Holding my breath
So tomorrow is it. The big day. My general knowledge exam. And as I sit here getting ready for bed and talking with Steve I realize why this thing has meant so much to me. As I tried to explain to Steve, I have wasted so many opportunities in my life (though thankfully I have embraced as many too) but as a graduate student I finally realized what it was like to be truly passionate about something. To throw all of myself into it, and it's not just because at the end of the day I want a job that pays well, it's because I truly want to be want good at this. That I hold myself to the highest standard and that tomorrow while I stand in front of my committee, my mentors, and peers that I am maybe not as worried that I will disappoint them but myself.
I know everyone says I will do fine, and I am sure it won't be as bad as I have been imagining but for one second I want to convey to you what this moment feels like for me. As I have poured over every notebook, paper I have written, and test I have taken in the last two and a half years I realized that it comes down to this moment. Tomorrow I will put all of that to the test, and like someone getting ready to jump out of an airplane, you hesitate for one moment and think of all that you have done to get here and what comes next, what are the consequences? I can't stop tomorrow from happening, I don't want to (I would even say I just can't wait to get this over with) but sometimes it feels like a train rushing at me. It can be overwhelming but I just have to let it happen.
And on this strange eve I place so much on this moment because it will become a fixed point in my life. A point (now) in which I see how far I have come, and after I will never be able to go backwards from.
Heh, I should get some sleep. it's going to be a long day, I still have work to do tomorrow, but alteast I made one kick ass blueberry buckle. And if all else fails I will sit in the corner and eat it myself.
I know everyone says I will do fine, and I am sure it won't be as bad as I have been imagining but for one second I want to convey to you what this moment feels like for me. As I have poured over every notebook, paper I have written, and test I have taken in the last two and a half years I realized that it comes down to this moment. Tomorrow I will put all of that to the test, and like someone getting ready to jump out of an airplane, you hesitate for one moment and think of all that you have done to get here and what comes next, what are the consequences? I can't stop tomorrow from happening, I don't want to (I would even say I just can't wait to get this over with) but sometimes it feels like a train rushing at me. It can be overwhelming but I just have to let it happen.
And on this strange eve I place so much on this moment because it will become a fixed point in my life. A point (now) in which I see how far I have come, and after I will never be able to go backwards from.
Heh, I should get some sleep. it's going to be a long day, I still have work to do tomorrow, but alteast I made one kick ass blueberry buckle. And if all else fails I will sit in the corner and eat it myself.