Your heart is in your throat...and I'm speaking my mind.
Sometimes in life you let the wrong people into your heart, and they hurt you. Then you endure the feeling of never being more alone. You wonder how you can be so broken. Well let's see, it's because true love doesn't exist. I thought it did. Then when I did the whole broken deal, I realized I loved him, and he just forgot to love me back. But during the relationship, I loved him more than anyone else will ever be able to. I loved him for his faults. It made him who he was. I'd like to believe that I was one of the best things that happened in his life. As of now that is of course. After he moves on with his life, gets a new life,new wife, and creates his family, that will be the best for him. But for now, I think I'd like to think I was a good thing, not a bad one. Why all the sudden talk of him? I know...interesting. Haven't had to think about this for a while. But as the say, old habits die hard.
I'm nervous about this summer. For about the first month I'll be living at Christeen's house. I know that it may seem like everythings fine, but it's not. Everytime I walk thru that door, all of the memories fall back into my lap. That is something that will never go away. Going there last summer was a different feeling than now. I would have NEVER thought that I'd be in the situation I'm in now. I would have never thought we'd break up. I honestly thought it would last at least 2 years. But it is the unimaginable that always seems to catch up to me. It's just the way my life works. I have worked with every card I have been dealt with. I'm not one that enjoys problems. They just seem to enjoy me. Although, I think I've escaped the teenage drama that Bergenfield is still wrapped up in. They won't get it until next year when the life they live isn't even recognizable to them. No more hanging out. Adults, responsibilites to get the rest of their life together. I still can't believe it's already here. We pretty much have to stop being kids. That scares me a little bit. Yes I'd like to be an adult, make my own choices, and have more maturity, but I also wanna be able to walk to Burger King and have everyone there..playing Sac Wac with someone having drama with someone. Good times. They keep us young.
Back to my point about all this. I was wondering before about how I've changed. If I have made positive or negative choices. It was hard to analyze myself. Yet I can judge other people so quickly with knowing barely anything about them. Then I realized, okay well yea duh Caroline that's not a very nice quality to have. Also my complaining. Yup, I am one that can't help complaining. I think that's what makes the guys crazy. To be completely honest, I think I will be happy when I die though. Even if it's tomorrow. It may have been short, and not very important to society in any way shape or form, but it's been okay. The hard moments make me realize things like this. Each and every fight I get into, always gets settled in the end. Even if I didn't win the argument, I'm happy to no longer be fighting. I can be a very complicated person. Sometimes I think one way and feel another. Some people say follow your heart, others say follow your head. So that leaves me in the middle. Which I believe is follow my chin. And that isn't going to get me anywhere but looking down.
Have no regrets on the things you do. Learn to love the mistakes you've made. For they bring you to a better future. Life is hard. It's not easy for anyone. Everyone has their own problems, and sometimes it's hard to deal with, but you get through it. I may not be happy where the location of where I am today...but as of who I am...I'm learning to gain more respect for myself. I know what I want out of life. I know exactly where I want my life to be. It just takes time..and effort to get there. But I'll get there. I may not have the friends I have now in 10 years, cause I know 10 years ago I didn't have any friends at all...so I've come along way since then. But anyways, I may not have their support anymore, but I do still have my family. Since I've been sick for the past 2-3 weeks, I realized how much my mom really does care about me. She just wants me to be okay. I think now that I know these things, I will be okay.
I have a really great boyfriend. He's simply not like the rest. And that's one of the many things about him I love. Before we started "going out" we were very close. We made sure bascially we could make a relationship work before we put ourselves through more heartache. As we see, I guess we can make things work. Though it's only been a month and a half...to me it feels more like it's been three and a half. I feel a closeness with him. I also know if I lose him, it's going to do some damage to this heart. And trust me, I've had enough of that. I know that this summer will be amazing because of him. We'll be able to just be together without the worry of me leaving so soon. I think we need that badly too. From here things can either get really great, or go really sour. I hope they get great though. Because if he breaks my heart, I'm offically becoming a lesbian. Because it will also be offical that men suck. Although I think they already do, but like I said...he's simply not like the rest. With him, I don't have to worry about him cheating on me with some skank with frizzy hair.
So the end is near. I don't think there was a theme or point to this entry. Infact, I don't even know if it all ties together or makes sense. But I do know one thing, I'm very sincere with what I say. I don't write all this to bitch and complain or throw unwanted advice at people. But this is who I am. I'm very opinionated. I like to express myself, and tell people how I feel. Even if it's complete strangers that read this, I'm sure everyone can relate to me on some level. It's what ties us all together and makes everyone turn out to be not so different. Everyone's dealt with pain. And everyones dealt with life. It's all just a matter of how you look at things. But it's okay to be selfish, because the only person you spend your whole life with is yourself. So you worry about you, and I'll worry about me. Alright...done. Hope you didn't fall asleep too many times. ;)
"Just know that I'm with you.
And what you feel,
I feel it too."
*Lend me. <3
I'm nervous about this summer. For about the first month I'll be living at Christeen's house. I know that it may seem like everythings fine, but it's not. Everytime I walk thru that door, all of the memories fall back into my lap. That is something that will never go away. Going there last summer was a different feeling than now. I would have NEVER thought that I'd be in the situation I'm in now. I would have never thought we'd break up. I honestly thought it would last at least 2 years. But it is the unimaginable that always seems to catch up to me. It's just the way my life works. I have worked with every card I have been dealt with. I'm not one that enjoys problems. They just seem to enjoy me. Although, I think I've escaped the teenage drama that Bergenfield is still wrapped up in. They won't get it until next year when the life they live isn't even recognizable to them. No more hanging out. Adults, responsibilites to get the rest of their life together. I still can't believe it's already here. We pretty much have to stop being kids. That scares me a little bit. Yes I'd like to be an adult, make my own choices, and have more maturity, but I also wanna be able to walk to Burger King and have everyone there..playing Sac Wac with someone having drama with someone. Good times. They keep us young.
Back to my point about all this. I was wondering before about how I've changed. If I have made positive or negative choices. It was hard to analyze myself. Yet I can judge other people so quickly with knowing barely anything about them. Then I realized, okay well yea duh Caroline that's not a very nice quality to have. Also my complaining. Yup, I am one that can't help complaining. I think that's what makes the guys crazy. To be completely honest, I think I will be happy when I die though. Even if it's tomorrow. It may have been short, and not very important to society in any way shape or form, but it's been okay. The hard moments make me realize things like this. Each and every fight I get into, always gets settled in the end. Even if I didn't win the argument, I'm happy to no longer be fighting. I can be a very complicated person. Sometimes I think one way and feel another. Some people say follow your heart, others say follow your head. So that leaves me in the middle. Which I believe is follow my chin. And that isn't going to get me anywhere but looking down.
Have no regrets on the things you do. Learn to love the mistakes you've made. For they bring you to a better future. Life is hard. It's not easy for anyone. Everyone has their own problems, and sometimes it's hard to deal with, but you get through it. I may not be happy where the location of where I am today...but as of who I am...I'm learning to gain more respect for myself. I know what I want out of life. I know exactly where I want my life to be. It just takes time..and effort to get there. But I'll get there. I may not have the friends I have now in 10 years, cause I know 10 years ago I didn't have any friends at all...so I've come along way since then. But anyways, I may not have their support anymore, but I do still have my family. Since I've been sick for the past 2-3 weeks, I realized how much my mom really does care about me. She just wants me to be okay. I think now that I know these things, I will be okay.
I have a really great boyfriend. He's simply not like the rest. And that's one of the many things about him I love. Before we started "going out" we were very close. We made sure bascially we could make a relationship work before we put ourselves through more heartache. As we see, I guess we can make things work. Though it's only been a month and a half...to me it feels more like it's been three and a half. I feel a closeness with him. I also know if I lose him, it's going to do some damage to this heart. And trust me, I've had enough of that. I know that this summer will be amazing because of him. We'll be able to just be together without the worry of me leaving so soon. I think we need that badly too. From here things can either get really great, or go really sour. I hope they get great though. Because if he breaks my heart, I'm offically becoming a lesbian. Because it will also be offical that men suck. Although I think they already do, but like I said...he's simply not like the rest. With him, I don't have to worry about him cheating on me with some skank with frizzy hair.
So the end is near. I don't think there was a theme or point to this entry. Infact, I don't even know if it all ties together or makes sense. But I do know one thing, I'm very sincere with what I say. I don't write all this to bitch and complain or throw unwanted advice at people. But this is who I am. I'm very opinionated. I like to express myself, and tell people how I feel. Even if it's complete strangers that read this, I'm sure everyone can relate to me on some level. It's what ties us all together and makes everyone turn out to be not so different. Everyone's dealt with pain. And everyones dealt with life. It's all just a matter of how you look at things. But it's okay to be selfish, because the only person you spend your whole life with is yourself. So you worry about you, and I'll worry about me. Alright...done. Hope you didn't fall asleep too many times. ;)
"Just know that I'm with you.
And what you feel,
I feel it too."
*Lend me. <3