my life is as follows

[icefish]

(a side note, i am very glad to be seeing my friends around when Aiden comes, life has been very anxious lately and its dificult for me to do most things i could)

dayly, a marathon to keep up with two children
to contend with the knowledge that
i am not
mom

but im trying to be

to fight back spurts of anger
and deal with complete and utter nonsence
that is like
banging
against the brick wall
of reality

and moments of laughter and
teaching
and moments of calm

and moments of
"OMG i cant bend over"
and moments of total pain

mixed with, now and then, calm
with wiggling life
my stomach moves
very much
on its own

and i cannot believe it

daily there is more i cannot do
less i can keep up with
and stairs i only MIGHT be able to climb, this time

and the month ahead of me
leads to a great release
creating my official position
as mother, in the world

i am in the unique position of one
who is already mother of two
who will never see me
in that shaddowed/glowing/mysterious light

and two who must contend with
half a sibling, half a life

i am in a half state myself

unable to move forward in career
unable to step out of my meager earnings

at times, it is so hard
i want to give up
like yesterday, i wanted to give up
i wanted to go back to
the easy life
but i refuse
this is the live
thats been made for me
and i will live it

thankfully.

i keep telling myself, that as soon as he is born,
my emotions will subside

that life will go back to
...

but it never will, my life is different, forever

and i am changed forever, now that ive created
life