i quit!
2 nights in a row i've dreamt about good looking men flirting w/ &/or dating me... the first night it was a dark-skinned mediterranean hottie... last night, i don't remember the features, but i'm thinking not so dark... so it got me thinking about everything i know about dating & i realize that i was 21 the last time i was 'available' & actively interacting w/ men... freakin A! (i'm 29 now, for those who don't know me...) which explains why i have no clue how to act around someone i'm interested in... so i'm trying this new 'cool' approach, where i seem to not really care... like all nonchalant & not-needy, like it doesn't matter if he asks me out or not... b/c it really *doesn't* matter, y'know... i'm perfectly happy alone- gots tons of stuff to keep me busy- gots an excellent cat who cuddles well & often, gots several good girlfriends i can get my social kicks with... i'm set. & if he doesn't ask me out, that's cool, that leaves me open for someone better to ask me out eventually... & in the meantime, i gots plenty o' time to paint & chill w/ my girlz. & my beloved gatto.
now, i'm just as liberated as the next girl, & i have asked guys out in the past- but i don't do that anymore- & here's why: if a guy really likes a girl, he'll ask her out. if he doesn't- he's not that into her, or he's extremely shy. but if she asks him out, he might say yes b/c he's got nothing better to do that night, or he thinks he might be able to get laid, or some other man-reason- but he's not really into her & she's really wasting her time. better to send a subtle invitation w/ a look & a smile & wait for him to gather the courage to approach. can't go getting all excited & school-girlish about 'im before that... that tends to upset them for some reason.
in other news, i'm ready to quit smoking. almost no one i know smokes these days & i'm being stupid to continue doing something that's hurting me. but such is my way... i did spend 7 years of my life w/ a man who took enjoyment from destroying me on a very subtle but significant level. i think smoking is the last vestige of my self-loathing, and it's time i outgrew it... to quit smoking is to tell myself that i love me & i respect my will to live & my health, my body, etc... & so it will be a symbolic measure of my relatively newfound self-love... a ritual, if you will- to manifest other-love in my life... as inside, so outside- as above, so below & all that existential jazz.
i've learned that to make things happen in my life, all i have to do is take one step in the right direction & the universe clicks everything else into place for me, what i need is inherent to my path & what i want falls right into my lap. so i have determined that my next 'one step' is to show the universe that i love myself and i want to live healthy & happy & long to enjoy whatever gifts she might bring to me... i have 3 cigarettes left. i will put off smoking them for as long as i can stand it, & i will not buy a new pack. it is october 13th & i have decided to quit smoking. yay me!
hmm.... great deep big things are afoot... shake it up!
now, i'm just as liberated as the next girl, & i have asked guys out in the past- but i don't do that anymore- & here's why: if a guy really likes a girl, he'll ask her out. if he doesn't- he's not that into her, or he's extremely shy. but if she asks him out, he might say yes b/c he's got nothing better to do that night, or he thinks he might be able to get laid, or some other man-reason- but he's not really into her & she's really wasting her time. better to send a subtle invitation w/ a look & a smile & wait for him to gather the courage to approach. can't go getting all excited & school-girlish about 'im before that... that tends to upset them for some reason.
in other news, i'm ready to quit smoking. almost no one i know smokes these days & i'm being stupid to continue doing something that's hurting me. but such is my way... i did spend 7 years of my life w/ a man who took enjoyment from destroying me on a very subtle but significant level. i think smoking is the last vestige of my self-loathing, and it's time i outgrew it... to quit smoking is to tell myself that i love me & i respect my will to live & my health, my body, etc... & so it will be a symbolic measure of my relatively newfound self-love... a ritual, if you will- to manifest other-love in my life... as inside, so outside- as above, so below & all that existential jazz.
i've learned that to make things happen in my life, all i have to do is take one step in the right direction & the universe clicks everything else into place for me, what i need is inherent to my path & what i want falls right into my lap. so i have determined that my next 'one step' is to show the universe that i love myself and i want to live healthy & happy & long to enjoy whatever gifts she might bring to me... i have 3 cigarettes left. i will put off smoking them for as long as i can stand it, & i will not buy a new pack. it is october 13th & i have decided to quit smoking. yay me!
hmm.... great deep big things are afoot... shake it up!