Blargh!
Have you ever just wanted to go and at the top of your lungs and voice volume scream "Fuck you, you stupid piece of shit" to absolutely nothing but empty space with nobody around at all? If so, good. You;re not the only one. I think this terrible line of thinking is stemming from bloodshot deadbeat and lack of sleep. Caffeine is starting to make me sick since i dont drink it durinh most of the day anymore. I've limited myself to only one bottle of Coke a day. Promoting a much healthier lifestyle. Not giving up soda, I still need the instant sugar most of the time.
I'm going to make a drastic change to my life this afternoon. I know I've said it before, but I really will go through with it this time. I am going to Varner House and I'm going to set up an appointment to have an individual session with a counselor. I'm really nervous about doing it though. I keep coming up with shitty scenarios in me head, thinking the counselor will listen to me speak and think in his own head "Just the usual garbage". BUt I think talking to someone is going to help in the long run. And I looked up the policy for JMU. I can go up to 10 times each academic year, or they could just refer me to a professional psychologist. I really hope option B doesnt happen. Last time I checked I wasnt to messed up to need drastic measures, but I could be wrong. Okay then. This whole crap is just further proving I'm an absolute coward. I can't even get help for myself. It's bad enough not having any courage to make a lot friends here. And I've just been feeling off in the mind, I think some of my friendships here are starting to worsen since I haven't really been talking to anybody these days. I've just felt more of a need to remained reserved, not wanting to have any communication with other people. And I've been spending more time focusing on my music. And the worst thing is I think I have taken to avoiding more people. Especially.... I just can't bring myself to really talk to her. I always start feeling stupider whenever I say anything to her. I just feel she doesn't want to listen to me talk, with my stutter and the fact that I am quiet almost all the time. I beleive strongly in the beleif "If you don't have anything meaningful to say, just don't say anything at all". I hate most superficial conversations. It's all small talk, not trying to really find out the way another person thinks, just wasting time.
Ugh, this is just a complaint entry now. I'll put the basic speil of what's been going on this week: Classes are going fine- Written theory is getting harder since it's now more basic composing and I'm had a really off day on hump day in sightsinging, where i couldn't start correctly or easily identify a diminished chord played, Sleep- Haven't been taking as many naps, Recitals- Been to a recital every night this week, good music and it's really boosting the recital attendance number, Practicing- Not as much learning for the Vivaldi, working more on Bach- finally got the allemande and prelude memorized of the first suite so now I have those two, sarabande, and the minuets memorized. And I finally got the two Chopin waltzes I memorized years ago relearned completely. Symphony has been tough to get through since it's been mad sightreading in class, and I'm really slow at these complicated passages that everyone else gets right off the back. And now I have another lesson tomorrow. NOt really looking forward to it, but I think I'll do alright, I just have to make sure I drink caffeine before it to stay calm. Nervousness and perfectionism are two qualities that negate each other. And I happen to have them both. Especially the perfectionism. BUt I can't get most things right. And I've learned that getting angry at the score doesnt help. Nor does not being able to be completely focused when practicing. I'm always worried about someone accidentally opening the door, even though the obvious case is outside, right next to the door. I wouldn't mind someone coming in to talk, but a random opening and then noticing someone is practicing in the room breaks concentration. I stopped locking the door so I cna get in and out of the room easier and so I don't lock myself out. I almost did that recently. I got so fucking scared that my cello was locked in the room at midnight a couple weeks ago. But the door stay cracked luckily, so it didnt lock. Hmm, maybe i should start taping a little sign onto the door that says "Yes there is somebody in here! Please don't touch the knob."
And I found out good news. My shirts I ordered from Wigu.com finally shipped out yesterday. They are wicked awesome. I can't wait to wear them. Especially the "complaints" one. OKay, I still have Ear Training at 8 am. So now I can get about 4.3 hours of sleep. Thank god for the sugar and my fave morning soda- Mountain Dew Livewire. Fuck yeah.
P.S- Eh gads! Mia has disappeared forever! Curse those vampire trees of C-Ville...
P.P.S- I hate COLD weather!
I'm going to make a drastic change to my life this afternoon. I know I've said it before, but I really will go through with it this time. I am going to Varner House and I'm going to set up an appointment to have an individual session with a counselor. I'm really nervous about doing it though. I keep coming up with shitty scenarios in me head, thinking the counselor will listen to me speak and think in his own head "Just the usual garbage". BUt I think talking to someone is going to help in the long run. And I looked up the policy for JMU. I can go up to 10 times each academic year, or they could just refer me to a professional psychologist. I really hope option B doesnt happen. Last time I checked I wasnt to messed up to need drastic measures, but I could be wrong. Okay then. This whole crap is just further proving I'm an absolute coward. I can't even get help for myself. It's bad enough not having any courage to make a lot friends here. And I've just been feeling off in the mind, I think some of my friendships here are starting to worsen since I haven't really been talking to anybody these days. I've just felt more of a need to remained reserved, not wanting to have any communication with other people. And I've been spending more time focusing on my music. And the worst thing is I think I have taken to avoiding more people. Especially.... I just can't bring myself to really talk to her. I always start feeling stupider whenever I say anything to her. I just feel she doesn't want to listen to me talk, with my stutter and the fact that I am quiet almost all the time. I beleive strongly in the beleif "If you don't have anything meaningful to say, just don't say anything at all". I hate most superficial conversations. It's all small talk, not trying to really find out the way another person thinks, just wasting time.
Ugh, this is just a complaint entry now. I'll put the basic speil of what's been going on this week: Classes are going fine- Written theory is getting harder since it's now more basic composing and I'm had a really off day on hump day in sightsinging, where i couldn't start correctly or easily identify a diminished chord played, Sleep- Haven't been taking as many naps, Recitals- Been to a recital every night this week, good music and it's really boosting the recital attendance number, Practicing- Not as much learning for the Vivaldi, working more on Bach- finally got the allemande and prelude memorized of the first suite so now I have those two, sarabande, and the minuets memorized. And I finally got the two Chopin waltzes I memorized years ago relearned completely. Symphony has been tough to get through since it's been mad sightreading in class, and I'm really slow at these complicated passages that everyone else gets right off the back. And now I have another lesson tomorrow. NOt really looking forward to it, but I think I'll do alright, I just have to make sure I drink caffeine before it to stay calm. Nervousness and perfectionism are two qualities that negate each other. And I happen to have them both. Especially the perfectionism. BUt I can't get most things right. And I've learned that getting angry at the score doesnt help. Nor does not being able to be completely focused when practicing. I'm always worried about someone accidentally opening the door, even though the obvious case is outside, right next to the door. I wouldn't mind someone coming in to talk, but a random opening and then noticing someone is practicing in the room breaks concentration. I stopped locking the door so I cna get in and out of the room easier and so I don't lock myself out. I almost did that recently. I got so fucking scared that my cello was locked in the room at midnight a couple weeks ago. But the door stay cracked luckily, so it didnt lock. Hmm, maybe i should start taping a little sign onto the door that says "Yes there is somebody in here! Please don't touch the knob."
And I found out good news. My shirts I ordered from Wigu.com finally shipped out yesterday. They are wicked awesome. I can't wait to wear them. Especially the "complaints" one. OKay, I still have Ear Training at 8 am. So now I can get about 4.3 hours of sleep. Thank god for the sugar and my fave morning soda- Mountain Dew Livewire. Fuck yeah.
P.S- Eh gads! Mia has disappeared forever! Curse those vampire trees of C-Ville...
P.P.S- I hate COLD weather!