My eating disorder is coming back. This blows. And really, none of it matters at all.

[ilovesasuke_kun]

I don't want to be something just to be something. I find it idiotic that I need to be something in order to mean something. To someone else, the world, to myself. I live. I have a soul. Just like every other thing on this planet. Yet I feel the urge to be something more. I do want to do something cool or meaningful, but I fear the only reason I'd be doing that is to be more desirable. Which is not at all a new concept to reality and the world (it's existed since there've been people who don't want to be alone). It's just not something I thought I'd ever have to deal with. I thought I could just continue on the way I have, being myself and living in the moment. How more honest a life can you live? At least, that's what I thought. But apparently, if you want happiness, there has to be some amount of lying involved. Some amount of fooling around and puffing yourself up. You can't garner affection and togetherness without throwing yourself into the thick of things for someone else. I thought that just being yourself and being true was enough, because that's what others would be getting and lying all the time is tiresome. But apparently, you have to be more if you want to be loved. I know there's a difference between lying to get someone and living for someone else, but I don't really like either. I want to be there for someone and help someone be strong and not let someone down, but I don't want to have to better myself for someone else. It cannot be said that I don't care about others. I know that I do. I care so much that my heart twists and stings like there's a knife in it. I have driven miles to help someone who has "earned" it. I have had the shit kicked out of me defending someone who was being tortured by the empty populace around us. Once you show me that you're capable of looking past yourself and know what it's like to live through pain, I feel that one is truly human. The thought of a friend in pain strikes me down so much I can do nothing but harm myself in order to try and feel something akin to what they're feeling. I feel so much that it hurts and I can't stop crying and there is honestly nothing I can do but bleed in order to feel something else. Then again, I never really needed much to hurt myself any way. The scars on my arms and waist will attest to that. I want to change and live for me because I am why I am still here. I'm starting to be extremely nihilistic and I'm seriously wondering that started. I am also irritated that my extreme sense of reason and logic can't smooth out my chaotic emotions about things that ultimately were never going to work out anyway, ie. the only time I was ever in love. Wah wah wah.
I really need to learn the difference between lying and changing yourself to be a different person for someone else (because it can be good. I want to believe it. No, I do.). Rather, I need to learn why one HAS to do the latter. Does any of this make sense? Maybe I just naturally resist change. Not good. Doesn't matter. I'm going to be dead soon. I haven't eaten for the past two days. I guess it's three now. I wonder why my sense of appetite lessed even further? It just seemed to have "up and left", if you will. No, I'm not bitter.

Btw, reading "A Long Way Down" by Nick Hornby. God, I love him. He writes things that I can only dream to be able to articulate.

Btwa, George Carlin was totally right about suicide.