Well, I tried. The break's over.
I thought that progress had been made since I longer had to write to distract myself from the rope and because my mood swings had lessened considerably, to the point where I was starting to think that the nothing I was feeling was mental balance.
Turns out it was just me losing the last channel I had to feel anything or rather, let myself feel. No, it was me losing the need to channel at all and take deep breaths. Spmeone once told me that feeling is my gift, my talent and I understand that better now. I think those couple of months were the most normal of my life and now that I know what everyone else feels, I realize how fucking boring it is and passionless. It was weird because I wasn't being torn apart and I could fall asleep and I didn't feel alone every second of every day. The thoughts had stopped and I didn't hallucinate as much or see things that weren't there. I hadn't had any bad thing to feel or memory-that-I-don't-remember to hide from.
It felt like something had been missing, but I was ok with it being gone. Was that a vacation? Was it the normalcy that I'd wanted for so long?
I suppose it wouldn't help to figure it out, since it is back and staring at me. I can feel it and the disgust that is it's permanent companion. I wonder where it went.
Turns out it was just me losing the last channel I had to feel anything or rather, let myself feel. No, it was me losing the need to channel at all and take deep breaths. Spmeone once told me that feeling is my gift, my talent and I understand that better now. I think those couple of months were the most normal of my life and now that I know what everyone else feels, I realize how fucking boring it is and passionless. It was weird because I wasn't being torn apart and I could fall asleep and I didn't feel alone every second of every day. The thoughts had stopped and I didn't hallucinate as much or see things that weren't there. I hadn't had any bad thing to feel or memory-that-I-don't-remember to hide from.
It felt like something had been missing, but I was ok with it being gone. Was that a vacation? Was it the normalcy that I'd wanted for so long?
I suppose it wouldn't help to figure it out, since it is back and staring at me. I can feel it and the disgust that is it's permanent companion. I wonder where it went.