Army wives fanfic part 1
Titile: Negative Space-Part 1
Author: Icitall
Rating: Nc17
Summary: "God, she must be getting it wrong."
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
She’s mixing signals.
Denise thinks she has to be. Mixing signals from Claudia Joy, mixing signals in her body and mixing signals in her mind.
She knows that when Claudia Joy’s fingertips slip across the back of her neck, that when Claudia Joy takes her hand and entwines their fingers under the table during lunch, her heart shouldn’t lurch in her chest the way it does and there shouldn’t be that warm twist in her stomach but its there every single time and God, she must be getting it wrong.
Things are connected incorrectly and getting confused because when she looks at Frank, when she looks at her husband, she loves him and she always will but sometimes when she looks at Claudia Joy and they make eye contact and Claudia Joy smiles a little bit like she does, like she knows…
Denise knows it’s not love, that it can’t be, but it runs deep and when it rushes hot over her, it’s hard to breathe.
She wonders if she’s reading too much between the lines, if she’s seeing things in the negative space.
Denise has tried to ignore it because this is life, not college where it’s okay shuck responsibility and try things, its life and she has a family to take care of but after every single time she’s declared that she’s going to be strong, that she’s over this…whatever this is, Claudi Joy does something, (a smile, a touch, a look) and Denise is sort of lost again.
Honestly, Denise is sick and tired of this desire. It’s making her blind and dumb and she wants to move on, she really does, but then she thinks of Claudia Joy and kind of doesn’t.
Denise has never ever been one to lust after another woman. Not to say that she can’t appreciate a beautiful woman but she’s never really had the urge to be with a woman but sometimes when she’s with Claudia Joy she thinks about it.
She thinks about Claudia Joy’s mouth and slim hands and pale skin and it’s all new and overwhelming.
And wrong.
But that doesn’t stop her mind from wandering and her body from wanting.
She’s staring again; Denise clears her throat glancing away from Claudia Joy and upwards at the ostentatious chandelier hanging from the roof of the magnificent hall. It feels like there’s too many people in the massive room, the air is thick and warm with too many bodies and her dress feels like its pulling in all the wrong places but Frank’s is whispering how beautiful she is into her ear his with arm comforting and soothing around her shoulder and that makes it at least bearable.
Claudia Joy’s voice floats around the table as she speaks demurely with a woman whose name she can’t remember and Denise is a little bit in awe of Claudia Joy.
That reality is nothing new and Denise blames it on the fact that Claudia Joy is brilliant, personable and beautiful and tries not to stare at the way her eyes crinkle when she smiles.
“Denise, come with me to the restroom?” Claudia Joy asks from across the table, eyebrows raised unintentionally and beside her, Michael smiles. Her voice sounds a little raspy and Denise figures it’s from all the talking and networking that comes with being the wife of a highly ranked officer.
“Yes, of course.” Denise exhales standing and if she’s surprised when Claudia Joy takes her hand and tells her that she looks beautiful with a soft smile when they’re out of sight of their husbands, she tries not to show it but she’s sure the shaky breath she draws in gives her away as she tries to straighten out what that signal means.
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The first time Roxy and Pamela joke that Denise and Claudia Joy are so ‘in love’ with one another that it’s nauseating Denise is sure that they all misinterpret the bright red blush that heats her face as mortification or indignation especially when Claudia Joy finds her eyes and just shrugs and mutters “I could do worse.”
The breathless laugh that Denise chokes out is painfully awkward but Claudia Joy is still gazing at her until Pamela jokes about all the time Claudia Joy spends with Lenore Baker and everything melts back to normal as they sit pressed side by side at the bar.
“Does that bother you?” It’s much later as they sit in Denise’s driveway in Claudia Joy’s convertible, top down in the thick humid night, and Claudia Joy’s question confuses Denise for a moment.
“Does what bother me?” she asks quietly pushing her head back into the headrest and turning to look at Claudia Joy, who doesn’t meet her gaze.
“When Pamela and Roxy joke about us, does it bother you?” Denise can feel the hot blush rushing up her neck again and she clears her throat.
“You know, it doesn’t bother me so much.” Denise whispers because it doesn’t, it makes something inside of her ache but it doesn’t bother her that people think that.
Claudia Joy turns to meet her eyes, the corner of her mouth lifting slightly. “Me either.’
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Denise can admit that she finds herself thinking about Claudia Joy a lot, probably too much for it to be healthy but its always been easy to ignore it when she’s with her family, with her husband but lately she’s noticed thoughts creeping in when they’re not supposed to.
Frank’s breath is scorching against the side of her face as he moves hard and sure over her, inside of her. The mattress dips under their weight and the muscular planes of Franks back are warm and familiar and it feels so good so there’s no explanation as to the thoughts of Claudia Joy that are spilling inside her head.
Denise presses her mouth to Franks shoulder and squeezes her eyes shut against the way her mind wonders how it would feel if it were Claudia Joy’s slim hips her legs were wrapped around, how she would feel.
“I love you.” Frank groans and she breathes it back and its beautiful and it feels good to say that and mean it but she visualizes its Claudia Joy’s perfect teeth scraping against the shell of her ear and not Franks and Denise’s gasps out how much she loves him again to ground herself in this moment.
She can’t.
Her brain jumps back and forth between Frank’s lips and the idea of Claudia Joy’s tongue, her husband’s calloused fingertips and Claudia Joy’s perfect fingernails and it’s too much. Things are cross wired and confusing.
Denise’s thighs tighten around Frank’s waist, arching upwards against him and she’s so close, her body tight with slick tension but then Frank grunts out a curse and he’s shuddering over her, coming, and Denise exhales a shaky breath as he slides off and to the side of her.
She listens to him mutter something and just like that he’s unconscious and Denise smiles a little bit as she stares lazily up at the ceiling because Frank falling asleep after sex is just something he’s always done and while it’s very frustrating sometimes, it’s him and in the morning she’ll wake up with his hand or mouth between her thighs as way of apology but now, now her body is trembling and strung so tight that its nearly painful. Her breast ache and her thighs are wet and she mulls over the idea of taking care of herself but she instead finds herself under the icy spray of the shower until her skin hurts trying to sort out everything in her head.
Denise does in fact awake with Frank’s hand sliding between her thighs and his mouth on her throat and she takes a shuddering breath as she dances on the edge of sleep, dragging herself towards consciousness and out of a muddled dream that sits at the edge of her memory.
“Morning beautiful” He mutters with a smile as she squints up at him in the bright morning light. She wonders blearily how long he’s been touching her before she woke because Denise can already feel the wet heat uncurling low in her stomach
“Hmm, morning.” She whispers rocking against his touch and it doesn’t take long until she’s coming and gasping while he smiles down at her. She swallows as he rests damp fingers on her thigh and pushes her hair out of her face.
“What were you dreaming about?” he asks quietly and she shrugs lazily, stretching against him as he tucks her into his side and she takes a deep breath. “You kept saying Claudia Joy’s name.” she hears the amusement in his voice but everything in her chest sort of freezes up. “Almost made me a little bit jealous.” He laughs and she closes her eye tight and she remembers the sensation of soft strands of hair slipping across her thighs from her dream.
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Things are getting too complicated.
Denise is sure that on the outside everything seems relatively simple because Frank is her husband and Jeremy is her son and Claudia Joy is her best friend but inside of her there’s confusion and chaos that she can’t handle and as a result she’s made a decision.
She’d never expected it would be so hard to try and cut Claudia Joy out of her life but it is and it makes her ache and she still finds herself wishing that Claudia Joy was with her on more than one occasion and even though this is unfair to Claudia Joy what’s going on inside of Denise’s head, her heart, is unfair to her family.
Unfair to her.
So she throws herself into her work at the hospital, into spending time and focusing on her family.
The first week is hard but the second is harder because Denise is sure that Claudia Joy suspects she’s avoiding her and Denise isn’t trying to keep track but she is. She keeps track every time she cancels on Claudia Joy, avoids her calls and if necessary evading getting together with Roxy and Pamela when she knows that Claudia Joy will be there. Gathering and keeping all of the guilt doing that manifests.
Denise tells herself that it’s not going to be like this forever, just until she gets herself under control, gets this…this whatever this is out of her system.
“You’re avoiding me?” Denise looks up startled from the rows and rows of canned vegetables at Claudia Joy and she doesn’t look so much angry as hurt and Denise huffs out a laugh.
“No. Of course not.” She lies and she knows that Claudia Joy knows she’s lying and she clears her throat and looks down at the can of peas in her hand while the other curls around the handle of her cart.
“Did I do something to upset you?” Claudia Joy breathes stepping closer and leaving her cart in the middle of the aisle and Denise winces at the way her voice sounds, broken and confused. Under the harsh light of the grocery store Claudia Joy steps so close to Denise that she can smell the other woman’s perfume.
“No, no I’ve just-just been busy.” She lies again but for some reason, Claudia Joy, who knows she’s lying and in general does not accept that kind of bull shit, is letting her.
“Is everything okay at home? With Frank and Jeremy?” Claudia Joy asks, brow furrowing in concern and Denise gives her a weak smile,
“Yes, everything’s great.” She croaks and Claudia Joy gives her a strange look but then her hand is covering Denise’s on the cart, slender fingers warm around her wrist.
“Well I missed you.” She breathes tilting her head just so and Denise can feel the last two weeks of work swirling away in the touch of her hand.
“I’m sorry.” Denise’s voice catches on the words revealing far too much emotion but Claudia Joy just smiles reaching up to brush hair out of Denise’s eyes.
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Denise has had too much to drink.
Way too much.
She, Claudia Joy, Roxy and Pamela are having a girls night out and after the obligatory welcome back ‘we missed you’s’ they’d drank margaritas that turned into shots which quickly equaled far too much alcohol.
Denise leans against the top of Claudia Joy’s car, her face buried into her arms, folded on the top of the car, listening to the muffled music and muddled voices as they drift through the walls of the Hump Bar while she prays for the world to stop spinning just a little bit and debates calling her husband to come and pick her up.
She’s out here because she needs the fresh air but mostly because Claudia Joy has been, for the lack of a better term, all over her. Touching her thigh through her jeans, her fingers slipping inward until her nails are tracing the inseam of her pants and twisting her fingers at the hair at the nape of her neck, just under her loose ponytail and its all so casual and bewildering. Denise just needs to get away for a moment.
To get her bearings.
There’s a swell in the music and voices then the sound of the door shutting and Denise doesn’t even turn around, not really trusting the soles of her feet to keep contact with the dirt parking lot.
“Are you alright, Denise?” Claudia Joy asks and Denise can feel her warmth at her back then her hands are smoothing back the hair that escaped her ponytail.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Denise mumbles and Claudia Joy’s nails drag across her scalp and she groans quietly at the sensation. “I’m fine. Just too much alcohol.” She says with a deep breath as she turns around and the buttons on the back pocket of her jeans clatter against the window.
Claudia Joy just grins at her standing way too close and if Denise wasn’t so drunk she’d be more alarmed but she isn’t, at least until Claudia Joy moves even closer, her hand reaching up to tuck Denise’s hair behind her ear.
Denise shuts her eyes and just focuses on breathing because she’s drunk and she’s pretty sure that Claudia Joy is at the very least toeing the line of intoxication and this isn’t what Denise thinks it is.
Claudia Joy’s fingers are as cold as ice despite the night’s wet humidity as they curl around Denise’s hips, fingertips digging into the space of skin where her tee shirt doesn’t meet the top of her jeans and Denise doesn’t mean to take that staggered breath but she does.
Denise leaves her hands limp at her sides and her eyes closed but she can feel Claudia Joy move even closer still, moving until their hips are pressed together, pinning her to the car at her back and Denise can feel her hot breath against the curve of her jaw.
“Claudia Joy.” Denise croaks, her brow furrowing at Claudia Joy’s mouth brushing hot against her chin and that knot that’s she’s worked so hard to push down and away and bury is quickly uncurling into blistering pressure in her hips, thighs and low in her stomach.
“It’s okay.” And Denise usually never questions Claudia Joy, the way she hardly ever questions Frank but she knows that this is anything but okay. She’s well aware of that fact even as Claudia Joy’s lips brush over hers and when everything spins a little Denise isn’t sure if its from the alcohol or Claudia Joy’s fingers on her ribs.
“Stop.” Denise breathes dropping her chin and she can’t help but exhale shakily when Claudia Joy nudges her face upwards again.
Claudia Joy whispers its okay again, her lips right against her ear, while her fingertips prod the edge of Denise’s bra and Denise’s mind is flying backwards through all the touches and looks and feelings and if she’s honest with herself its not all that surprising that this is happening.
This time when Claudia Joy drags her mouth against hers, Denise moves in, fitting her mouth better to Claudia Joy’s and later she could maybe blame this all on the alcohol but then Claudia Joy breathes “God, I think about you all the time.” So softly against her lips and maybe she can’t blame it on the margaritas because if she’s completely honest with herself, she’s wanted this.
They kiss again, tentative as anything and when Claudia Joy’s tongue slips slowly inside her mouth Denise can’t help but gasp a little because she’s had dreams like this but then there’s the swell of noise that signals the opening of the door and they pull apart quickly.
“What’re you two doing out here? Stop lovin’ up on each other and get in here.” They both look back at Pamela and for a brief moment Denise is afraid that maybe she saw them but then she gives them a drunken grin before disappearing back inside and Denise is relieved that it was joke…hopefully.
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Needless to say that after that night things are different. Things are awkward and while Denise isn’t actively avoiding Claudia Joy like before she has made an effort to not be in a situation where they’re alone.
Denise’s lets her hand drag slowly through the thin smattering of hair along Frank’s chest, feeling his heartbeat strong and even. She presses her mouth to his chest and he tastes like sweat and sex and she sighs shutting her eyes and trying to let the swell of sleep crash over her. It’s been three days since that night at the bar and ever since Denise has been restless and agitated and no matter how much she focuses on her family or how many times she and Frank have sex she can’t seem to relax and she knows why. She knows.
The sound of Denise’s cell phone buzzing to life on the night stand drags her from the light dreamless sleep she’s managed to fall in and she reaches out blindly, grabbing the phone and flipping it open.
“Hello?” She groans glancing at the green fluorescent light of the digital clock and it reads 1:12am.
“We need to talk.” Claudia Joy’s voice is low and careful and Denise swallows hard.
“It’s late…”
“Please.”
It takes her ten minutes to pull on jeans and a shirt and the entire time her mind screams at her not to go but when she steps outside of the house, pulling the door shut quietly behind her, Claudia Joy is already waiting for her in her car.
They drive around in silence for a while until Claudia Joy pulls off onto the side of the darkened road. The hush is broken only by the sound of their breathing and the shift of leather beneath them. It goes on until Denise is sure she can’t take anymore then Claudia Joy takes a deep slow breath.
“I kissed you.” She begins carefully and Denise doesn’t dare look at her. “You’re my best friend; you have been for as long as I can remember and I-I kissed you.” Claudia Joy pauses to take another mouthful of air, shifting in her seat. “Sometimes I look at you and I just feel...something. I don’t know how to describe it or where it came from or why but all I know is that its just there and I…I’m sorry.”
Denise doesn’t dare speak because it feels like Claudia Joy stole the words right out of her mouth. Denise listens to Claudia Joy sniffle and knows that small sound means she’s on the verge of tears.
“I’m sorry.”
There’s a beat of silence and the only thing that Denise can think to say won’t seem to pass her lips, it would be too much, it would mean too much. But Denise thinks it would hurt more to leave it unsaid.
“I kissed you back.” The words scrape free and they sound like they hurt as much as they do and Denise swallows, clears her throat, and says it again. “I kissed you back.” And it hurts but just a little less this time.
Tears burn at her eyes but that doesn’t stop her from turning to finally look at Claudia Joy, who is already watching her with unreadable eyes. Denise tracks a tear as it slips down Claudia Joy’s skin before reaching out to brush it away with her thumb but only succeeds in smearing it against the soft skin of her cheek.
There’s a click as Claudia Joy’s seatbelt comes undone and then she’s leaning across the middle arm rest until her nose is brushing against Denise and her eyes are strangely dark in the muted yellow light a nearby streetlamp washes into the car
. Denise watches helplessly as Claudia Joy’s tongue flicks over her bottom lip and everything inside her twists and tightens just before Claudia Joy presses her lips to Denise’s.