
asphyxiateit: and I do not feel the desire for every person to feel for me to honestly need me
SepukuElf: Sometimes I am amazingly proud of who you have become, and I realise that I have had a hand in it, however slight, and it fills me with great joy to see how amazing you are. Other times I realise that I may have inadvertantly helped to create a monster that's far too strong for its surroundings, that will end up breaking anything it's given to play with
asphyxiateit: how do you think I may break something?
SepukuElf: Well, you had a conversation in which you laid down the criteria for what an ideal relationship is all about. I'm assuming that you did this on no uncertain terms.
SepukuElf: He goes with it, because he adores you. He agrees entirely.
SepukuElf: You then say, "So what did you mean when you said this thing, which is the antithesis of what I just said?"
SepukuElf: And he says, "Shit! I'm made!" and desperately attempts to backpeddal
SepukuElf: Because, to me, it would seem that he adores you, and doesn't want to comprimise that
asphyxiateit: The fact that he made a mistake in his poor selection of words at some point in time is not what upset me.
asphyxiateit: He apologized for that. He explained it thoroughly; he retracted his previous retraction, saying that he felt that he needed me even when he literally didn't, and that feeling it was enough to say that he did.
asphyxiateit: He repeatedly told me he was sorry for the words he chose, and that he meant to reassure me but did the exact opposite.
asphyxiateit: I told him I knew these things, and when he told me he did not mean to upset me I told him that I knew this. He then asked me to explain why I was still hurt.
asphyxiateit: Throughout all of this he is doing the vast majority of the talking, and that is because I am otherwise silent until I feel I must respond to a statement, or until I am prompted for a response
asphyxiateit: this is because there was a point in the beginning of the conversation where he explained how, although a person can make him very happy, at the end of the day it comes down to himself, and his friends and family, and the fact that he can make himself happy
asphyxiateit: it was at that point where I remembered he once told me that he needed me, and the striking contradiction demanded explanation
SepukuElf: The striking contradiction demanded explanation because you bend things as far as you can, and they break. You're looking for the utmost of honesty, and there are very few that can live up to such a demand
asphyxiateit: I can handle honesty; I ask for it because I want people in their natural intensity.
SepukuElf: People naturally verge toward dishonesty
asphyxiateit: I know that
asphyxiateit: it was not the honesty or the reality of the contradiction that hurt
asphyxiateit: it was the way this contradiction became blatant, which led to my methodical revealing of the contradiction through his own explanation
SepukuElf: Okay, I have to eat something, and typing is no good when it's an ice cream
asphyxiateit: It's okay, I can just finish the story
SepukuElf: How about you put me back on Skype
asphyxiateit: eurrgh I don't know if I have a microphone here
asphyxiateit: alas, I do not
SepukuElf: Okay, well keep typing, I'll read and eat
asphyxiateit: w0rd
asphyxiateit: when he finally got to the point where he articulated that he felt he needed me, but did not literally need me, he said that if that explanation was not acceptable, then he didn't know what to say. I told him that the explanation was acceptable.
asphyxiateit: He then prompted me on the reason why I hurt
SepukuElf: Because he's not perfect?
asphyxiateit: no one is perfect
SepukuElf: True, but they can seem so for a time
SepukuElf: An awfully long time in some cases, like mine for example
SepukuElf: But it's only seemingly
asphyxiateit: I know no one is perfect, and imperfection could be considered a vastly generalized cause for the reason I explained to him, which I explained in a narrative way
SepukuElf: He contradicted himself in front of you, you called him on it. In that moment you saw that he has the capacity to lie to try to make you happy, or at least not angry, and that you're smarter and more attentive than he is
asphyxiateit: no, that's not why it bothered me
SepukuElf: That's probably not going to be a moment in which you say, "Life is good!" instead you say, "My anus is bleeding"
asphyxiateit: I don't care that he made a mistake, because no one is perfect, and I can deal with mistakes
asphyxiateit: What bothered me was the way I showed him that he made a mistake, which was through his own articulations and statements. It was the way he stated things, and what he said, that struck me. His responses to my very specific questions were very clinical and very devoid of care. The explanations that followed attempted to reverse the effects of such a presentation.
asphyxiateit: I showed him this by outlining our conversation
asphyxiateit: and I told him that he needed to remember that I am with him, and only him, and that in this way I am affected in ways by only him.
asphyxiateit: In this way, I am very fragile. I told him he is used to seeing me as I normally am to him, and that because of this he forgets the way I am affected.
asphyxiateit: and that, usually, what makes people remember is when the other person has been affected
asphyxiateit: I told him that I did not want him to forget this fragility.
SepukuElf: And then?
asphyxiateit: He told me that, in a way, my being hurt was a reassurance, that it was good that I cared about him at such a level that I would be affected by something so small as his poor word choice.
asphyxiateit: which hurt me in a different way; I could not articulate it at the time because I was drained and I was starting to numb over because that is my natural reaction to hurt until I am alone, but the new hurt was at the idea that my other, conscious, and day-to-day actions were not enough to so clearly reveal this vulnerability resulting from caring enough for it to exist
SepukuElf: Wait. You really think that you appear to be vulnerable?
asphyxiateit: Vulnerability does not have to be apparent to be understood
SepukuElf: Well the doesn't understand you all that well, but it's a learning process. Clearly he doesn't instinctively get you
asphyxiateit: it's not something within me; it's something anyone should know. There is a reason why, in stories, love is used as a tool against someone - it is because, if someone loves and cares for something, they are vulnerable to it.
SepukuElf: To an extent
SepukuElf: But such an understanding isn't going to be apparent to everyone
asphyxiateit: Anyone who has been in love should realize this.
SepukuElf: You expect too much of people if you believe that the experience equates to wisdom in all cases
asphyxiateit: I understand that counterpoint, but I find it difficult to believe someone who has been in love has not experienced and been, at one point, conscious of such vulnerability
SepukuElf: Like I said, you expect too much. Your brain is far more empathic than many others
SepukuElf: But infinite wisdom is infinite perspective. Your perspective is limited to your own, despite your empathy
SepukuElf: Yet, that's only in regards to this situation, which is probably because you're in it
SepukuElf: Outside of that, I don't think you would have a trouble with the perspective shift
asphyxiateit: his perspective being that he wasn't aware of the vulnerability one takes on when loving another?
SepukuElf: Yes, and all that surrounds such an observation
SepukuElf: Or, alternatively, that he didn't realise that you cared that deeply, which isn't that hard to keen due to the entire ex situation you've been through
SepukuElf: He may have thought himself a bandaid that would be removed soon enough, and that agreeing with you in all things and trying to be what you want was the best way for you to have him stick around
SepukuElf: It's a possibility
asphyxiateit: He told me he did not mean to shake my confidence in how he valued the relationship or cared for me, or mean to accuse me of such things, and I should hope not after explaning myself thoroughly in regards to my ex-boyfriend prior to this particular conversation
SepukuElf: Possibly, also, he's attempted to distance himself believing that you were going to break up anyway
asphyxiateit: These theories are rational, but the response is my persistant reassurances that I do not plan the future, let alone that I forsee breaking up with him later, and also his own statements of focusing on the present and the happiness it brings us rather than deliberating the future
SepukuElf: That's all talk. Words don't mean much, they're just noise that comes out of our mouths
asphyxiateit: I have no other way to substantiate those ideas, nor does he
asphyxiateit: What was additionally jarring was the almost physical sensation of realizing his forgetting that I am fragile for him, which felt like something dissolving away my insides, and its residual effect. The numbing over also bore a striking resemblance to the way I would sometimes, more often than I would ever desire, feel with Brandon.
SepukuElf: Exactly, so we can assume that they hold the possibility of being untruths, or at the very least aspired states of being rather than actualities
asphyxiateit: he's been honest with me about his approach to our relationship and the way he's felt at all of its stages; I trust him to continue being upfront about these things. Otherwise I have to conjecture based on doubt and possibility of error.
asphyxiateit: Which is existent, certainly, but lends to a much wider span of deliberation.
SepukuElf: Honey, you're very cute, and small, and have a childlike voice, and you're very active. I would assume bouncy. As such, you are going to attract people that will try to control you
SepukuElf: That feeling may occur more often than you would like
asphyxiateit: I don't feel he was trying to control me
asphyxiateit: that's not why they were similar
asphyxiateit: it was the feeling of being fragile, and once more being handled carelessly one too many times, that made me terribly sad
SepukuElf: Hmm... so you actively want protection?
asphyxiateit: it's not protection; it's the absence of carelessness
asphyxiateit: I don't have to actively protect a vase to not knock it
SepukuElf: Well there are two motivations for not knocking something over. One is for fear of breaking it, the other is to protect
SepukuElf: Anything else is just by chance that it doesn't get knocked over
SepukuElf: Which will work most of the time
SepukuElf: But if you need to make sure it doesn't tip, then there must be a motivation
SepukuElf: I don't think you engender fear
asphyxiateit: Perhaps my metaphor wasn't accurate enough; one doesn't have to actively protect a vase to not casually toss it into a box and drag it around over rocks
SepukuElf: You do engender protection
SepukuElf: That's not what happened here, though. Here he tipped the vase
asphyxiateit: tipping the vase is the accidental insensitive statement
asphyxiateit: repeated actions, including ones compounded from previous incidents, is more than tipping
SepukuElf: No, it's a tip of the vase, and a fumble as he tries to catch it on the way down
SepukuElf: He backtracked to try to get his statement to fit into the new ideal that was being held before him. Otherwise he would have had to say, "Need may be wrong, but I do need you." which is very sweet, and you probably would have liked it on some level, but it wasn't what you were asking.
SepukuElf: So he had to show the opposite. However, feeling that there was need he overplayed it
SepukuElf: That's what I think happened
asphyxiateit: the opposite was shown first, by me
asphyxiateit: I then realized it was the opposite of what he once told me. I asked him what he meant to understand the contradiction better.
SepukuElf: Which falls into my pattern, does it not?
asphyxiateit: No, because he did not cite the opposing position of what I was bringing to light.
SepukuElf: You're complicating things and getting fixed on words rather than intent
SepukuElf: Words are just bah bah jibber speak that come out, intent is what's important. He was attempting to explain something, and got confusing. Why would this be? If he did feel what he was stating to be the truth, there would be no confusion
SepukuElf: Particularly if the truth is cold and analytical
SepukuElf: If it simply is putting on the airs of being cold and analytical, though, and what is being said makes little sense, then it must APPEAR to be so
asphyxiateit: the intent was not the issue
asphyxiateit: I told him I knew his intentions were not ignoble
SepukuElf: Intent is always the issue
asphyxiateit: The issue was the carelessness and its result.
SepukuElf: Okay, I agree, he was most certainly careless
SepukuElf: Not without reason, but he was certainly careless, and dishonest
SepukuElf: The intent was not to be
SepukuElf: I don't believe, however, that he is quite as brilliant as you
asphyxiateit: the intent wasn't not to be careless; there was no regard to vulnerability to have an intent
asphyxiateit: the one thing I told him was to simply never forget about that fragility
SepukuElf: Before or after?
asphyxiateit: After, when I realized he had
SepukuElf: Does he get clemency then?
asphyxiateit: I forgive, but I do not forget
SepukuElf: Actually, why am I helping out here?
asphyxiateit: I am like that with all things.
SepukuElf: Fuck him off, he's no good. Move to Australia for the winter
SepukuElf: We can walk though tall wooded areas, and throw boomerangs in the rain, and ride horses over the Snowy Mountains
SepukuElf: Clearly, this is a better option for you
asphyxiateit: You should just come here. We have cafes that serve French toast and wonderful coffee, and all four seasons.
SepukuElf: Fuck that. I was over your way during the summer last time. During your summer is our winter. Less heat, you have to come
asphyxiateit: Yes, but we have autumn and spring, which are delightfully tepid.
SepukuElf: Your excuses are willfully negligent of my vulnerability
asphyxiateit: Your inability to see the caring intent of my coaxing you to come to America disheartens me