So, I was with my mom today...
She told me that I've changed a lot recently. I've had my hair cut really short (I've always been known by my hair, if anything), got my nails done and wear a bit more make-up, if rarely. But all of that is superficial, designed to make me feel slightly better. And it works, I feel different, less hideous, but ultimately, I know, pointless. I set up an appointment, finally!, to get braces. Well, at least the inital consulation has been set up. Getting braces has been the thing I've wanted to do for the longest time, aside from wanting to visit Japan. One of those false promises that I wanted to believe my mother would fufill. Whatever. I am taking care of it on my own. I feel I must say, despite it sounding terribly whiney and an example of the way things just are these days it seems, that the one thing my mom did do for me was teach me to be self-reliant. I never counted on anyone to help me and therefore, had no guidance or was able to properly ask for help when it was needed. I still am not able to say what I want or ask someone for something because I deem it "selfish". It seems like nothing other than selfishness to ask someone to talk to you or listen to what you want to say or feel. Objectively, it really shouldn't because what is selfish about wanting to share yourself or reaching out? But that's what it feels like when I try to ask for something from the people important to me. I didn't want to face hard situations or moments, especially if they would mean that I'd have to be honest about how I felt. Way too much to ask from me. It's too hard and my face feels too hot and my stomach feels sick when I think about expressing my heart. But you know what? It feels worse to not have done anything or to have "dodged a bullet". If I could go back and change my answer to "Yes, please. Let's talk." I would. You know what girl? Things are hard and you can't be comfortable all the time and yes, you are going to be thrown out of your element. Sometimes, I wish someone would just shake me or throw me off that cliff. (Btw, I had a great director whose was fantastic at that. I thank her for a lot of my personal growth.) My mom made me realize how much I have changed, mentally and emotionally, and how much more I want to change. A year ago, I never would have let anyone touch me without me taking a minute to gather myself, but now I can. I am way more open to new things (dating, food, travelling) and I am excited to keep on experiencing new things. Even though my attempt at romance with a potential here died pretty quickly out, I can't be angry about it. Because, I never would have said yes to him if I was still the same scared, reclusive girl from last year. All of the moments I've had with my friends and with love and life have made me grow so much that I feel like I am actually starting to become an adult. Today, I realized that I made a huge mistake just walking away and now am just scrambling for a way to say what's inside, in any way I can. I am worried that saying what I really need to say is unwelcome, but I am tired of not talking about it. Please. Let's talk about it. That's the only way I can let go. Trust me. I'm at the end of the line here. My brain can't let you go until it knows that you just needed a moment and that's all.