Fear
I've got far too many half-written posts to be starting another, but I guess this is kinda important. I pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday-to-Thursday and forgot to apply my T the next day. That was actually the first time I forgot to do it at all. "No biggie," I told myself. I got home late and decided to apply it at midnight and let that be the dose for Thursday and Friday.
Last night, I looked at my face in the mirror and saw dark hairs growing on my upper lip and got scared. When I woke up this morning, the dark hairs were still evident in the mirror. I didn't want to dose myself, so I didn't. I haven't had T in my system for about 18 hours. Since 7 May 2013, I haven't spent more than 12 hours without any added T in my body.
Apparently I really, really don't want to shave my upper lip. I know there are women, plenty of them, with more substantial mustaches than what I've got, and some of them shave, too. That's not what this is about though. I don't care if other people see my facial hair and make assessments of my gender that are in any way influenced by that. I love having sideburns, but I'm somehow deeply afraid of both shaving my upper lip and having a tween's 'stache. This is one of those internal dysphoria things that's independent of what anyone else thinks, and I'm more comfortable heeding those feelings than those I know are responses to something external, like how people interact with me.
What does this mean? I don't know if I'm taking a break or stopping or what, although I suspect I'll cave and apply a dose for Saturday and Sunday at midnight tonight. I'm sorta glad my partner's out of town right now because I don't think talking to him would clarify anything for me. While I think it's important to leave evidence of my doubts where I can't deny them, I don't think this is something for which I should make myself accountable to others, especially those who are invested in my choice.
How does it feel? I haven't been really self-conscious about my voice or unable to interact with people socially. I don't think I can go a week without T, not now anyway, because I'm starting to feel anxious about all the stuff I have to do this week. I have some public speaking lined up, among other things, and just feel like I need T in order to face the world. But I'm going to need to get over my fear of shaving my upper lip first. I don't know who to ask for help. I really wish I had a big brother right now, preferably a non-binary one.
Last night, I looked at my face in the mirror and saw dark hairs growing on my upper lip and got scared. When I woke up this morning, the dark hairs were still evident in the mirror. I didn't want to dose myself, so I didn't. I haven't had T in my system for about 18 hours. Since 7 May 2013, I haven't spent more than 12 hours without any added T in my body.
Apparently I really, really don't want to shave my upper lip. I know there are women, plenty of them, with more substantial mustaches than what I've got, and some of them shave, too. That's not what this is about though. I don't care if other people see my facial hair and make assessments of my gender that are in any way influenced by that. I love having sideburns, but I'm somehow deeply afraid of both shaving my upper lip and having a tween's 'stache. This is one of those internal dysphoria things that's independent of what anyone else thinks, and I'm more comfortable heeding those feelings than those I know are responses to something external, like how people interact with me.
What does this mean? I don't know if I'm taking a break or stopping or what, although I suspect I'll cave and apply a dose for Saturday and Sunday at midnight tonight. I'm sorta glad my partner's out of town right now because I don't think talking to him would clarify anything for me. While I think it's important to leave evidence of my doubts where I can't deny them, I don't think this is something for which I should make myself accountable to others, especially those who are invested in my choice.
How does it feel? I haven't been really self-conscious about my voice or unable to interact with people socially. I don't think I can go a week without T, not now anyway, because I'm starting to feel anxious about all the stuff I have to do this week. I have some public speaking lined up, among other things, and just feel like I need T in order to face the world. But I'm going to need to get over my fear of shaving my upper lip first. I don't know who to ask for help. I really wish I had a big brother right now, preferably a non-binary one.