Not going to let one incident effect today.
I am really working hard at not letting little things ruin my days. I have a really hard problem with little things controlling my moods. Like something not going my way, then the rest of my day is ruined, and I say fuck it, and then just shit happens and it's all down hill. Like today was going great. I got up, started my meds again, some new ones throwing in there, and took some other ones away; so I am just on six now. Ritalin, Prozac, Xanex, Lamictal, my pain management pills, and Topamax. They seem to be doing well so far, and that's not even with them fully kicking in yet; so I have high hopes. As long as no major side effects kick in. But the major effect I am seeing is, I haven't wanted to just sleep all day. I am a little sleepy just from the xanex, but I am not giving into the urge to crawl back into bed. I've been up all morning, doing something. I took Rei to work, had a long over due talk with Conor about respecting other peoples property, and played with Cameron some. I had to take Car to tire shop (Ugh) and 170$ later have to new tires on the front. Talked to Mom, Mary Lou and Brian's mom for a while and that was good. Talked to Dad, which I always enjoy. I am going to do a little home work, then going to clean living room. Part of Conor paying back his destruction is going to be working his but off to deep clean the living room. Hopefully killing off some of our un wanted guests at least that's the plan Stan. I think when it's cooler, I am going to take kids to park and let them play. That can be my exercise for today. I am going to make it a point to do at least 30 min of some activity each day. Not nesc. working out. But some acitivty. Playing with kids, swimming, walking while Cameron rides his bike, park, or Rei and I are going to start doing my Xbox fitness game. That should be really amusing. She & I are going to help each other stay motivated to work out. My Pain doctor gave me some play room with meds so that I can work out, get a little more active and have some meds when I am in pain from doing so but I need to be more active. My Shrink gave me Topamax, which is used for alcoholics, and over eaters; it helps suppress appetite in over eaters. Even though I still think about food, I don't really want it. He just upped my dose to where it should be which is 100mg. It was at 50 mg. At 50 mg. I was picking at stuff, I would eat a few bites, then not want it, thinking I wanted something else. But nothing was satisfying. Now I really don't want anything. So I got Chocolate Whey Protein Powder, and am making shakes for breakfast so I get nutrients for breakfast. (Powder, half and half, and coffee with ice in blender) really satisfying and I get my blessed caffeine and I am not starving my self. Then for lunch I am having the powder just mixed with water & Ice in the blender with a handful of almonds, then for dinner (Cause I am doing Atkins diet essentially for now) I am trying new recipes out, for the entire family, their ten carbs or less per serving, and gluten free. Since Rei is staying with us and eats with us often. How ever I am still making one side dish that is like rice, or potatoes, or pasta for Steve & the boys since they need those carbs and stuff. I realized that I have all these people trying to help me, and I have the tools to do so. I slipped into such a deep depression, I didn't think I was going to get out of it. With the pain doctor telling me about my fusion being just totally gone and him seeing the change in my back, and that just being over the series of a few weeks, it was just devastation. I knew it was coming back I Just thought I had more time. We always think we have more time, that's just really how life goes, but honestly we never know how much time we have left. I guess it just took this to make me really, really, really realize this. So no matter the pain, no matter...I can do this. Rei said she'd stay as long as I needed help, and we are getting our plan in order to work out and get our selves into better shape. We both got problems physically and we both have to do something, and two heads are better than one. Support can mean so much. I literally for the last two months have wanted to lay in bed and die. Depression can make your body hurt, it can make physical symptoms and all and I was having them all. Getting out that fourth of July weekend to take care of Brian's mom, and take the boys and other kids swimming was the best thing that could have happened. I almost canceled cause I was being selfish and wanted to wallow in self pity. But I didn't... and I am so glad I didn't. It reminded me of what I like doing. I like feeling that I am needed, and that I am needed. That I have been neglecting my duties at home, my kids, my family, my friends, my house, those people closest to me. Because I am so afraid of everything that is to come and what is happening right now. So it's one step at a time, one baby step at a time. I'm not going to get back to where I was over night, and I am going to be tired, I am going to be sore, and I am going to cry, and I am going to feel like I can't do it; but I can. But not unless I at least try. I am going to die, unless I try. I keep saying that when I get bad enough that I will just leave and kill my self so the boys don't have to see me like I had to see my Grandfather, or Grandmother. But that's really selfish of me. That isn't going to effect them any better than if they were to see me in my weakest state. That's not going to be any better than them see me wither away, and not try at all. Their going to say, "Well mom just gave up, she didn't try, she didn't care, she just stopped and died." and I don't want that. I want to them to remember me as I remember my Grandfather, and Grandmother. My Grandfather fought and worked and tried until he just couldn't any more. One of my last memories of him being away was when he was hallucinating on medication. My uncle Eddie was over. Grandpa was having a day dream, he was building a fence, What he had done all his life. He worked so his family could have everything they wanted and needed. He did it all for us, he worked him self to death for us. Because he wanted us to have everything he didn't have growing up, everything he had to go with out. He was working, in his mind, even as he was dying. I never respected any one more than I respected him. I know my boys won't have that type of memory of me, but I hope that in some way they will have a memory of me that, I tried, that I will give them something good to remember me by. That I will teach them some life lesson that will carry them through the hard times, and that they can pull a memory back and use to smile when they need it, or pull some memory when they need to carry on when they feel they cant. OR share some story with their children to teach a lesson, to pass down, because it was significant to them; and it was worth sharing. But I think we as parents always hope that we do that for our children. But I realized, I can't and won't do that, doing what I am doing now. I keep falling back into depression, I have to stay on my medication, for them I have to. I can't keep falling back into the pits of despair, and leaving them to fend for them selves. My kids need me, My Family needs me, Those people who rely on me need me. I've always kept my upbringing of being a loyal person, and I've faltered on that. I need to make amends to so many people in my life for that right now. Because I have fallen off that path and that's not me. I was taught to work hard, do what you have to do, work for what you have, give what you take, and take lessons in a humble manor, and mistakes are just something you learn from. Also, that your an idiot when you make the same mistakes over and over again. Well I have swiftly fallen into the category of being a idiot these last few years. Making the same mistakes over and over again. So baby steps, starting with, simple things. 1) taking my medications as I should on a daily basis. 2) taking care of my responsibilities as I should on a daily basis. 3) Make and complete at least 1 reasonable, obtainable goal for my self each day. I Think it's a reasonable, and good place to start.