Fanfiction: No Time for Later Now

[icitall]

Title: No Time for Later Now

Rating:NC17

Summary: …when she all but blurts “I’m not having sex with you again.” she sure she catches him as much off guard as she catches herself.

Disclaimer: Not Mine.

A/N: One shot, non specific timeline...Just sorta felt like writing.

They’re not dating. They just aren’t but Elizabeth is well aware that something is going on between John and herself. She’s knows that things are building and developing between them that really shouldn’t be but things are growing faster than she can suppress them and she knows that if this was any place else, if they were anyone else that she’d let herself fall.

She’s also fairly certain that them having sex probably didn’t help.

Elizabeth can feel John’s eyes on her as she leans forward on her desk trying to follow Radek and Rodney’s nearly frenetic proposal for the next mission which is hard enough with Radek’s thick accent and Rodney’s nearly continuous use of run on sentences without John gazing at her lazily, his eyebrows low and eyes dark and it feels like there’s a spotlight burning through her skin.

They’ve only done it once, had sex and since things have been…different despite the morning after and her rant of how wrong all of it was amidst her frantic search for her clothes. Despite the fact that it was and always will be a one time thing ,John is defiantly flirtatious and sexual with her and its unbelievably annoying and makes a blush burn high in her cheeks.

“Gentlemen! Gentlemen!” Elizabeth interrupts standing suddenly and Radek and Rodney both turn to face her while she glances down at John who’s still sprawled lazily in his chair. “Do you have any objections to this mission?” She asks even though everyone is aware that while she’ll take John’s opinion into consideration in the long run its her decision.

“While it sounds extremely boring, I don’t see a problem with it.” John responds, his lips quirking upwards slightly as he straightens in his seat.

“Well, neither do I. So your mission is a go gentlemen.” She smiles and they both thank her before leaving her office and Elizabeth drops back into her chair, leaning back and swiveling gently left to right while John stays seated across from her.

His thumb is pressed to his lips and she takes in the curve of his forearm, the black wristband he constantly wears, the pink of his lips before meeting his eyes and he looks at her like he knows what she was looking at, like he knows what she was thinking about and he smiles a little bit. She feels the blush burn up her throat as she closes her eyes and presses her head back against the leather head rest.

Elizabeth remembers their night together vividly despite the fact that it was nearly a week ago, not that she’s keeping track. She remembers his long fingers wrapped too tight around her flesh and his teeth sharp on her skin and his whole laid-back demeanor that he usually projects lost in dominance and intensity that she’d never seen him display before. Somehow he’d known exactly how to control her body and that scared her.

“Isn’t there something you should be doing?” She asks, opening one eye to watch him lean back in his chair and he shrugs.

“Not particularly.” he responds and Elizabeth shuts her eyes with a sigh.

“So…whatcha thinking about?” He asks casually, the grin in his voice audible and she can’t help the smile that stretches her face.

“Get out.”

She listens to his rumbling laughter as he leaves.

***

“Doctor Weir.” Elizabeth’s answers the beep of her headset absently as she glances around the mess hall.

“So what’re you wearing.”

John’s question startles Elizabeth so much that she promptly trips, stumbles and nearly drops the tray of food she’d finally found time to grab in the middle of the mess hall.

“John!” she hisses into her headset glancing around before slamming her tray down at an empty table and John’s laughter irritatingly fills her head.

“I know. I know. Inappropriate.” He chuckles over the line and Elizabeth is shaking her head even though he can’t see her.

“That would be an understatement, Colonel.” she clears her throat and rests her head in her hands, elbows resting on the table on either side of her tray while her fingers slip into her hair, nails dragging over her scalp. She groans quietly trying to relieve the tension that comes with mountains of paperwork and feels like it settled at the base of her skull.

“Long day?” he asks and she wonders idly how he knows, how he can always tell but she just breathes “Yeah” into the line

“Where are you, anyway?” she asks and she knows where he is, his literal location in the Universe but she’s curious as to why and how he has so much free time just to chat since he’s on a scientific mission for the next two days.

“Well it looks like the scientist have hit the jackpot here and apparently my military services are not needed at the moment. Ronon’s with them and I am…protecting the perimeter.” He says and Elizabeth smiles a little bit while she reaches and opens her water bottle.

“They made you leave?” She asks and she listens to his indignant huff of air.

“They accused me of touching things.”

“And?”

“I barely touched it and nothing even happened! But they got all upset and then they took a vote and long story short they would rather have Ronon stay with them than me. I hate when the geeks band together.” he audibly sulks and Elizabeth laughs around the mouth of her water bottle.

There’s a lull of silence before John speaks again and when he does is voice is low and smooth.

Dangerous.

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot, Elizabeth.” he begins and she inhales a shaky breath.

“John, don’t.” And she doesn’t mean for it to sound like begging but of course it does and he lets out a frustrated sound but keeps going.

“I think about touching you and kissing you and I just can’t…” he trails of and Elizabeth shuts her eyes and listens to his silence. She knows John isn’t really the type to express himself in words, much more partial to action, and she can’t help but wonder if he’s doing this, talking with her like this because he knows words get through to her, words she can understand.

She wonders if he’s trying for her.

“Me too.” she breathes and she’s so stupid because she’s playing into this, whatever this is, when she should, in fact, be running away as fast and far as possible.

“You never answered my question, Elizabeth.” he whispers after a moment and she frowns in confusion but doesn’t open her eyes.

“What-”

“What’re you wearing right now?” Elizabeth groans through the smile breaking on her face.

“John.” She admonishes and his laughter is loud and bright on the line.

“You’re not answering. Does this mean you’re naked?”

The blush goes all the way to the tip of her ears as she abruptly ends they’re connection.

***

Sheppard’s team comes back in the middle of the night two days later because on the planet it had been morning. Elizabeth stayed up to meet them and to tell them to get some rest so they can debrief in the morning. She’s nearly to her quarters when John catches up to her.

“Hey.” he smiles falling into step beside her and he must’ve just gotten out of his post mission check up in the infirmary because he’s still wearing his field gear, his boot heavy on the floor.

“Hi.” she smiles and tries to ignore the flutter in her stomach. They walk in silence for a moment before she glances at him.

“What’re you doing?” she asks and he shrugs, pushing his hands down into his pockets in n unexpectedly boyish gesture that just does something to her.

“I’m walking you to your room.” he grins and Elizabeth stops mid stride and turns to him.

His skin is slightly more tan, color high in his cheeks and across his forehead and with his flak vest hanging open over his black tee shirt, his whole appearance is unpredictably appealing and makes her remember the hard muscle of his back and the narrowness of his hips.

When she meets his knowing gaze he’s watching her with green and gold eyes and when she all but blurts “I’m not having sex with you again.” she sure she catches him as much off guard as she catches herself.

“Oh.” he begins confused. “Okay.” She nods once, folding her arms over her chest and he mimics her action, watching her quietly.

“What?” she asks squirming under his gaze and the corner of his mouth lifts slightly.

“I think you want to. I know you do.” he speaks quietly stepping forward and Elizabeth takes a step back against the wall of the corridor and traps herself between a proverbial rock and a hard place.

“You’re very sure of yourself, colonel.” She mutters as he mostly looms over her and he licks his lips in gesture that she’d bet her life is deliberate.

“Yeah, you could say that.” he laughs easily and Elizabeth rolls her eyes glancing up and down the corridor. “And it’s okay if you do want to have sex with me, you know.” he speaks carefully stepping closer to her and letting one of his hands find hers. His fingers slip across her palm before she feels her heart lurch in her chest and she lets herself feel him.

“And it’s alright if you don’t. I just like being able to be like this with you, to feel like this with you.” he whispers and Elizabeth can’t help but slide her fingers between them, entwining them and his eyes lock onto their laced fingers.

“That night.” he begins throatily and Elizabeth lick her lips. “That night, when you came, you squeezed my hand like this.” His fingers tighten around hers in reminiscence and her head drops back on her neck and back against the wall at the heat his words are inspiring in her. “You squeezed my hand so tight.” he mutters still staring at their hands and she lets herself sink into the memory with him.

Remembering what it felt like with him. Her thighs locked around his ribs while he moved inside of her like he’d had all the time in the world. Her hands laced with his and pinned to the sheets over her head as the heat in her pelvis, thighs and low in her stomach exploded. She remembers the white hot rush and the pull of muscle in her back and thighs as she arched into the feeling, into him, with a broken cry.

She’s not sure what to say so she stays quiet, watching him until he meets her eyes. “Do you regret what happened?” John asks carefully, eyes searching her face with clear honesty and she shakes her head no slowly.

“I don’t.” Even though it would be so much easier if she did

***

“You’re not supposed to be working.” Elizabeth looks up a little surprised that she hadn’t noticed his presence on the balcony sooner and she eyes his dark washed jeans and faded grey tee shirt appreciatively before looking back at the PDA in her palm.

“I’m, uh, I’m not.” she murmurs distractedly, the stylus moving quickly over the touch screen and this time she very aware of him as he moves closer until he’s unnervingly near and the knuckles of the hand holding the PDA are brushing against the soft material of his tee shirt. And it seems like lately John spends a lot of his time existing in her personal space but then again she’s doesn’t move away like she should.

She’s assenting to his looming.

“Elizabeth, it’s Sunday.” He begins in that low rumbling voice that goes right through her sometimes while his hand moves to cover the PDA in hers and when she looks up he’s watching her with sparkling eyes.

“Yes, I know John but-” she starts trying to tug the gadget free and he just laughs, tilting his head towards hers and he smells really really good and that almost makes Elizabeth roll her eyes. Of course he has to smell great.

“No buts. You’re supposed to be relaxing.” Elizabeth glares at John tugging hard once more on the PDA before relinquishing it with a huff of air and a furrowed brow.

“I am relaxing. I’m on the balcony. I’m wearing jeans. What more do you want from me?” Exasperation soaks her words and she feels an unsolicited smile spread across her face at John’s soft chuckle that seems to just ooze charm.

“While I realize that you are on a balcony and I’ve definitely noticed that you’re wearing jeans…really fantastic jeans…” He trails off for a moment, eyes flitting over her with a look that makes her ears turn red. “ I want you to unwind, chill out.”

“I do not ‘chill out‘.” she grinds out incredulously

“Elizabeth, look around you. Look where we are. It’s beautiful here and you spend way too much time in that office hunched over paperwork.” He says physically turning Elizabeth around by the shoulders towards the ocean of water that surrounds Atlantis and the bright blue sky that hovers over it and it really is beautiful. She takes a deep breath and the smells like sunshine and salt water and tries to ignore the way John’s thumb are pressing into the tight muscle at the back of her neck.

“I have excellent posture.” she mutters dropping her chin slightly when his thumbs meet just over the vertebrae at the base of her neck and knead the muscles there. “I don’t hunch.”

“That’s not what these muscles says. I mean if you need a good reason to get away from all that paperwork, I‘d say a fear of a hunchback is an excellent one, Quasimodo.” he murmurs breathing right against Elizabeth’s ear and she licks her lips around a grin and puts her hands on the railing in front of her.

She remembers how in the pitch black of his quarters, in a bed that was far to small for what they were doing, he pressed words she couldn’t make out into her skin.

The thrill the memory sends up Elizabeth’s spine is dangerous and with a deep breath she steps away from John’s hands, crossing her arms over her stomach.

“I’m okay, John.” she whispers reaching up to run one hand through her hair and he nods taking a step back like he needs to.

“Well, we’re having a Star Trek marathon after lunch. You should come because there’s nothing more relaxing than Star Trek. I mean, that’s just a personal opinion but…” he trails off with a grin and Elizabeth laughs softly with a nod.

“I’ll try.” John gives her a look that can definitely be compared to a puppy and she looks away to hide her smile. “Alright. I’ll go.”

***

“Dr. Weir, I do not think I fully understand the excitement over this program.”

Teyla sits confused on the big plush sofa in the rec room beside Elizabeth with Star Trek playing on the television the scientist managed to hotwire to the city and Elizabeth isn’t all that sure she gets it either but there’s something about being apart of this, feeling apart of something instead of always feeling alone at the top, that lets her find joy in trying to explain to Teyla what’s happening even when Elizabeth isn’t all that sure, listening to Rodney point out every scientific improbability, hearing Ronon grumble about how much he hates the show and have it all nearly drowned out by John yelling at the screen.

They’re only a few episode when Mckay’s notoriously short attention span for things he doesn’t care about takes over and he stands and leaves ranting to no one in particular that he has much more important things to do then sit around watching a scientifically inaccurate television show. He’s followed soon after by Ronon who doesn’t even give an explanation, just gets up from one of the other couches in the room and stands right in front of the television to John’s extremely verbal chagrin and declares the show ‘stupid.’ before leaving with a still bewildered Teyla who apologizes but says that she’s inclined to agree with Ronon before escaping about as benevolently as possible.

They’re alone, of course they’re alone, and Elizabeth knows how exceedingly risky her being alone with John can be in the whole ‘not having sex’ strategy.

Her senses are on high alert when he moves from his position on the floor to sit beside her on the couch and Elizabeth clenches her teeth against the way her heart speeds up and her brain screams ‘run’. She should just get up. Just get up make some polite excuse and get the hell out of there. And yet, despite the signals from her brain, she’s still firmly planted on the couch cushions.

“So do you watch this because you can relate?” Elizabeth asks quietly glancing away from the screen at John who looks far more relaxed than she feels and he gives her a confused look. “Captain Kirk?” she emphasizes and a smile breaks out across his lips.

“Me? Captain Kirk? I always thought of myself as more of a Sulu.”

“Well how Rodney has explained it, from all of your…escapades. You are the Kirk of Atlantis.” Elizabeth mutters with a smirk and beside her John just shrugs with something close to embarrassment.

“McKay’s wrong. I don’t just sleep with people I don’t care for.” And his words are so clear and heartfelt that Elizabeth can’t even look at him.

He moves closer, the sound of his clothes rustling against the material of the couch is almost deafening in the room and when his fingers slip into her hair, Elizabeth swallows hard, closing her eyes while John scoots even closer. His breath is soft against her skin and she exhales shakily when his nose brushes her cheek, his hands urging her to turn and face him.

“John I don’t…” She tries quietly and when she speaks her lips brush his in a promise of a kiss and then his hands are curling in her hair and he’s dragging in air with a desperation that’s sharp and intense and unnervingly contagious.

And it feels like she’s slipping, falling, plunging and her fingers fist his tee shirt at his shoulder because the feeling is terrifying.

“It’s okay.” he whispers just before his presses his lips to hers and even as she lets his tongue slip past her lips she’s aware that its not. His hands cup her skull while he kisses her deep and searching and the hand not clutching at his shirt comes up to wrap the curve of his elbow and its all so blinding and intense that she can’t even catch a breath. Scarcely even thinks about breathing as she pushes into him, just leans into this, and swallows the sound he makes in the base of his throat. Her body feels throbbing and tight in a way that John has only ever made her feel.

Elizabeth is nearly in his lap when realization slams into her with all the subtlety of a freight train with no brakes.

“No.” She’s pushing away from John, drawing shaky fingers across her mouth as she staggers to even shakier legs. She leaves John almost literally grasping at thin air.

“What the hell? Elizabeth.” He gasps and Elizabeth shakes her head cursing a streak that would make any grown man blush.

“Dammit, I can’t do this” And she really can’t understand why the hell she keeps letting things like this happen. Why she can’t seem to gather in her control around him. Why she can’t run when her damn brain tells her to run.

Well Elizabeth actually knows why and the notion is scary.

“I have to get out of here.” she breathes turning quickly towards the rooms only exit. “Jesus, Elizabeth wait!” she hears John shout but she’s already slipping out the door and back into reality.

***

Elizabeth’ s heart is in her throat and her stomach is at her feet and that with the anger bubbling under her skin makes everything else feel nauseas. The lines have been dead for a long time and Elizabeth stands with quaking impatience in the control tower, hoping, waiting, praying.

The initial mission was a simple meet and greet with a potential ally but like many things that go on in Atlantis soon went to hell in a hand basket with the arrival of the wraith and the culling of the village.

She’d given Sheppard an order to return to Atlantis. To bring his team and himself home and to not go try and save the 15 survivors from the Wraith culling that is plaguing their modest society.

He didn’t listen and she’s somehow surprised when in actuality she really shouldn’t be. “I have to do this Elizabeth, we have to try and help them.” He’d said just before he’d cut off all communication with a hiss of static that made her flinch. That pissed her off.

Elizabeth isn’t sure how long she stands there listening to static so anxiously that her throat is tight. No one moves, not her or the technicians as they stand stock still.

It feels like a breathless eternity before the communication line explodes to life and makes her jump so hard she nearly bites her tongue. When she glances at her watch the radio silence lasted an hour and seven minutes but it felt longer. It felt like a lifetime.

“This is Sheppard. We’re coming in hot. Have the med team ready for these refugees.” And he sounds calm and collected and Elizabeth exhales hard, feels all the technicians eyes on her before turning and walking out.

***

“Elizabeth?”

“Get out.” Elizabeth is angry. She’s furious. She’s fuming and honestly she wouldn’t be all that surprised if steam was pouring out of her ears.

“Elizabeth?” John stammers again stepping further, bravely, into her office and she’s not really all that sure what he expects from her. Praise? Does he think she’ll congratulate him on ignoring her orders again and by the will of God succeeding in a hair brained, half assed plan? No, she won’t glorify that because she knows that luck runs out. It has to eventually.

She doesn’t even want to discuss the fear. The fear that he’d failed, that the team failed and that one of them could be gone. That John could be gone.

“What?” Elizabeth all but barks looking up from the reports she’d thrown herself into so she could calm down and refocus but she finds herself blindly reading the paperwork while rage rushes in her ears.

She’s glad that John had succeeded, of course she is, how can she be angry about lives being saved and Elizabeth is relieved that none of John’s team is seriously injured but he’d disobeyed an order so direct there was no confusing it, cutting off his headset and all communications with Atlantis for hours. And it’s so blatantly disrespectful that it hurts, her authority, her pride, her heart and she can’t even stand to look at him.

“What?” Elizabeth asks again pushing away from her desk to stand and she can feel her eyebrow skyrocket towards her hairline. “Let me guess, you want to apologize. You’re sorry.” She sneers and the flicker of anger in his eyes makes her grit her teeth for the knock out, bare knuckled brawl she can feel barreling down on them.

“No, I’m not gonna apologize. You were wrong. We saved an entire village of refugees today. I won’t apologize for that.”

“Right or wrong is irrelevant. I determined that the objective was too dangerous. You disobeyed a direct order, Colonel.” She spits his rank on the floor at his feet and she watches his lips pull back in anger. “And while I thank God those people we’re saved and that you succeeded the problem still lies with you understanding how a chain of command actually works.”

“I know damn well how a chain of command works, Doctor. And I also know-”

“Well then you know you do not get to pick and choose what orders you obey and which you don’t.” Elizabeth cuts him off, raising her voice and John frowns deeply putting his hands on hips.

“I will not stand for this kind of…blatant disrespect, John.”

John opens his mouth but once again Elizabeth cuts him off, moving to sit back down at her desk.

“This discussion is over Colonel. Disobey an order again and I’m reporting you.” With that she’s done, turning back to her work and John lingers in her office for a moment before storming out.

***

It’s relatively early when Elizabeth leaves her office because her anger has dissipated, taking her energy with it and leaving behind a painful throbbing in her forehead, just over her right eye. She rubs tiredly at the spot now, her skin reddened from the scorching shower she’d hoped would relax her and smother her headache but hadn’t and her hair curling wet around her shoulders . Now she thinks about John, about the argument and while she’s upset she knows she’s not in the wrong for being angry. Right or wrong, it was her call to make.

He should’ve respected it.

Elizabeth is pulling on a white tank top and soft sleeping shorts when her door chimes and before she can answer it its sliding open with a whoosh of air and Elizabeth knows it’s John before she sees him.

“John.” Elizabeth begins because he looks all determined striding across the room towards her and she really doesn’t have the energy to do this tonight. “John, I-” Her sentence ends abruptly with a muffled squeak as John grabs her, his hands fisting in her hair while he drags her mouth to his.

He kisses her hard and the way their teeth slam together is painful and when she tries to rear back, palms pressing against his shoulder he grunts while she tries to wrestle out of his grip.

“Let go.” she cries jerking away from his mouth when her ass slams painfully into her dresser. She licks her lips, tastes him there, and the anger she’d thought she hadn’t been capable of explodes inside of her.

She shoves at his shoulders again and he takes a stumbling step back so she does it again, pushing him until his back hits the wall and the entire time he watches her with unreadable eyes.

“What the hell is you’re problem?” she screams moving to push at his upper body again but he’s already against the wall and when her hands hit his chest he grabs her wrists and holds her close to him.

“I’m sorry.” His voice is thick and heartbreaking and she squeezes her eyes shut dragging in deep slow breaths and trying to calm the fluttering in her chest.

“You could’ve gotten yourself killed. You could’ve gotten you’re team killed. Don‘t you think it was hard for me to tell you not to save those people. I wanted to help them.” She whispers, weakening against him and when it really comes down to it that‘s what all of this is about.

“I’m sorry.” he breathes again softly and this time she’s the one leaning forward to capture his mouth. She kisses him hard, she just wants to hurt him and when he gasps against her mouth she pushes her tongue past his lips.

She doesn’t fight him when his hands start yanking at her clothes, when her tank top is tugged over her head and he slides one hand down the back of her shorts, cupping her ass. Her mouth finds the lobe of his ear and when she bites down too hard he groans and pulls her hips hard into hers and she can feel him hard against her.

She sort of hates how wet she is so quickly and how her hands are shaking but she doesn’t stop, doubts she can even though she’d sworn to herself, to him, to any higher power that was listening that she would never ever let this happened again but here she is with John’s hands on her bare breasts while she tries to breathe around his tongue.

Elizabeth is thrown off balance when John drops quickly to his knees between her and the wall and she leans into the wall, watching as he fumbles with the drawstring of her shorts with trembling fingers and he’s surreally submissive on his knees in front of her and when he finally, finally gets it undone she leans her forehead on her forearm against the wall while the other reaches down to fist in his dark hair.

Her shorts are barely dropping past her knees when he twist her panties around his fist, not bothering to take them off or even rip them, instead dragging them to the side and exposing her to him. She drags in a shuddering breath and then his mouth is on her, so hot that it’s almost painful and she cries out brokenly.

One hand is on her hip and the other is on her ass, his nails biting into her skin as he laps at her sex and she has to untangle her foot from her shorts to get her leg over his shoulder like she needs it. He drags tight circles around her clit and she can’t stop the weak cries pushing past her throat or the desperate way her hips are bucking against his mouth.

‘Oh God, Oh God’ is the only thing she can think and then she realizes she’s pushing the words through her gritted teeth as her stomach clenches and her thighs shake. When she looks down and opens her eyes John is watching her with dark eyes in the harsh overhead lights of her quarters while his mouth moves messily between her legs.

And it’s clumsy, sloppy and reckless but she’s gasping and squeezing her eyes shut when his teeth catch against her clit and then she’s coming so hard she can’t breathe and her hips jerk against the hot suction of his mouth.

Tears burn at Elizabeth’s eyes as he slowly straightens her underwear, pulls up her shorts, retying them painstakingly and then John is standing and kissing her so deep that she’ll never forget that taste.

“Jesus, look at you. Look at you like this.” He murmurs softly against her mouth as his hand slides between her thighs and when he thumbs her clit through layers of cloth her eyes flit upwards into her head with a choked gasp.

She buries her face in his shirt with a sob and his hands are hot on her back.

“I’m sorry.” he whispers again and she nods against his collarbone

“ I know.” she sighs. “I know.”

She doesn’t invite him to stay and its mostly because he doesn’t ask and when she lies in bed all alone she presses her face into her pillow, tries to breathe through the cotton and feathers and can’t help but think that it’s a perfect physical manifestation for what she’s feeling inside.

Elizabeth isn’t use to making mistakes. She’s spent her entire childhood and most of her adult life being perfect. Perfecting her linguistic skill, perfecting her negotiation skill, perfecting herself but ever since her arrival in Atlantis it hasn’t felt perfect, it feels like missteps and fumbling and miscalculation and she’s painfully aware that she’s dabbling with the biggest mistake of all. Despite this knowledge, in spite of knowing that she can loose everything she finds herself wading deeper in this with John, who doesn’t seem to fear giving everything up for this, for her, and she’s knows that that accounts for something.

Something significant.

***

“We need to talk.” John’s voice is low with exhaustion and Elizabeth stands in the doorway of her quarters while he sits against the wall across from the entrance. He looks tired and haggard and she swallows slowly. She hadn’t expected this considering she’d just spent the ten minutes before leaving her room mentally preparing herself for the silence she’d assumed that was going to be between her and John and trying to ignore the hickey on the inside of her thigh. This is what she deserves for assuming anything. Especially anything involving John Sheppard.

“We need to talk.” He says again looking up at her with red rimmed hazel eyes that she’s never ever seen so dejected. It makes her want to crouch down in front of him and press her palms against his unshaven jaw.

“I-I can’t.” she stutters shaking her head because Jesus, she can’t do this. Before she can even make a move to head down the hallway John is moving, standing and forcing her back into her room as the door hisses shut behind him.

“We need to talk.” he bites out again and she jerks out of his grasp, glancing over his shoulder at the closed door longingly and she feels claustrophobia settling on her back.

“John, why are you doing this?” she asks breathlessly, wiping her hands on her pants and he shakes his head watching her with disbelief.

“Why am I doing this? Me? Why am I doing this? Why are you doing this, Elizabeth? Tell me that because you‘re the one that is making this hard.” He yells, the corded muscles in his neck distended with the effort and Elizabeth blinks hard against the stinging in her eyes.

“What am I doing, John? What?” Her voice is too high and it cracks so hard that it hurts but she can’t stop staring at him as he pushes his hands angrily through his hair.

“Why are you…Why are you fighting this thing between us? Why are you fighting so hard against this?” He asks and she feels the words pushing to get free, stilted at the tip of her tongue and tears are blurring her vision.

“I can’t do this.” she pleads pressing a shaky hand to her eyes. “I can’t do this with you John.”

“Do what, Elizabeth? Have this conversation or this relationship.” He asks coldly and she winces biting at her bottom lip.

“I can’t do either.” she whispers closing her eyes and its just for a moment and when she opens her eyes John is staring at her with hot, bitter eyes and his jaw visibly clenching and releasing.

“You’re a coward.” he spits out and the words hit her like a physical blow. “You stand there and you tell me that you don’t want to be with me after everything that’s happened?” he asks stepping closer to where she stands in the middle of the room. “You’re a coward.”

“Go to hell.” she snaps because despite the fact that she’s built most of her life around talking, discussing, arguing she’s has no other defense against words that are hitting to close to home.

“You’re afraid because you feel something for me.” he speaks with careful anger and Elizabeth drops her chin and can feel everything she’s been holding back, tucking away, hitching in her chest and making it hard to breathe. “I can see it in your eyes, in the way you smile. I see it, I feel it.”

Emotion claws up her throat and Elizabeth swallows once, twice, “What do you want from me John?” and it feels like she’s screaming but it comes out raspy and raw like begging. “So I’m scared and yes, I feel..” she breaks off dragging in a tight breath. “I feel something for you but I don’t know if its enough because if things go wrong, if its not enough then we could loose every-everything.” Elizabeth chokes the words out and it feels like its been so long since she’s given voice to how she actually feels that it makes her ache.

“Elizabeth…” he begins quietly and Elizabeth shakes her head breathing through the tears that have broken free and dragging the back of her hand across the wetness angrily.

“I don’t love you and because I don’t I’m not sure if this is worth loosing everything.” And just like that the truth is sitting between them and Elizabeth wraps her arms around herself while John watches her with an unreadable expression.

“But…” he begins licking his lips. “But you could…love me. Because if you couldn’t, if you didn’t think we could possibly work out we wouldn’t even be here. This deep in. You wouldn’t be fighting me so hard.” He croaks the words out and Elizabeth hiccups a sob.

“Just go John. Just leave.” Elizabeth pleads and he shakes his head slowly, his brow furrowed.

“How can I? How can I leave you now when I know?” he whispers stepping closer until they’re nearly touching and Elizabeth can’t look him in the eye. His hands come up hot against Elizabeth’s neck, calloused thumbs brushing over the curve of her jaw.

“John.” Elizabeth whispers his name hoarsely as her hands come up to cover his and when he moves to kiss her she meets him halfway with parted lips.

She kisses him like she’s dying and maybe she is.

She lets him urge her towards the bed.

“Just try Elizabeth. Just try.” he whispers against her skin and she can’t help the sob that breaks free against his lips and he easily swallows her pain. She fumbles with his clothes, dragging his shirt over his head and tugging at his belt and he bites out a curse and tries to kiss her again.

“No. You’re clothes. Help me get them off.” she whispers anxiously rearing back and she needs to have him inside of her, needs him to make her feel the way she hasn’t felt with anyone but him.

He grunts something she can’t understand reaching for her again, catching her and then he’s kissing her, twisting his fists in her hair and it’s soft and deep and Elizabeth moans going slightly slack against him.

They don’t make it to the bed and later Elizabeth could probably find humor in the fact that they end up on the floor almost completely naked only a foot away from the end of the bed but its not all that funny as she pushes John’s briefs down off his hips and over his ass with just her feet while his mouth is scorching hot against her breast and then he’s naked and she’s still wearing pants and he pulls back to gaze down at her.

She wonders what he sees right now. She can feel how raw her lips are and can feel how gritty tears have made her eyes and she shifts on the cool marble ground.

“John.” she breathes letting her hands slip between their bodies, in the tight space where he’s cradled between her legs to fumble with the clasp on her pants.

“Jesus, you’re beautiful.” he breathes and she swallows, pauses in her frantic removal of her pants to kiss him before arching against his hard body and forcing her pants down over her legs. Then it’s like he snaps and comes back to himself because he’s kissing her again, one hand sliding under her head to protect her skull while he all but wrestles her out of her underwear.

When his fingers find their way between her thighs she bucks slightly and cries out because it feels…it feels and her arms slide around his shoulders while his head drops and his teeth find her throat, his cock hard against her thigh.

And while the first time was good it wasn’t the same. This time is so deliberate and promising that its terrifying. Elizabeth is wet and trembling and so sensitive it’s almost embarrassing and she has to sink her teeth into his shoulder and beg him to stop stroking her with his fingers because the pressure building in the small of he back, between her thighs is too intense.

“Okay. Okay.” he mutters guiding her thighs high around his waist and then he looks into her eyes, just looks at her like he’s seeing everything inside of her and she slides her hands to his lower back and doesn’t look away as he guides himself inside of her.

She can’t take it. He smells like sweat and sex and his hair is damp where it brushes against her skin from perspiration. And it’s like overloading.

Elizabeth is coming hard and bright around him before John even makes it through the first searing thrust. He’s hot and hard inside of her and it’s too much. Legs closing around him like a vice, body clamping down on him and it feels like a scream is pushing past her throat but its more air than voice and she feels his whole entire body sway to a stop.

“Christ.” John whispers gasping for air as her body clenches and releases and she muffles broken cries against his shoulder.

When Elizabeth manages to come back to herself John is still hard inside of her, mouth pressed to her temple and she breathes in then out before turning and brushing her lips over the pointed shell of his ear. He’s trembling slightly, breathing hard and Elizabeth whispers his name to get his attention.

“You’re right.” she whispers and she feels him breathe against her sweaty skin. “I don’t love you. But I could.”

The End