the chore of staying put

[icefish]

there is a crusade going on in my home, to get ready for school, to get ready for baby, just to prepare

which how can i?
i dream of tiny feet
pushing through my stomach
with robs toes
and i can hold them and tickle them
through my flesh

in reality ive felt elbows
and a backside
and a head pushing down into my pelvic bone
pushing down through my cervix
the muscle so strong that just to open it
takes hours upon hours of blinding pain
and days, weeks of preperation from my body

and as the cervix readies itself
i so ready my house
there is no "clean enough"
there is no "ready"
for this is life, and this time
i was a part of creating it

excuse me, i am part of it
my genetics were transfered to this small squirmy thing inside me
as were my ansestors and his and his ansestors

his brother and sister are petting his absant head in his car seat
and lifting the padding to represent his kicking feet

there is no "ready" for this
for these little hands and feet
for the postpartum
for the dressing and un dressing and changing and bathing and feeding and caring for a
newborn

when there is still so much caring for the olderborns....
there is no "ready" for this

i just pray, to finish
at least one round

on my house
before

he's forced out

but id still... rather he choose, his birthday