(no subject)
I feel like the only time I ever post in my live journal is when I want to talk about a boy situation that I've gotten myself into and I have no idea how to handle. LOL I honestly never come on here ....But I really need to get some things off my chest, and if I posted this in my myspace blog, Jared- if NOT Jared then Nate, or Luke, or Phil, or Kevin, or SOMEONE would read it, and he would totally find out - and thats not really the road I want to travel down right now. Sometimes you just need your sisters. Right now is one of those times....
I find it funny, that I have allowed myself to get so invested in a boy. Emotionally, Physically, everyway possible. I know alot of you have no idea whats been going on with me recently. You've heard bits and pieces of stories here and there, but we've really lost touch over the last year, two years, three years... and thats sad for me - but it also helps me to get an unbiased opinion on everything thats been going on. Lay it all on the line, and just see what the world thinks. SO, if you have a minute, please read this, because any insight that you have to give would be GREATLY appreciated. And besides, you guys better get to know this kid - hes going to be around for a while...a long while. :o)
The brief rundown (some of you know ) - Back in February, my roommate Jen and I went to a benefit concert in New York City. We met this guy, Phil. Hes such a cool guy. Jen, over time, developed a crush on Phil. So ... fast-forward to April. Phil's band was playing a show in Connecticut about an hour 1/2 away from us. We decided, HEY! Why not?? So we drove to this show to check out Phils band. While there, I started talking to this guy... I was kinda familiar with who he was, but not really. He was the singer of Phils band. He was a nice enough guy. Good looking. Kept good eye contact. Actually seemed to give a shit... Awesome? So - just a little known fact- I totally never listend to Phils band before we went to Connecticut. In fact, I didnt care at all about Phils band. I just went because Jen wanted to see Phil. So when This blonde boy asked me what songs we wanted them to play- I literally blurted out the ONLY title that I knew, Stereo. (Which, I had only just learned the name of in the Car on the ride to CT - I used to call it Radio - which is obviously, a sad attempt). ANYWAY. So basically, I had no idea what song "stereo" was. I couldnt tell you what songs they played that night other then Exceptional (Because Jen wanted to hear that) and Stereo. But right after the show was done, I CAN tell you that things got VERY complicated. Literally, they finished Stereo, which they played last. They unplugged their gear, and this very sweet blonde boy literally jogged over to me and said "sorry I fucked up your song". .... You fucked it up? Who knew? Not me! But I couldnt say that to him, could I? Gosh this boy is cute...wait a minute, hes talking to me?? Now I'm flustered. Atleast I think I'm flustered. I Cant be flustered, I dont even know this kid?? What do I do?? I just smiled and shrugged "Thats okay, I dont think anyone noticed!"...was that okay? Did that insult him? Crap. Hes really cute... I was flustered for sure. and then it happened. He was playing with his bottle of water, picking at the lable I think, and he looked up, and shook the hair out of his eyes and smiled. "But YOU noticed"... It was literally that moment when I just wanted to fall to the floor. This guy, who is SUPER fucking cute, who thinks I know all of his songs, is standing 2 feet in front of me, and I completely just developed a crush on him. I think I just laughed..or giggled. Or maybe I said something, I dont know. I remember my face getting very hot, very fast. The rest of my night consisted sitting at a hi-top table with Jared, talking about blowpops, penises, the JCC, Drawing pictures, and listening to really bad bands. (We both wanted to be the man in the white hat though- he was having enough fun for the entire room).
After that show, I seriously felt like I was hit by a bus. What the hell just happened? Was I really just floored by a Blonde? A lead singer? a blonde lead singer?!?! What the hell? Jen was the one at the show to see a boy. Not me?? This was not a find-michelle-a-new-love-interest Excursion?! What is going on??
Some time passed (two weeks perhaps?), and as luck would have it, Their band was slated to play a gig in Boston. Cambridge actually. Even better! Jen and I were both equally as flustered. The first show was SO easy. Jeans, tanktop, chucks & Drummer hoodie (Irony of the hoodie coming soon!) Now this show, I officially had a girly moment. I legit said the words "WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?" That in itself is a crisis. Seriously? What am I doing? I dont even know this kid!! But anyway, Jen and I went shopping. Yes, I bought a new outfit, to impress a boy, I didnt even know. WHAT?!!? Who the hell is this girl, and where did Michelle go? We had actually made plans previously to get our hair cut that week, so we just changed the day - and got our hair cut the afternoon of the show. It was working out perfectly. Everything was great. We showed up in Cambridge, sat at the bar for about an hour and enjoyed our happy hour, which consisted of (for me) downing cider to try to calm my nerves. Jen knew the guys from the band because she had been talking with them via myspace and emails and what not for quite some time. They loved her in CT, and I expected nothing less from them at the Middle East. About an hour later, we moved into the middle east. We legit walked in and the madness started. To get into the venue, you have to walk through the "restaraunt" part. As we got to the back of the room, I legit got bumrushed by Jared. (!?!?!?!?!) HI NICE TO SEE YOU TOO??? I was overwhelmed. Completely overwhelmed. First of all, you remember me?? I met you once, like...weeks ago. Second, HUGE hugs? A kiss on the cheek? You called me Pretty? I'm sorry..did I hear you correctly? Me? You're talking to me. You're hugging me? You kissed me? Are you sure? WHAT IS GOING ON??? Jesus Christ. I did the only thing I knew to do. Shift uncomfortably, and analize later. Jen and I, continued to drink heavily, and watch their set. Which was completely way more fun this time around - Who knew, I actually enjoyed their songs! (not to mention, learned the damn words to Stereo). After that set, we spent our night bullshitting and boozing - together. It was then, that I not only recieved another hug, another kiss, but ANOTHER COMPLIMENT?? Two? in one night? No ones ever called me pretty before, or cute, or beautiful?? what the FUCK is going on with this boy? Jen was, at this point, wasted beyond words, so when they pcked up shop to head back to NY ( :o( ) We headed back home. They were relatively concerned for our wellbeing, so when we got home I snatched Jared's number out of Jens phone and texted him telling him we lived. (good plan right? I'm awesome!!) So this was probably a little after midnight. If memory serves me correctly, around 3am, I am not only happily in my bed, fast asleep, BEEP BEEP BEEP. Huh?! New Message - Jared Scharff .... I almost fell out of my bed? "hey - whats up?" Umm...I'm sleeping? its 3am?? ...but Hey, Better late then never right?? So for the next 30 minutes we proceded to have a text-a-thon.... so OKAY can we just recap the last 8 hours. Two HUGE hugs, two kisses, 2 compliments (3 adjectives), and numerous texts....holy crap, this is like...a major production. I go for boys that treat me like shit - what the hell is going on?!
So now that you know the beginning, let me fast forward and give you the recent. Basically for the next few weeks, we would travel to New York to see their band, or we would go here, or there. Jared spends his summers in LA working, writing, working, working, working, whatever else he does. So when I found out he was headed to LA, I was like...okay cool, that was fun while it lasted? I tried really hard to stop liking this kid. I tried to embarass myself infront of him, in hopes that he would either make fun of me, or say something to hurt my feelings, or he would be a dick, or something...Nothing. I figured, alright- Before this gets any worse then it already is - I need to let this kid know how I operate. After everything that I went through between shady friends, and bad choices with guys, I wasnt going to let this drag on any longer without stating how I felt. So I just sat down, and told him EXACTLY how I was feeling. I told him about my past, I told him about my present. I told him just about everything I could tell him....and I expected nothing back from him. Literally nothing. I got a page long reply, countering everything I told him. what the HELL? this kid is excited that I like him, thinks I'm great, promises he wont come back from LA a jerk, and we'll hang out when he gets back. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!!!!?!? what is going on?!!!!!! Who is this guy? and why is he so amazing? I spent the first part of my summer analyzing everything that happened, and I realized I dont need to analyze whats going on...This guy just...gets me? I tried to fight it off, but it just kinda clicked just how great this guy really is.
But recently there has been this issue with vagueness. I think i made that word up... But I mean, you message me, and we talk all the time... but yet, everytime I try to set up a time to be with you, you're busy, or your working, or you cant. Okay- bad timing on my part. but Fucking counter me, Jared?? I cant do xxxxxx on Sunday, but I CAN do xxxxxxx on xxxxxxxx. Or, I'm working on Saturday, but I get done at XX:XX maybe we can ___________ after??... You go out of your way to be fucking amazing, and then you leave me hanging? What the HELL!? Let me get this straight.....
It is perfectly okay int he land of guys, to be sitting at a bar...with your hand on my thigh, speaking in my ear. Your nose pressed up against my face. For hours on end....and its Its perfectly okay to kick my foot under the counter, to make jokes with me, to write a song about very inappropriate things, then serenade me with it, to have me in your apartment, to drive around manhattan, to go out for dinner, to walk around the city.........................................................But nothing else?
I DO NOT GET YOU. BUT I STILL LOVE YOU ANYWAY.
I think im done. God Bless you if you actually sat and read that. Bless you even more if you give me some insight on what the HELL to do with this man.